Well,,, some of you have followed my situation and know that my wife had a PA for 2 months. You know that I moved out but tried to cope and get my head straight. I have continued contact with my wife and children since I moved out.

I have replied to some Betrayed spouses on this forum who were contemplating having their own affair to ease their pain or get even etc....

I have told them that I would never feel that way even though my wife had hurt me so bad... I would never sink to that level...

Well,, I have done just that!!! I had sex with another woman this past weekend.

I have to be honest I am not that regretful that I done it to my wife and I am surprised on how easily made the decision to do it.

I feel like the only thing I regret is being hipocriticle to other members here.

It happened just like people said it would happen, friend of brothers GF heard my sad story from my brother, she then tells her best friend,(OW) she comes by brothers house and we start to talk, confiding in a total stranger,, but it felt good,, after confirming OW is not in a relationship, and a couple of beers later we are in the sack. Textbook! Still I am very suprised that I was able to return the favor so easy I thought that as much as my wife was on my mind I would never be able to give myself to someone so easy. Wife never crossed my mind at all, if anything I feel like I now see how my wife was able to have sex with someone else without thinking about me. This is weird to me I am shifting from asking how in the world could my wife cheat,, to realizing I done what I did and also went with the flow without a care for my wife. Of corse I tell my wife what I have done,, (she replies "I knew it was going to happen you cannot go 2 months without sex,, that is why I asked you to still come to me for your sexual needs" Well my attempts to have sex with her were futal its not the same trying to have sex with your wife while painful images are in your head of the other man having sex with her. With the OW there was none of this my head was clear only thinking about the moment. Am I any better than my wife? Nope.... but for some reason this has given me piece of mind on how my wife betrayed me,, even though this is the only time I have been unfaithful to her and she was not motivated by my betrayal I still see how she was so weak, like DR.H says we are all capable of it under the right conditions,, I am proof!

Eric..

this is truly just a really sad post...it is so disheartening to read...

And while it may come off as some big judgemental onslaught...it's not..it's an attempt to get you to step back and see the bigger picture....

You took the easy way in my opinion...

touchy feel good contact meaningless sex is easy...
way easy....

I have to be honest I am not that regretful that I done it to my wife and I am surprised on how easily made the decision to do it.


I done it to my wife

Eric...with all honesty...it's not about what you did to your wife...
it's about what you did to yourself...
your beliefs

and it's about what you did to the OP..
you took the easy feel good one night stand..
but in the process you used
her and
yourself...

when in the pain of staring our spouses in our face who are destroying the core beliefs that we hold to dear in our marriage

honesty
fidelity
honoring
etc...
we must take extra precaution to not throw these beleifs to the wind...just because our spouse has....

and the fact that you went and told your wife...leaves me so sad about the respect and care you hold/held for the person you used...just to tell your wife...

Eric....
I hope you can see the damage that you have brought in to the equasion and begin to fix it..

you can not now tell your wife you believe in fidelity when your actions are infidelity..
you can not speak of forsaking others when you don't....

I realize that in such pain it is hard not to reach out...but when that reaching out...is just using someone for other gains..
to appease your pain
to level a playing field..

please please think it through...

ark

I am really saddened to hear that Eric. During the worst times of our marriage, we need to have a leader. If neither of the spouses is willing to continue forward with pride, dignity, and good character - then it is horribly difficult for that couple to pull themselves through the bad times. With no leaders there is only chaos.

I too am sad for you Eric..... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

To actively go out and lose your respect and dignity....knowing full well the outcome of such a choice....is in my Opinion a simple childs game....na na na na na na. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Atruheart

eric:

"friend of brothers GF heard my sad story from my brother, she then tells her best friend,(OW) she comes by brothers house and we start to talk, confiding in a total stranger,, but it felt good,, after confirming OW is not in a relationship, and a couple of beers later we are in the sack. Textbook!"

Is this woman someone you'd want 2 bring home 2 meet your mom? Your kids? ...didn't think so.

Now. What will happen if you become emotionally attached 2 this woman and she hears another sob story and goes and sleeps with that poor BH?...

It's never 2 late 2 live your life the way you want yourself 2 be treated. SF isn't everything. Empty SF isn't anything.

-ol' 2long

eric,

I know exactly how you feel. I did the same in my marriage. While my wife was on again off again with OM, I had an affair of my own.

I didn't set out to have an A, but didn't do much to try and stop it either. She was a friend, we traded emails first, then to phone calls, then to starbucks for coffee, then to...you know the rest.

It sounds wierd but I did learn so much about how my wife had done what she had done. Funny how much clearer my wife's actions became to me. I whole heartedly disagree with the whole "leveling the playing field" but in our case with much help from God our marriage is better than it ever has been.

I just wanted you to know that there are others here that are in or have been in the same boat as you (chorus and calypso come to mind).

Here is a link from my "coming out party"
was a bs now a ws

Tell you wife, hiding it won't solve anything.

I am at work so I can't respond like I want too. If you want to email me let me know.

God Bless,

Doug

edited to fix url

<small>[ June 16, 2004, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

Eric,

My WW is just coming out of a PA as well. I sometimes feel the need to "pay her out." What the heck? She did it to me.

But that is wrong. She did it to herself. She only HURT me. My wife is not a bad person, she is a wonderful person. Not many people we know have knowledge of her sin. I can tell you ALL of them would be stunned to find out what she did.

I have an interesting take on it. Distilled from recent Sunday sermons and my own observations in my situations. It is this:

When we go through life, we think we are protecting ourselves by watching where we are walking, but in the end, we really walk where we are watching.

Yeah. It's hard. I am really guarded with my heart. I watch the wandering eyes. I watch the communication with the opposite sex. Yeah, it is harder after my WWs A. I find myself sometimes "lingering" a bit longer on the young girls where I work and wondering.

I then VEHEMENTLY stop that. As you now know, you will walk where you are watching.

So watch only where you want to go, and you will go there.

From you letter, it didn't seem like you intentionally sought her. You just needed comforting. Exactly what my WW needed. You just didn't see the flags going up. If there is good news, I would say your attachment is not nearly as strong as your Ws. You should be able to shrug it off so you can WATCH you marriage rebuild then walk there.

If you have trouble with the physical needs because your wife is unavailable, well there is a running joke in the army that goes like this. "Let me introduce you to my girlfriend, Palmela Handerson." If you gotta, she is a much better choice than anyone else.

Will pray. Keep the eyes on the prize.

Eric,
I'll go against the crowd and say although regrettable the decision was yours. Maybe you needed to do this to even the score. Maybe now you'll be able to forgive her her transression bc of your guilt. I know how you feel.

cwmac

nc

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When we go through life, we think we are protecting ourselves by watching where we are walking, but in the end, we really walk where we are watching.

Yeah. It's hard. I am really guarded with my heart. I watch the wandering eyes. I watch the communication with the opposite sex. Yeah, it is harder after my WWs A. I find myself sometimes "lingering" a bit longer on the young girls where I work and wondering.

I then VEHEMENTLY stop that. As you now know, you will walk where you are watching.

So watch only where you want to go, and you will go there.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bravo!!!

God bless

oh boy...

I'm the BS....gawd how I wanted to so bad to even up the score, but I feel like after I would even the score.. how will I feel? I would even betray myself, my beleifs.....and I would feel my marriage is empty..and that we all can have just a big orgy and get it over with.. I'm sorry, but that's how I feel.. you might feel guilty because of the pain you felt when you wife slept with someone else.

Well it happened...its done with... now What steps are you taking to rebuild your marriage? Do you feel more motivated since you now understands how your wife did it. please explain..

I posted what I had done knowing fully well it would be scrutinized by MB members. That is why I posted it,, I need to hear the members opinions and thoughts.

I look back on what I done and,,, no I am not sticking my chest out or running and telling people I showed her.

I am in more of shock that I did it so easily when I told myself that I would never put her through what she put me through. I was weak and made the wrong decision to what I believed to be morally and faithfully the right decision.

Yes,,, it is so suprising to me that I have come to realize I hammered my wife so bad for what she had done,, and told her that I could never do it.

Do I love my wife,,,,,YES very much!!!! Do I want to rebuild our marriage,,,,,YES I do.

I didnt have a clue that I would feel like this after what I did,,, but I do. My wife is not perfect,,, niether am I. It feels like there is some resolve to my wondering if she did not love me because of what she did,,, I now know that I didnt do what I did because I dont love my wife, I have no love for the OW. The OW has no love for me,, she acts as though she provided me with a healing measure. She felt like oh you poor thing let me take care of u tonite.

Since this has happened I have been spending all of my time with my wife. My wife doesnt bring my affair up and I have not brought her affair up. My wife has only said to me that she now understands the images i had in my head and that is it. She has not asked details nor has she had any angry outburst at me.

Me and my wife have a full weekend of camping planned. We leave this Friday. I even cut the grass and took care of some of my home duties that had been neglected.

Do I look at this as what needed to happen for us to come to terms with each other,, not really but in all honesty it has happened that way.

My wife is not in shock,,, she has not shed a tear over my affair she has taken the attitude of "ok i did what I did, you did what you did now lets get through this and be a happy family,, lets just put this in the past and work on each other" she has said this to me.

It is all just so strange to me that what has happened has not damaged our marriage further but has given us both relief. I think she really did expect me to do what I did,, and she feels ok its over now he can be mine again,,, That is how she is taking it.
I feel like ok my wife is not the only adulterer I am no better than her, lets just make sure we never hurt each other again. To me it feels like a learning lesson. That is why I am so suprised at the result of my weak decision to betray myself and what I thought I could never do.

I feel like ok my wife is not the only adulterer I am no better than her, lets just make sure we never hurt each other again. To me it feels like a learning lesson. That is why I am so suprised at the result of my weak decision to betray myself and what I thought I could never do.

I just feel so bad for the third person required to learn this lesson...

even with her consent....and caretaking....
what an opportunity you passed on ERIC to show someone the depth and meaning and commitment and fidelity even in the face of opportunity....

I hope you rebuild a marriage..that not only protects you and your wife...but all those potential third parties...

ARK

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi Eric,

I really hope you do not encounter this one. I cheated on my husband while he was in prison. When he got out and I told him and cried remorse. It was over and I was so very sorry for what I did. I begged him not to get me back. He did it, and he got a woman pregnant. We are dealing with a lot more issues because of his infidelity than we did concerning mine. I used protection and he didn't. I also feel angry at him for putting my health at risk. Anyhow we are trying to keep it together however I do not feel like I can deal with a lot of contact with OW concerning OC. If we get the child since OW is a crack addict, OK. But if she keeps child and husband is constantly paying her visits, I will throw in the towel. He now totally regrets what he did.

PS: I am glad yours worked out OK. I wish ours had worked out like that.

<small>[ June 16, 2004, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Eric,
You said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is all just so strange to me that what has happened has not damaged our marriage further but has given us both relief. I think she really did expect me to do what I did,, and she feels ok its over now he can be mine again,,, That is how she is taking it.
I feel like ok my wife is not the only adulterer I am no better than her, lets just make sure we never hurt each other again. To me it feels like a learning lesson. That is why I am so suprised at the result of my weak decision to betray myself and what I thought I could never do.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again I'll be going against the MB convention here and to advocate this to all BS but...

My guess is there still may be some fallout later. Then again maybe not. For your wife your actions may ease her intense feelings of guilt. For you, your actions have now put you and your wife on the same plane. You are no longer morally superior to her.

Also for women ONSs tend to be less damaging than full blown EA/PA. Women tend to say "sex is sex but I can't believe he loved her." They focus on the emotional side.

Men focus on the sex side of the equation more than the emotional. "Who cares if she loved him she had sex with him."

Again I'm sure some MBers out there, especially the religious crowd, will condemn my attitude but oh well.

cwmac

<small>[ June 16, 2004, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Eric N,

OK,  not to be flippant, but Stuff happens (especially at crises times like this).
So, Now you have been there & done that.
Unfortunately, just a fact.

Many a BS wonders what it would be like to do it. Wonder if it will make them feel better or somehow "even the score" so to speak.

Well, you now have your answers to those types of questions.
Did it help? Hurt? neither?  
Did you get out of this what you were after?
 
Probably not. Sounds like the place you are at right now feels very hollow.

With that said, I commend you for telling your wife.  This is a good sign.
Your not being proud of or justified in doing this action is helpful as well.

However, now that you have taken this step, IF it didn't help (other then the short term pleasure or escape) ...Then Just DON'T Do it again!......... Capeesh?

Hopefully, If nothing else you seem to have more empathy and maybe even more understanding about exactly where it is your wife is coming from.
You now identify with the guilt, remorse and regret.
Now that you've walked in her shoes a bit, perhaps this can help the 2 of you reconnect. 

Not encouraging others to run out and do this. 
Just looking for something positive to come out of yet one more poor life choice.

Whatever you do eric, Do Not let this one time thing ruin any chance you have at recovery.
(AS long as it IS a one time thing)!

You did it and you've owned it.  Great beginning.
Now do your best to LEARN and Grow from it.
So What have you learned?
 
Turn this Mistake into an opportunity to reconnect with your wife. 
Indeed, now you can appreciate that Your human and so is she.
Truly, Your hurting and she's hurting.

Do your best to Be there for each other.

Most likely this incident will either be the last nail or a new beggining. Which will it be?
(Cause the choice is STILL up to YOU)).

As hard as it is going to be, keep the beating yourself up, to a minimum.
IT won't help either of you. (Just ask your W, she knows). 

As bad as it seems and as awful as you feel right now,
With the proper attitude and plan, I know you can make it.

If you care to share, what might your plan be for moving forward now?

In any case, Keep posting... both to get insight and just to vent.
Take care and never stop trying!

Eric,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is all just so strange to me that what has happened has not damaged our marriage further ...she feels ok its over now he can be mine again</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be careful with this attitude. Rather than running happily off to immediately "forgive and forget", the two of you need to figure out WHY you made those poor choices. This is necessary so you know HOW you will protect your M from similar poor choices in the future.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like ok my wife is not the only adulterer I am no better than her, lets just make sure we never hurt each other again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent! How do you and she plan to ensure you don't hurt one another again in this fashion?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by eric. n:
<strong> I feel like the only thing I regret is being hipocriticle to other members here. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Eric, KB here. I've been looking out for you for days and now I'm sitting here with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I think you understand the spirit of this board, the care and concern we have for each other even though most of us have never even met.

Because of this site there are marriages that are whole and healthy, recovered from something that most of society considers a dealbreaker. There is HOPE on this board. You already know this Eric, that is why you are still here.

At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what WE think Eric. You didn't let US down, you let yourself and your wife and children down. You've done something that is going to haunt you as a husband, as a father and as a man.

Yes, you may have greater understanding of your wife's fall now but there is a difference. Your wife made a decision to have an affair based on many different factors. She did not have boundries and understanding of how to guard her marriage. As opposed to you, she relatively "blundered" into her A, while you walked in eyes wide open. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

You can see from the replies that there is deep sadness at what has happened. That is because the people responding to you have concern for the unavoidable consequences for both you and your wife. More pain, more damage, more work ahead.

You say you feel no regret particularly towards your wife. Maybe you don't RIGHT NOW. It has taken you three or four days to post this. You've been thinking about it and I have a feeling you probably don't know what to think.

IGNORE the lone sympathy vote Eric, it won't do you any good in the long run and is not helpful! What may be "understandable" to one person is crystal clear to many others. This is going to hamper your recovery like no verbal Love Buster or DJ can.

What you SHOULD pay attention to is the advice that you get that will point you in the right direction towards being a man who can lead his family again, his whole, healthy, healed family.

It's all here, we are all here to aid you but the actual work is yours and your wife's. How's she doing? I felt really sad when you said she knew this was going to happen, that she had asked you to come to her for your sexual needs. She probably feels terrible right now. She probably blames herself. Consequences can be terrible things.

Eric you need to think on what you are learning here on MB. You need to think about what you want to do, how you want to live your life. You need to think about the consequences of your actions on your wife and your little children.

There is hope for your family Eric, IF you apply what you have learned. If you choose to ignore the life lessons that you see posted here by people who have gone through the same horrible trauma you are, then that is your choice. Know what you are choosing and know that those choices have a huge effect on not us here on MB but on your very own family.

Keep posting your thoughts,take the advice you receive to heart and consider how you want to recover from this mess. Trust me, there is hope and your family can have a better future in spite of the past. You and your wife have both taken the "easy" way out and the inevitable result has been agony on top of agony. It doesn't have to be this way!

I hope that you come to understand the damage you have done. Just as you needed to see your wife's sorrow, she needs to see yours. I KNOW it's inside you somewhere, Eric. You know entirely too much from your time on this board to easily justify what you've done.

This said, I'll sign off. I'm so sad for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Please keep posting, you may get a few whacks here and there but take them in the spirit they are intended. MB concepts offer a lifeline, I hope you can reach out and take a hold of it. Recovery even in spite of this latest development is possible. Best, KB

"Well,, I have done just that!!! I had sex with another woman this past weekend. "

"I have to be honest I am not that regretful that I done it to my wife and I am surprised on how easily made the decision to do it."

You also BETRAYED your children.

Don't you regret that?

You also BETRAYED yourself.

Don't you regret that?


Pep

Am I any better than my wife? Nope.... but for some reason this has given me piece of mind on how my wife betrayed me,,

I'm pretty sure this won't make your children happier .... that their Daddy has some level of
"peace of mind" because he commiting adultery.

Your weakness is not to be celebrated.

Pep