Have any of you managed to remain friends with old "friends" who knew and even helped your WS carry on their A?

I'm in this situation because my H's work colleague and our friend became the confidant to my H during his A. My H told him about his 'play mate' because this guy was cheating on his wife too and I presume he was considered someone who would not disapprove of my H cheating.

He DID advise my H not to get involved with someone who lived so close but offered to go with my H to a bar, where lots of similar girls can be easily picked up by aging men, with fat wallets.

This "friend" was used as an alibi when needed and also came to our flat to remove photographs of H and OW from the study and computer after our plans changed for me to return here with H unexpectedly.

I had previously considered this guy along with his wife, our friends. What type of friend behaves like this? He knew we'd been a very happy couple and married for 30 yrs - and apparently he was amused by my H's behavior and probably interested in hearing the details (which my H supplied him with). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

How am I meant to treat this guy now? I don't know anyone that I could have told I was cheating on my H, that wouldn't have given me an ear full for being a total low life.

What constitutes a friend?

This may be the exception, rather than the norm, but my wife and OUR best friend of many years are still good friends after it was revealed that he knew about and turned a blind eye to my A with OW. I think the reason is that we both know with little doubt that this friend would have done exactly the same thing had it been my wife having the A, instead.

My wife and I have been in that situation in which we were aware of an A in progress and chose to say nothing to the BS. It is difficult to feel like you may become the sole cause of a marital catastophy by opening up your mouth. Our friend felt the same thing and my wife chose not to hold this against him. Bottom line is that ALL the responsibility for the trials and tribulations in our marraige belong to my wife and I, not all of our marital friends and aquaintances.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by anyname:
[QB]

I had previously considered this guy along with his wife, our friends. What type of friend behaves like this? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Friends don't help friends destroy themselves and their families. Friends don't help friends destroy their wives behind their backs so you can't call him a "friend."

If you are jumping off a cliff, a real "friend" will try and stop you. An enemy will drive you to the cliff. This guy drove your H to the cliff, so he can't be called a friend.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How am I meant to treat this guy now? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Like the rattlesnake he is?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kinther:
<strong> It is difficult to feel like you may become the sole cause of a marital catastophy by opening up your mouth. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But wouldn't the sole cause of the catastrophe be the adultery? If your friend's bookkeeper was embezzling money from him would you not tell him for fear of being the sole cause of the catastrophe?

Or would the real catastrophe be the embezzlement and your exposure was really a good thing, in that it allowed your friend to protect himself from harm?

A real friend tells his friend the hard things, especially when he is being destroyed behind his back. A coward who doesnt care about his friend will sit silently by and say nothing while his friend is being destroyed.

That is no friend, that is an ENEMY.

<small>[ June 16, 2004, 07:05 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

I have a similar situation,,, my wifes whole affair was set in motion by her best friend and myself by being blinded by false trust, anyways her best friend was the one who asked her to go out to her little hangout and told me not to worry its harmless,, well turns out that wifes best friend was having multiple affairs,, several different men. Wife told me that she saw her best friend having affairs and was a great influence in my wifes inability to reject the OM. In other words it was only a matter of time before my wife followed suit of best friend. I have told my wifes best friend that not only did I contribute to my wifes affair by letting her go out with her, but she would have to accept that she contributed to my wifes affair by exposing her to her lifestyle,,, I told her "Look if you want to go out and cheat all over your husband because it gets you off thats fine,, but you didnt have to lie to me and tell me that your lifestyle was harmless and you were totally faithful" I then followed that up by saying "Dont let me call your husband who trusts you the same as I did my wife and tell him about all of the affairs you have had",, In my case wifes BF was a great influence and as a result it has ended their friendship and shaken my family to the point of catastrophe. So yes I do hold my wifes BF partly responsible,, just as I hold myself responsible, and my wife responsible. Wife can no longer have a girls night out or even go to her best friends house anymore. Just remember why you hold them partially responsible,, a friend will protect a friend,they are not going to tell the BS.

:::A coward who doesnt care about his friend will sit silently by and say nothing while his friend is being destroyed.

ML, this is how I feel too. In fact, I will go so far as to say, this "friend" was jealous of my H's previously excellent reputation - my H was considered to be a really nice guy. I think it gave the "friend" a kick to see my H sink into the dirt with him.

Eric: I agree with you totally. I feel this guy, was a very bad influence on my H. He always talked in a very smutty way, and was a sleaz of the first order. I know I can't blame this guy for the A, but I feel that the Bible is right about "bad associations spoil useful habits". I just have this feeling that we were doing great until my H started spending so much time this this jerk!

In our previous location, my H was best friends to a guy who was recovering from an A. The guy was very repentant and there was NO smut discussed in that friendship. My H was always very sorry for him and tried to be supportive and encouraging.

Kinther: This guy didn't just turn a blind eye to what my H was doing. Even when my H told him that he wanted to stop the A because he felt he'd sunk so low, the guy told him not to be so hard on himself. If anything, he encouraged my H in his A. I think that's unforgivable.

My wife's "best friend" set up the whole affair by calling me and asking if my wife could go on a cruise. She told me and I quote " You are the most confident man I know. I promise I will take care of her for you." As I waited in the airport to pick them both up , her friend was the last passenger to leave the airplane and barely looked at me. It was obvious in retrospect why not. After DD I found out that this best friend was letting my WW use her email address to contact the OM. I am told that she is virtually inseparable from my wife at this point. BTW her best friend is divorced and 3 years ago broke up with a truly wonderful man. She has almost constantly talked about how that might have been the biggest mistake she ever made. I am not a violent man but just thinking of her makes my blood boil.

Have any of you managed to remain friends with old "friends" who knew and even helped your WS carry on their A?
You "knew" about this friends A. Have you told his wife? How would you expect her to act towards you?

He knew we'd been a very happy couple
Well, SOMETHING must have been wrong for him to have an affair. You "friend" didn't "talk" him into it.

I don't know anyone that I could have told I was cheating on my H, that wouldn't have given me an ear full for being a total low life.
Sure, you could have told this guy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What constitutes a friend?
A TRUE friend will tell you when you a f'ing up, even if it hurts. They won't egg you on to do something that is wrong.

::::::Have any of you managed to remain friends with old "friends" who knew and even helped your WS carry on their A? You "knew" about this friends A. *************Have you told his wife? How would you expect her to act towards you?****************

Dear Chris, Good point! (could discuss this at length as I know another lovely woman who is being cheated on and I don't know what to do about it!!!) I didn't know about the friends A. It all came out a few months later, after d-day, when I constantly said to my H I couldn't believe he'd do something like that on his own. (I know him pretty well after 35 yrs together, and I thought I knew his limitations and it was really hard for me to see him doing what he did) Eventually H told me all about our "friends" involvement in his A. It almost seemed like the friend held his hand thru it. Firstly that he had told my H about his A just prior to my H receiving a seductive letter from a pretty young woman, half my H's age. My H told his friend about the letter straight away. Look, we live in Asia and pretty young women are every where and they commonly hit on aging men for freedom from poverty. Domestic maids imported from the Philipines, Thailand, Indonesia et al, are virtually slaves in this part of the world (I'm not kidding, it's criminal) - and there are 230,000 of them in the city alone (average age is 25). They are referrred to by western men as LBFM's. (little brown *&^%$# machines). It's a prevailing mind set amongst western men. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I didn't have to tell the friend's wife, as she discovered the A for herself quite soon after I found out about it.

:::He knew we'd been a very happy couple
Well, SOMETHING must have been wrong for him to have an affair. You "friend" didn't "talk" him into it.

No, he didn't twist my H's arm, if that's what you mean. There was something wrong with our M and my H that he would go from being the wonderful family man to running around with a "maid" (they are thought of as prostitutes), half his age. I had not considered infidelity in our marriage although I knew it was rife in this part of the world. Ater living here many years we had problems that required us spending a lot of time apart. So we were commuting to see each other quite a lot. (mother dying of cancer was one of the problems). H did not initiate unfaithfulness, but when he received the letter from a large breasted, 26 yo girl, I think the association with his friend, and the local mind set of aging western men having access to very young poor asian girls, made my H think that he could try out this girl, reasoning to himself that she had come on to him. (knowing my H, he wasn't the type that could have started it - you'd have to know him to understand what I mean by that)

So, yes, blame the state of the marriage - and I concede that I was foolish to agree to us living apart. There were a lot of things happening at the time and having to move away again (3rd time in 11 yrs to ASia) but I was trying to deal with other family problems that one of us had to sort out.


::::I don't know anyone that I could have told I was cheating on my H, that wouldn't have given me an ear full for being a total low life.
Sure, you could have told this guy.

Funny you should mention that. I thought the same thing as I was going to sleep last nite. Not just that, but that guy would have slept with me if I'd suggested it. I know that for a fact. He used to come on to me quite a lot.

I think A's are like cancer. Often there is not one thing that causes cancer. It's a combination of factors. I know that in our previous location my H would not have had an A. We were together all the time, he'd have never found the time. And also he was in good company - where A's were uncommon and H was not really that way inclined anyway - he was a real family man and always used to say how much he loved his life. ALWAYS said that.