For those of you who are familiar with my story, I have another update. I found two more condom wrappers in the trash can in my H’s bathroom.

As you might recall, my H works nights and is off on Sunday and Monday nights. So generally, if he is up to something, it is usually on Monday or Tuesday during the day. I checked the miles on his car on Monday after I got home from work. He didn’t go anywhere and he was pretty sweet to me, so I felt at ease. (Stupid, I know) Therefore, I didn’t do any more checking that night.

I checked his miles again on Tuesday night after I got home from class at 9:15pm. Again, he didn’t go anywhere out of the ordinary. He left for work at 9:45 and I started to snoop around. That’s when I found the wrappers in the trash. These were not from his stash of condoms. They were the same brand, but two different styles. Perhaps his OP supplied the condoms? Here’s the other thing I noticed – they were both expired. One expired in 2001 and the other in 2002. Did he just find old trash and throw them away? I kind of doubt it – he is a neat freak and that is REALLY old trash. Plus, we did not use condoms before 2002 – I was on the pill. Still though, who knows - it could be nothing.

If he used the condoms, it could have been on either day. I didn’t get any evidence from my voice recorder. On Monday morning, I did not set up the recorder because he got up before I did and would have seen me place it where I normally do. I know, I should have set it up in another room. Yesterday, I set up the recorder at 6:15am and it ran out before my husband went to sleep. He runs the television all day long and it only records for 5.5 hours. Usually it’s enough time, but not for yesterday.

I am feeling really stupid.

How many times do I have to say "it could be nothing" before it is actually something?

Svb -

I hate to be blunt but what more do you need to prove that your H is having an A? Used condoms in the trash can...this is repeated activity. Are you simply looking for evidence to put in front of his face?

I'd say if the recorder is your only option at this point go to Radio Shack and get something more hi tech.

Can you afford a PI?

I can see where you want the hard evidence to put in his face otherwise he may continue to deny and make you feel like a crazy woman.

Rest assured you are not crazy but I can see how this would drive someone batty. This situation reminds me of the Betty Davis movie Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte (way before my time...and probably yours too but I love that movie).

I'm sure someone on this board can come up with other ideas of busting your H.

Try posting a topic with the word Spy or Investigation in the tag line. More people will respond with ideas on catching your WH.

HW, in my mind, I know what's going on. My heart doesn't want to believe it. You are right, though, what I want is evidence to put in front of his face.

I am kicking myself because I'm sure I could have caught him with the recorder if I had only done it right. I would have heard someone come in.

I have a 22 hour recorder now that I will use from now on. I'm toying with the idea of taking off both Monday AND Tuesday next week. Ideally, I would like to catch him with someone in the house, rather than follow him.

I actually took these two wrappers out of the trash this time and hid them away. The can is pretty full at this point and there were a couple of tp rolls on top of them, so I didn't think he would notice them missing. I am starting to think that this might have been a mistake. I would love to put these in his face. I would love to hear him explain where they came from since they are not his normal kind. I'm sure he'd explain it away, though. Also, if he notices that they are missing, I KNOW that he can't say anything to me, but he would know that I'm on to him again and he will be more careful. I don't know at this point if I should keep them to show him in the future at some point (with other evidence, hopefully) or if I should sneak them back into the trash can.

<small>[ June 16, 2004, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: svb ]</small>

svb,

Empty the trash can. Keep the wrappers.

Since they're so old, I'm guessing OP supplied them?

On the one hand I imagine it feels ridiculous to keep "waiting" when you know what's going on. On the other hand, he'll just deny so you may as well get some irrefutable evidence.

If he's not doing those weird 48 mile round trips (or however far it was) then it looks like OP is coming over, so his odomoter looks clean. He knows you're on to the whole odomoter sitch. Taking a day off might not be a bad idea - but are you prepared for what you will learn?

Can you not hire a PI for just a couple of days?

svb,

I haven't read your story but why not just show him the wrappers you found. You are looking for proof with the recorder, seems like you have it in your hand already.

Taking Monday or tuesday off is a great idea.

SVB -

If you want to save your M I think you have to take the day off. Do not let him know (I know you already know this). Act as normal as you can and leave at your normal time. Just go somewhere or even rent a car so you can sit in your neighborhood and watch if that's possible.

I'd also suggest that you be prepared for how you will react if you catch this woman at your house.

Will you go in and confront?
Will you call on the phone while you know she's there and see if you can make your H squire or even better break?
What will you say?
Will you tell her to get out?
Would you possibly lose it and knock her out? (I'd suggest not doing this)
Will you tell your H to get out?
How would seeing them together affect you and your emotional state?

What happens if they react in anger by being caught red handed? You need to make sure you are prepared. I don't want to say it but I think we can't lose site of the violence that could occur with situations like this.

You need to be prepared for all outcomes. Let's face it you know what's going on here. You know he is having an A. I agree with your point about him covering his tracks and making an excuse about the wrappers but honestly there's nothing that he could say at this point that would make me believe him when it comes to used condom wrappers in the toilet when they haven't been used on me.

I think the best way out of this without doing further harm to yourself is to hire a PI...if you can't afford to do that you need to take some time off of work and be your own PI. If I were close I'd help you. I'm sure you can't ask any friends for help at this point...I know you would be humilated. MBers have been there and done that and anyone of us would help you if we could.

SVB, I'm sorry, you're still in the process of finding out.. its the hardest thing to do. When you feel it.. and you know it. So, let me tell you this.. there is no need to catch him. YOu now KNOW your husband is having an affair, the only thing that is holding you from recovery is for you to show him that you KNOW he is having affair..

I am just trying to make things clear for myself and also maybe a little bit for you. You do not need anymore evidence to know your husband is having an affair.. I doubt he is just masturbating...in those condomns... someone is coming inside your house.. doing in your bed now girlfriend. I am so sorry you are still in the process and cannot start breaking through and see what is going wrong in your marriage. 3 questions usually break silence.. that's what my friends says..
1. Do you love me?
2. Lost interests?
3. Are you cheating?
All in one conversation...I hate conflicts.. that's why for a long time.. I was passive aggressive in my marriage while my husband continued an EA and breaking into a PA..that he couldn't keep away from me.

Now you've been doing so well keeping yourself together.. MBers.. specially me wants you to get going on this ....its really much painful before discovery.. the suspension can kill you.. but you already know your H is having another its.. pointing it out and letting him know you know.. that is the only way for the affair to end.
If my husband would tell me not to wash his clothes I would start suspecting things. And finding used condomns .... not to be too personal.. Howis your sex life girl?

I'm following your thread.. keep us updated.. even when things do not get better, just write to keep going and improving yourself. Being in this site has helped me modified myself so well. I have improved, and my marriage has improved. Even if its just a little it has...

So big hugs* keep up the faith. He is having an affair.. you know it. NOw you just have to put it in the open.

SVB, I'm sorry, you're still in the process of finding out.. its the hardest thing to do. When you feel it.. and you know it. So, let me tell you this.. there is no need to catch him. YOu now KNOW your husband is having an affair, the only thing that is holding you from recovery is for you to show him that you KNOW he is having affair..

I am just trying to make things clear for myself and also maybe a little bit for you. You do not need anymore evidence to know your husband is having an affair.. I doubt he is just masturbating...in those condomns... someone is coming inside your house.. doing in your bed now girlfriend. I am so sorry you are still in the process and cannot start breaking through and see what is going wrong in your marriage. 3 questions usually break silence.. that's what my friends says..
1. Do you love me?
2. Lost interests?
3. Are you cheating?
All in one conversation...I hate conflicts.. that's why for a long time.. I was passive aggressive in my marriage while my husband continued an EA and breaking into a PA..that he couldn't keep away from me.

Now you've been doing so well keeping yourself together.. MBers.. specially me wants you to get going on this ....its really much painful before discovery.. the suspension can kill you.. but you already know your H is having another its.. pointing it out and letting him know you know.. that is the only way for the affair to end.
If my husband would tell me not to wash his clothes I would start suspecting things. And finding used condomns .... not to be too personal.. Howis your sex life girl?

I'm following your thread.. keep us updated.. even when things do not get better, just write to keep going and improving yourself. Being in this site has helped me modified myself so well. I have improved, and my marriage has improved. Even if its just a little it has...

So big hugs* keep up the faith. He is having an affair.. you know it. NOw you just have to put it in the open.

First of all, I just wanted to clarify something. I did not find used condoms in the trash, I found the condom WRAPPERS in the trash.

Turtlehead, he hasn't taken a 48 mile round trip (you were correct on the miles!) in two weeks. I think you are right in that he probably feels safer in bringing OP to the house. If he continues to do this, it is better for me -- it will be easier for me to catch them in the act.

d_rose, I would love to present the wrappers to him, but he will come up with some excuse, I'm sure. I've confronted him about several things and he always denies EVERYTHING. I think my best bet is to stake out the house on Monday and Tuesday.

HW, I think my plan would be to rent or borrow a car and stake out the house on both days. My goal is to see if someone enters the house, wait a while, and then go in and catch them in the act. I believe that it is the only way to get him to admit anything. What are the chances that I will catch him? I don't know. If I do catch them in the act, I would just make sure that he sees me and then I would turn around and walk out. Of course, you never know how you will act for sure until you are in the situation. I actually didn't think of violence, and that is a possibility, but I'm willing to take the risk.

I can't afford a PI at this point.

Harudah, are you saying that I should just confront him again right now before I get anything more evidence? I don't think I need any more evidence to prove anything to myself. I'm just dying to get him to admit to it. I've already tried the "do you love me?" and the "are you cheating?" questions. He just gets upset, but does not admit anything.

As for our sex life, it was non-existant for about four months between October/November and February. This is when I first started suspecting something because he does not go very long without SF. After I confronted him the first time about cheating, though, (at the end of February), he did a turn around. Now everything in that department is pretty much back to normal, schedules permitting. (I only see him for about a half an hour on Tuesdays and Thursdays and an hour and a half on Wednesdays and Fridays)

I have been working on the SF. He admitted that this was a problem before - he felt I rejected him too much. I did not see a problem. I know I am guilty. This has been a learning experience for me. I will not make the same mistakes anymore.

But now it seems that he is getting a double dose of the SF. It must be very nice for him.

SVB,
I remember your story well.

On the recorder, is it voice activated? More importantly can you hook it up to the phone line? If she calls him with your set up you may just hear," OK I'll meet you there." You need to hear both sides of the conversation.

legal disclaimer, legal disclaimer.........

cwmac

Hello cwmac,

Both recorders that I have are voice activated. I can connect my new one to the phone line. I haven't tried it yet, though. I can connect it to the phone jack in our bedroom, but there is a small risk he will see it. It is only somewhat behind a piece of furniture. I figure there's a 10% chance he'll see it. Before, I wouldn't be willing to take the risk, but now I just don't care anymore. I am at the end of my rope here. I figure if he is willing to take some risks, so can I. At least my risks are for the purpose of bettering our M.

svb

svb,
That's exactly how I was. I was lucky though and had a great spot to hide it.

Maybe you need to surprise your H with a rearrangement of furniture.

cwmac

svb,

My biggest concern with what you are doing is whether you're prepared to deal with what you might see.

I don't want to put worse movies in your head than might already be there, but realize it's possible you might witness something more shocking than him in bed with a woman his age. Not likely, mind you, but possible.

Figure out how you're going to handle this, and stick to your plan. I'd seriously consider taking a camcorder so it's not just your word against his. It's amazing what a WS will deny.

I still think a PI is a better idea. Or do you have a trusted friend or relative you can turn to?

Oh, my heart aches for you.

Turtlehead,

I think I'm prepared for what I might find, but who knows. Trust me, my mind has been everywhere with all kinds of possibilities. Some things have led me to believe that the OP could even be a OM. I hate to even admit it. I'm almost to the point where I will be relieved if I find him with another woman. Does it sound like I'm completely insane yet? Pretty soon I will be in the corner of the room sucking my thumb and rocking back and forth. I will no longer be able to post on this board.

I thought about taking in a camera. I didn't think of a camcorder. I might not, though, I don't know yet. Here's why - if I catch him, I don't think he would be violent towards me, but I can easily see him taking the camera and throwing it against the wall and smashing it into pieces. He can be pretty violent with THINGS. For instance, once he completely tore up an anatomy and physiology textbook because he couldn't understand something. Pretty scary, I know, but he doesn't do things like that often.

As for friends and relatives that can help out. I don't really have many. My family is far away and I have not and cannot tell them anything. At least not yet. Besides you guys on MB, I have only confided in one friend here. She mentioned that she would be willing to lend me her car if I need it.

I still have to talk to my boss about taking the days off. I hope it is not a waste. At least I can get some reading done for school. I am WAY behind. Gee, I wonder why.

I really appreciate everyone's concern. It means a lot to me. Thanks.

svb

SVB, I have been following your thread.

I just wanted you to know, I'm saying a prayer for you tonight.

I hope you find what you need to within the next couple of days.

May God Bless you and give you strength.

KY-4

Wow, I haven't been to MB in four days! That is a record for me.

KY-4, I didn't see your post until tonight. Thanks for the prayer.

Well, I took both yesterday and today off for my stake out. Guess what? NOTHING happened. I don't know if that's good or bad anymore. I just can't seem to get a break!

I have the perfect hiding place, too. We live in a townhouse. The townhouse is in a courtyard. On the other side of the courtyard is a laundry room that nobody uses (we all have washers and dryers in our units). The door to the laundry room has a big window with a perfect view of our unit. This hiding place didn't even occur to me till Friday. I just hung out in there both days. My H didn't have a clue. (I also parked my car on the other side of the complex) It all seems like a waste now.

Oh well, I guess I have to be patient and keep trying using both my recorders and more stake outs.

AARG!

svb, have you considered plotting out his "drives" on a calendar to see if there is some kind a pattern? It doesn't sound like he goes on these trips every week. Do you think he is going every other or every third or fourth week? Could he be going when he gets paid?

This may sound like a bold approach...but I'd hand him the wrappers and tell him "I want to know what's going on and I want to know now". He may actually be relieved it's out in the open.

However, prepare for the ride. Not sure if you've been in this situation w/ him before but the rollercoast has just begun (see "is this common for my background---ignore the duplicate postings, my computer locked up).

Do you have any idea who it may be? Personally I think it's pretty bold to bring the A into the home. Wouldn't there be more besides the wrappers (i.e., change of clothes, sheets, etc.).

Call him on it. Why torture yourself any longer?

ML, before my H switched to working nights, he used to take his trips every week - sometimes twice a week. Now that he works nights and has the same days off every week, he's been going every 2 to 4 weeks. What is also different is that he also appears to be bringing this OP to the house. This has happened twice (that I've noticed) so far. Once when our good friend neighbors were away for the day and once since they're moved Florida. I'm not so sure that his trips are related to his pay because I handle our finances. However, they could possibly be related to OP's pay day.

NY-ER, I read your thread, and I think you are lucky that your H admitted to his A when you confronted him. I have confronted my H several times already. The first time was when I noticed severe behavioral changes. He denied everything. I confronted him again when I noticed that one of his condoms was missing out of his nightstand (I had been counting them regularly because I was still suspicious). He again denied everything. I confronted him yet again about the regular mileage on the car. Again - deny, deny, deny. The only thing that I haven't confronted him with yet are the condom wrappers in the trash can (and this is the second time that I've found them there). I think, at this point, the only way I will get the truth from him is if I catch him in the act. Oh, and BTW, he did wash the sheets the last time I found wrappers in the garbage (last week). He did not wash the sheets the first time I found condom wrappers.

<small>[ June 22, 2004, 11:10 PM: Message edited by: svb ]</small>

Did he not wash the sheets the first time, or did you just not realize he did????

He sounds like a compassionate cheater, he is using condoms, and he washes the sheets.

Please, everybody, that is said with extreme sarcasm!!!!

Well, I guess I'm glad you found nothing, or maybe not??? I feel so bad for you svb, I would hate to be so unsure.

So now what is your plan??? Is there anyway he is checking your computer??? And finding these post??? Or do you not post at home???

KY