Hi Cw I also need to log out, H will be home soon and I need to do some post shinding cleanup in a hurry. Aren't we being good? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I can't answer for Hope, I don't believe we've ever cross posted even. You would need to address her directly probably.

Cw, the whole point is as much good as we do here on board there may come a time when it needs to take a backseat to real life. Your wife is asking this of you now.

You seem afraid to commit to this idea but look at it this way, what have you got to lose? Don't you want to find out how great it could be? Don't you want to be really happy with her again? I never thought H and I would recover and I never thought I'd feel the way about him the way I do now. Never!

We still have problems but they're not marriage breaking problems you know? So, my life's not perfect but it's the life I've got and thanks mostly to this site I can make the marriage part better. I just want this for you too, Cw. I want you to be happy with your wife. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> KB

cwmac - you have completely misinterpreted what I wrote. I decided to no longer post to you because of your obvious defensiveness to even the slightest proposal that YOU are not totally in the right about all of this. Quite honestly I am embarassed for your wife that you would even post this. I'm sure she's thrilled for you to have gotten 'backup' from your crew rather than POJA'd.

After you misinterpreted my exit as being pissy or whatever I was so overwhelmed by your disrespect and anger that felt even more strongly about leaving this alone - because it's most definatly NOT my problem, nor my fault that you are so angry. My tone, or whatever you perceived, had NOTHING to do with when or if you posted to me. I was HONESTLY OFFENDED by what you posted to Eric. I have that right, you know? To disagree with you?? If I'm not mistaken you don't own the rights to that.

I did post because I cared - it's the ONLY damn reason I hang around these boards, thank you very much. Oh, and you CAN take that as pissy - because I'm more than offended by you at this point.

The love for your wife just drips from your posts.

My exit - once more - is because I feel I have nothing to offer you. Just wanted to clarify your misinterpretation. So sorry you didn't think I cared - at this point, I don't.

<small>[ June 17, 2004, 08:52 PM: Message edited by: hope4future ]</small>

Hope,
OK...truce. Hope it's not too late.

First of all it's my lunch so I think I'm legal to be here.

You said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The love for your wife just drips from your posts.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry but I have days when I want recovery to proceed post haste and other days when I just don't know. I'm still a bit paranoid that I'm the booby prize (I'm sure you'd agree). That she's settling for me. They had the "soulmate" thing going on. He, however, set the boundary that he wasn't going to divorce due to "the kids." Once she discovered that I think she was afraid.

She claims all of this is in the past. Fog or not she was ready to divorce me & marry him. She also told me that she's been unhappy almost all of our marriage, again no surprise.

Actions speak louder than words as you know. Her actions today tell me that she is happier than pre-A but that still doesn't mean she loves me.

So how do I get over the feeling that I'm second best and that deep in her heart she wishes that it would have worked out with her a "soulmate boy"?

Should I just realize that this will always be a doubt that's there and if I can live with it great but if not contact the attorneys? Probably can't live with it.

People always say that time will take care of it but I disagree.

cwmac

CW, glad you're back. Thought maybe you'd disappeared for ever.

Interestingly enough, this is just what I asked you on the post I deleted. I asked if you thought she was just staying because it is the "right" thing to do. I told you me and your w are extremely alike.

When I first decided to stay I stayed because I had no other option. I didn't want to be on my own and OM had made it clear he wasn't an option. H found it too painful to even deal with that he was "second choice."

Over the next couple of months I was staying because I wanted to, because I could feel the feelings coming back.

Next couple of months I was staying because I love my H. And that's where we are now. I'm probably going to have thoughts about OM till I die but I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM.

I KNOW time is going to take care of this. I know that I thought I had "fallen out of love" with my H but I hadn't. It is just such a crock of sh** what us FWW's tell ourselves.

If you can't get over it I don't know what you should do. H is just so glad I'm happy, I can tell him I love him and mean it, that I want to spend time with him - it's all he wants and it makes him happy.

Jenny

PS I should have been struck by lightning when I asked what I had to show for my age. OMG, I'm so lucky and should count my blessings daily.

<small>[ June 18, 2004, 03:45 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cwmac:
<strong> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry but I have days when I want recovery to proceed post haste and other days when I just don't know. I'm still a bit paranoid that I'm the booby prize (I'm sure you'd agree). That she's settling for me. They had the "soulmate" thing going on.

Actions speak louder than words as you know. Her actions today tell me that she is happier than pre-A but that still doesn't mean she loves me.

So how do I get over the feeling that I'm second best and that deep in her heart she wishes that it would have worked out with her a "soulmate boy"?cwmac </strong>[/QUOTE]

Cw, My H was in your exact same postion. He worried I was "settling." H is a handsome, accomplished man in his own right but OM was a movie star quality head turner and younger to boot. (Also the biggest a**h*le on the planet.)

H claims I said we were "soulmates" but I don't remember that at all. I know OM said we were but I still had enough brains left even at the time to realize that wasn't true. Even if I HAD thought that at the time, it still wouldn't be true!

You know, there is always going to be someone smarter, better looking, richer, funnier, sexier, whatever than us. Once we realize that and also realize that we don't NEED to be all those things in order to be loved by our spouse, the recovery process gets a major boost. Love without reservation and let yourself be loved back. Actions do speak louder than words on both sides of the equation.

Because OM is the one who put up the barriers and not your wife, you probably feel like it was a negative. I dont see it that way. I believe in Providence.

We have four children. They love their home, neighborhod, school and all that stuff. For us to split up would have meant smaller homes, new neighborhoods and possibly new schools because the cost of homes is so high here. In the begining as much as we wanted recovery, there was this niggling idea that we were trapped because of the kids.

One day I realized that rather than being a negative, the very fact that our options were limited because of our concern for the kids, actually was a PLUS for our recovery. It was less a question of settling but an golden opportunity to work it out.

If OM had not had the boundries he did, yeah she could/might have left you. Providentialy, he did have boundries and here you are today. What might have happened, didn't. Consider it a gift.

This morning I was laying in bed while H was getting ready for work. I thought about all the sadness I see here on board and impulsivly said, "I'm so glad we're married." He came out of the bathroom and looked at me and said "Oh Honey, that is so sweet, me too!" It's maybe a little thing in a marriage that has not been touched by infidelity but a major moment in a marriage that has been through so much.

I NEVER would have envisioned us saying that to each other two years ago! I cannot believe how far we've come. I AM grateful and happy. I'll just bet that there are times where your wife feels the very same way. Her actions show this, Cw.

MB concepts help us to be the best spouse we can be. We don't need to be in competition with old BFs or GFs or OPs of any sort. You should sit down and have a heart to heart with your wife, I'll bet HER heart will just melt. She does not want you to feel second best and I doubt very much at this point that she sees you this way.

You can't be truly happy with her until you are truly happy with yourself. Comparing yourself to that piece of dirt she hooked up with is not going to make you (or her by default)feel happy. It's pointless anyway, the creep is old news, history.

Does any of this hit home with you Cw? I get the feeling that maybe the problem is not so much you and her but some things inside of you. You are a good man and deserving of happiness. It is possible especially with your wife at your side.

Have that talk, spill your guts and you may be very pleasantly surprised that you were all wrong about what she is thinking. You won't know unless you try. Best, KB

Kiwi & Kewbetter,
Thanks for the responses. I'll try to take a more posative approach.

cwmac

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Attaboy!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have gotten addicted to this board as well and my H has expressed concern. I now try to post only in the morning. That seems to work fairly well.

It really doesn't matter if you help others or not. What matters is that your W has concerns. POJA says that her concerns need to be addressed to her satisfaction, and whether you help others or whether the time spent is minimal or not are not really relevant.

I haven't really helped others so much as they have helped me. And I do feel really helped by this board. After a while, friends and family simply don't understand how an affair could have been so traumatic -- especially when I revealed years of abuse (including a broken arm for threatening to call OW) on D-day. Here, on this board, people understand the trauma.

That still leaves POJA.

:::After a while, friends and family simply don't understand how an affair could have been so traumatic

Anyname, trying to post this for Cherished's morning 'fix'! Anyhoo, Amen to the above. In fact I prolly should post a new thread to see how others are coping with the friends and family thingy. Everything changes.

cwmac, I haven't followed too much of your personal details (I hear a sigh of relief!) but how are things with you and your wife now? How or where are you at with recovery? 450mgs of Wellbutrin is a high dose - so I'm thinking you are still pretty sore yeah? Just curious...

cwmac, I would have a hard time if my husband were obsessing on an internet board. Any internet board. I do think MB kinda sticks you in recovery. Hard to move past the affair if you are all day thinking about affairs.

I haven't been here before the last week in almost a year. I can tell you it has reverted recovery some. I am *thinking* about the A more than I have in 9m(I am the BS)

It is great that there are people here to share their experiences, but, your wife is asking you to stop. She wants to move on, not stay in the thick of being obsessed with it. Respect her wishes!!!

There was a board that I visited that was about parenting. it was an offshoot of an infertility board. I spent alot of time there. H asked me to stop because he felt I was still stuck in infertility things. I never went back. It was not doing anything really positive or negative for my life but I respected his wishes. No skin off my nose

Concentrate on your real life. Not the internet. The internet can be a tangled web. Maybe she feels you are crossing the line and having an emotional affair with this site? I would not be thrilled if my husband spent alot of time here talking about us. I would not be thrilled at all. I would move on to mad, and then betrayed if he kept it up after I asked him to cut it out.

Go to bed with your wife and read a book. Ask her to stay up later with you. I used to go to bed earlier than H and I would swear this was a huge reason he felt so alone. I stay up now. I am more tired, but he and I go to bed together every night. We worked out he comes to bed earlier(11pm) and I go to bed later. POJA.

I think you are putting your needs above hers on this one. This place is addictive like a soap opera. Almost like you are filling your need to be a knight in shining armour here.

This isn't an attack. This is how I would view it if you were my H

cwmac: I just wanted to weigh in with my 2 cents. I too have got much from many of your responses. In particular, I enjoyed the Tempted Woman thread though can't say there was anything there that truly or more specifically helped my W and I in our recovery.

Re: This site! This will probably be one of those negotiated areas with your W. Use it to work through your issues. Tell her what you need her to do to meet your needs. Inquire how you can better fill hers. Not everyday, but at the right moment. Think of this as a doorway to communication. Not everybody uses every door in the house, but it's nice to have when you don't feel like walking all the way around the house to get in. (Yeah, I know that was a cheesy analogy, but hey, you get what you paid for and it was only 2 cents.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks cwmac, for being here,
RH

cw..I'm going to bump this thread up because I totally missed it when you originally posted it. You have been a tremendous help to me. KY brought up an excellent point when she mentioned how you seem to understand and are able to help the WW's here as much as the BS's. That still amazes me.

I have found one thing to be true. There are different classes of ws's. There are the predators and there are those that are preyed upon. I take total responsibility for my actions but I still hold true to one thing, OM knew my weaknesses and took advantage of them. He knew all the right things to say and he knew that I was an emotional wreck when we first started out. If he had cared at all about me he would not have played me.

Rest assured of this, I know where to draw the line now with the opposite sex. And by God's grace I hope to never find myself vulnerable to that extent again in this lifetime. I'm sure that your W feels the same way. She has an awesome h???