My W’s EA is with her first BF, from HS. They both claim to be “soul mates”, “The only true love”. They write as though life is just meaningless if they are not together, however they let 15 years slip by. If all of that is true WHY do they (W & OM) not leave their respective families and go and share this “perfect love”. Instead they want it all.

They want everything there is to have, Kids (6 total of both sides), Home, Family/Society Support, everything except for their S. Why not give up the “problem spouse” and “problem kids” and live in their wonderland? I put everything on the line to save the M because I believe in it with all my heart. So if they (W & OM) believe what they write why not put it all on the line?

I am a FWW and though our situation is different maybe I can give you some insight into how the Mothership takes up and changes us.

My name is Carol but for the months I was in the A I was the "Anti-Carol". Totally opposite of how I am. I was selfish, wanted it all. I didn't feel as if the OM was my soulmate but I did feel that if we hooked up it would have been perfect. I questioned my marriage, afterall I had been married for 10 years without any problems and now the OM comes into my life and I was wondering, "Gee, maybe these past 10 years were a waste?"

It's all fog talk. I was doing something horribly wrong and I was trying to justify my feelings. I think that's what's going on with your wife, she's living in a dream world. Oh it's all so romantic and stuff, until reality slaps you in the head. Then you realize the ugliness of it all.

Your wife sounds like she's been abducted by the Mothership. I am sure others can give you better advise on how to handle it. I'm just telling you what I see by comparing it to my situation. I think once reality hits her behind the head she will come to her senses.

God Bless,
Carol

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by chackler:
<strong>Your wife sounds like she's been abducted by the Mothership. I am sure others can give you better advise on how to handle it. I'm just telling you what I see by comparing it to my situation. I think once reality hits her behind the head she will come to her senses.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks chackler/Carol. I don't know if she will ever "come to her senses". She is both stubborn and a runner. This make for a hard person to reach. However, she is going with me to MC. So who knows, there is still hope.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If all of that is true WHY do they (W & OM) not leave their respective families and go and share this “perfect love”. Instead they want it all. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Zippy,

You said it yourself--they want it all. Having an affair is a result of the moral decay of thinking you can choose everything.

If it came to sacrifice--in other words, if people had to give up their kids (or everyday life with their kids) to get their egos fed or their needs met, they wouldn't do it, of course.

Yep, you want your cake and eat it too. In fact, I told the OM that one day at lunch. I asked him why he was with me. He said he was being selfish, “Wants his cake…”. Then of course he asked me the same thing. I sat there for a second, and then the same words came out of my mouth. At the time it didn’t bother me to say that but now, I am ashamed. But at that time I thought I was a liberal person, people just don’t understand such deep relationships, yadda yadda yadda… Anything to convince myself that what I was doing wasn’t wrong.

I was in such a deep fog but my sin kept convicting me thank goodness. Towards the end of the A I wanted out but it was just so damned addicting. My husband found out and that ended it right then and there, which was my way out. I wish I would have had the decency to tell him before he found out but I just couldn’t.

Maybe your WW doesn’t want to leave you and your home because she knows deep down inside she would be making a HUGE mistake? Instead of facing that choice maybe she has convinced herself that she can have two lives? I don’t know, just guessing.

Carol, my WW is currently the anti- version of herself. Thank you for your insight.

What kind of reality slapped you on the side of your particular head and made you realize how ugly it all was? How did you overcome all the pride, hurt feelings, and fear of facing people who knew you'd done wrong, and decide to come back to your husband?

GC

It really wasn’t one incident per say that slapped me, it was more like I was put on a rack and slowly someone was stretching me to my limits.

At first it was all “innocent” flirting and I was flattered that someone after all these years remembered me and looked me up. OM and I use to work together and we were smoking buddies. I always knew he liked me but I never went anywhere with it when we worked together.

Then he hunts me up and flatters me. I was impressed where he was in life – works at JPL/NASA, had lots, did lots and couple that with my low self esteem and his flattery and it was a time bomb.

I knew I was doing wrong when I thought to myself one day that I could never show my husband the e-mails we sent back and forth. They were full of innuendo and I couldn’t dare share that with my hubby. First of all, he would be hurt and then second of all, he would kill my good time!!! Heaven forbid!!!

Then I started changing into the Anti-Carol. I didn’t notice it myself but EVERYBODY at work was asking me what was wrong and hubby started asking me. But it wasn’t me that had the problem – oh no, it was everybody else! Of course the only one to understand me was the OM because, though I never felt he was my soul mate per say, I definitely felt like we were meant to be together at some point in time and this was just bad timing. Oh gosh, then my husband was too “clingy”, too “nosey”, too “everything”. Blech, I hate thinking about it now…

Then I started questioning my marriage and that’s when I knew I was in huge trouble and wanted out of the A. I knew this man was using me, sure he liked me but let’s face facts, he was looking for someone to, well you know…

Then we had our last meeting, 3/29/04 and we kissed for the first time and I knew, I just knew that was going way beyond anything I had ever imagined. Sure I imagined having sex with him but I always told him “no” but that day we kissed. So then if we kissed once that could lead to a lot heavier stuff and then, wammo – we would be in the sack. I knew I didn’t want that; I did and didn’t. The main thing that stopped me was that I knew that would devastate my husband but even more, it would ruin me; I mean ruin.

I never left my husband, mentally I did – he said I left him for three months and I was just a shell. I never left my home. Hubby found out about everything one night and that night he sent OM a very explicit though polite no contact e-mail to all his e-mail addy’s and he blocked them at home and I blocked them at work. We cried all night long, I threw up all night long, ugh – it was the worst day ever, and strangely the best.

You see, my husband rescued me from a devastating situation that I was not strong enough to rescue myself. That’s why I think it was the best night of my life; Anti-Carol was given the boot and Carol could come home.

I had no pride at the time but I was indeed selfish. If you know me, you know that I am the most giving person around. It terrifies me now to think that I have that potential to be that callous. I don’t ever want to see that side of me again.

God has forgiven me, husband has forgiven me and I am learning to forgive myself. I have told some what has happened and they haven’t condemned me but they didn’t condone my behavior either. I have some good friends.

My husband, oh man my husband. I have married the greatest man. He never ONCE belittled me, yelled at me, berated me, nothing. In the end, that’s why I consider myself rescued, he’s my hero. I realized that before but then after it all hit the fan, I KNEW it, in my heart, body, soul. This man that I am married to is my soul mate, the other man was / is nothing compared to my husband.

I still have withdrawals but it’s not as bad as it use to be. I wish I could contact OM sometimes to say hi but I will not hurt my hubby again just to say hi to some guy who was willing to ruin me just to sleep with me. Nope, no way…

So after writing all this stuff, did I even answer your question? I think I did – I hope I did. If you have any more to ask let me know – I am willing to share. I skipped some detail so this wouldn't be too long.

CHack

Hi. Won't take over your thread, but I just had to say thanks to chackler. Hearing other WW stories helps me. Very well written. I have a wonderful H too, and when this "fog" about the OM lifts, I hope to see as clearly as you do. I do not in any way love the OM, I just miss him or the fantasy. Anyway, I admire you chackler!

Oh...just some info on me if needed.

WW(me)35
BS37
First DDay 3/17/04
Second DDay 6/01/04
EA 11/03-6/04
PA 2/23/04-5/30/04
NC only going on days
3Ds 13, 8, 4 years

RAP--

I know it's terribly hard for you right now, the first couple weeks are rough but you are strong, YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! Just take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, even one minute at a time if you have to. Because if you made it this far, you can make it a whole week, then a whole month, etc... You can do this!!!

I am definitely seeing the anti-W. I have noticed that she is doing almost everything that I did when I was in the fog of addiction to pornography.

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I spent the whole night playing computer games - - Check!</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I spent as much time at work as I could - - Check!</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I avoided REAL interaction with the kids - - Check.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I forgot or procrastinated about things that needed to be done - - Check.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I made excuses not to go to church - - Check.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I thought it was hopeless - - Check.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I can see myself in almost all the "escapes." Except add wine and it would be more accurate. The part I hate the most, except not being able to give my H really what he desires from me(complete love, throwing myself into helping him heal...trying to get there), is not knowing how to be with my kids. I feel so consumed that they are definitely not getting the mom they are used to. I was (not on purpose) neglected as a child, and it is the LAST thing I want for mine. I am slowly walking towards reality, but some days feel like a step back. Some feel like a great step forward. Hold on. It will get better.

Sorry sorry sorry! Posted as my husband again. Have to make sure I stop that. Oops.

Can I scream please?

W PLEASE STOP, YOUR KILLING ME AND THE KIDS! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Scream away!

What's up, did something else happen?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by chackler:
<strong> Scream away!
What's up, did something else happen? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No it's just the emotional rollercoaster. Today I am in the kill the SOB phase of the coaster.

yah, hubby was in that mode for quite a while. He found that he was holding onto the anger because it was holding back all the other emotions he was having. He has a very difficult time expressing himself, frankly he doesn't know how - he's always been very strong and stoic (sp?).

Once he began letting go of that anger and addressing all the other feelings he had he was able to deal with it better.

I'm not telling you to let go of your anger, just saying how it was for the hubby. Man, I have got to get him to come and post to you and ncwalker. You three have so much in common!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by chackler:
<strong> yah, hubby was in that mode for quite a while. He found that he was holding onto the anger because it was holding back all the other emotions he was having.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did a core dump (let all emotions fly) at the last session with the MC. I was just in a funk yesterday. I feel better today. My W even verbally greeted me when I got home yesterday. Sill not a physical (non-sexual) greeting, but it was still a nice boost to the spirit.