I am so thrilled! My M is getting better all the time. Yes, I was the WW, but I stumbled up on the truth: The key to this M working was in my hands. I had many reasons to be angry and frustrated with my M, but I was the one who walked away from my H and my kids to do this horrible thing. I tried to justify it in my own mind for a long time. Wandered around in the fog for a time. Do I love him, do I not, has too much damage been done, can I ever trust him again????? All these questions. My H wanted it all to work, he was trying to change, but it really took off when I just decided to stop following my feelings and do what was right. I had strayed, now it was my responsibility to make things right. I started doing all the things that I did when I was dating my H. Well, eventually the sparks came back. Then, so did the love.

As I stated in my other post that so many people replied to > "our love wasn't gone, it was broken! " It just needed to be fixed. The fog was telling me that our love was gone, that there was no hope, he would never change....... I'm so glad that I didn't listen to that junk.

We're movin' up!!! Had a romantic weekend this last week. Wow! It was better than I remembered it ever being before.

The reason I'm putting this on the board is because I read so many WWs that sound so hopeless, they really do believe that there's no way it can work.
I'm telling you it can! I believe YOU hold most of the keys to making your M work.

Dear movin on. Thanks again.

You did the first thread that got me going on here, when you started off by saying :"I am living proof that you can though this"

The reason I'm putting this on the board is because I read so many WWs that sound so hopeless, they really do believe that there's no way it can work.

Thanks> Need to hear thisevery day. Will try and do my best to hang in therewith NC

Kas

Thank you so much. I just got off the phone with my husband who is still talking with the OW. I was just about to give up and just leave or go to plan B because it does look like there is no hope. He truly believes that this OW is not the problem and we weren't meant to be.

He says he is not confused. That he knows what he wants. I really want to thank you again for what you wrote. It gave me hope at one of the lowest days since DDay.

Dear movin' on:

I am so beyond even comprehending what you are saying. After D-day (Dec. 18, 2003) there was a period of time that I continued to see OMM before NC started on Feb. 2, 2004. At the beginning of NC and the first few months my M was on a pink cloud. I felt 'in love' again w/H, at least that is what I had been trying to convince myself for the past few months. As time has been going by the space between H & I has quadrupled and there has been NO communication regarding our relationship or the direction we are heading and there has been no talk whatsoever of the A. And I mean NONE. I tried so hard to re-connect w/H but emotionally we are nowhere near parallel. I am ready to pour my heart out to him, he is very cerebral and matter-of-fact.

Things have not been good. We have been pal-ing around, laughing together, going thru the motions sexually and fighting an awful lot. We can't seem to agree on anything. The issues we had pre-A are now even more prevalent. These issues are really serious issues that can break apart our marriage if we can never resolve them. I have needs he can't and won't fill. He has needs that I can't seem to fill (not sure if it is that I won't, because I am very resentful that he isn't budging on mine.)

It is getting to the point that I am seriously considering suggesting that we end this marriage. This makes me sad beyond anything words can describe because we have 11 years together and so much history, so many memories. It's a very very tough and sad situation for me right now. I cling desperately at straws of hope, but right now it feels so hopeless.

My biggest problem w/H is that he treats me like a child. He is controlling and oftimes very condescending. He is very sweet to me and it's only when I show signs of independence or expressing my NEEDS and WANTS that he becomes so demeaning. It's almost as if my independence scares him. SOmetimes he is like Jeckyll & Hyde, I swear!
Now when we met, I was very immature, scared and naive. Our relationship was one of adult/child. He was much more stable and mature and basically my 'knight in shining armor'. In the past few years I have changed so much for the better(with the exception of the hideous, horrible AFFAIR) careerwise, socially, and maturing into an independent smart woman. The dynamics of our relationship has changed. H seems resentful of my developments (and naturally the A), I am resentful that he is so controlling and won't budge on things we don't agree on.

As far as H is concerned, every issue in our lives revolves around money. Everything always comes back to money. H has his own business, and he is doing pretty damn well. I just recently paid off all my debt (credit cards, student loans, etc.) and am now in the process of refueling my retirement (I'm 34) and socking money away into my savings. We are better off than most couples our age that I know of. However, H is always using finances as an excuse for every thing I ask from him. From a vacation, to having a child, everything is always we can't afford it. I am 34 and he is 43. I don't want my child bearing years to pass me by b/c he is worried that having a child will bankrupt us.

I had to go visit my family for a week in another state alone last month because H decided he didn't want to go. And he b*tched at me for spending the money on going (we had planned in Feb to go together).

I know I am not the model wife, and I know that I betrayed him in the worst way, and I also know that I have contributed a lot to the problems in our M. I know that I play a huge part in what is wrong here. But I feel like my love bank is EMPTY and that we are just drifting farther and farther apart.

Now the worst thing of all. Because I am unhappy, I have been having fantasies of OMM. I need to admit this out in the open because it scares me how easily I can slip back into the crazy fog thinking because of my unhappiness.

I know I'm all over the place, but I had a lot to let out. I haven't been around here in a while and your post just hit me so hard because I feel like you are speaking a foreign language and all I wish for is the hope that what you are describing can be a reality.

thanks,
mrsx

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 06:30 PM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>

Sorry in advance for this thread jack!!!

((((Mrs X))))

I'm practically in tears but since I'm sitting in my office at work I'm fighting them off.

Have you suggested that the two of you need counseling. My guess is yes an he's refused.

I used to be like your H. I put all of my self worth in my work persona and how successful I was at an early age. (back when I was in my 20's and 30's and was in the top 10% of income earners)

Finally realized I was hiding behind that. Guess it took the W's affair to have everything come crumbling sown around my ears.

Are you good at setting boundaries? He's so used to the role of adult/child it's almost impossible to break out of it. Try to set some boundaries.

"H we need to talk! Because of the way that I'm being treated I think ......"

Again sorry for the thread jack!!!

cwmac

BTW movin' on:

Sorry that I rained on your parade. I know that you are sharing your happiness, and I want you to know that besides envying the heck out of you, I am also very very thrilled to hear of your success! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

mrsx

mrsx... it's ok. I hear where you are and I hurt for you. I'm sorry for the problems you're going through. I was just sharing how for me, I found the key to the problem with my M. With my M it was all about my feelings. I was following my feelings and I was so asleep to the truth. And they lied to me!! They were telling me to do the very things that would've destroyed me and my family. I acted on what I knew to be right instead of the feelings! That was the key for me. That's what did it. That's when everything began to turn around.

When I began to show my H affection and love again, he responded immediately. He was like a rocket taking off. I didn't think he could turn around his behavior, but I was so wrong! When he saw that there was something to hang on to (me being back w/ him emotionally), he turned completely around.

movin on,

thanks for sharing so much lately. i am one of those WWs that have felt no hope, it is the worst and so destructive. I am trying to hang on to my faith now, your posts help immensly.

mrsx, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. you know by some of my posts how much i am struggling too. some days are better, some days are not. i am trying my best to keep the good days more visible in my conciousness. my prayers are with you.