I went to see my IC yesterday. She informed me that she doesn't think WH and OW will really separate for quite some time. (OW told WH 3 weeks ago that she was staying w/ her husband to try to work things out. This was after her husband stumbled on some papers discussing her affair.) I don't know how clean she came w/ her husband, but they're supposedly going to MC. Even so, I knew that WH & OW were still talking several times/week. WH was depressed and I encouraged him to get on ADs. This helped some. WH apparently still believed (believes?) that he and OW will eventually end up together after she gives up on her husband. Last Saturday was our daughter's big dance recital. After 10 years, she's a member of the Senior dance company and was in 13 numbers in each of the two shows. Due to the number & quickness of costume changes, the moms are basically stuck backstage helping our daughters for the entire show. Well, I found out the next day (Sunday) that WH invited OW and her 2 daughters to the recital, and YES they came. I didn't even know how to react. WH just told me that I was making too big a deal; afterall, he had only invited a friend (meaning the OW). Okay, now jump to Tuesday after my IC session, I guess I shouldn't have done it, but I called OW to tell her that it was totally inappropriate for her to come to my daughter's functions. She disagreed of course and gave me the same "seeing my friend's daughter" crap. Really, not much more was said. I told WH about the phone call when he got home from work. He didn't seem that bothered by it at the time. Now, this morning, he talked to OW. She apparently told him that she was tired of this affair business, she was staying w/ her husband, and he should move on. WH called me and said "I'm moving out tonight. I HATE YOU! Whatever you told K***** (OW) has made her decide to stop seeing me. It's all your fault and I will never forgive you!!!!" Well, I don't think anything I said yesterday made her decide anything. I think she decided 3 weeks ago, but he was still hoping I guess.

I've cried all day. I knew this would probably happen eventually, but I don't think you can ever really be ready for it. I don't feel suicidal like I did in October. I know I'll be okay. Emotionally, I'll probably be a wreck for a while. Does he really hate me? We've been best friends for 25 years. Can he really hate me? Someone please talk to me so I can get through the next few days/weeks. I really am going to be alone now.

YOu did the right thing..
his reaction is typical...

advocating for your children's sense of safety...

who in GODS invites the OP to their own childs special day of dance...\

ALIENS DO THING LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stay calm
stay focused
stay in control

breathe in the serenity of your peaceful home tonight...

no cake eaters
no waffles...

peace to you...

ark

Oh, you see, we share the same name, Lost. But you are strong, you are ready. We are both in the same boat, Wh would move anytime. You did the right thing for confronting OW. Just be strong, I will be talking to you through. Let's help each other.

I hope you don't think I'm making light of your situation, but when my DD was 4 she had a friend that whenever they got into a disagreement about a toy or palying a game she would say "I'll be your best friend if you do..."

When you wrote what your H said I almost imagined him stomping his feet when he said that. OK, he means it, really, he really does this time, no I mean he really means its, he's leaving, he's not coming back, really, not like last time, he's really going to do it...why are you laughing?

He is hoping to get some sort of a payoff from you...not sure what it is, probably that you admit you were wrong, and that you'll never call her again...

Oh well, I agree with ark, calling her and setting your boundaries was VERY appropriate. And now H is blaming YOU for the inevitable...

Oh well.

Thanks guys for the responses. WH will be home any moment now. I stayed home from work today because I just couldn't stop crying. I guess deep down I knew he would eventually move out. Even so, I was totally unprepared for his anger toward me this morning on the phone. He just kept saying "I hate you! I hate you!" He also asked me to go ahead and file for divorce. He just wants out.

I'm so nervous right now. He'll come storming in and gather his stuff and take off. I guess this really is IT, the end.

Stay calm please. If your think that he is too angry to hurt you, can you take your DD out of the house until is out? It is not the end, you still have Plan B.

Dear Lost - I am so sorry you are in this position, I agree with you that it was not right for OW to be at that dance recital, it must have taken out all of the the joy of that night.
As for your H moving out - I agree with everyone else, try not to cry, show him you are tough - go to Plan B - Good Luck - keep posting Sandy

<small>[ June 16, 2004, 06:27 PM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>

My heart breaks for you.

I know its a terrible day for you. I wish I knew about this website back in March when my WH left me. I'm still struggling, the pain won't go away and it gets very lonely.

I would be cautious to believe that the OW is out of his life, especially since she showed up last Saturday at the dance recital. My WH told me the OW is out of his life. A few weeks later, when I finally found the strength to go out, I ran into him shopping with the OW. He told me her car broke down and she called him for help. She has a H why didn't she call him? Lies, lies, lies.

Take care of yourself and your daughter.

Lost,

I am still not over my shock that he actually had the NERVE to invite the OW to your child's recital!! That is amazing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> And for her to have the nerve to show her face there is equally amazing! Do they understand that adultery is wrong? WOW!

I feel so bad for you, but please don't allow him to make you feel guilty. My gosh, it is your job to try and end his destructive affair, not aide and abet it!

Hopefully you are in touch with the OWH so he can watch her from that end. Y'all can be a great help to each other through all this.

Hang in there and come here and let us support you through this nightmare.

Husbands are great but Wayward husbands are monsters!

Mine said i resented you for forcing me to end it...this words came out the first time he ended with OW.

"I am moving out" Those words came the day i expose affair to OW parents.

Remember this...all WS have the same symphome!!!

Dont let him control your emotions. You are stronger than that... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lost -

I'm not surprised at all. Apparently OW didn't think it was wrong to have an A with a married man. Why would she think it was wrong to go to the recital? Just because she is breaking the family up?

Of course your WH (being deeply in the fog) will be furious. But you sit still sounds hopeful to me. If OW does try to get back with her husband, that will throw some cold water on the fantasy.

Thanks to each of you that replied. I haven't felt that desperate in some time now. WH got home just after I sent my last post above. I just sat in my chair in the living room. I'm glad daughter was not at home -- she's also a competitive roller skater and was at practice for the regional championships over the 4th of July weekend. (Okay, I guess I'm bragging on DD. She's very talented. Did I mention she plays the flute too?) Anyway, WH came in, sat in his chair across from mine, and asked me how I wanted him to do this moving out thing. It was almost like he wanted me to help him think this through and organize it. I just stared at him. That's what I do when people ask me stupid questions. In his quest to hurt me more, he spent the next hour or so telling me some of the lies he's been telling lately. For instance, he and OW see eachother for lunch every week. He has attended several of OW's children's events (music recitals, dance recitals, swim meets) even though OWH was there too. (Wow, these people are really incredible!!) He told me that his plan was to openly date OW by December 2004 and marry her by June 2005. Maybe I was just too dumbfounded to speak, but I just sat there and stared at him while he told me all of this. After a very long silence, I calmly told him that I still love him, but if he really felt that much for OW and it was reciprocated, they should leave us (me and OWH) and allow us to find people that will love us. He just replied that OW didn't want anything to do with him anymore. (Personally, I think she'll call WH within a couple weeks to "make up" and WH will run to her like a dog in heat.) After several more minutes of silence, WH stood up and asked me to go lie down with him. I told him to go ahead if he was tired. He grabbed my hand, pulled me up, and led me to the bedroom. He crawled in bed and asked me to please lie down next to him. I know I'm weak, but I complied. He held me and caressed me (non-sexually for the most part) for two hours. We both fell asleep, but woke up when DD called to be picked up from practice. WH went to get her. I was expecting him to pack when he returned even though it was already 10:00pm. He said he decided to just sleep in his car tonight. I told him to just sleep in his recliner or on the couch if he didn't want to sleep in bed w/ me, but he insisted on sleeping in his car. Sooooo, that's where he is now. I don't know what he's going to do tomorrow....sleep in his car again?...move out? Who knows? Even though I really don't want him to move out, I wish he would go ahead and go if that's what he wants to do. Afterall, can I ever really trust him again? Trust and Loyalty are very important to me. I give them without hesitation and expect them in return. I'm not sure WH is capable of either where I'm concerned. Maybe he (and I) would be better off if he left. It will break my heart, but this nonsense has to end.

L&A,

The rendition of your H's words and actions have a very familar ring. Mine did the same, tried to hold onto me then sleep in his truck. Back and forth to the OW who for some stupid reason just couldn't hold onto him. After all her promises to make him healthier and richer than he ever was with his family, what I got back a sick and poor man who had to be nursed back to sanity and health.

For now, let him go sleep in the car or park bench. Let the OW meet his needs and work on a good plan B.

BTW, Redhat's daughters compete for in-line and roller skating. They are quite good. Maybe you all have met at some competitions? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Work on your plan B. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Let him go do what he must. He wants to brow beat himself. Let him but don't feel guilty about it. He set himself there and he knows it.

Hugz,
L.

Lost, as painful as it may be NOW, your best strategy is Plan B right now, IMO. Your H doesn't even hide his affair and is now dragging your daughter into it. He is trying very hard to normalize his affair by bringing it out into the open. Don't allow him to use you and your daughter to do this.

This is part of the reason that I think you should move to Plan B. His actions are very destructive so Plan B would protect you from him and it is probably your ONLY hope of ending this affair. I think when he moves out he will quickly see that the OW can't possibly meet his needs. He doesn't have a chance to find this out on his own as long as you are meeting some needs and she is meeting others.

Plan B is tough at first, but not nearly as tough as having your nose rubbed in the affair every day. After a couple of weeks of Plan B you will start feeling much more at peace than you have for some time.

Have you considered counseling with the Harleys?

P.S. Are you in touch with the OWH? He might be a great help to you in ending this affair.

As of right now, WH has not moved out, but he took today off in order to do just that. I'm at work and he's probably at home packing his stuff. As I was walking out the door, he said he might just wait til tomorrow to move out. I told him that if he was moving out, just go ahead and go today. He's moving in w/ his parents for now. He doesn't have enough money to get an apt.

Last night was his band night where he sees OW. (They both play in this symphonic band.) I took DD and her boyfriend to their ballroom dance class and then out to eat. WH called DD around 11:00pm to see where we were, because OW had just called WH and told him that she saw me driving around in her neighborhood. That was OBSURD!!! She lives at least an hour away. I think paranoia has set in. WH doesn't believe me of course, because OW wouldn't make things like that up. Okay, whatever!!

WH got up this morning very agitated. I guess he didn't sleep well in the car. I stayed home w/ him til noon while he justified his need to move out....in order to him to become a better man, ....for his personal growth, ....to get away from both OW & me so he could make a clear decision, and my personal favorite: to get closer to God. Yes, yes, I definitely think God would agree that you should have an affair, leave your family, and go find yourself. WH actually told me that he felt God had brought him and OW together. I told him that God wasn't okay w/ infidelity. Something about the 10 Commandments. HELLO!!!! He said that God was responsible for everything we do. I disagree. God has given us some rules to live by, but we all have free will. I told him that the Devil may have realized their weakness and provided the temptation, but even so, we still have free will to make our own choices. What is wrong with these people?!? WH & OW profess to so religious. I'm not that religious (though I do believe in God)and even I know this stuff.

Okay, so I guess he'll move out tonight. How exactly do I go about this Plan B business after he moves out? I know deep down inside that WH still loves me. He even still tells me he loves me. I guess he just loves OW more right now.

Have you done a solid Plan A?

If you decide to go to Plan B, get a letter ready and post it here. It should be fairly short, and say you love him and would like to stay married, but until he has NC with OW, you will have NC with him, to preserve your love for him.

Believer,
Yes, I've done a solid Plan A for the last 5-6 months. Nothing changed. He didn't move out, but he kept seeing OW.

WH called me a few minutes ago from an apt locator office to tell me he's searching for an apt he can afford. I know he's leaving, I've been getting myself ready for this since October, but it still makes my heart sink when I think about it. I guess I thought he would come to his senses. WRONG! He thinks OW will leave her husband if he (WH) moves out, and maybe he's right. I have a hard time believing she'll actually leave though. She already told WH that she (with her 3 children) couldn't leave her husband's money. Her husband makes $20,000+ per month. Mine only makes twice that in a year. I don't think she's ready to be "poor". It also seems that OWH is trying to work on their marriage now, so she's less likely to leave IMO. Even so, she's still text messaging WH and telling him that she loves him, but for him to go on with his life without her. DRAMA!!!! All this just keeps hope alive in WH's eyes.

WH told me this morning that he needs affection and reassurance, and I didn't provide those things enough for him. I'll admit I was often withdrawn and didn't notice his needs. I'll take the hit for that, but I have to say that I didn't realize he needed those things. I'm very assertive and have pretty good self-esteem. I didn't realize WH's self-esteem was so low. That being said, isn't self-esteem defined as how you feel about yourself, not how others feel about you? How could my telling WH that he's a good husband, father, provider, lover, etc. make him feel better about himself? I never told him he wasn't those things. I'm far from perfect, but I know with certainty what I'm good at and what I'm not.

(Okay, stop, gather thoughts....)

I went off on some strange tangent there, but I'm sure I had a point when I started.

Anyway, I guess WH is moving out tonight. My heart is breaking at the very thought. He said he wants to come around (he even mentioned stopping by now and again for sex.) I'm not sure what to do regarding that. I don't want him to go to OW for companionship & sex just because I'm not providing them, but I don't want him to think he can have OW & me both. Guidance please?

Let him go, and do it calmly. Tell him you are sorry that he is leaving, but you cannot make him stay.

The fact that OW is used to more money is very good for you. He will probably move out and find out that she is NOT going to leave her H. Then he will have to rely on her for all his needs.

You have done Plan A for long enough. Let him go. Then go get some popcorn, and sit back and watch what happens.

My brother-in-law went through the same thing. He met his OW at work, and she and her H have 3 kids and lots of money. Although OW claimed she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, as soon as he moved out, she dumped him.

WH called me (I'm still at work trying to make up for time off this week.) He told me he hasn't made any decisions yet, but he found an apt he thinks he kinda sorta maybe can afford. He might go spend the night at his parents across town. (We live in Houston. If you're not familiar w/ the city, you can drive for 2 hours and still technically be in Houston.)

WH's indecisiveness is driving me crazy. I want to grab & shake him and say, "Hey, don't you realize that you really do love me and don't want to leave and that's why you can't make decisions?!" But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he really doesn't feel that way about me anymore, or maybe he needs to be away from me and miss me before he'll realize he's really screwing up.

I've already made mental plans for after he leaves. I'm buying a new TV to replace my broken tv and I'm getting cable. I feel like I've missed so much by not seeing Sex in the City and The Sopranos. I cut our cable off 6 years ago when DD's activities had us on the go constantly and we never actually watched tv. Now, she'll be 16 in July and spends most of her time w/ friends. I thought WH & I would be spending more time going places together now, but that's not going to happen. Now, DD & friends can hang out at our house and watch tv, movies, play on the computer, or whatever. I'll enjoy the company.

WH just called. He's waiting for me at home. He wants to see me before he goes to his parents to stay for the night. Then, he said he really doesn't want to go to his parents, but he probably would anyway. Can I scream yet?