I just learned that my boyfriend of seven years had a brief affair during some really tough times a few years ago. I vividly remember this person being an issue back then, but trusted his words. Supposedly the affair stopped when we started working on things again, but they continued their friendship secretly (phone, gym, etc.) Through these few years I have caught him in lies regarding her, although he always said "they were just friends." Now that I know the truth, I feel betrayed because not only have they continued their friendship behind my back, but he empowered her by bringing her and her friends around me in the "just friends" mode. He ultimately came out with the truth, but continues to go to the gym during the same time she works out. Three years ago, he worked out in the mornings when this happened and once it stopped, he started working out in the evenings. Two months before I found out this truth, he started back in the mornings. He says he doesn't even talk to her and has cut off all communication, but has told me she has attempted to talk to him. I'm not comfortable AT ALL with him at the gym the same time she is. I work out in the evenings and he says that time doesn't fit with his schedule anymore. He thinks his efforts to not talk to her should be all I need, but it is not. He can go to the gym 23 other hours of the day, but won't. I feel a total disregard for my feelings and he just says, "I'm not stopping going to the gym in the morning, period! Get over it." After all the lies and betrayal, him just avoiding her at the gym is not enough right now. I don't want him to see her at all, or give her the chance to try to talk to him. Please Help!

What this shows you...


I just learned that my boyfriend of seven years had a brief affair during some really tough times a few years ago.

Your boyfriend cannot be relied upon during the tough times in life.

I vividly remember this person being an issue back then, but trusted his words.

Your BF can lie to you and make it seem bellievable. He is an accomplished liar.

Supposedly the affair stopped when we started working on things again, but they continued their friendship secretly (phone, gym, etc.)

Your BF is not committed to YOUR relationship enough to give up the pleasure he gets by hanging out with other women.

Through these few years I have caught him in lies regarding her, although he always said "they were just friends."

Again, your BF is a habitual and accomplished liar.

Now that I know the truth, I feel betrayed because not only have they continued their friendship behind my back, but he empowered her by bringing her and her friends around me in the "just friends" mode.

From your BF's perspective, getting what he wants ~has been and continues to be~ more important than the relationship he has with you.

He ultimately came out with the truth, but continues to go to the gym during the same time she works out.

He disregards what is good for the relationship if he wants something else.

He says he doesn't even talk to her and has cut off all communication, but has told me she has attempted to talk to him.

And, why do you insist on believing a habitual and accomplished liar?

He thinks his efforts to not talk to her should be all I need, but it is not.

His needs supercede your discomfort. Your needs are a lower priority in his world. This has been true in the past and this will be true in the future.

He can go to the gym 23 other hours of the day, but won't.

Because you matter less to him than what he wants.

I feel a total disregard for my feelings and he just says, "I'm not stopping going to the gym in the morning, period! Get over it."

This is who he is.

Selfish.
Uncaring.
Unable to be in a relationship where he might have to sacrifice something he wants.

After all the lies and betrayal, him just avoiding her at the gym is not enough right now.

He may be lying to you now ... lets not forget his great skill at lying and deceiving you.

I don't want him to see her at all, or give her the chance to try to talk to him. Please Help!

Is this the man you want to be the father of your children?

Is this a man you could trust to take care of you if you are sick?

Is this guy a fixer-upper or a keeper?

Do you actually think this guy is good enough for you?

Pep

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 05:03 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hi He isn't helping.

I am new myself, but I do have a response. i am a ww that has only had NC for a couple of days. No physical contact for a couple of weeks. The gym thing hit close to home because that is where my A started. I have now stopped going to that gym. When I really wasn't ready to have NC, I kept going to that gym and told my H that I was avoiding the OM. I wasn't. That is where I saw him and spent most of my time with him. Your boyfriend is not being honest with you. It is not over for him. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I am only speaking from my own attatchment. Stay here and you will get good advice from the people that have been a lot longer than myself. Blessings.

Hello, Pepperband. Thank you so much for your response. You have taken the words out of my mouth. I haven't figured out how to use this forum yet, so I hope you get this message. I need some directions. Anyway, he has always had a selfish personality, not just over this issue. It is a trait I'm not used to living with. Loving someone to me means "being happy making them happy." I have been doing this for six years and just don't get the reciprocation. Your responses hit home. Hope to hear from you.

I agree with what the two previous posts said. Your boyfriend must put your relationship and your needs above his right now. No contact, nothing remotely close to contact. If you boyfriend was serious he would do what it takes to reassure you and take every step necessary to rebuild your trust and change himself so that this never happens again. He is taking the OPPOSITE actions.

More agreement here...
Your boyfriend is lying to you, he is not prioritizing your feelings or your relationship.

Here's the good news, he is your boyfriend... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

This is going to sound harsh, but I would seriously consider reconsidering the commitment that you have made to each other. It appears that one of you looks as this as a commitment and one as a "casual" dating relationship (him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) and one of you looks at this as long term (you <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ).

Do you live together? Are there children involved? Do you own property together?

Those are issues that complicate the relationship, but I just don't see why you would continue to live with the deisrespect that he is showing you.

Just my thoughts, hope I did not offend you, Ladysing

I agree with everyone's comments. Without getting into all the details, he holds on to the fact that we were "technically" broken up, although we never stopped talking about the relationship or having sex. We had some very rough times and were "broken up" but as I said, it was not a clean break. I, of course, remained faithful, as I know how hurt he would have been. He holds on to the "we were broken up" issue and therefore, in his mind, somewhat justifys his behavior. Nevertheless, he has ended the friendship and ignors her at the gym. I know this is true, as there have been confrontations with him supporting me and other confirmations from other gymgoers. She has attempted twice to talk to him, while not in my presence, but hasn't tried since then. He thinks this is enough and I need to "get over it." We have been going to counseling, but the counselor is not encouraging him to stop going when she is there. As a matter of fact, she refers to me trying to be controlling. Go figure! Anyway, Is is too much for me to expect him not to go when she is there? It just hurts.

Your feelings should be important enough that he take them into consideration and do what needs to be done to make you feel safe.

I'm not sure if you have any children or live together, but it sounds like you'd be better off finding someone who has the ability to care for YOU. Life is hard enough and relationships are hard enough when both parties are trying. You've already got this major hurdle (him cheating) to overcome.

I know it is hard to let someone go, but maybe it would be better for you.

I've suffered through my h cheating on me and you know what??? It is horrible. But no matter what he will always be in my life because we have children together. If you do not have kids with him, you can cut free and try to find someone who has the same values in a relationship that you do. JMHO.

GOod luck to you. Easy for me to say, but if I were you, and there weren't kids involved, ADIOS amigo. You'll find someone better. Again, easy for me to say, and it is just my opinion.

Of course, you need to do what is right for you, and maybe that starts with figuring out if you want to try to make the relationship work or if this wound is too deep. Hard one, I know.

Thanks, weezy. There are no kids involved. I have a son from a previous marriage. Your words are well spoken. It seems to be the same advice from everyone. He should be putting my feelings first. What is so messed up is that he truly thinks that he is making a grand effort because he holds on to "we were broken up" and is still cutting back from the gym to three days a week and completely ignoring her and being rude to her by not even acknowledging her presence, and by going to counseling. But I don't want him near her!!!! Thanks.

HUH? You say you were technically broken up but sleeping together and talking about your relationship? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

That's not broken up in my book...

As I previously asked, are you living together, children, property?

My problem with this is that you have been together for years, are not married, were sleeping together, were broken up (so his sleeping with someone else was not technically cheating...) Does this seem like a commitment that you really want to continue?

The gym issue is really not the biggie to me at this point. It's the idea that your feelings are not important enough for him to change something that he does on a regular basis. He KNOWS that it bothers you and he tells you to get over it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'd do some serious re-thinking of this relationship if I were you.

Ladysing, thanks for your reply. No children together, no property, not anything. His lack of consideration for my feelings is what brought me here. I am at a turning point for this relationship, as I am tired of this. I am rethinking everything every day that goes by. I love him very much and want this to work. No matter how hard he feels he is trying (and he truly is regarding everything else)it just isnt cutting it. I feel like he wants to keep doing what he wants in spite of my feelings when it comes to the gym.....but then go to counseling and work on every other aspect. It is like he just wants to sweep the fact that she is there under the rug. Even the counselor frustrates me, as she addresses me as trying to "control" him, and that I need to work on moving forward and stop making "her" the issue. I agree 100% with moving forward and forgiving, but it is a slap in my face when he goes to the gym while she is there. I agree with you about the "technical" break up. As far as I am concerned, he flat out cheated on me, but he swears that isn't the case and that as soon as we "officially" got back together, he ended their "sessions". But as I said, she is a friend to many of his other friends and has been around for the last three years, so I am just not comfortable with him being around her at all. His selfishness and lack of consideration after all these years is a clear sign to where this relationship is headed. I also have seeked out a new counselor, one that is more aggressive with telling us what needs to happen. It seems like she just won't tell him what needs to be done. She dances around things. What really stinks is this. He is the kind of man that never would have gone to a counselor. He never believed they did any good. So the fact that he wanted to go was great!!!! I saw light at the end of my tunnel. Now he holds on to everything she says and she isn't giving the best advice in my opinion. He keeps saying "the counselor says we need to let go of the past and move forward" Yes, dear, I agree, but STOP SEEING HER EVERYDAY AT THE GYM, and maybe we can start moving forward. When I asked to seek out another counselor, his reply was, you'r just not getting your way. I know deep in my heart what has to happen. I don't want to fight much longer for someone to put my feelings first at a time like this. I'm almost afraid that if the counselor told him to stop at this point...it might not matter because, I have cried, *****ed, talked until I was blue in the face about the hurt. I want someone to do what is right naturally for me, and not be coerced by me and everyone else to do the right thing. What do I do when he truly believes he is realllllly trying?

Ladysing, one more thing...Yes, we are living together. What is so funny is that as long as we have been together, we only moved in together about 1 month before I found all this out. Ironic, huh?

The unwilling boyfriend wants to be heard. He says he is trying to change his schedule at the gym when he can. He says that I need to state to everyone that if he can go an hour later, he does. Or if he can go later in the day he does, but his schedule just will not permit sometimes and that I need to realize he is trying. Here is my problem...I don't want him there AT ALL when she is there. Is this too much to ask? It hurts to much. If he has to go in the morning at that certain time, why not pick another gym. There is a spin cycling class he takes at 6pm every Tues and Thur that she takes sometimes as well. But because he feels he has altered his schedule "when he can" that this should be enough and I am asking for too much. Am I? They offer the class in the evenings too, but he says he has other things he is doing and his "schedule doesn't permit it" Am I being too hard on him? I just don't feel good in my heart right now when he leaves to go and I know she is there. Even if he is making such a large effort (in his eyes). How do I get him to understand? Maybe I'm expected too much.

HIH, well, I guess you have your answer there. He isn't willing to put himself out to protect you or repair the damage he caused.

At least you know WHO he is BEFORE you get married, ie: someone who lies to you, cheats on you and then makes you feel like a jerk for asking him to stop. Sounds like great marriage material to me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I only think its sad that we live in a country where women aren't free to choose their husbands. Imagine, we might even choose one that was honest and faithful and respectful. Silly wishful thinking.......................