I had an affair for 18 months with a man I knew back in the summer after high school.

I had always loved him and remembered him fondly.

We reconnected through classmates.com, and eventually started seeing each other. It was a bit of a long distance relationship.

Anyway, the affair went on, and my love grew for him, before I fell completely back in love with him, I asked him to give me some time, to sort things out, as I wasn't sure if I wanted to disrupt 2 lives, 2 marriages, etc. He swore to me that he loved me, that he loved me above all others, and that if his wife found out, he would leave her to choose me. Well, his wife found out, and, (you got it) he dropped me and stayed with her.
This happened 8 weeks ago, and every day, I think about it, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it, I cannot seem to "let go" in my mind.
I'm confused as to why he was not up front with me to begin with, as he always told me "You are not just my lover, but my best friend"
He does not have a clue as to how badly I am hurting. I wish he would havd just said, up front, I am happy in my marriage, but let's be friends.
I know I did wrong, but sometimes, when you love someone deeply enough, your common sense leaves, and your heart takes over.
(PS The wife he is married to is his 4th wife, he married when he was 21 or 22, and he is 51 now.
Can someone please give me some advice on how to let go and forget this guy?

Tx,

Just a few more questions to get a clearer picture. How long have you been married? Any children? Has your H found out? How far apart are you and the OM? Tell us just a little bit more about the background with you.

jojo, welcome to marriage builders. I hope that we can help.

There are many things I could say here, but I will leave the 2X4's out for now. Please understand that what most people have to say will not be criticism, but a sincere effort to help you through this difficult time and an sincere effort to help you save your marriage. It might not be what you want to hear, but it won't necessarily be criticism either.

You asked how to let go and forget this guy. Welp, I'm sure you know that there is no easy answer to that.

I have no doubt that you loved this guy and those feelings were real. I think the first step for you to think about though is that those feelings grew out of something that was a lie, was deceitful, and something that destroys people's lives, including you and this man's. Yes, we DO understand that the two of you are hurt by this too.

Have you read though any of the main site? It might be useful for you to read how Harley describes an affair as an addiction. It might be useful to read that no matter how unique you feel your situation is, most affairs, betrayed spouses and wayward spouses go through almost the same thing. We're talking that they do the same actions, say the same exact things, etc. It's really quite eerie. It may not help your actual feelings, but it may help you take a step back and gain a different perspective on things.

What's recommended here is that you have absolutely NO CONTACT with this other man, and that you are completely honest and open with your husband about what happened. Read about no contact letters and the policy of radical honesty. When I say no contact, I mean no contact. No visits, no phone, no text messaging, no emails, no IM's, no snooping around this man's email (if you know his password), no asking mutual friends about him, etc. What this accomplishes is two-fold. It shows a desire to REBUILD your marriage to your husband, it shows him you're serious and that you are making every effort to make sure this won't happen again. Other reasons, but this is the short version <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> What it also does is...when there is no contact, your love for this other man will eventually dwindle and then disappear. This takes TIME..it does not happen over night. Read through site..it can give you some general timelines and some feelings you can expect..both from yourself and your husband. It will not be easy. You'll miss this other man...and you'll also start to see how your actions affect others. You'll feel guilty. All of these things can cause you to try and get in touch with him. But you musn't or you'll be back to square one--not only in the damage to your marriage, but in the effort it will take to get over this man.

Please please read through the site as no one will be able to list everything here. hopefully some formerly wayward wives will chime in to help you through this.

PS It might also be useful to view the statistics on relationships that started as affairs....very grim.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jojo1932:
Can someone please give me some advice on how to let go and forget this guy?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you here to marriage Build?

Are you interested in falling in love with your husband?

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LovingWifeInTexas:
<strong> Just a few more questions to get a clearer picture. How long have you been married? Any children? Has your H found out? How far apart are you and the OM? Tell us just a little bit more about the background with you. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jojo1932:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LovingWifeInTexas:
<strong> Just a few more questions to get a clearer picture. How long have you been married? Any children? Has your H found out? How far apart are you and the OM? Tell us just a little bit more about the background with you. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been married for 27-1/2 years, 2 grown daughters, H does not know, OM lives in NJ