I read, quite disencouragingly, that WW are less likely to return to a marriage than WH.

Is that true? What are the experiences of other MB posters?

I feel like I am watching a train speed towards a collapsed bridge in my own life. WW is deep in A with OM.

I am worried about the same thing. I know many of them have a change of heart, but it can take a while. I think WW get more attached to OP than WH's do.

FamilyMan,
Sorry something happened and I double posted.

See below

sorry, cwmac

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 06:10 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 1Family Man:
<strong> I read, quite disencouragingly, that WW are less likely to return to a marriage than WH.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know if its true, but isn't it also true that women are more likely to forgive a cheating spouse than men, which would explain such a disparity? Anyone know for sure?

Is there any hope? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

FamilyMan,
Great question. I know there are stats to support it but don't know where to tewll you to look.

From my reading and from my experience, I would definitely agree.

I believe that married women are far more likely to be dissatisfied with their marriage than are married men prior to entering into the affair.

Married men tend to tell their APs that they are dissatisfied but alot of times this is pure exaggeration/lie so that they can seem empathetic to their female AP.

In my case both of these observations played out. My W sought the companionship of a former friend. She shared her disappointment and utter frustration with our marriage. I was aware that there were issues but not too that extent.

On the other hand the OM's W had no clue that there were any issues at all. Her H had never once mentioned any issues/ concerns with her. In hearing the affair story it sounded as though he did exagerate his marriage issues.

Maybe it's the difference in the way men & women communicate. Women will tell you about your shortcomings men tend to expect women to pick up on it based upon the hint given (usually anger).

I have also seen stats that suggest that it is more likely for male BSs to walk away from their female WSs than the other way around. Part of it is that we are not financially tied to the spouse (except of course in the state of California where male BS are tied financially due to alimony and child support, lol)

The other reason is that society treats a married male's affair differently than a married woman's. Look at the movies & TV. Married men are almost expected to have affairs while married women are only recently being portrayed as being capable of such activity. There is even a humiliating name for a man whose wife cheats on him. The word has come to mean a man who enjoys that but the origin is just the general term.


just a few thoughts,

cwmac

there is definately hope. All the stories that I have heard from people I know had the WW make an effort to reconcile at some point. Even in situations that sound horrible. But what I hear happens a lot of the time is the male BS moves on before the WW comes to her senses.

Family,
I also think that once the affair is discovered. The FWW is more concerned that the underlying marriage issues need to change or at least be addressed before they will fully invest back in the marriage.

cwmac

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by juke1225:
<strong> there is definately hope. All the stories that I have heard from people I know had the WW make an effort to reconcile at some point. Even in situations that sound horrible. But what I hear happens a lot of the time is the male BS moves on before the WW comes to her senses. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WW has been gone since 10/1/2003 and has made NO attempt to reconcile. She says she does not want to go to any sort of counselling because she doesn't want a counsellor to tell her she is wrong.

Tony

Seems like the only WW that ever return are the ones having an A with a married man.

My own WW has a fantasy with an internet Lover, with one time PA. Now, looking to divorce and move to Vegas with money and kids.

He is single. lives in old vegas, works in casino I think.

I think I am in a different position too.Not only is my WH still involved with the single homewrecker almost 9 months later(although it is sporadic),I am a BS(woman)intitiating a D.

My WH is still living in Fantasy land and has not had to live with the homewrecker and see all her bad habitis and what she is willing to put up with,much of what would scare away many women.They live on stolen moments/weekends here and there and e-mails and cell phone calls.Reality at it's best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I wonder if the homewrecker will mind WH having to spend time with his kids on those two weekends a month.Every other moment he is at work or sleeping.And he is about to be poor after the D.Quite a catch but she deserves it.GRRRRRR.Now she can lay awake at night and wonder if he is going to cheat on her too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

O

1FM,

I can only speak for myself and my M... My W had multiple A's with single guys during our first three years of M...

It took her almost 10 years to finally feel enough remorse and sorry and come clean and tell me everything...

It's been 4 years since she confessed all of her past A's... it took me about 2 years to process all of my hurt, anger, humilliation, and pain... and for me to learn to love and cherish my W again...

I can honestly say that I rarely dwell on the A's anymore. Our M is better now, than either of us ever thought it could be... it has been a long, hard road for both of us.

I haven't forgotten any of the pain or hurt from the past, but I have moved past it and now would rather put my energies into building my W up, rather than tearing her down. Of course I couldn't do this if she hadn't consistantly showed me that she was trustworthy this whole time..., which she has.

So in my case as a male BS, my W never left the M, but we didn't start rebuilding the M until I learned how to deal with my pain and anger in a godly manner. Thus allowing her to feel safe enough to truly open up to me and allow us to start rebuilding...

You can't change your W... you can only change yourself. This, in itself, isn't nearly as easy as it sounds... like I said, it took me about 2 years to finally realize this... Once I did, our rebuilding really took off and it hasn't stopped.

Hang in there and never give up...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Seems like the only WW that ever return are the ones having an A with a married man.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">not true, i was involved with a single OM, i am now working on the marriage. i also met the guy on the internet. i never fell in love with him though, even if i had divorced, i would not have wanted to have a long term relationship with that person. the fact is, i was not looking to love anyone. i was looking to not hurt so much due to feeling so unloved/lonley in the marriage.

rebuilding in faith 90, what a nice story, thanks for sharing.

Getting back to "is that true" re WWs not returning to their marriages.

OM called it off. He was what they call I think a "double life" man. Happily married but could "compartmentalise" an A.

I returned to my M because I had no other option apart from being on my own. I never left my H by the way. I'm talking about returning emotionally. So my H had the dubious pleasure of being second choice.

We have worked and worked and worked. I knew my love for my H was "hidden" not gone and I was going to get it back whatever it took.

Looking back, if I had gone with OM I estimate it would have lasted a couple of months at most.

Jenny

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KiwiJ:
<strong>...So my H had the dubious pleasure of being second choice.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am there right now. My W’s A was with an old BF (a married one of course) that she claims is her soul mate and love of her life (OM claims the same). I told my W I guess I am nothing more than a consolation prize, a lifetime supply of Rice-A-Roni!

Zippy, my A was old with old b/f.

I thought I'd "refound" the love of my life.

That is not true. The love of my life is the man who has stood by me through thick and thin, is the father of my children, loves me more than I deserve to be loved.

I'm on quite a high at the moment because I can now see things clearly at last. Don't ask me how it happened - some of it has to do with what I've read here ie another WW saying her A was "unique." Something clicked with me and I could see that I still thought deep down that my A WAS unique. IT WASN'T. OM was playing me for the fool I was.

Hang in there, Zippy. My H said he was going to fight for me with every ounce of his being. Can't quite see the other guy doing that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Jenny

maybe the statistics say so,,, but overall alot of marriages survive infidelity. My wife cried from the day i confronted her to the day I moved back in,, I really do not know to this day who was in more pain, me or her. My wife got fogged over by a unemployed con man,, I allways think how could she have had a 2 month PA with such a man of low character and morals,,, not to mention hes the thrashed out type,,, you know body piercings,, tattoos,, wife even told me his genitals are pierced,,, geeeeshhh,,, I guess I have to be glad that it did not happen with prince charming,, and I came home to a Dear Jon letter. I have recovered so much in the last 2 and a half months, but there is allways the thought,,, that My wife was physically attracted to this guy,,, call it the secret desire to be with the bad boy.... I hear it is pretty common for a woman to have the Bad Boy syndrome!!

Eric- My wife is with the same kind of loser. No job, no morals, tattoos, etc. The total opposite of me and what she is supposedly attracted to. Yeah, that is one good thing I guess that this jerk is total scum. Gauranteed problems down the road IMO. She left me, moved her stuff mostly out, living with the jerk. Been 1 month now, maybe 2 is the ticket? Was your wife talking divorce?

That's gender stereotyping in action.

Men supposedly are more likely to have affair just for the sex.

While women are more likely to have affairs for emotional reasons.

As for women being more forgiving than men that is a bit deceptive. Women are more likely to remain in marriage upon discovering an affair than men but that is often due to economic reasons. Take away the disproportionate number of stay at home moms that can't exit as quickly as a working husband and I bet the numbers get pretty close to 50/50. And I suspect the difference between the two pretty much can be accounted for male pride and female expectations (men are stereotyped as more likely to stray so its not as much as a shock and previous generations of women had an even higher percentage of SAHMs so odds are there were more female role models of mothers accepting WHs back than the in reverse)

So if you are guy I wouldn't be counting on your wife being anymore forgiving than a BH even if she is more likely to remain compared to a man.

Juke,,, no my wife ended her affair as soon as I found out,,,when she wouldnt come clean after seeing the undisputable evidence I told her I was leaving her,,, a few days of separation and she gave me all I wanted to hear about her A, including some much not needed details. She has done nothing but try to get me back with her.. this past friday I began to move some of my things back,,, as far as OM he was arrested 6/11/04 for violation of protective order,, not my wife,, his ex wife filed the charges. He was on probation,, so he now has warrant for probation violation his warrant should be served this week. Heres the kicker he will be locked up in a correctional center that I just so happen to be the Captain Of Operations at,,, LOL this is going to be some sweet payback, think ill have him stripped searched everytime he enters or leaves his housing area. He will have to do 90 days flat for the prob violation,, I told my wife about it she said "good I hope he is scared to death in there,,,I hate him" So I have an interesting confrontation with OM awaiting me very soon.