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Joined: Jun 2002
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There's been no infidelity. It's about how he just doesn't treat her well, doesn't treat her needs and feelings as important. He got nasty with her in the car on the way home last night after drinking too much at my housewarming party. He suggested she move out if she wasn't happy. Ugh, I wish I hadn't served alcohol, even though I know they likely had problems brewing well before last night.

What articles on this site should I point her towards?

Which message board forum would be a place she could post (considering there's no infidelity)?

She's talking about moving out while her H is away on business over the next few days. She's talking about taking all of her stuff.

I pointed out that I've heard stats about how once a couple separates and lives in separate dwellings the rate of divorce is much higher than for those who live in separate rooms.

I am a bit fearful that I am going to have a tendancy to try to push her to save her M in large part b/c mine failed. But I feel this huge responsibility to try to help others not suffer the same fate as me.

Any and all advice would be appreciated. Time is of the essence I'd say.

Jen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ June 13, 2004, 11:41 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

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Jen,

I am not sure what you mean by he got nasty with her.....but if he got violent,then why would you want her to stay right now if her saftey is a possible issue? Alcohol is no excuse for getting nasty.....there are no excuses at all. No-one deserves an abusive relationship. He needs help and she needs support.A DV councellor maybe her best option right now.

Take care.

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Hi Jen,

Just cuz I know were in the same town I thought I'd make a suggestion. I contacted the Family Enrichment Centre (they're in the white pages) and they have a line on a few marriage enrichment program/retreats that may be helpful. The folks there will send you/her a package promptly if you ask. My WW wasn't interested in pursuing that with me, so I can't give a testimonial to their effectiveness.

We all are responsible for our friends marriages. I beleive the minister usually tells us that when we witness a marriage.

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Ooops, I guess the phrase "got nasty" may have sounded worse than it was. He just got very angry and yelled a lot of unkind things at her, including telling her that if she was so unhappy with him, she should leave.

Binder, thanks for the very locally specific help! I will have to give her that suggestion!!

One of the difficult things is that she is a very strong woman, who doesn't seem to have a lot of patience left and seems (my take on it) to view dragging this out any longer as weak. That combined with an H with a lot of pride and his unwillingness to apologize (so far) seem to compound things a bit, and make it somewhat unlikely that they'll consider counselling. But I'll still make the suggestion!

Jen

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Can you be 100% sure there is no infidelity?

It depends how long they have been unhappy: last night could be put down to just a row sparked by alcohol, that wouldnt have happened otherwise. Dont blame yourself for serving alcohol!

It seems daft to be considering just leaving him wiothout any attempt to talk to him to let him know there is a problem. He may not be aware of how he has made her feel.

The best thing you can do is be there for her, be neutral and make her feel loved.

Probably not very helpful, just a few thoughts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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Hi Jen,

Can you give us some more specifics? Like,do they have kids,how long have they been married,ages,what other kinds of problems do they have(do you know)? Such as a drinking problem/alcoholism?

You can support your friend as much as you can but ultimately it is going to be the decision of them both to decide if the marriage is worth salvaging.I personally think most marriages are or at least should be given a chance but both partners need to be willing to make those necessary changes within themselves to make it work.That can be a challenge.

You could try offering some of Dr.Phil's books like 'Relationship Rescue'.I liked that one but there is a LOT of work to do(questionnaries,writing)and it does require a lot of each person to make changes,take action,to make the relationship what you want it to be.

If I were you,I would try to convince your friend to stay in the home unless the H was being verbally and/or physically abusive in some way.I think it's in their best interest to be together to try and work out their problems then to be separate,as you mentioned.I have gone through 2 separations myself as requested by WH and IMO it solved nothing.If anything,it made everything worse.

O

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

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From what she tells me she has tried on several occasions to make it clear to him what upsets her about his actions.

Can I be 100% sure there's been no infidelity, no, but she and I have talked so openly about my own, I don't think she'd hide it from me if there were.

They're been married for 5 years. No kids. Have been trying to conceive with no success. She's 33 he's 35 (his b-day was last week).

I once tried Relationship Rescue, but by myself, so I gave up after a few chapters worth of questions.

Indeed Octobergirl, it would seem that a separation is just one step closer to destroying a marriage rather than saving it.

She told me all about this on MSN yesterday, not on the phone, so I'm lacking in some details. I asked her if I could call her later on yesterday to check on her and she asked to be left alone, so I'm respecting that request, but going a little crazy, so I wrote her a big email last night telling her my perspective on how I think separation is counterproductive. I think I'm going to send her a brief one this morning about

a) making sure her H knows why she's unhappy (never assume a spouse can read your mind, they can't and shouldn't have to)
b) how it's worth it to at least try counselling if they're both open to it - and mention binder's specific suggestion

Jen

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I would advise her to search her heart to find forgiveness for her husband's behaviour. Love is patient and kind. It does not keep a record of wrongs or rights. Do they have a pastor they can speak to? Are they Christians?

I feel so sad for all the people who do not have Jesus as their Saviour. For with Him all is possible. There are so many blinded from the saving Grace of God.

I am not good with words and writing what is deep in my heart, but my heart goes out to all who are suffering within their marriages. There is only one answer - Jesus Christ.

I will not post again for I think people will take this the wrong way and not see the love of Christ that I have in my heart for all who are hurting. ALL of the answers are in the Bible.

Jen, I pray for your friends that they will seek to find Jesus as the answer. This is the only help I can offer.

I do speak from experience. I hurt my H more than I ever could have imagined. I threw myself down at the feet of Jesus Christ and begged for forgivenss from God. I then threw myself down at the feet of my H and begged forgiveness.

My life is now led by Christ and it is truly amazing how wonderful a gift salvation is. All praise and glory to God.

Signing off (probably for good).

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Jen,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One of the difficult things is that she is a very strong woman, who doesn't seem to have a lot of patience left and seems (my take on it) to view dragging this out any longer as weak.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Toss in a statement about how "I know how tempting it is to just throw in the towel, but that's so weak and is rarely productive. I know that only a very strong person like yourself could....." (get counseling, take a good introsepctive look, learn to tell H of dissatisfactions w/o LBs... whatever).

Maybe she'll take the bait <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .


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