Hi, I'm new here. I'm 50 years old and have come to a point in my life where I question everything. About 5 years ago, my husband of 26 years had an affair with my best friend (ex best friend). He was an elder in our church and we were both very active in our church. The OW also attended our church. The last 5 years have been a living hell. I wanted to divorce my husband after I found out about the affair, but I feel I was pressured by him and the church to forgive and "forget". I have always felt that my husband has the idea that the affair was MY fault not OUR fault. I felt I owed it to my kids (and grandkids) to try to stay in this marriage. So........I stayed and God knows I have tried. But there still is not a day that goes by that I don't think of the hurt and betrayal and the pictures of him and her together. I'm bitter. VERY bitter and the resentment just keeps growing. Husband tells me he loves me and I think he really does, but the trust (and respect) has been broken and is I think impossible to get back. He has been very successful in his business and we own a gorgeous home and nice things and I should be the happiest woman around, but I'm miserable. I say and do what everyone else expects me to say and do and I've lost all sense of who I am. I have tried so hard to conquer this mess, but I can't do it. I have always prided myself in the fact that I take good care of myself and take the time to keep my hair nice and makeup on and dressed well. Everyone tells me I look 20 years younger than I really am. I've always known that this is important to my husband. But I have the same needs. It's important that my husband be clean and takes care of himself. But.........he goes for sometimes days without shaving. I have begged him to not do that and it doesn't seem to get through to him. He REFUSES to brush his teeth in the morning. He rolls out of bed with HORRID morning breath and starts pouring down the coffee on top of the offensive morning breath. Sometimes the smell makes me gag. The other night we were having sex, and he belched right in my ear and a few minutes later belched in my face and I'm supposed to be sexually turned on?????? It hurts me to think that I'm not more important to him than this. He says he loves me. He says he wants to fulfill my needs and yada yada. But I feel like he thinks all he has to do is go buy me something and that saves HIM from having to do anything. So.......here I sit. 50 years old....he had an affair that I'm just supposed to "get over" his hygiene and manners are horrid and I'm wondering why I'm here. I'm an accomplished musician and have put all my dreams aside for kids and his career and now I feel such a deep sadness and loss. I feel like I'm dying and God I'm sooooooo tired. I feel like a caged lion. I'm not the sort of person to post on the internet, but guess I just really needed to vent. Thanks to any of you who took the time to read this.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Sounds like you never worked through the pain, instead just let it be swept under the rug. It is very necessary to get all of your questions answered after an A, and have a plan to work on the marriage.

Did that happen?

Welcome.

Have you expressed your concerns to him? Have you attempted to communicate your dissatifaction with the status quo?

Please locate the emotional needs questionaire on this site and print out two copies - one for you and one for him.

How did the affair end? Did he show any regret or remorse? Is your ex-best friend still around?

<small>[ June 15, 2004, 05:15 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

How come you can't pursue your musical interest now? How can you be happy if you are not doing what means so much to you?

Do you think your husband might be depressed? It's been my experience that depressed people don't take good care of themselves. I don't blame you that would turn me off too. That is gross.

I completed the EN & LB questionaires just in case I am ever with someone else again & I am going to make them do the same, before I get serious with them. (if he runs like hell, then I'll know, he ain't the one)

Check them out (the questionaires), they are great. I never ever would have thought of it myself, and yet I think it is the only way to let someone know what you want and need in a way that they will get it. They can take it and read it at their leisure, then the seed will be planted. (does that make sense)

Weaver

Hello crsp,

Welcome to MB.

I think 5 years passing and you are still bitter( and a living hell) says a lot about how things are going in your marriage and also what believer said about how you both handled the after effects of the A.Obviously things have not resolved and heaped upon that are other issues or needs that are not being addressed.

Has your FWH(former wayward husband) given you cause to feel untrusting of him still? Can he account for his whereabouts all the time? Have you considered counseling? How did the A end by the way? Who ended it?
Where is this OW now? Is she still going to the same church?

O

May God bless you and I will put you on my prayer list. My WH is Trustee and I the Financial Secretary. I too felt intense pressure to "forgive and forget" after mine confessed in church and asked forgiveness from the congregation. Everyone thought he was sooo brave. Had he not gone in front of the church and confessed what he had done, I would not have considered taking him back. I still struggle with it very intensly. I have many days that I am fine and others I feel like crap. I hesitate to discuss this issue with church family because I feel like they think I haven't "let it go". My H's A has been much more recent than your 5 years ago, but I know exactly what you are going through. When my WH moved back in, I resented EVERYTHING that he did (dirty laundry, dirty dishes, feet on the couch, not flushing twice, real stupid stuff). I still struggle and I don't anticipate it to let up for a long time. My H also has REALLY bad breath sometimes (something to do with the plaque under the gum line)and it turns my stomach. I try so hard to make my words gifts(Ephesians 4:29) when I tell him that he needs to brush or floss or whatever will give me relief but he gets so offended. He began to smoke when I tossed him out and that just compounds the problem. He wants to know why it concerns me if I don't see him when he does it and I try to explain to him that it hurts because we are supposed to be one body (Mark 10:8) and when one part of the body rebels against the other, the body is dis-eased. We have been married 10 1/2 years and been through more than I have could even begin to type in one evening. I hurt for you so much. I wish I had more words of wisdom but the only thing I can offer is a symapthetic sister in christ shoulder and lots of prayer. About your musical gift, God has given you a talent and to not use it is to deny God's gift(Romans 12:6-8). My daughter is a concert pianist and loves to play praise and worship music. This is when she feels closest to God...and people love to listen to her when she doesn't realize people are around...she is praising God and it flows through to people around her....so play your music and I think you will be surprised at the doors it will open for your spiritually.
Biblically, we have grounds for divorce. I cannot babysit my WH so I will never know if he is messing around unless he slips up again. Trust is a huge issue for me and I wish I could just "get over it". I pray every night that God will help me sort out these yucky feelings. My WH and I try and pray together every night and I do not candy coat it just because he is there. That is my time with God too and I will not ask for something that is not heart felt just because he is sitting there with me (like our marriage to be restored)...I just pray that His will be done and pray for discernment to know when Satan is on his little tyraids, and wisdom to know how to get through this. Please continue to visit the MB, because I would like to know you are doing okay and if you have any revelations, maybe I can get a few pointers on "getting on with my life". Phillipian 4:4-7....God bless you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />