I have been married for over 15 years. My wife had a brief emotional affair with my best friend. My wife and I were with my best friend and his family quite often. Our children are very close.

I discover the affair the same day that they first met in private. Since then the affair has ended and my wife and I are very much in love. My friend made the decision to stay with his wife. After that decision was made my wife decided to stay with me.

I have several issues addressed that will help me bring closure to the affair and the future with my wife. I am having a hard time resolving the issues in my mind. They are as follows:

1. Should we try to rebuild our relationship with my best friend and his wife? Our children ask about getting together with them quite often.

2. My wife called him while I was at work to help her bring some closure. Should I have a right to have been with her when she called him?

3. Should I have been a part of that phone conversation?

4. He apologized the night that the affair came out in the open. I saw it as an apology that he was taking my wife and told me that he loved me like a brother. Now that it is over between them should I expect him to ask me to forgive him and to aplogize that it even happened and for what he has put me through and admit that it was wrong?

5. My wife kept a diary during the emotional week between the time I became aware of their feelings and the day that it ended (June 1). Do I have a right to see the diary?

6. My wife and friend told each other that they loved each other. Should I expect my wife to retract that statement to him? She had no problem telling me that she was not in love with me.

7. Should I expect my wife to remove all reminders of him in our life? For example his sweatshirt that we still have.

In my opinion
1 NO!
2 She should not have called him and Yes you should have been there.
3 same
4 The man is scum! Do you care what he thinks?
5 Yes, only cheaters have things to hide.
6 She should never speak to him again, therefore no retraction is necessary.
7 YES! YES! YES.

Once again with ,some small differences I'm in your shoes, these are just my opinion.
good luck
Rich

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 1. Should we try to rebuild our relationship with my best friend and his wife? Our children ask about getting together with them quite often.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is completely up to you. Not your wife....but you. My answer would be no. I've seen where people remain friends after something like this...though I'm not quite sure how they've done it. IMHO it just leaves the door open for the EA to begin again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 2. My wife called him while I was at work to help her bring some closure. Should I have a right to have been with her when she called him? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What was her reasoning behind calling him while you were at work? You most certainly had a right to be there and listen and have input in that conversation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 4. He apologized the night that the affair came out in the open. I saw it as an apology that he was taking my wife and told me that he loved me like a brother. Now that it is over between them should I expect him to ask me to forgive him and to aplogize that it even happened and for what he has put me through and admit that it was wrong? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wouldn't expect anything from him. If he loved you like a brother none of this would have happened in the first place. If you don't plan on having even a casual friendship with him anymore then I wouldn't bother talking to him it all or asking him for anything. You never really will know if it's sincere.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 5. My wife kept a diary during the emotional week between the time I became aware of their feelings and the day that it ended (June 1). Do I have a right to see the diary?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't really have a RIGHT to see it....but she should be willing to let you see it if you would like too.
Being where she is right now....she may not be comfortable enough yet to let you read it. She may be afraid of your reactions to reading it right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">6. My wife and friend told each other that they loved each other. Should I expect my wife to retract that statement to him? She had no problem telling me that she was not in love with me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You should ask your wife to write a No Contact letter and let the friend know that way.
Your wife should let you read the letter before it's sent off.....not hand delivered.
Any contact whatsoever at this point is like taking a step backward.
90% of WS's have no problem telling their W/H that they don't love them. Mine didn't either.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 7. Should I expect my wife to remove all reminders of him in our life? For example his sweatshirt that we still have. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not really what you should expect....but what your wife is willing to do to rebuild your marriage.

If you don't want a relationship with this friend anymore...then it shouldn't happen. If you don't want any reminders of him in your home anymore...then they shouldn't be there.

As the BS you need to remember not to be demanding though....it needs to be a decision made by the both of you...talked about by the both of you. No selfish demands or ultimatums.

As the WS...and wanting to rebuild your marriage your W should be willing to do these things for you as they are things that will help you heal.

Dear Hustle,
I have been more or less in your situation as the OW was my best friend and she and her H were our friends.
I would say NO - no more contact. Draw the line. I have tried to maintain contact but seeing my H and the OW together, however harmless it is now, just triggers too much for me to be comfortable. And that's what friendship should be about; feeling comfortable and safe around each other.
Rebuilding trust takes a lot of time and effort, seeing your wife together with this friend and not knowing if this will make the "phase" of falling in love between them pass or make it stronger can't be a good situation.

1. Should we try to rebuild our relationship with my best friend and his wife? Our children ask about getting together with them quite often.

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I personally don't think so. I'm in a similar situation & when my daughter asks for the OW I just ignore her. She's only 2 though, I'm not sure what to tell an older child. Also, I was curious if the A was revealed to your friend's wife as well? How does she feel? If not, I think it should be.


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2. My wife called him while I was at work to help her bring some closure. Should I have a right to have been with her when she called him?
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Yes! Any contact between them should be approved by you first.

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4. He apologized the night that the affair came out in the open. I saw it as an apology that he was taking my wife and told me that he loved me like a brother. Now that it is over between them should I expect him to ask me to forgive him and to aplogize that it even happened and for what he has put me through and admit that it was wrong?
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You can expect it, but I wouldn't take it to heart. A brother would NEVER do what he has done.

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5. My wife kept a diary during the emotional week between the time I became aware of their feelings and the day that it ended (June 1). Do I have a right to see the diary?

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Of course you have a right to see it, but try not to take everything in it too seriously. An A is usually just a fantasy life. It's not REAL.


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6. My wife and friend told each other that they loved each other. Should I expect my wife to retract that statement to him? She had no problem telling me that she was not in love with me.

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Yes! I think all WS don't have a problem telling the BS they are not in love with them. They don't even know what real love is. So again, don't take it to heart.

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7. Should I expect my wife to remove all reminders of him in our life? For example his sweatshirt that we still have.
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Yes, if she has any intentions of rebuilding your marriage.