I am wondering if anyone has found a good discussion forum for wayward spouses that are trying to heal. My wife is apprehensive about going on these forums because she is afraid of getting beat up and would prefer to hear from people in her circumstances. I did a search on the web and mainly came up with web sites that help you cheat or web sites from people who are cheating. I am looking for a website or discussion forum that focuses on people who have cheated and are trying to put their lives back together and want feed back from other similar people. Also, any possibility about adding such a topic board here and maybe making it read only or inaccessible to betrayed spouses?

<small>[ June 11, 2004, 11:48 AM: Message edited by: Headed for Happiness ]</small>

Hey, August, great idea! I would think WS would be more candid with their thoughts and emotions if they knew we BS couldn't read what they are writing. Maybe my WH would be willing to post then, too.

Yes, over at www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com there is a board called Reclamation that you actually have to request admittance in to.

You might also try survivinginfidelity.com in the wayward spouses section or affairs-help.com.

When I was 'back in the fog' I tried MANY forums - many of which said they were for one side or another. I actually visited both you mentioned above.

The difference between them and the one I suggested, was that there was a LOT of whining and poor me pity parties - and no one seemed to be GETTING anywhere. I wanted to find answers, not just commiserate with other people who were stuck. Just my opinion.

Hope If you could provide more links to cites that would be great. I looked at the surviving infidelity site and it says that it for people trying to get out of the affair. That is an important topic, but I was hoping for a broader topic because my wife is out of the affair, but trying to figure out what happened and how to heal. She has tried reading some of the books with case studies but always complains that there is no one like her in the books.
Thanks

Hope If you could provide more links to cites that would be great. I looked at the save your marriage site and it says that it for people trying to get out of the affair. That is an important topic, but I was hoping for a broader topic because my wife is out of the affair, but trying to figure out what happened and how to heal. She has tried reading some of the books with case studies but always complains that there is no one like her in the books.
Thanks

Hope If you could provide more links to cites that would be great. I looked at the save your marriage site and it says that it for people trying to get out of the affair. That is an important topic, but I was hoping for a broader topic because my wife is out of the affair, but trying to figure out what happened and how to heal. She has tried reading some of the books with case studies but always complains that there is no one like her in the books.
Thanks

I won't recommend any other sites - if you want to do a search, you'll find them. But I didn't find anything but wallowing at any of them.

I am a volunteer mentor at SYMC and what you described is EXACTLY what we promote. We try to help people understand what it is they were missing inside, and try to guide them as to how to fill that void within THEMSELVES and not externally. As a former wayward myself who almost left the marriage I hang around the reclamation board to help others who are feeling and thinking along the same lines as I did.

I'm actually doing a lot of research (reading books and doing searches) to try to put together a book that would speak to the WS - because I agree, there seems to be a gap in all the books that are out there now.

I hope she decides to atleast TRY SYMC - otherwise there is NO reason she couldn't post here. WS's do not get bashed here - I NEVER have.

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

August, I haven't found anywere better than here.

I thought about joining the private area at SYMC but it does say it's for people who are still in an A.

Posting here has been the best thing for me. It IS so easy for WS's to want to join a pity party but I didn't want to do that. Our MC hardly touched on the A at all, it was all about how my H and I related to each other and how to improve our M. She was a very good pro-marriage counsellor That's how I feel when I come on here. I don't want to talk about the A or the OM, I just want to focus on moving forward at all times. The problem with joining up with other WS's in private is that it inevitably leads to talking about the OP, and that is not in any way healthy. Having to keep a check on what you say sometimes is healthy I find.

When I first spoke to other WS's here we said it would be good if there was a private area we could talk but we ALL said the rules would have to be "no talk about missing the OP or anything remotely like that." Just support and understanding for what we were facing.

I do e-mail other FWW's - sometimes you do need an outlet - but they are all FWW's at the same, or similar, stage of recovery that I am. Even better is to talk privately with recovered FWW's.

When I first joined the forum I'd read all the site material and assumed the forum was for everyone wanting to rebuild their marriages. Ignorance is bliss, I guess, because it never occurred to me that the site was only for BS's - which I still believe it isn't.

Your W would be welcome here.

Jenny

<small>[ June 11, 2004, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

All of you, thanks. I keep trying to get her to read and post, I will show her this thread and hopefully it will help.

The book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is one you both will find helpful. I think that this forum is usually pretty good for WS to post. Are you getting MC, because that is a key move for recovery as well.

Yes, we are in MC and have both read Not Just Friends, which has been the best book I have read on affairs. Both the reading and MC are very important. My wife just feels like she is so unique that she does not gain tons of insight from the books. However, we have incorporated much of Not Just Friends into our lives, especially the part about friends of the marriage and close friends of the opposite sex. I just have gotten so much help from the message boards and wish she would try it out as well.

August

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My wife just feels like she is so unique that she does not gain tons of insight from the books. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, didn't we all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I'd better warn WAT that the Mothership has been doing it's work again.

August, I haven't been following your story but that is the classic comment that comes out of EVERY SINGLE WW's mouth.

I am at the stage now where I could just shake FWS's and tell them what happens when the fog lifts.

What happens is that, if you've made the right decision, which is to wholeheartedly embrace your marriage and your spouse, the payoff is HAPPINESS.

I told my H yesterday that I was happy again, in myself and with myself, for the first time in 3 years. I'd forgotten what it felt like <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Jenny

<small>[ August 01, 2004, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

survivinginfidelity.com has a dedicated forum for wayward spouses called Wayward Side. Its not WS only but the forum warns BSs that post must only post if they are interested in helping WSs succeed either in their reconcilation or personal recovery. OPs can only post if they are X-OPs are are not content to remain in the affair.

Failure to comply with those guidelines can get a poster banned from that section.

Most WSs that post on that forum are FWSs.

facereality.com has forums for WWs, WHs, OPs as well as forums for BSs. From what I remember it has less traffic than either SI or MB. Forums don't appear to be protected so there were some occassional "driveby" posting where angry posters-BSs and OPs--have at it from time to time.

I wasn't aware of that one, dad - is it monitored by people who are actively trying to help the WS come out of the fog??

Many of the forums - this one included - have good intent and good information around the site - but no real active participation by the moderators. This site is blessed with 'old timers' that are full of sage advice - but on the sites I had encountered in the past - well, it was the blind leading the blind.

I really wish she would come here - as long as she has GOOD INTENTIONS and doesn't attack another poster - she will NOT BE BASHED.

August,
I came accross a book that may help. It's called "Tempted Women." I 've quoted it to several FWW and they say "that's me" or "I thought that."

One of the problems of the fog is that spouses involved or once involved in affairs think that they are having thoughts, situations or feelings that are unique or special to just them and their affair partner. This is wrong their are common themes for their behavior whether they want to admit it or not.

cwmac