Okay, another one. I'm at a wedding reception. H & OW are there (he was a member of the wedding party; I was invited to the reception). Mutual friends - I made a decision long ago that I won't let them run me out of my social life. I'm in Plan B for many months now. H knows I want no contact; presumably he has communicated this to OW. OW knows I wish no contact, let's put it that way.

So, for the last 45 minutes or hour of the reception, OW is trailing after me, within a yard or two of me, at a small reception. At one point, I was talking to someone in a room that others had left -- and there was OW following after me. Like she wanted to talk to me, or confront me, or something. Fortunately, this friend suggested we walk to our cars together, and I took her up on her offer. (Perhaps friend noticed the weirdness, I can't say.) I couldn't be alone for a moment because OW was trying to corner me, or who knows what.

Orchid says this is a territorial thing. She's already "conquered" H, now she's trying to extend her territory. Well, maybe...

OW was making big, showy overtures to my friends. She and H seem to be very happy -- so what are the issues? Why not leave me alone? I just kept circulating, talking with everyone, avoiding making even eye contact with H or OW.

I can't talk about this with anyone; they're in denial and don't want to believe me. Everyone thinks I'm imagining this stuff now. They think I shouldn't think about this anymore, and it will be disappear. They want it to be gone and everyone to be happy.

Our D should be final in a month, though H has shown little wish to cooperate with my lawyer.

WELL, MAYBE MY QUESTION IS: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU GET THIS KIND OF WEIRDNESS, AND EVERYONE AROUND YOU IS IN DENIAL ABOUT IT? EVERYONE IS STARTING TO THINK MAYBE YOU ARE THE PROBLEM, BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE. I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT, EITHER -- I'M BEGINNING TO THINK MAYBE I AM THE CRAZY ONE, AFTER ALL.

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 12:57 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

You aren't crazy. My WH has been with OW for over a year. A couple of weeks ago he came over to get a motorcycle. And guess who came walking by? OW! It just shows you how insecure they are.

And everyone does just want to pretend things are fine. But not us here at MB.

I am going to try to give you a mutual friend's perspective.

One of my friends Cyn is in the same situation you are. Her H is with an OW who seems to want to take over her life. This OW has been trying her darndest to make friends with us (mutual friends) to the point of turning up at arranged meetings between just him and us.

We can see this happening but are also caught between a rock and a hard place. We don't want him to have no one to turn to besides OW and her friends so we try to be as sociable as we can. There will be some times we take a stand (when we have made the date and it is not a company function or public event) and say we are inviting you only.

Sometimes, the A etc is not our focus....we just want to hang out like normal friends do...the event here was your friend's wedding it is THEIR big event. Maybe the group were trying (and in doing so appearing like they wanted did not see the situation between OW and you ) to protect big event.

Of course we want everything to be like it was before the A but recognise that it isn't.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Just intuition here. Similar to Orchid, I'd bet she sees you as a threat - either to her "happiness" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> or as someone who knows too much.

Look at it this way - if SHE thought you were crazy, she wouldn't be acting this way. "Crazy" is not a threat to her - integrity is.

WAT

AM,
I think it is territorial or...what's the word for "in your face"?

When I attend a social gathering where the FOW is, if I'm walking around, she stays away. But, if I sit down, she'll station herself in my line of vision. It happens too often in too big of a space (an armory drill floor the size of a basketball gym) for it to be coincidental.

And she isn't with my H, she has a new one of her own. I can suspect she'd be like your H's OW, circling in closer, having "won".

The very first post I remember reading of yours was the OW hugging your H, then getting in the ladies restroom line with you...my thought then was that she was marking her territory, and she still is. (You'd think it would be soaked by now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .)

She knows your H has a history of moving on to a new woman, she's no longer "new" and has never gotten the "legal wife" designation, even if she got the ring. He hasn't rushed the divorce, you appear in public with confidence.

She's likely trying to control her little house of cards...and you are the wind.

I realize no one is going to like my answer...but you did ask ms. martin and hopefully you know that I am sorry you are in the place you are in based on your husbands actions...

but I can barely get over the idea of a bride and groom having a blatant adulterer in their wedding party!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Honest to pete..the insanity as choosing him to stand with them as they make marital vows is just an example of people not grasping in thought and action the blessedness of a wedding....

and exactly WHAT a wedding party is supposed to stand in support of...
It is beyond my comprehension.....

So I don't know what to say to you...
the whole thing stinks..

hind sight is twenty-twenty....

I would face this woman and tell her that you have nothing to say to her at all...and walk away....
the irony
the audacity of your husband....

I am sorry....

ARK

At least H seemed to be minding his own business -- although I think some of the oochy-goochy stuff with OW was done for my benefit, I can't "prove" it.

She's kind of a territorial lady. And yes, it is soaked, Lor.

Oh Ark! Don't be sorry! You don't know all the details! It's much, much worse and more outre than you could possibly imagine!

I did consider not going for the weirdness of it all -- but I'm not above courting friends, at this point. Also, for all I knew there would be 150 people there. It was hard to see friends befriending her -- and people acting like my cheerfulness was how much I accepted the situation as normal!

The awkward thing is, Ark, it puts me in a ridiculous position. There was nothing I could do but avoid her and feel a bit hunted. Any convo was likely to be reported back to H and discussed, in whatever distorted fashion OW could manage.

As Orchid said, a normal person would have tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I'd like to talk to you." I would have said, "No. Of course not. Don't be absurd." But she didn't. She just kept trailing. She's a very territorial lady.

I kept trying to remember David, standing alone on the field, having left behind his family and facing a giant with a slingshot.

But there is no slingshot. And there's nothing for me to do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong> I would have said, "No. Of course not. Don't be absurd." </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That made me chuckle.

If it had been me, I think my petty side might have stepped to the fore-front and led me to go and give H a BIG hug and kiss. And of course a few things whispered in his ear. Things banal and mundane to be sure, but things he'd have to explain to a curious and suspicious OW...

dewt

Hi AMM,

Well maybe I have been watching too many MASH reruns (lol) but, whenever I see Hawkeye and Trapper give Hotlips a big kiss, I think about how funny it w/b if a good looking guy (ie: good BS friend) to go up to the OW and right in front of the WS, give her a big kiss. Now remember he is a friend of the BS, so then the guy goes on to say after the kiss, 'hey, I just had to do this because someone paid me to do it, but I think I need to go and ask for more .......$$. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Oh, me and my over reactive imagination again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

In reality AM, you are right to just keep your distance. Crazed OWs will eventually trip up on their own. They don't fade away, most have to melt, like the wicked witch of the east. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />


JMHO,
L.

Mmm. Three possibilities, I think.

1. Fully and completely accept the situation, including your annoyance or misgivings about it. Take no action.

2. Fully and completely accept the situation, including your annoyance or misgivings about it. Decide to change the situation.

3. Fully and completely accept the situation, including your annoyance or misgivings about it. Remove yourself from the situation.

Then again, that's just because I've been reading The Power of Now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, it happened again today. OW went to a water cooler where she could hear my conversation with a friend, and hung out there long enough to catch the drift. What's the point? Intimidation? Envy? Curiosity? She got the guy -- why doesn't she leave me alone?

She seemed to be in wallflower, poor-little-buttercup mode again, except for sucking up to a good friend of mine -- don't know what the friend thinks, and I won't ask. Again, what is the point?

Wasn't as obvious as the show on Friday -- but had the same flavor as that and other occasions. Fortunately, I was having lunch with kids (mine and stepkids) and, though I was braced for confrontation, H & OW departed quietly. (I suspect she noticed us, but can't be sure.)

It does put one's back hair up. Last night, at a public event, I didn't want to leave my friend's side, for fear they might be there and cause another little interaction.

Just J, what else can I do? I could wheel around and confront OW, and tell her I will pursue her legally if she escalates harrassment. But it's not nearly at a legal level. As today, not even at a proveable level (she could argue that she really was thirsty.) Plus, I don't really know what her game is, and how she might react. For all I know, she could start screaming, "Rape! Rape!" She's a nutter. More importantly, any reaction at all can be distorted and reported back to H, and fuel the flames of the A by making me the common enemy again. I don't care much, but don't see how that will help my sitch. I want to think long-term, whatever that means.

As long as I say absolutely nothing, and have witnesses to doing nothing, she will have nothing to discuss, no claims to make, unless she lies outright. Unfortunately, this can make me a prisoner at public events, as it did on Friday. But, like satyagraha, maybe it will force her to make her shtick more obvious. It may have been noticed on Friday. I won't ask, because it pushes people into the denial game. Let them draw their own conclusions -- but gosh, they are slow!

Oh Orchid, thanks for tuning in! Dewt, too. There's no way, in a small community, I even have the luxury of fantasizing about any game-playing. The best thing for me to do, I figure, is play a very straight game, with all my cards on the table (outlined in PBL, whether or not I want that any longer), and not change my tune. Let them think of new dances -- it will have to be to the same tune.

Just J -- I'd love to do something different. Any ideas what? I'd love to remove myself from the situation, but that means putting myself under house arrest, as there's no way of predicting where they'll show up, and this is a small town. I can't think of how to change the situation, without unforeseen consequences. That leaves number 1. I don't like it, but don't have a better idea.

<small>[ June 13, 2004, 07:04 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Plus, to be blunt, I cannot guarantee my own self-control if provoked. My feelings on this matter are very strong, but are best kept to myself. Deep down, I KNOW that -- I know that shooting my mouth off won't help matters any -- but if I'm goaded, I might let drop a few choice words that will be hard to retract. As Just J said, "Silence is golden. And golden is a very pretty color."

Haven't posted on these boards in a while but can echo and say that Orchid is right on target and so you are as well.

She's peeing on the hydrant my friend.

My x and the wistress married in january this year as she was eight mos preggers.

This woman shows up last month at my son's preschool fair as a volunteer. I was also to volunteer there as well. She has a four year old son but he doesn't attend my son's prekindergarten (private one). She stationed herself at the ticket table right as you walked in the door. I didn't even recognize her as she wasn't the "model" type of woman I was expecting to see (she used to be a maxxim model). Kinda not that great actually.

I treat the woman as if she was invisible. She got absolutely no reaction from me except "will you please give me the 12 bucks in change I am owed after paying for the carnival tickets for my son?". She got no reaction and was there to lock pupils with me and see who I am and to flaunt fact she is "legit". Or so she thinks.

And no, people will try to pretend that things are ok and will tell you to forget about it or that it's not happeneing because it makes THEM feel uncomfortable.

Don't give her any reaction at all. That will drive her battier. But do record all the times this girl follows you and if she is harassing your friends and prying information out of them as this does constitute stalking. I find that if you give them exactly what they do NOT want, they will react differently...the psycho OW that is.

Apologies to any FOWs present for the terrible generalisation, but:
OW = NASTY, PSYCHO, B!TCH.

Therefore, most of their actions can be explained away by their being generally weird and f'ed up.

I doubt she knows why she is doing it. It would be priceless if you were to approach her and, addressing her calmly, say "I dont know why you keep following me but I find it highly weird and disturbing. Please could you stop?" She will be so embarrassed because she probably thinks she is being really clever and devious.

Or, there is the other classic approach. Smile, and let them wonder what you are up to. Mwa, ha, ha...

Sending lots of love <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The problem is, ks, I doubt if it would stop with my comment. She might be silent -- but then again, she would probably let loose with some spiel of her own ... maybe about how she wants the best for me, wants me to move on, etc., etc. (That's a guess, who knows what's on her mind?)

That's the scene I don't want to trigger, because I can't guarantee my own reactions.

Think of it this way...let's say that this high school girl tried out for cheerleader. She didn't make it but her mother pitched such a fit that the school allowed her to be on the team. Everyone would know that she really didn't "make it," that she manipulated the situation to be what she wanted it to be, and she wonders who is whispering about the situation. She gets to cheer at the games and even has her picture in the year book but she knows in her heart that she really isn't truly a part of the group. She's there dishonestly. Do you think she would really enjoy being a cheerleader? Do you think she would be under the pressure of not knowing what is going on behind her back? She's got the uniform and even got to go to camp and maybe the other girls are nice to her but she'll always be considered the outsider. When people think back about high school years, the story of her participation will be recalled. She can imagine people pointing to her and telling the story of how she "cheated" to get what she wanted. It'll stay with her forever.

This is a pretty weak picture of how I think ow feel. They may get what they want but do they really have it? They wonder what is being said behind their back. Friends are nice to her face but what is said when her back is turned.

When a cheerleader that graduated comes to the game, all the cheerleaders come up to her and are thrilled to see her. She wonders, are they telling this graduate about me? I must try to hear the conversation. I am insecure. I don't belong and I know it.

I believe being an ow that "won" her man surely doesn't get what she bargained for. It's just like people who are desperate to become a celebrity and then complain that it ruins their lives.

Deservedly so this woman is miserable. She still wants your life. She wants respectablility but she gave that up. It can't be restored. The best thing to do is ignore her. She's an outsider and will always be.

Well, jph, I think you hit it on the nose. She's an outsider not because of the A, but because she's a weirdo, and people sense that even though they are trying to make excuses for her.

What they don't realize, because his show is good, is that H is becoming a weirdo, too. That's why he was attracted to her. Snap! The biggest reward in my M was that, despite everything, I loved him. I doubt she her love runs very deep -- it was more attraction to a position where she would be accepted, and a high-school kind of crush. I doubt that she can cope with the difficulties. I think I had figured out a lot of H's problems, he didn't like the diagnosis, so he went to a new "doctor," in this case a quack. So with her inadequate skills, she's going to re-do all the diagnostic tests and try to take a reading. By the time she figures it out, if she does, the disease will be far advanced.

As he unravels -- should he start to unravel publicly -- they are going to blame her. It won't be entirely just -- but that's how the cookie crumbles. As the saying goes: I'd cry but I'm all cried out.

Gee, we're into metaphor today!

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 01:41 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Here's a nagging thought I have, and maybe I'm too Polly-anna, but maybe she has come up with some conclusions of her own about his unraveling, and wants to check them out with you...after all, she is getting ready to take a big step with him, she wants to know what she is getting into...