I am feeling so low tonight. H went to bed after an unproductive talk. H has had no contact for the last week <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Seems really depressed. Blames it on work. Says how much he hates his life and how everyone gets on his nerves. When I ask if that includes me he says yes. I have been the perfect W (no LB's). I do whatever he asks even if I really don't want to, but apparently it is not enough. When I ask if he misses OW he gets mad and tells me to shut up. We have been in recovery (hopefully) for the last two weeks. I know that some of this could be withdrawl, but it hurts.

H can't tell me that he loves me and knows that he wants to be with me. He just tells me that it is the right thing to do.(I suppose meaning that we have a DD)He said that after 5 years of being with me (a person that he claims he didn't like) he is supposed to suddenly want to be with the new me (I've made changes) and act like everything is ok. I responded that it is just as hard for me to look at him after the whole A and forgive all of it. And yet I'm trying. I feel like I am the only one trying. I need him to say how sorry he is, how the A was a mistake, how OW was a mistake, how much he loves me and really wants to make this M work. Instead all I get is that "he is here isn't he" and "it's the right thing to do". I'm feeling like this isn't enough for me. I have fought so hard to save this M and I have yet to receive anything back. I don't even feel loved or appreciated. I am feeling used. We start MC Wednesday and he is already complaining.
I told him that if this continues that he is going to lose me and he acts like he doesn't care. So if he doesn't care, why should I? Haven't I been hurt enough? I find myself walking around each day thinking is this the day he decides that he doesn't really want it? Why can't he be loving in return? He is slowly pushing me away. I am finding that giving is getting harder and harder when I receive nothing in return.

Coolduck: Hang in there. You are getting closer to recovery, though it may not feel like it yet.

The fact he says that "He is still there, isn't he" says volumes. My FWW said the same thing 2-3 months ago. It didn't feel like it meant much then, but give it time. There will be ups and downs. You may even feel like giving up and leaving him, it's all normal. I've felt these same feelings even last week. Check out some of my recent posts (dated 6/10/04).

It sounds like he is going through withdrawal and doesn't want to bring you down with him. While it's hard for us BS to see, the WS also have much to deal with when an A ends. Dealing with their feelings of guilt, loss, shame, remorse; though you don't always know what they're feeling because they aren't communicating with you. That's tough to deal with. Keep reading here and posting, you'll get responses that are very helpful. Good luck and God Bless!

Cool Duck, it's funny (weird) that your post was right at the top.

Today I realised that it's been a year today since my A ended. I remember it was a week before my birthday and something about the date today kept nagging at me.

So, this is a good news/bad news sort of reply.

I'll start with the good news. In the last week or two I've found I go hours and hours without thinking about the OM. Now from someone who thought about him for every waking moment that is quite something. Occasionally, something will really hit hard in the way of a trigger but I tested myself today by playing my mushiest CD -the one that always used to make me cry. Nothing, absolutely nothing.

I have come so close to leaving H and H has come so close to leaving me but we've hung in there and now we're getting the rewards. I can honestly say I'm in love with my H and I am sorry I ever had an A.

The ups and downs are scattered all over this board. I always mean to go back and read them one day just to see how far I've come.

And the bad news....

Look how long it's taken to get to this point.

I guess the other bad news is that I remembered the date and I stil have to say hours and hours and not days and days. I'm working on days and days and I know one day I'll realise it's been months and months.

Cool Duck, please hang in there. It IS a ghastly ride.

Jenny

<small>[ June 11, 2004, 11:51 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

When varies...

Until THEN... work on YOU! It CAN happen... I never thought it would in my case either... my H was so far gone... he even moved out for a month...

eventually, I learned to move my focus from HIM onto ME and that, I believe, made the difference.

If talking to him is a no go... can you go to an individual counselor? I did for 1 1/2... and just TALKING was very helpful... especially when I couldn't talk to him because he wasn't receptive... or it made him angry... etc.

Cali

I had a very confusing weekend with my H. SF was a big part of the weekend and it felt so right. Then H lets me know that he misses OW and isn't sure if we are going to work. H was suddenly not sure if he wanted our M. Of course I was very upset and decided not to LB, so I went to bed. H comes to bed later and said he read some posts here and tries to initiate SF. I just couldn't. Maybe a mistake, but I pushed him away. Next morning we did and he again wants to know what I expect from him. Suddenly he wants to try again. The first time we tried to fix M (I had yet to know about the A)H went 6 months with no contact and then started it again. I don't want to waste another 6 months to find that he doesn't want this.
Is this normal for withdrawl??? I am so confused and afraid of being hurt yet again. Part of me thinks he is just as afraid. H didn't like the person I was for part of our M. H grew to think that is what life was supposed to be before he met OW, then he saw what life/M should be and didn't want ours. I have worked on me and I have tried to show him what we could have. I believe OW--A is all a fantasy, but I'm not sure that he ever will.
My MIL thinks that he is just as afraid of me turning back into the Bi$$$ that he hated as I'm afraid of the A starting up again. I think that she may be right.
How do I proceed without losing my mind??

I think it's very normal. My thoughts are that when things actually start to get good - the WS panicks. I think it's a combination of the fear of losing the 'feel good fog', a fear of returning to the way things were, and possibly a touch of guilt - because if they actually start to have feelings for their spouse, it means their affair WASN'T the star cast, once upon a time, love of their life, which would make their actions completely wrong and ugly. Many waywards justify their actions as 'not really an affair' because they fully intend on being with the 'other' - and 'it was only a matter of time, because our marriage was irrepairabl'. It's a tough pill to swallow when you realize you might have been wrong.