WW came home from attny. Said she was just went for a consultation, but told him that she wanted a divorce from me.

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 10:06 AM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>

Difficult to find the strength to Plan A facing this ...

Do not give up. My W has basically told me that the OM is her true soul mate. I am basically a consolation prize. My W is also very headstrong (so is my eldest DD). But I know that my wife has never really settled for second best. So there is something in me that made me a prize. There is something that made you a first prize to your W. She has forgotten what that is. It may be covered in dung and scar tissue but it is still there.

Opps Double Post! (Sorry)

<small>[ June 11, 2004, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: zippyTWM ]</small>

My WW is headstrong and unreasonable too. She was like that before this mess. It is scary. She said the same thing about knowing now that divorce is what she wants, but I believe that is the fog too. The thing about my wife is that she will make a bad decision even if she knows it and then just go with it because it is HER choice. Very selfish. One thing is that my wife isn't trying to hose my in the divorce at all at this point. That's a relief. I have some hope, but her selfishness may get in the way of reconciliation. We will see.

Zip, TY


But I find myself thinking of looking elsewhere myself.

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 10:07 AM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>

Juke.. EXACTLY!

You could have been describing my WW.

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>

You still have time to recover and start a new life. I know the hardest thing is trying to figure out how to remember the last 14 years of your life. It's a weird thing. Despite what happened you will hopefully be able to look back at the good memories for what they were, but it is the past and unfortunately things aren't the way that they were anymore. That's not your fault and don't ever think that it is. None of us are perfect husbands, and our WW's weren't perfect either pre-A. Especially, after hearing you describe your wife, I know that there are deeper issues here than how it appears on the surface. I know that for a fact with my WW. How was your WW's childhood? A lot of the answers lie there.

Eveyone in her family has been divorced. Some several times. Her father is on his 4th marriage. Her parents divorced when she was 11.

1FM:

This is still so new. What state do you live in? If it's a no-fault state, she can't get alimony from you, just child support (if the kids live with her) or 50% of your combined assets.

Also, threatening DV and filing are 2 different things. If she's going 2 file, she's going 2 file. Most WSs don't get that far. But even if yours does, you should find out what your legal rights are and what limits there are on signing. Delay if you don't want a DV.

And keep plan Aing.

Also, what's 40? I'm 51, and though I couldn't imagine starting over when this all began (d-day was 29 months ago) , I ac2ally can now. Not that I want 2, though.

-ol' 2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 1Family Man:
<strong> WW came home from attny. Said she was just went for a consultation, but told him that she wanted a divorce from me.

She is counting the money she can get out of the marriage and figuring how much child support and alimony she can get from me.

Feeling useless... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One way to stop feeling useless is to start taking action.

A few questions for you:

1. Do you want custody of your children?
2. Do you want regular visitation with your children?
3. Was there physical or emotional abuse in your relationship?
4. Do you have proof of her affair?
4 b. If you do not have proof would you be willing to hire a private investigator to get proof?

Actions:

1. Contact an attorney to protect your rights.
2. Continue to Plan A while you can.

Remember:

1. Many divorce laws will not reward the adulterating party unless there are mitigating circumstances (such as abuse). This means your wife may not be entitled to alimony and may not receive full custody of the children.

2. If your wife does get custody of the kids you could get an injuction against her taking them out of state. I don't think many judges will be understanding of her wanting to take them to the OM.

Protect yourself AND Plan A. Don't let yourself be walked over due to her indiscretion.

April

April,
I want all those things. And my wife.

I am guilty of angry outbursts. Probably more frequent than I realize. But no violence. I felt emotionally abused too.

her sisters, who support her behaivor 100%

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 10:09 AM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>

Familyman,

There you go. Same with my WW. In fact her mother and step dad were having an affair when they got together. Her step dad abandoned his family. Her whole family has several marriages. These things I knew in advance of the marriage, but really believed that she would change the cycle of things and she swore that she would. I should have been more leary of her situation, but it sure is hard to find someone with a stable family these days.

Family Man, I know you hurting but you need to find out your rights also because that will help some. The unknown is what kills ya. I know when I went to an Attorney early on it helped to know but also was shocked as a woman on how little I would receive. I wanted primary custody and was told that if H wanted 50/50 he could have it. Also I would get alot less financially then I thought compared to what he makes. It did open my eyes and made me try harder even as the BS. So if your state is the same(mine is Calif) then your W could not take the kids to Vegas if you have 50/50 which you can have if you want it.

Oh Family Man, I know it is hard, but do not buy into her gibberish and fogginess. I wanted to sometimes also, but when you read these boards, you realize that is stuff they all say!

About 3 weeks before my H came home from a 4 month separation, he asked me for the last time for D at a sushi lunch he had invited me to.

I was devestated. I came here and posted, crying, hysterical, and everyone said, "SS, how many times has he said that (it was not the first time)? And what have his actions shown?"

And even those WS that file oftentimes do not go final. I know your WW is in the fog. I have proof that she is not right in her head right now. Do you want to know how I know? Because she said she is SURE that this is what she wants to do.

That's the proof. She is convinced she is sure and knows what she is doing. That is a sure sign that she is in turmoil, and has grasped hold of this idea to justify whatever it is she is trying to make right with herself. But it is temporary.

In some ways, it's like, get some popcorn and sit back and enjoy the show! They almost all do the same things, say the same things, and it is sometimes so predictable. I'm not taking any of your pain or heartache away, but sometimes I just had to sit back and laugh.

H and I are now in a wonderful recovery. Have hope, never give up, and realize that your WW is lost right now, and floundering around trying to do things that make sense in her foggy brain.

Hang in there.

SS

Family Man,

It amazes me how much one person can change our lives and how one person can hurt us so much.

I can't imagine life without him, he is such a big part of me. We have to remember they loved us so much they became our spouses. That is why we are in so much pain. The love we have for them is so strong and there is a bond there. Somehow they forgot all the wonderful feelings and memories we once shared.

I am having so much trouble dealing with this, especially the part of not wanting to be around us. Showering love on another person when they promised us forever. I don't even know where my WH lives. I ache with loneliness.

I do know how it feels being at the age we are now and starting over. I love my WH and want to save my marriage. I also want children, I will be 38 in September, I know my biological clock is running down. I know I still have time; my mom had me at 44. The thoughts of dating and knowing I couldn't ever give myself completely to someone again. I never want to be this vulnerable again.

I been with the WH for fourteen years. He has been my one and only, in every way.

I have been thinking about contacting a lawyer. Since your WW already has, I think it is in your best interest to protect yourself.

Gather any information you can. If she has her own credit card, try to find a statement to see if she made any purchases she normally wouldn't have.

My WH paid for everything. So I have ton of receipts for restuarants, hotels to jewelry purchases. Plus, a photo and love letters. Which was so painful to read, but I photocopied everything.

Pain is so great...If she is worth it, then fight for her, but we have wait until the fog goes away. Work on yourself in the mean time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 1Family Man:
<strong> April,
I want all those things. And my wife. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I already knew that you wanted your wife which is why I didn't ask about it. My question was to find out if you should get an attorney's advice to protect yourself. If you didn't care about custody or visitation or the money then you really wouldn't need to protect yourself. But since you do I strongly suggest you get the advice. At least then you won't have the additional worry of her keeping the kids from you or taking you to the cleaners.

I like to live by the saying "Hope for the best, and prepare for the worst."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 1Family Man:
<strong>
I don't have proof a the affair.
Do you think any of that matters. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It depends on your particular state laws. But having proof of the affair would definitely have things in your favor regarding kids and finances should your wife pursue the divorce.

Please remember that I'm not advocating divorce. Getting legal advice does not equal signing divorce papers. You can get legal advice AND reconcile with your wife.


April

SS, your famous sushi story helps. But my intuition is now fully calibrated to the idea that the sparrow is certain about divorcing and will go through with it. I have lost pretty much all hope. I'll continue to keep up my best effort for my own sake, but my gut tells me she will go through with this and not look back. Her memory for relationships seems a little short, and she's already forgotten about us.

GC