Hi. I am new to your site. My husband is ncwalker and has brought me here. I am a ww. I am sorry if I don't do this correctly at first. I just needed to post so badly. I have been reading many threads and it has meant so much to me.

I will try to give a brief history. My BS and I have been together for 16 years, married for 13 of those. We have three children from 13yrs to 4 yrs. Until now, we had onlu been with each other sexually. We both love God, but I have done something to my marriage that I would have NEVER imagined I would be able to do. My husband was sent overseas for a year, and during that time, I decided it was time to lose weight and regain some selfesteem. I was excited because I wanted to surprise him when he got back. I honestly did not have wrong intentions. I started with a male trainer(first mistake) who was highly recommended as someone who was all business. I quickly felt very comfortable with him and trusted him. He is married and seemed very devoted. I found him physically attractive, but did not have any fear of doing anything. And I honestly felt safe with him that he would not have any intentions like that. All was normal for about 3 1/2 months. I was accomplishing my physical goals and feeling great about it. I was so excited about having something that made me feel good after being
"just a mom" all these years. So, so , so selfish. I found myself enjoying his company and his compliments. He made me feel really good about how far I had come. It was never really an EA (at least I don't think so?). I had a lot of fun and he met a need for me(EA?). I had been very lonely and the whole thing picked my spirits up.

I remember when he changed towards me, though. It was weird, like something quickly changed for him. He became attracted to me. He started to give me more compliments, and be a little too intimate with the physical coaching. By that time, I felt addicted to the attention. Almost like I craved it. I couldn't really understand why he could even see me that way. This is so humiliating to admit. I became dependent on him, almost like I needed him to like me.

Looking back, his actions were so well planned that I feel so stupid. He eventually made an all out move on me, and to my own surprise, I did turn him down at that time. He kept it up, and I did give in. Then I was attatched. I hate to admit it, but I felt no power to stop being with him. God did convict me, and I was in constant struggle inside. I would break it off, and then I would go back. Over and over again. His approval and physical closeness became something I felt sick without. i would then feel sick with it b/c I knew what I was doing and that ultimately he was using me too. So sick, isn't it?

Sorry so long. My BS is wonderful. We have had our share of issues, intimate ones also, in the past. Things that we are in MC for now. So much I don't understand. I feel like God is finally showing me what is really in me, and it is horrible. We are right in the middle of this thing. I am definitely in a fog and in major withdrawal. I told my husband, and then went back behind his back. I want to save my marriage, and I don't want to hurt my husband anymore. I broke it off, but it is so hard. He lives in my neighborhood, and I have to see his vehicles just about every day. It makes w/d hurt so much more. It is not that big of a deal for the OM. He only ever seem bothered by the fact that I couldn't do this thing with ease("because if our spouses didn't find out, no one would have to get hurt"). I can't believe I have felt and do feel so attatched to a him even after knowing this.

Anyway, I feel very blessed to be here. I do want to stay close to God. You all seem so special and I hope one day, with at lot of God's help, I can become a blessing instead of the cause of such pain. There are SO MANY of you that are like God's kindest angels that have said things that have kept me from the wrong thing. Please keep it up, because you really are God's strength to my M and our hopeful recovery.

Welcome to MB. I know that you will find a LOT of great advice and honest, caring people here. As much as I feel for your pain and admire your honesty,me and a lot of other males will be following your posts for selfish reasons. We are trying deperately to understand why our wives did what they did.

We will try to give you all the support we can but also realize your honesty will give great comfort to the men & women on this forum.

runaway, glad you have decided to turn to MB for help. It truly has been a lifesaver for me through the struggles my WH and I have had. You will find many knowledgeable people here that are willing to give assistance.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> His approval and physical closeness became something I felt sick without. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WH said this also ... physically sick without OW. It hurts to hear, but ultimately, that is what he felt and you can't deny that.

Stay strong, talk with your H. He will need COUNTLESS reassurances of where you are, what you feel, how much you love him. I know I could never hear any of that enough!

Hi there runawaypot,

Welcome to MB.

You took the first step to recovery and that is admitting what you did was wrong.Then,you have also admitted to needing help and you sound remorseful although we know it is hard for you.As a general rule,anyone that is interested in saving their marriage whether it is a BS or a WS,we love to help so stick with us and we will help you get there!

There are other wayward wives(WW's)here so I hope they will post to you too.Some are back in their marriages and doing very well.

If you haven't already,read up on all the concepts here and get the books: SAA(Surviving and Affair) and HNHN(His Needs Her Needs) by Dr.Harley.Keep coming back to post here for support especially if you find yourself leaning toward contacting the OM again.We can help you get through those withdrawal feelings.

O

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Runawaypot -

I strongly suggest that you move. I think it will ease the pain this will cause your H on your road to recovery. Continue to be supportive of your H and look beyond his anger as he deals with this. I'm not suggesting that you allow him to attack you verbally but you can just offer support and be understanding as reality hits him.

So here's the plan:
Put your house on the market.
Find a new house far away and get out of that neighborhood.
Continue MC with your H.
Don't forget about your children during this recovery.

Are you still in contact with OM? Sounds like you are. You have to stop if you want to save your M. Your H is a wonderful man who wants you regardless of your flaws...but he won't hang around if you continue to hurt him like this.

It took you guys 16 years to build the level of trust you had prior to your A and it'll take a great deal of time to overcome the hurt of your betrayal.

I hope you stay around on this board. I will pray for you.

WELCOME


You can recover your self esteem
your marriage
your love for your husband


WELCOME

read the entire site information about infidelity... not just the here on the discussion forum.

Take care.

Pep

runaway -

Welcome and glad you came here. An affair is like an addiction and just like a drug addict, you have to go cold turkey, which is very difficult.

I am the BS, but talking to my WH and other WS's here, I see how extremely hard it is.

Stick with us, and we will help you through this difficult time. Don't give up on yourself.

Thank you for all the responses. I am going to have to learn to navigate how to use the site, like quotes you have said, so please forgive me. I understand the BS that said you would be watching what was said for selfish reasons. I am still figuring out why I did it. That does torment me a lot. I know a lot for me was a craving for approval, all the way from my past. Not making ANY excuses, trust me. I am just learning what is in me from this A. I am sorry for your hurt(BS) because I am waking up enough to see the tremendous pain it has caused my H.

On the subject of moving, etc...I think that would be GREAT! just don't know if it is an option financially, etc. My H is trying to get another job(was already wanting to) and relocate near our family out of town. It is just making it much more desirable to do it quickly.

I had not read about the NC letter when I cut off contact with the OM. I left a message on a cell phone. He was gone for a week and called me about 10 days later in acknowledgement of the call. That has been it. No seeing him or anything. It is going to take some effort on my part.

I appreciate all the input on how to get acquainted with MB and the books. We will do all of it, as I feel like I am holding on to His garment for dear life at the moment. I know my H is amazing, and I want to get over this depression and all that goes with it so I can give something back to him. Does anyone experience how you feel almost lost to this world and your BS while withdrawing from the A? Any advice?

Welcome!

I know EXACTLY how you feel – I am a FWW. My EA was only about three months but WOW, how attached you can get to someone in three months! I had the same feelings as you, addicted to the situation, the things OM would say/do to make me feel special – like I was the one he was looking for; BTW, he was married too.

I have been married for 11 years, 11 great years. We had our difficulties, I have extreme low self-esteem due to abuse as a kid. So I’m feeling cruddy about myself and here comes this person from my past and we hook up. What a great feeling, someone after all these years remembered ME!

HA, what fog talk!!! I had a lot of that, and still do in my head from time to time. My husband found out in March and that was our first D-Day but I continued on until mid-April when I husband found out again. I ended it right then and there. Today will be two months to the day of no contact.

Did I feel guilty? Sure, I was committing a HUGE sin, I mean adultery is one of the biggies and here I was, tossing out my morals for some guy, for the addiction. The booger about it all was that I had to change my morals to justify my A. Again, another sign of addiction – you know it’s wrong but you can’t break it off, thus change your outlook and then it isn’t so bad.

OM was the same way too regarding what was going on – “What the spouses don’t know won’t hurt them”. What a load of crap. Spouses know, and they hurt – hiding it only makes it worse for them.

I sent a NC letter on 4/14/04 and have maintained NC. Withdrawals SUCK, fog SUCKS, but IT DOES GET BETTER!!!!! I promise you that. But you have to maintain no contact! One relapse and you are back to square one, and your H will be devastated yet again.
I am glad to hear you are in MC, I hope it’s a Christian based counseling who advocates marriage. So many counselors seem to think divorce is a viable option. It is for some, but not in every situation…

Are you in individual counseling? If not, please think about doing that. IC helps me with my specific issues, dealing with the past, etc. MC is helping my husband and I heal.

My H and I now have a more intimate relationship than ever before. We are so in love with each other. We have established a bond and have closed all the windows that can hurt our marriage.

I am not saying that I don’t have bad days anymore. I miss the OM’s friendship, we had a lot of laughs. But was he a good man, no. The fog in me says he was but reality is he isn’t. He has no remorse for what happen, other than it didn’t go further. Sure he misses my friendship but not much I think. So yes, there are days where I still struggle but you know what, it’s not worth risking my marriage, it’s not worth hurting my husband. My husband has forgiven me, God has forgiven me, I am trying to forgive myself.

You will get through this. It’s a tough road, the first two weeks of NC were the toughest for me. Then little by little it got easier, especially because I could be open and honest about my feelings with my husband. Gosh, I am so blessed!

Get the book “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass, it’s a great book! In fact, get two copies, one for you to read and one for your hubby to read at the same time.

Read everything on the site. There is plenty of advice here. Also, when you are tempted to break no contact, look at this message board instead. Read of the heartache on this board, think about how much pain it will cause you and your hubby if you talk to this OM again. Slowly but surely you will get better. Give your pain, withdrawals, and fog to God. He will shine His beautiful light on the lies and clear them up. He will get you and your husband through this.

Remember: you-GOD-husband.

Runaway -

I realize that moving may not meet your needs financially but you need to make the decision to focus on your M and what's best for your M right now is not living in OM's neighborhood.

It would show you H your desire to put him and his needs first. Start looking...even if you have to live in an apt for a while during the transition.

It'll be an adventure that will allow you to take your mind off of the A and focus on recovery.

Tell us how the A was exposed? Did your husband find out or did you simply tell him about the A? Does your H know the OM?

This will be very important information in the coming weeks.

Thank you so much for your reply. Your situation sounds so much like mine. My self esteem has been a huge issue. I would like to get into IC. The scary thing is, right now, I can't see two feet in front of me. The last contact was not much more than a day ago, and I want to do it right. I am ashamed to admit how much it hurts. I feel at a total loss and cannot function. Why am I such a mess? I know, like you, it is WRONG, and have chosen to stop it. I am totally surprised by the pain of loss involved. Friendship, physical, laughing, all of it. Even though it was a super duper trick of the enemy to make it look so good. I know it is a lie. Why all the pain? I know I need to love on my H and help him, but how do you get there when you can't see past your own selfish pain?

Forgive me for being so negative. I didn't know I could get this way. It just seems pretty dark right now. My H and I have a separation just from the pain of it, and the OM is another separation. MY H IS the more important man, but I feel like the two people I have cared most about are far from me, and I have definitely caused it all. With God's help, it will get better. Just having one of those dark days before the dawn, I guess.

I just read the post before my last one, so here is some info.

I exposed the A to my husband.But the details were not given all at once. After I exposed the A, I went back for a total of almost three months.
He does not personally know the OM, but he sees him drive by and wave. His wife waves too. How awful. The OM does not know my H knows, and we are definitely praying about how to go about telling the OM's W at some point. I feel horrible when I see her, and she is such a wonderful person. He is a trainer and she is used to him training women.. all the more reason for her to know his habits.

Also, my H and I have talked about moving. Maybe we should talk more about it. If my H says do it, I will be MORE than happy to. I feel such a knife when I even have to see their cars.

I can't imagine what it does to my H.

Dear runawaypot,

I too have just joined (only a few days ago). I am FWW still in the fog very much.

It has been 3 months since I broke off contact and the withdrawal is hard as others have shared.

I started off working for OM.Like you, thought nothing could happen.. After all we were Christians..

Realised that was the enemy making me feel too comfortable and ended up changing my 'beliefs' to justify the affair.

I got from OM what I needed and wanted at the time, attention, flattery, many words of love and care... plus passionate phys...

I am ashamed. I have a husband who cares and loves and forgives me, yet withdrawal is heavy on me at the moment.

I am bordering on still wanting to contact him just to ask WHY?? WHY me and how could you say so many words of love and passion to me, then just 'switch off'?

I know he is moving soon, out of the area but please don't 'bash me' all of you out there, but part of me is feeling worse because I DON'T WANT HIM TO GO..

You may have seen on my other posts that i started a thread called ESCAPISM. This is what I still want to do. ESCAPE.

I feel myself WEAKENING...

I do hope you will find strength to go on. I know GOD is there for us, but are we willing to accept it?

Kas

You hit is so right on the target. I want to know why. Why did you pick me? Why could you seem so caring, loving, passionate, and then shut off so easily? That almost hurts more than ending it. Feeling so discarded so easily. And yet how my H must feel. He too is a wonderful man. He is struggling with anger towards me. I understand.

I wrote on your other thread about ESCAPISM, and just wanted you to know you are the one that gave me courage to write in today. Last contact was only over a day ago. Last physical contact was about two weeks ago. I feel so sick over all I have done, but was able to do.

Hi Runawaypot,

1 Corinthians 10:13 says:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you considered telling the OM's W? That sure would help keep the OM from waving so much when he drives by your house... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Broken Vessel, do not weaken to the point of contact. I am saying this humbly because I am THERE too. We need to help each other, because we will come out of the fog. When we do, if we have gone back to the OM, we will see much more damage done and ask why we could risk so much?

I am speaking to myself because the OM's approval is so hard to let go of. The need to see if it could still be there is strong. I do understand. hold out and Hold on. You are not alone.

Broken Vessel, do not weaken to the point of contact. I am saying this humbly because I am THERE too. We need to help each other, because we will come out of the fog. When we do, if we have gone back to the OM, we will see much more damage done and ask why we could risk so much?

I am speaking to myself because the OM's approval is so hard to let go of. The need to see if it could still be there is strong. I do understand. hold out and Hold on. You are not alone.

To Rebuilding in Faith 90,

Yes, my BS and I would like to tell his W. We are just trying to figure out the how, when, etc. The OM will do what he could to undermine what I say. I am convinced he might be successful because he has those abilities as he did with me. I also believe she already suspects, but both my H and I think he might wiggle his way out. Any advice?

RAP and others,

I know you are wondering WHY? Your OM could just walk away, and the answer is very likely "practice". He has done this before, he got what he wanted, sex, and he can move on.

But, if you are interested in maintaining your marriage, you need to realize that the person who has a really large WHY? to ask is your H. He has been hit by an emotional truck, and he is wondering WHY you did it? Why you worry about losing OM when he is the one lying in the street, and OM has driven off?

You are NOT unique in these feelings, but you need to step back and get some perspective on this. Part of your WHY is that you used the OM just as he used you. Not a pretty picture, but true.

Please step back and work on this perspective. You need to admit that YOU chose this, YOU agreed to do it, it was something YOU wanted. You also have to face that your marriage meant much less, and by definition so did your H. These are not pretty things, but they are the reality.

As you face these realities, the "fog" will lift and so will the withdrawals. It is an indication of the essence of the "fog" that you still focus more on the man you lost and should have never been with, than you do the man that loves you, is deeply hurt and who you may lose as well. It is normal, and it is NOT "logical", but you need to work through this and stepping back and starting to look at this from your H's perspective or even a stranger's perspective will help you get through withdrawal faster.

This can be done, but it is very very hard.

God Bless,

JL