Many of your know my story. I figured out yesterday one of the things I am doing to make my husband not want to be with me anymore. It concerns his son from his previous marriage. His son is 8 and currently lives with us. His mother cheated on my husband and left them both for another man when he was one. She has never contacted him or seen him since. I met my husband when his son was 3.

When I met his son he was a very physical child. Liked to punch people and stuff. I found him annoying at times. But I also felt that I could make a difference in his life since he had no mother figure. I thought that my feelings would grow for him that I could love him like my own.

Well we got married 3 years after we dated when his son was 6. I also had a son with my husband and was not prepared for the deep love I feel for my own son. I thought I could love him like my own but I love him differently. I feel like I push him away a lot. He has called me mom since we got married and always wants hugs and kisses. Sometimes I find it hard to kiss and hug him. I am not sure why.

Sometimes when my husband ignores me and I feel unloved I tend to take it out on his son. I am harsh with him and don't treat him like I do my own son. My husband sees this and others do also. How do I act differently? I do love him it's just like I feel jealous or something. I know a lot of people will probably say he is just a kid. I know this and I feel silly for being this way. With the new baby on the way it is more important for me to include him in things and show him I do love him.

He is in trouble at school a lot and is always seeking attention and approval from me. I know I need to change but how? I was talking to my mom and she feels like if I change some of my ways with him that his son will listen more and my husband will see that I love him and want to try in this relationship more.

After talking to my mom yesterday and realizing these things my husbands sister called and said that he has been afraid to hurt my feelings but a lot of his problems are about the way I don't show the love and affection to his son like I do our son together. I was so sad. I may lose my marriage over something I could have worked on a long time ago but didn't realize or didn't want to see.

Do I tell him how I feel? Or do I just try harder with his son and wait for him to see I have changed and am trying to work on this? How do you love and accept your stepchild? Am I alone in this or has anyone else had similar feelings?

What you must do right away is start treating your step son like your own child. I have 2 of my own boys, and 6 step kids.

When I got married, I did not "feel" like I loved my stepkids as much as my own. But I felt like my job was to mother and love them. After 10 years, now I love my stepkids just like I love my own.

Sad,

You ask Do I tell him how I feel?

Definitely!!! Read what you also wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he has been afraid to hurt my feelings but a lot of his problems are about the way I don't show the love and affection to his son like I do our son together. I was so sad. I may lose my marriage over something I could have worked on a long time ago but didn't realize or didn't want to see.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">By telling him how you feel, you begin to turn around this 'not telling in order to spare feelings' that is going on in your M. Always tell how you feel!

My H had 2 boys and I had 2 girls when we married. I don't love those boys like I love my girls. They were over 10 when I met them, for one thing. I'm more of an authority figure, like a teacher or counselor. I love them, but differently.

My H doesn't parent the way I do. He didn't have a good parenting role model when he was growing up (far from it). He tends to criticize and belittle rather than instruct. When he criticizes my daughters, I defend them. Then he feels like his position as a member of the family is undermined. We're working very hard on this.

I think it's great that you recognize there *is* a difference and that you are trying to do something about it. My H's and my acknowledgement of the dynamics in our own family haven't *solved* the problem but it has put everything on the table where we can now begin to address the issues.

I definitely think you should tell your H how you feel, and let him know of efforts you're making (books you're reading, behavioral changes you're trying to accomplish) and ask him to let you know when he sees an improvement. Or run an idea by him and get his input on it.

My H is reading Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today's Blended Family by Jennifer Green. He's not that far into it but likes what he's read thus far. I've not yet read it. It gets good reviews on Amazon.

Sad,

My stuation is very similiar to yours..even down to your post the other day about it not being the OW. As you can see from my sig line we are very blended and it has been hard at times.

I have been involved in my step-kids lives for the past 6 years so you can see they were young. My WH has also expressed feelings about me and my step kids, not so much as treatment of them but how I act when they are around. I love them as my own and part of my problem was that I really wished they were mine and WH kids together. I know, somewhat selfish on my part. In turn that did make me act very guarded around them sometimes and the fact their Mother bad mouthed us didnt help either.

We have been fighting for custody for about 4years and this has taken its toll on us. But what I am getting at is please sit down and express your feelings to H. I tried to do this with my WH but he did not listen or try to help. You can do this together, as painful as his feelings may be. If not he just may to continue to build resentment toward you. My WH has slowly started to understand some of my feelings regarding his children and this has helped me deal much better when we are all together.

I dont know if this helped at all, please know I know how you feel and are pryaing for your.


Lisa

Thank you all so much. I was beginning to feel alone. I don't know why I can't express my feelings for him but I am going to try harder at it.

Turtle
I sound a lot like your husband always critize and belittle him and never really treat him like my own son. I don't want to be like this. My husband and me also parent so differently and that is a lot of the problem. He makes me feel like the way I do everything is wrong. That he was the parent first so he knows best. I did tell my husband how I feel all he said was I understand he is not your son. I said he is my son. He doesn't have a mother. I got to step up and be that mother he is needing. I bought a book yesterday I think it is called the 7 steps to bonding with your stepchild. I hope this helps some.

I always have believed that the love would come in time. I know it would have but I didn't allow it. I am sorry for this. But I now can change and work on my relationship with him. Hopefully if my husband see's that I am different he may start to feel a little better about our whole marriage. And want to work on things also.

Thank you all for the encouragement and making me realize I can change and it can get better.