I was wondering what anyone else thought about this. My WS supposedly fell "in love" in 3 days. The first thing he told anyone who asked was that he was in love, that OW was so hot & wild in bed. (Well, what on earth do you expect from a former? prostitute. She even brags about this). How could you be in love with someone you don't even know? Then when OW wanted to hurt me she mentioned how WS said I was dead in bed. Nothing about any other problems we may have had, only the sex. How could it have been anything else but sex since none of the other needs could possibly have been met in this short of a time. WS & I were best friends long before we had a physical relationship, and neither one of us had to worry about hurting anyone else by being together. In fact, people envied our relationship. That was of course until OW came into the picture. I loved sex with WS. I know after awhile things sort of get routine but is good sex a reason to give up everything? And do some confuse hot & wild sex for love?

C,

I am with you. I think the same thing. Our sex life was very routine. My H must prefer heavier women, as all his ex's have been pretty big. Not sure but I think they bigger breasts and the newness of sex does make a difference to them. I am with you hon it ain't love, it is lust.

HINY

Do some give up everything for lust? Apparently so.

I think it may be sad, but true. My WH claims to have been in love, but is now starting to see it was just lust. At least, her part. He still says he was in love with her and it must have been just sex for her, but I think he is still very much in the fog.

She would do kinky stuff - stuff I would never do. Gross, disgusting sexual things that I believe are not a part of love at all.

My WH and OW started off as friends, but I know he is mistaken lust for love. I do believe he cares for her, but to love her is another story.

I found books and DVD on Kama Sutra in his gym bag. Plus he started to drink pineapple juice. He started drink it the week he started the affair. I'm not going into the specifics on that but it makes something sweeter. Everything is about sex.

I'm pretty sure the OW read the book "302 Advanced Techniques for Driving a Man Wild in Bed". I bought it right after my H told me about the A, thinking it would help, but the book disgust me, its all about malipulating a man. The few things I read the OW was doing to capture my H. I told him about it the book and how I believe the OW was using it , but he was in fog. She had him drinking the pineapple juice and buying ankle braclets for her. You have to read the book to understand.

In one of his nasty remarks, he said he married me because he thought he was going to have sex everyday or whenever he wanted it. I guess that's what the OW was for, to fill his sexual needs. Now she is the "love of his life". Like any marriage we didn't have sex as often as we first got married. I did put on some weight and felt self-conscience, but the OW is bigger. So I shouldn't felt that way, plus my WH always told me how beautiful I was.

Right before he admitted to the A. I tried to become initimate with him and he said I had to woo him. Excuse me, I work two jobs and you stay at home, and now I have to woo him. I guess the OW was doing that for awhile, also.

For Valentine's I bought a sexy little teddy, but he said I didn't turn him on anymore. (Ouch)

Sex is hot when you a new to a relationship, but I'm waiting for her to show her true colors, then we will see how hot the sex is then.

He is mistaken sex for love. I'm afraid if he does come back, how will I compare sexually especially with all his research. I know I'm better woman spiritually and morally. In fact a better woman period.

Men give love for sex and women give sex for love.

It's enough to make a woman become gay!!!

Men are such idiots. Your H's OW is smarter than your H. What about STD's from such a well &^%$#@ woman? She's bound to be carrying the genital warts virus and herpes too. Will he love that when he gets it? Will he think "in love" when he's having something the size of a caulifour cut off his genitals?

Mmmm. My H decided to cheat after 30 years of a really happy M, (yes it was very successful but with average sex twice a week).....the girl, half his age, had BIG breasts. And I had only loved him. What does love count against a pair of big, high, firm boobs? Nothing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by anyname:
<strong> Men are such idiots. My H decided to cheat after 30 years of a really happy M, (yes it was very successful but with average sex twice a week).....the girl, half his age, had BIG breasts. And I had only loved him. What does love count against a pair of big, high, firm boobs? Nothing. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Men are grown-up boys. Women are just grown-up girls.

For boys, life is interesting only if it is adventurous. Girls get kicks out of playing "relationship", thus the huge success of toys like Barbie.

You say that you had "average" sex 2x a week, and your marriage was really happy. Perhaps YOU were really happy, but he was bored.

A lot of women judge the success of the marriage by their own criteria of what a marriage should look like. If a man has other opinions, women often discount the man's ideas as juvenile, or simply wrong.

Slapnuts you wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You say that you had "average" sex 2x a week, and your marriage was really happy. Perhaps YOU were really happy, but he was bored.

A lot of women judge the success of the marriage by their own criteria of what a marriage should look like. If a man has other opinions, women often discount the man's ideas as juvenile, or simply wrong.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am a BW and I so TOTALLY agree with this statement! (I thought you were Dr. Laura) LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> before I read your name! Yeah....we women TOO OFTEN do discount our H's ideas and feelings. In Recovery nobody has learned this more than me....therefore I have a "happy h" now!

Blessings,
Atruheart
Some may take offense to your statement, just wanted to let you know....I am woman and did NOT. It is a very eye opening statement! THANKS

Dear Cyn,

I think what may be mistaken is passion and intimacy (for love) not the act itself.

I don't think men are quite as ignorant as some though! I think what they have are needs. And hard as it may be to believe....men need to "feel" love too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Often.....years after M, we get lazy. We start taking our H's and W's for granted.

I do all I can now to fill the needs my H was odviously seeking outside of our M. So far/ so good.

Takes a lot of TALK and a lot of LISTENING.....I used to do mosly the prior now I do a lot of the later....listening is good for the soul. Teaches ya a thing or two.

Don't have to always say "something"....or react. Quiet dissernment is powerful both to my H and to myself... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Shows great compassion~caring~love....what was being fullfilled by the fantasy (OW)is now replaced by his own W, which is what a H wants in the FIRST PLACE. Just MHO.

Blessings,
Atruheart

I know sex can become routine, however why doesn't WS say something? I was working 3 jobs and our hours never matched. OW didn't have a job. I would have been willing to try almost anything. Now that WS and OW will be seperated for about 2 yrs. do you think the relationship will die too? I mean if it was based on sex it won't be long before he sees that's all she had to offer him. (Well, that of course and this child she claims is his). If WS or OW could never have sex again would the other stick around? Doubtful. I feel true love has nothing to do with sex, that it is just an added bonus. So if all of us get good at sexual skills then no one would have an A right? Dr. Phil says the basis for a good M is a solid friendship and mutual respect. Not a word about sex. And of course most OW use sex to get these men to leave their W's. Who cares that they have nothing else to offer.
So I guess an A truly is an illusion. You are not in love with the person but their ability to be good in bed. And all this time I thought there was more to it. Silly me.

The OW seduces your man by using sex and that is how they think they will hold on to your man.

They forget all things that goes into a relationships. Yes, sex is a part of it, but later on they will have deal with other issues. That is when the A usually ends, at least I pray it does.

The A is fantasy and escape from reality and all their responsibilies.

In time sex in a marriage does diminish, but it does not give the right for the WS to have an affair.

We are 50% responsible for the marriage, and so are they. They should talked to us, go to counseling instead of cheating on us.

As a FWH, I have to say...

ABSOLUTELY!

Speaking for myself, my W and I had always, well maybe not ALWAYS, but had had a pretty tame sex life for quite a while before my A. My W teaches, and so has a lot of work that she has to bring home many days. During the week she would be so tired that we were usually only having sex once a week. The running "joke" was that sex in our home could only occur on Saturdays, after 10PM, when both kids were in bed. We have been married 21 years this year, and it has been a constant decline.

And I, as a very insecure male (but that's redundant, now isn't it?) related love with sex. I mean, what are we shown at every possible turn...if a women truly loves a man, she'll agree ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, and she'll always be "in the mood". Our male ego's tell us that if our wives aren't in the mood, then they don't love us, or are unhappy with some situation in our lives, and that must be our fault somehow.

Let me qualify that statement with this: I believe that men who have always been the aggressor, and who have never gotten the amount of sex they feel is "normal", will think this way. Men who have had a pretty aggressive sex life early in their lives, or courtships, and basically know they can have it whenever they want it are the ones who tend to lose interest in it. What is there to conquer, if there is no "chase" involved. I see this a lot on the boards when women post that they're all over their H's, and H seems to care less. It's the same with men...we are all over our wives; in fact, we tend to drive them away from us sexually with our unceasing begging, bartering, whining, etc., for sex.

So anyway, I've rambled on too long. My basic answer to your question, though, is that some men do, in fact, equate frequency and enjoyment of sex with love. The more you want to do it, the more you must love him (and the bigger stud he must be). It takes some serious introspection and additional maturity to realize that this isn't necessarily the case.

Oscar

Yea, it can get confused when certain brain neurotransmitters get involved. Dopamine for example. Many times it's just the newness and the literal endorphin high that makes them think they're in love. They are in lust.

And it's hilarious now. My x and I were never bad in the bedroom area. In fact now he said to me last february that I was in the end quite more accomplished than his new w (former OW). But she was new. She was freshly airbrushed on the pages of Maxxim last year and ltierally the complete opposite physically of me.

What's funny now is I find out she's worn hair extensions all this time. Her real hair is all dry and shorter, much shorter w/broken wiry ends. She's no longer tanning constantly as she used to and her skin looks much older than mine. She has had another child thus that might explain why x has reminisced about our bedroom time together.

Oh how hormones and brain neurotransmitters confuse many men and women out there.

I read a study a few months back where it said if you wanted to create a new relationship from a casual date then just do something that will cause an endorphin high. They said go see a scary movie, ride a rollercoaster, skydive or bunjee jump...but all the while reading it I thought to myself that there is nothing riskier than seeing a married man or woman on the sly. Talk about an endorphin high from doing something illicit ok?

Cyn:

I think only one other Man gave his perspective to you; so here I am, and here I go.

For starters I am sorry you are in this pain. I wish I could sprinkle something in the air and make it better; but I don't have that kind of majic. But I cna give you some facts concerning MY life.

I was always sort of shy. Even though i am sot of attractive, I only had a handful of girlfriends in my entire life. When OW approached me and told me she had a crush on me, it made m feel really good. ANyone would feel good. It was nice to hear.

When we kissed for the first time, she acted like she was melting. She kept pulling away to say, "I'm in heaven. I've thought about this for so long!" And then we continued kissing. Once again, it was nice to hear.

When things started hetting a bit more serious and I got her underwear off, she started moaning like my I ad some amazing techniques with my hands that I never knew I had. My W NEVER moaned like that, just from using my hands. To be honest with you, Cyn, I kind of suspected she was faking a bit, but I didn't care. It was "fun." It built up my ego.

When we started having sex, she just went nuts. She squeezed me so tight, I thought I was going to suffer from internal bleeding!

Now I see her for what she is and was. Manipulative. She knew what she was doing. She wanted me, and she knew how to get me. We did not talk about things W and I talked about. We did not do things W and I did. I was M. She was M. But suddenly, we felt like teenagers again. Yeah, brain chemicals had a lot to do with it, but nobody THINKS about that.

Was I ever in love. Nah! I know now that I was using her for sex. I won't say I didn't like her. I won't say I did not care abut her. I won't tell you she and I wer enot friends. I won't tell you that I did not daydream about how wonderful it would be to have sex like that all the time.

It was NOT love for me; however, that did not stop me from trying to get it to drag out as long as it could.

Yes, OW was manipulative; but perhaps she was in love with me. I don't know. I am aware that women think differently. She was willing to leave her H and kids for me. was not willing to do the same for her.

So, in reference to your question -- DOES GOOD SEX GET MISTAKEN FOR LOVE? The answer is probably NO. Your H knows deep down that he most likely does not LOVE this woman. But it is very difficult to walk away from the situation he is in. Sadly, what he is doing is quite "normal." I hate to make blanket statements. I honestly do. But a lot of men would find it difficult to walk away from what I had, and what other WS had.

Sex has a horrible hold on other people. Who ever heard of someone having an A because OP is friendly, or smart, or honest, or a hard worker? I haven't. But throw some great sex in there ... and the A begins.

Please smile, my friend. You will be fine.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by atruheart:
<strong>I so TOTALLY agree with this statement! (I thought you were Dr. Laura) LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> before I read your name! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

Yikes. No, not me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Some may take offense to your statement, </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I tend to have that effect on women, offending them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> It has been my experience through this whole mess with my H that men do equate sex with love. This seems to be when they feel most vulnerable (I'm thinking yeah....vulnerable to what <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) and women love on an emotional level. I hate that part. If my H is upset or thinks I am mad at him, sex seems to make it all ok and he's <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> otherwise he goes around <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

So does that this mean that now WS and OW will physically be seperated that the relationship will die even though OC is involved? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />