Just to update you all...Dad has left again. we were doing sooo well for 3 weeks, then I guess the craving of the addiction got the better of him and one night while working in the ER he called OW and it was all over.

He tried to hide it from me, but couldn't. I knew he had been with her. Not only did I see the pages from her, and he still tried to deny it..I saw the way he was acting.

He was distant toward me and hurting. he was very remorseful when I confronted him.

It was a very calm confrontation and he was very sorry for what he did, but he had to leave.

He says now he wants to come home, but he cant until he "does what he has to do"...end it with OW.

At this point, I dont know what I should do. I am confused, hurt, angry, you name it. We were supposed to go camping on thursday, so I suppose I will be taking my boys alone.

I do know that I cannot go on this way much longer. This is getting the best of me and my boys and I must get on with my life with or without him. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ June 13, 2004, 10:04 AM: Message edited by: momto3boys ]</small>

Dear Mom,

I have followed your story both here and on SYMC, but feel more comfortable here. I asked you once before if you were a Christian because I believe God is the only one who can actually change a heart.

My husband never left and I had never been on MB and didn't understand a lot of the "fog" talk and actions. However, I was taught to pray as a child and I cried out to God. When I was too distraught to pray, I called the 700 Club and a very spiritual man prayed for me. I read "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian and remembered another prayer from a seminar years before.

This is the prayer, "Heavenly Father, I ask you to rebuke and bind Satan in the name and through the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ. I ask You to build a hedge of thorns around my partner, so that anyone with wrong influence (I inserted name of OW) will lose interest in him and leave. I base this prayer on the command of your Word which states, 'What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.' Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer."

God answered this prayer in His perfect time, and two years later my husband thanked me for praying for him. Today our marriage is better than ever. My prayer for you and your family is that God will put that hedge of thorns around your family.

Sorry to hear that, Mom -- been there, done that, so I know how it feels.

Where are you vis-a-vis Plan A/Plan B? You've posted on this before, but I can't recall...

Mom, I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I haven't had the time to visit the other site you are at. I did post to you on recovery under your thread, but I'm not sure you read it.

I am so sorry for what you are and have been going through. Your H is terribly addicted. He is addicted because he seems to really want to come home, but ends up going back for his fix. I don't know what the experts are telling you, but I don't think I'd take him back too soon. He has to make up his mind to give the "B" up once and for all. It pisses me off that he is still so screwed up.

Concerning prayer, I did a lot of that to help my H's heart open up to me and away from her. If you want specifics just e-mail me. I'm thinking about you! CV

Mom,
I am so sorry. I was afraid that if your H did not write a NC letter and truly break it off, he would relapse... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

He WAS right to leave, you don't need him in the house now. He must work through this addiction without further hurting your boys.

Were you in PlanB when he returned? I know that you were getting professional advise and assume that you just came here to keep us updated. I just don't know what to tell you to do, but I will pray for you, Dad and the boys. Keep us posted, we care, Ladysing

I heard once advice for parents dealing with teenages: Be sad, not mad.

From what your H wrote several weeks ago, that OW was very empathetic with him. I know how hard it is not to be mad, because I was furious, but I think the best thing to do is simply go back to Plan B. Maybe you can let him know that there needs to be a review of what extraordinary precautions are necessary -- and they have to be more than what was before.

My H broke it off with Sophia just before she went on vacation for two weeks. Didn't work. He broke it off when I needed surgery. Didn't work. He broke it off after he broke my arm. Didn't work. He broke it off when he started an anger management group and told them about his affair. Didn't work.

I exposed the affair, in part because of something he had said, and I think he broke it off then in part because, two weeks before, on the day that I bought a First Communion dress for our 8 year old and he asked for a rosary ring, he said he thought to himself, "Why am in the woods with this needy woman?" It wasn't the exposure that ended the affair. It was the fog lifting.

Be sad for your H. And have him out of the house until he is over the addiction. You can only hurt the process by being needy and demanding. He has to make the decision himself.

Cherished

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 08:03 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

hi all- sign me up for the prayer club. I also read the Praying Husband book- and am wearing out the wife one. H left 20 days ago and its ripping us apart. h changed his address and I am filling that PO box up with prayers......otherwise DARK as I can manage.

PEACE OUT...and IN!

I also believe that prayer works. I prayed fervently for my FWH while in my plan B and while he was involved with OW.

I prayed something along the lines that his conscience would get strong and clear. That he would end his affair with OW, that he would come home renewed in his commitment to his family. That he would become, yet again, an honest man of honor, integrity, and character. I asked for this or something better in Jesus' name Amen.

I also agree that you need to get back into plan B (or PP) and let him play out his fantasy if he needs to or until he truly ends this A.

You may want consider selling your house (or leasing it) and moving back to San Antonio near your parents. Your Dad is ill and it may be good for all of you to be closer to them at this time. It will also help Dad to have to think about selling his practice and relocating if he wants his family back. He has been so reluctant to give up this NH and I just can't see you two reconciling unless he does...unless OW quits or gets fired. I know he may need to be concerned with legal ramifications in some of those decisions and how he ends it with OW. I pray she doesn't get pregnant...is that possible...if so I wouldn't put it passed her.

Time to pamper yourself..do stuff for you. Look at your anger...it only hurts yourself, but I know how difficult this is.

I am no plan YET. But will prbably go back into Plan B next week. he just left on Thursday. He kept contimplating staying, but ultimately I made the decision for him to leave cuz he couldn't break it off with OW right then. He needed to find the nerve to do it...so I said find it elsewhere!

As far as the NC letter...he sent a great one. But of course what good does it do if you dont stick to it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He always blamed OW for breaking it, but he was the one who broke it.

I really do feel sorry for the man, he is so confused and is giving up so much, but if that is what he wants then so be it. I have to let him go..He is the one who loses.

He is committed to the Family and Marriage but the addiction gets the best of him. We are supposed to go camping as a "family" on Thursday, but looks like I wil be going alone with the boys. We will have a great time. It will be a nice reminder to WH that he was not there on our fabulous vacation and it will be OW who is keeping him back. sad, realy sad.

Yes, I am a Christian...very actively involved in the church before March 2nd...and I haven't been going much since then. I feel terrible.

right now I have my DS5 keeping me busy and trying to learn new ways of coping with his newly diagnoses. I will survive either way. Thanks for the support!

Mom, I am so sorry to hear this. But I do see that you are much stronger now. I agree with all others. You just have to let him run the whole course. It is like some sickness, people won't be cured unless the whole thing is run. I know Dad wants to come back to you, not like my WH. He already made up his mind. But I still pray everyday, I have faith on GOD. Only GOD can do maricle, we human can not do anything. Prayers for you and the family.

Oh mom i thought they your wh would have more moxie than this, I did post to him once, and then he stopped posting, which I do believe is a big indicator on how things will go......... I not sure if this will help you but please read this cut & paste from another board, I hope that this is not where your hubby destiny lies.........
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbth...p;Main=311929&Search=true#Post311929

Dear mom,

I'm very sorry for you - your situation sounds so much like my own childhood, in some ways - my father is a doctor, and he and the OW were on/off again for several years. That is exactly how my parents marriage finally ended - my father kept going back to her "to figure things out", "to end it" - blaming the OW for being the one to contact him, vowing to my mother that it was "just you and the family from now on", then on again with OW as soon as OW managed to engineer contact. OW told me several years ago that she has regrets (I don't really believe this), but that she would have done ANYTHING to get my dad away from my mother. Finally, my mother told him to get out until he could get his head together. He never came home.

In retrospect, my mother wishes she had never asked him to leave ON THOSE TERMS. When I told her about plan A/plan B, she agreed that had she gone to plan B, and had the support we receive here, she may still have been married. She also tried hard to allow my Dad to have his "family life" while he was living with the OW, in the hopes that this would remind him of what he would have at home when/if he did come home.

I think now, that, as Harley says, that approach is guaranteed to fail - it simply allows the man to have his "s*x-mate, soul-mate" - bleeaacth! - and still enjoy family meals at home (camping?), and being with his kids. If he pays child support, he comes to think he is actually entitled to these privileges. In other words, he loses nothing. Nor did my mom ever deny him her friendship - she thought that he would see the contrast between her and the OW - not so, again, he just carried on having his cake and eating it, too. Whenever he had blow-ups with the OW, he looked for sympathy from us, his family - wierd.

So, since I have lived through it, I really do believe that Harley has the best approach - a good plan A, followed by a good plan B. In order to be able to choose between his life with OW, and his life with you and his family, he needs to spend time with the OW while BEING DENIED COMPLETELY his family life and his friendship with you. Unless he experiences this, he has little to lose, because there are no consequences for him.

This is just my take on it, but I would go to plan B at this point and stick to it. With children, it is hard, but you can agree on ways that he can see them alone. And believe me, as a child who has done it, his children will put him on the spot and expect some answers.

I'm very sorry - I also believe in prayer and the "thorn fence" is the best prayer I have ever heard. I prayed something like it when my H was being tempted, although my H never left, he often threatened to.

Prayers for you.

LIR

So that would be my advice

Oh mom, what are we going to do with dad? He is certainly addicted and I think he knows this. But an addict is an addict.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and back on the Plan B wagon. You know he will be back, but you need to guard and protect your love.

Stick with us and let us help you through this.

LIR, thank you soooo very much for sharing that with me. I know you are right. I must go into Plan B and not let him have his cake and eat it too. he did tell me last time that he misses me terribly when he is out of the house. It is the reality of it all that hits him hard. He found every excuse to drive by the house and knowing that was HIS house but he was not allowed to go in it really ate him up inside.

He does know how much there is to lose, I think I did a really good job showing him the person I have become and can be in the past three weeks, but that I will not put up with his fence sitting. He must make up his mind. I have told him many times that I cannot make him happy nor can the OW, only he can make himself happy. He has to choose to be happy and until he does that he cannot move forward.

He has said many times he WANTS to be here with me, but he cant break this addiction. I do so badly want him home, but I cant live this roller coaster ride he takes me and the boys on.

It is really very sad, he was so looking forward to going camping with us, but I think at this point, I must go alone and let him find his way home slowly. tonight I am taking the boys to a minor league baseball game. An outing we had planned together many weeks ago. I have 5 tickets and only 4 to use.

believer...I feel like I am living YOUR life <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> with my WH coming and going. I dont know how you do it! I hope that I am strong enough to stay in plan B for a while this time.

What are we going to do with YOU believer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Dear M2-3b,

Sorry to hear of the backslide. Like a mudslide, the best way to survive is to get you and your family out of the way. Ow is under that mud and d2-3b has chosen to be stuck in the mud.

Unless you use your survival techniques (as LIR beautifully descibed it), your ability to stay safe from the A are slim. You are doing good and a solid plan B seems safe.

Remember, if the OW was that great, he'd be a gonner already. The fact that his actions shows he misses his family, is a good sign. There is still some sense and saness left in his soul. Of course a lot of alien fog is trying hard to take over his heart and mind.

Am I making this up? No, there was a sad but strong example of this from a former MBer, those he was a WS, then claimed to be an Xws, he posted often and seemed to help many. Many but his own family and himself. Now he is off again i deinal of his own issues and trying to sooth them by keeping his R going with the former OW (because now they are both d'd). It is sad because his anger to his family and in some sad and angry ways does show he missses them, still shows.

The point I am trying to make is to help you see further down the road. D2-3boys still has a chance to recover but it is now more on his shoulders. You have already been through this pattern and now know what to do. Each time he slips as such, the recovery responsiblity is more on his shoulders, not less. This is where patience needs to be excercised on your part. Patience as far as your R with him.

Remember his is still a father and needs to have parent time with your children. Maybe some of that responsibility s/b shared (ie: ballgame, etc.). However, your R is on hold until he proves he is worthy of you. He needs to show that he can be a valuable family member.

The A disease has entrenched itself. Like any deep rooted illness, it takes a lot of effort to get well. The doctor's can only do so much. The individual's body has to do most of the recovery work. That's where d2-3boys is now.

Let your healing process continue and let him work on his.

I am proud of you and will pray for the recovery of your H.

From the heart of CA to yours.

Love,
L.

Hi Mom,

I'm really sorry to hear this.

I'm sure you know that OW will not be able to meet all your H's important emotional needs, because if she could he wouldn't be playing ping/pong between the both of you for so long.

You sound stronger each time he does this. And I think your lovebank for him is depleting fast. Which if you think about it, that's where your strength is coming from, less love.

I thnk it's great you're going on the camping trip without him anyway. I think you should start doing more of those type activities to gain additional strength. Concentrate on you and your beautiful boys.

BTW: Does the OW and your H still read here?

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ June 13, 2004, 01:13 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Sorry, Mom, to hear your news. I didn't have time to read your entire thread, but did want to post to you.

Take care of YOU and your boys. You are doing very well as you are able to see this for what it is--his addiction. And he will need to see that and make the hard choices, and make them stick.

This isn't over, but I would recommend going back to a Plan B. Silence. He doesn't get to assuage his guilt by making sure you are ok, etc. NO contact.

Pray, heal yourself, get stronger. My daily mediation books sure help==Letting Go ones with Melodie Beattie and Surviving Betrayal, Alice May.
You will get through this, and stronger as a woman, as a human being and in your faith. Plan B, and a real strong one, and one in which he can't return without all the steps SH recommends to get NC.

mom -

I am doing great again. Back in Plan B doing fine. Dad knows what he needs to do. He is not stupid, the seeds have been planted.

He will not stay with OW, of that I am sure. But this is an addiction battle. Believe me, I have been through it all. I really understand this now.

I do not know how this will end for me, but I do know that I need someone who loves me, like I love them. What my WH can provide is not enough.

momto...

you should seek legal counsel and find out what you can put in place legally to protect the children from any contact with her...

no contact with third parties...

no meet daddies new 'friend"

kids do not need that....

YOU though..
YOU
you sound really good.
strong
in good control

stay steady...
rise above his chaos and know that you are going to be OK....

I wouldn't concern myself too much with a plan B letter..
he knows what he needs to do...

just go dark dark dark..
pitch black dark....
when he comes to see the kids...
you leave without a peep...

prayers and strength to you

ark

Might get a hammering for this one...

ADDICTION
That is one fantastic excuse.
Fact is, nicotine is addictive. Heroin is addictive.
Affairs are not.

Stop making excuses for WSs.
Stop letting them make excuses.

We all have free will, and As are down to the WSs own lack of control of their selfish impulses, not addiction.

Mom, I hope you are ok. Hopefully H will come out of this fog, but I hope that most of all you will be happy and find strength for your boys. He needs to realise he can control his actions, He may be screwed up, but he is not addicted.

Sending lots of love