How long can you keep making LB deposits without getting any in return and still be "happy"?

My WH did end the almost year-long A a few months ago and HAD been making deposits into my LB, then he has contact again and there have been no deposits. I feel that I've been the only one making deposits. He continues to need me to boost him up (although he doesn't show appreciation for it, I know he needs it), but he hasn't done any boosting for me.

Feel today like I'm at the end of a long journey and I REALLY want to get off. I don't necessarily want D (that's another thread about BS and the D threat), I just want this to end!

I want to feel loved.
I want to feel wanted.
I want to feel that he couldn't live without me (as opposed to feeling that way about OW).
I want to feel like the most important thing in my H life.

I'm feeling so down and defeated today <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

All of the things you want are normal and understandable and reasonable. And they very well may happen. But it will take . . . yep, you guessed it, time. Time for him to defog, time to find himself again, time for you to grow and improve yourself.

This is all a process, that takes, yep, time.

Have you read ARK's post on giving this morning? And 2long was going to bump up a post on unconditional love for me this morning, as well.

Read this site. Then read it again. Your Taker is out today. That is OK - it is apart of you. I have been where you are. And at the time it sucked. And now, I realize that it was necessary for me to go through in order to grow.

Love yourself, take care of yourself, do stuff for YOU. Go shopping, get your hair done, get a massage, a pedicure. Read some good books, go to a comedy club with your girlfriends, go bowling. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Keep posting. Keep reading.

SS

H4H,

You mention the A lasted a year and that it ended a few months ago. If he's still in contact with her, it hasn't ended. When was D-Day and have you been in Plan A since then? Has it been a strong Plan A?

You asked "How long can you keep making LB deposits without getting any in return and still be "happy"?"

It varies from person to person.
It varies depending on how quickly withdrawals are being made from your account, and how full it was to begin with.
When your bank balance is nearing zero, it depends on how long your sheer willpower will last.

And then, right as you begin to not care any more, it's time for Plan B.

spider, I have heard the time thing many times. To tell you the truth, I'm sick to death of hearing that. My H has had plenty of time to make up his mind. He says he has ... that he has chosen me ... but now I wonder if he just chose me out of fear. Fear of the unknown with OW, fear of not having as much time with children, fear of hurting me anymore, fear of losing his family's respect, fear of what might happen at work.

Did start to read the post about giving, but wasn't into reading a story. I'll go back and read it. And I did read some of the unconditional love post. It did make sense to me. Will read it again.

You gosh darn right my taker is out today. My taker doesn't come out very often...in fact, that's part of the problem with our M. H is a taker, I'm a giver. I have been reading Women Who Try Too Hard. It's been helpful.

Something for myself ... IC tonight. Boy, do I need it?!

turtlehead, d-day was last September. A continued until first "breakup" in October. Then on and off until April, when NC letter was sent. It's mostly cells calls, text and IM and emails.

Have done Plan A. I'm tired of Plan A. Tried to go to Plan B twice. He was set to move out 3 times, but "couldn't" do it and I would back down and let him stay because he "promised" me...

Read the story about the sparrow and the prince. But this is the thing ... I feel like I've been the one giving for way tooo long, like years. I've put up with my H treating me with disrespect, treating our children with disrespect. He didn't want to spend time together, would be on the computer playing games (then he found OW and would chat with her), was always critical of me.

We've discussed this in MC (which he won't go to anymore). He agreed that he hadn't treated me very well and he did make changes. I saw the changes! It was heaven on earth during April and May! Then he sees her and he is back to being distant, critical.

I guess maybe it's withdrawal, but I don't know!

H4H -

Sorry. I know hearing the time thing sucks. You are in a tight spot, with him waffling back and forth, back and forth.

Personally, I would be very near to the booting stage, just to knock the boy off the fence, but every sitch is so different, the dynamics in the R are so very different from person to person.

Please just know that we are here for you. Keep posting, keep reading. Others have survived this, and become all the better for it, and you can too.

Sometimes, when I couldn't see an end in sight to my own dilemma, I would look to the future and realize that in 1 year, or 2 or 5, my life wouldn't look the same as it did when I was so unhappy. And that gave me hope.

You will not be miserable for forever. One way or the other, this sitch you are in cannot last. It takes too much energy from everyone involved to maintain that fantasy, that waffling, that indecision. Some day soon, it will give. And things will begin to change.

I believe when you are at the end of yourself, things will change. I found great comfort in the Lord.

Please take care of you. I am so happy you have IC tonight. I wish you a peaceful evening, and a warmth in your heart.

SS

H4H,

NC letter was sent in April, but he hasn't stuck to it. It doesn't sound, to me, like there have been any consequences to that, either. That would explain why he continues texting, calling, etc. -- he wants to enjoy the attention she gives him, and he can. He knows you'll take it because you have been. This needs to change, doesn't it?

You tried to go to Plan B twice but he "couldn't" do it. I'm not sure how you *make* someone move out. I've never done Plan B myself (thank goodness!) but I think if I were in your shoes I'd do one.

I am so sorry for the pain you're feeling.

Bad day yesterday ... better day today. I feel more ready to continue on with the fight for our M. I feel that I am able to continue LB deposits even if I don't get any in return ... but hey, a girl can hope it will happen, too!

IC last night went well. Very glad I had appt set up! She helps me to sort through my feelings, isn't judgmental or telling me what to do. Helps me to understand where H may be coming from. I know I hear it here, often, but hearing it from another voice with a face doesn't hurt.

So, do I still love my H? Of course I do! Do I get angry at him, at what he has done to me, at what he has done to our family? Of course I do! Do I want to stay married? Of course I do!

Today will continue to be a good day. I am asking for the Lord's blessing on me, my husband and our children. Praying that He will guide all of us to a better place, a happier place, a more content and fulfilling place with each other. I'm praying that he will open my husband's heart to more deeper love for me and that he will close off his heart to OW. I'm praying that he will bring us together as we were meant to be.

headed for happiness...

sorry that you find yourself where you at...

but remember that you can only change you....
and that if and when you feel stagnated and stuck...
look inwards and see what you can change...

the outcome of this doesn't have to be divorce..don't make such a huge leap ...especially when you havent' done any plan b at all....

basically you are reaching the poing in the marriage building program where you are enabling a cake-eater...

each time you pushed the issue to be done with your part of being a triangle...and he waffled to stay...
ya let him...

three times.....
not quite a charm....eh? phoooey...

well time to quit focusing on him...
and time to put focus back on you...
and time to step off of the rollercoaster...

there's so much room for you to change and grow....and if you can't see it because of his shadow it's time to step out of his chaos...

I've put up with my H treating me with disrespect, treating our children with disrespect.

if you have put up with it...why are you going to to continue to do so....

you do deserve better..

how are you going to get it if you don't expect it....

I think you should seriously consider plan b..

plan b is to protect the little bit of love you have left and you sound close to that point..

plan b is to say that I can not and will not be your controller or jailer....

and that I choose to no longer be part of your disrepectful triangle....

You can not force him to choose anything..if you had that much power you would have chosen differently a long time ago....

but you can choose out his chaos, disrespect and pain...

choose wisely my friend...for he has no intention of changing anything...right now...

ARK

ark, I read your reply yesterday, but wasn't ready to respond. I keep trying to convince myself that he isn't a cake-eater. That he does love me and that he is just withdrawing from OW. Then I think about the hundreds of posts that I've read and the reality that when he was in full-blown A, he was acting very similar to now: distant, non-affectionate, won't look into my eyes anymore.

So I guess I have to assume that contact is continuing. How long can I hold on? I don't know. I continue to think that she'll lose the hold she has on him; that he will wake up (again) one day and know that he has with me the thing that he is searching for with OW. That he'll let me into the place in his heart and mind that he has let her into. That I want to help him, not punish him for the A. That I want to be closer than we ever were.

Yesterday I got some books about connection in M. Guess I'll go back to reading ... not about affairs, but how to make our M better.

I continue IC. We have stopped MC. He doesn't want to go anymore. He has stopped IC. I know that this isn't good, but maybe he just needs a break, needs to think internally some more by himself and then he'll go back. He is dealing with many fears and self-doubts in his life. I know that he is hurting. Probably hurting as much as me. The difference is I know the answer to my hurt is a closer, deeper relationship with my H. He is still unsure what the answer is.

No, I'm not ready for Plan B. But the time may be coming soon. I don't want to push him away. I saw how he was in April and May and want to continue holding onto those precious times. He says things were good during that time, but he didn't feel as close to me as he does/did to her.

He is a good man who is troubled now. I need to be there for him when he is ready to open up. I need to hold on for dear life on this crazy rollercoaster ride until he joins me at the end of it.

I will continue to pray for him, pray for us, and pray for our family. I will continue to pray that OW and her reconnect so that their daughter doesn't grow up in a divorced family. For two families to be broken up, devastated over this would be a tragedy.

Love is a choice, a decision. I am reading two books about this right now and know that they are right. Maybe we don't have the butterflies anymore (although I have them more now than I used to in the last few years), but what we have is sooo worth saving. I have walls that I need to break down also. Maybe we can both get out the sledgehammers and start hacking away. If OW is not in the picture, it will be easier, but I don't think that it will be IMPOSSIBLE with her in the picture. I just need to show my husband that I love him, will be here for him, will open up to him and that I can be the woman that he is searching for.

Long post, sorry. Just rambling, I guess. I love being able to post here to share my thoughts. I don't share with my friends anymore. This is my place to "be me".

I continue to hope and pray that my husband will stop contact with OW, get back into IC, open up to me and work at rebuilding our marriage.

Thanks for listening.

Oh, I believe you need to read ark's post again. Your H is not himself. He is not on the same planet as you right now. If you keep coming at this A from a real-life angle, you will keep losing. In a way, you are foggy right now.

Your H is not capable - NOT CAPABLE - of turning back to you right now. As long as OW is in the picture, as long as contact continues, you will continue to feel pain. This is a process. This is a documented pattern. Read the posts here.

The Plan Cake Eater you are enabling right now will only bring you pain. I am so sorry you cannot see that right now. I hope you do before your love for him and your respect for yourself are destroyed.

Ominous words, because you are on a dark path that many here have walked. We are telling you what awaits you. Your WH has shown all signs that he is going to continue what he wants to do - only what he wants.

He has stopped MC. He has stopped IC. He has turned from you again. Unfortunately, the path you are on, the plan you have, is what could lose him. Plan B is there for a reason. You need Plan B right now.

Please pray about this, and do not let fear of the unknown be making your decisions for you. It is scary, there are no guarantees. But Plan B has a better success rate than what you are currently doing.

SS

Spider, I will continue to think about Plan B.

The only thing is, I don't have any proof that contact is still continuing. How can I make POSITIVELY sure of that? He won't give me cell records. He isn't gone in the evenings or much on weekends, so I don't think they see each other then. However, I know they have had early morning coffee and when he leaves for work very early I get suspicious of that. They have also had lunch together, but short of spying on him every day ... how do you REALLY know?

Coffee, lunch, him not sharing his records when you ask - that is all the proof, sister. And the way he feels distant to you.

You need to take the bull by the horns here. In his current state of mind, he will take and take and take. He will get away with every single thing. He is like a teenager right now.

ARK says you can only control you. Make yourself and your home a place that is attractive to him. BUT, Plan B gives him the conditions he needs to choose into before he can enjoy that environment with you. He has lost all rights and privledges right now. YOU are in the driver's seat. YOU require that he can no longer hurt you or your children. YOU start driving.

Are you getting me? The sooner you stop looking to him for what you want, the sooner you will get what you want. He cannot help you. He is not capable. You need to move on. Not out of the M, but with taking care of YOU and YOURS. HE is not your problem right now. HE needs to start taking responsibility for HIS actions.

You can do this. Do not live in fear. It is scary, but courage is being brave in SPITE of your fear. Not absense of fear. OK? Keep posting, girl.

SS

Spider, in my head I know that he probably is still in contact with her and maybe seeing her. I KNOW that he still loves her.

Fear ... yup, you hit the nail on the head. I AM afraid of Plan B. If I go to Plan B, I'm scared that he won't come back to me. And while that could be the best thing in the long run (i.e., I won't get hurt anymore), IT'S SOOOO SCARY!!!

Still pondering. Kids will be away next week. I want to see how the week goes. See if he is more attentive, affectionate, open and honest with me. If he isn't, I guess I'll go to Plan B. He will say this is a threat, but I know it isn't. It's really what I would need to do to make sure I don't end up hating his guts after what he has done to me.

I will keep posting and sharing my feelings here. Wish I could share these feelings more with my H, but he keeps saying that this isn't about he and OW ... that it's about he and I. That we have never had the same connection that he has with OW and that he had with the girlfriend he was with before he met me 16 years ago.

Thanks for continuing to listen and reply to me. Maybe we'll have yet another breakthrough this coming week that will be the FINAL breakthrough!