I saw my glimmer of light last night. I had my epiphany tonight.

Psalms 34:12-14 Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.

Tonight was a big night. Here is the situation for those who have been following it. runawaypot has finally said NC. (No letter yet, no reveal to the OMW yet). MC last night was a struggle. My spirit was telling me there was more I needed to know and there was.

I talked with RAP and asked questions. Your posts have helped us both. She was honest. Told me everything. More big hurts. But you know what? It was OK. I couldn't believe how serene I was through it. I just listened, held her and stroked her back, and she confessed it all. All the last little dark corners, the final sources of her shame and guilt. I sought peace, I gave it and recieved it back. Considering the subject, it was one of the nicest talks we had in some time. The tone was peace.

Many of you out there are in pain from your posts. I have listened and I have tried to help some too. Many of you are, or have been, in more difficult situations than me and RAP. I'm actually pretty lucky. She is not willing to throw her family away for this guy. Not on your life. I used to resent God. I sowed EXTREME faithfulness in my marriage. I sowed love. At first I thought what about reaping tenfold? How could she do this? I did reap tenfold. Just not the way I thought I would. Notice how the only way to tell what a seed will grow is to plant it and watch it? I mean, you can't tell from the seed what the plant is going to look like.

I took some big hits tonight, some hard things to hear from my precious RAP. She was not "on her knees begging forgiveness" like my EGO said she ought to be.

<strong>Listen to me BS, this is KEY.</strong>
Her final, full confession was for her. She had to tell these things, to get them out. She said them plainly, matter-of-factly, not haughtily, but peacefully. And now they're out. She has a long hill to climb, emotionally. And she took a big step letting go. She needed peace from me. And it was easy to give.

<strong>Listen to me WS, this is KEY.</strong>
She answered my questions to the extent I felt I needed to know. It was like I had this meter that was decreasing as this stuff came out. But PEACE was the secret. Other times, she or I was not at peace and I could not see the meter because we were emotionally shaking around so much. We both were at a peaceful place and it just kind of finished. The shock I mean. Still healing to go.

The saddest thing was how EASY it was and I didn't figure it out before. How do you handle the pain? How do you not hate? Believe me, had lots of pain and hate until I figured this out.

I don't want to sound like a religious freak. I strongly believe in my living Creator and I am not ashamed of it. I need no evidence of his existince (BTW, I am a smart, scientist kind of guy, VERY data driven) as I can feel his presence. If your NOT there with God, full, convicted belief in His love, this is not going to make sense to you. If you want to be there, get there. But this worked for me. If you don't believe me, fine. But I am here with a great peace about it.

Here is how I did it, stayed the course, handled the pain and shock, and pursued peace.

Point 1, I believe my Creator loves me more than anyone else can. Sometimes hard to feel, but then what need is faith if he showed up on my doorstep to give me a hug? If he did that, I would have proof and not need the faith.

Point 2, I believe that I am beholden to him to be pleasing to him with my life. My walk. And ALL that that entails. A servant's heart. From Psalm 18:19 ... he delighted in me.

So I just did it. Once I realized that all I HAD to do was believe in his love and live my life to honor that love, (You kinda gotta know the Bible pretty good to know what that entails) nothing else really matters.

For a while, he chose to bless me with RAPs love. Recently he chose not to and took it away. Took away a bunch of stuff I THOUGHT was important. Spoiled stuff I thought was sacred. Didn't change Point 1. Doesn't release me from Point 2.

He released me from my marriage vows about a month ago, told me it was OK to leave RAP. Said I had done what He asked. It was just a Spirit thing, if you don't know what I mean, you're not in the right church.

I chose to stay. Essentially I said to him, "You may have released me from what I said way back in August of 1990. I choose to say them again in May of 2004."

Point 1 not changed. Still not released from Point 2.

The other night, I verbally busted RAP pretty hard. All of a sudden I'm not keeping up my end of the bargain under Point 2. Never mind RAP. Yeah, she broke some promises, but that is not my issue. I am only Point 1 and Point 2 and I messed up my end of the bargain with Him. Got disciplined. Deserved it. Learned the lesson.

<strong>DON'T BREAK POINT 2</strong>

What RAP does or does not do, doesn't really matter. If I keep Point 1 and Point 2. He may choose to bless me through RAP. Then again, He may choose not to. He will give me everything he promised if my heart (meaning my independent will) is broken and my spirit contrite. (Again, kinda gotta know the Bible pretty good to know what those are). Basically, if I stay at peace. Once you walk out with enough faith, it's pretty easy. If I can do it, certainly you can.

I know what you are thinking, yeah, right. But I tried it tonight. Prayed about it. Came to RAP in peace. Asked some questions and got some HARD answers. She kept going. Told me all the stuff that was bothering her. SHOULD have been HARD in the flesh. SHOULD have been a big fight. It was peaceful.

It's all about keeping the promise. I know I'll mess up. Probably soon. But I learned my lesson and learned it well. I will be back in Point 2 as soon as I get stung.

Nothing RAP has done can deny me Point 1. As much as RAP loves me, it is not like Point 1. I have Point 1 and nothing else matters. Anything RAP gives me is really just a blessing "down here" for me being in Point 2.

<strong>Now say it. You goofy spiritual person. That is so corny. We live in a real world with real hurts and real problems.</strong>

Yeah. We do. But I have something to cling to.

<strong>Or how about what if He isn't really up there, won't you feel foolish?</strong>

No. I am peaceful. Don't really ever remeber "peaceful" as a bad state to be in. If He isn't up there, so what. I'm peaceful here.

<strong>OK. Then if your so much in Point 2, why did God let your wife do what she did? Why is he putting you through this pain? (Ever feel that, BS, I know you have).</strong>

God didn't let her do what she did. She has her own free will. As to why is he putting me through this pain? That's dangerous. Once you start playing THAT game, you start questioning Point 1. Many times I ask that question. Seldom do I get an answer. When I do, it is most assuredly because he chose to let me know out of mercy. He is just too complex for me to understand all the time. <strong>Doesn't change Point 1 or release me from Point 2, so what's the difference?</strong>

Do I have an answer for my current situation? No I don't. Shouldn't God be merciful and tell me why, I mean I am the BS after all? I don't know. Should He? Maybe He is or has and I just missed it. Probably when I was treating RAP badly.

But I can speculate...here are a few things that would be "worth" the pain.
(You have to remember that I personally believe Point 1 applies to all of us).

1. Long ago, RAP led me to the Lord. Saved my ETERNAL soul. How could I POSSIBLY pay that back? Forgiving her this is NOTHING compared to what she did for me.
2. If my pain and my epiphany helps 10 of you (or even one of you) in a small way when YOU felt hopless, or helps you cope with pain (He loves you to). It was worth it. (Again, a Spirit thing, I'm covered now and can take it).
3. If even ONE of you seeks and finds him because of my example, it MOST DEFINATELY was worth it.
4. (This one will make your skin crawl, but it's just your flesh). Maybe the OM and the OMW will see our marriage repair and strengthen and THEY will see the light.

You may be thinking a hard thought, thinking I am naive. You may be thinking "How can you say that, the OM soiled your wife!!" or "Look what she did to you!" To that I would say there WAS a big hunk of PRIDE that bothered me about that. Know what? Doesn't change Point 1, doesn't release me from Point 2. If it sounds stupid to you, let it. I'M at peace.

I do want to thank all of you for your support - your kind words and your hard words and you wisdom to know which ones to use. At this point in my trial, I feel that I spending a little too much time on MB and not enough building my marriage. So I am going to be gone for a while.

RAP needs me. My 3DS need me.

Thanks for listening.

ncwalker

Oh my gosh nc, are you and my hubby related????

Data driven, analytical, factual, that's my husband. When I confessed everything, it was the facts, just the facts - nothing thrown in his face, no gloating, etc and you know what he felt???

Peace.

You know what I felt?

Peace.

You are not a religious freak, you are not a bible thumper. You are human and God is someone more than we can grasp, more than we can ever imagine. He gives us hope, He gives us strength, He gives us courage, He gives us peace.

I have clung to him like never before. My hubby has clung to him like never before. We are both clinging to Him and each other, it's the only way through this mess.

Sometimes I think that God lets us fumble in order to bring us back to Him. It's not that He doesn't love us, it's that He wants us to see Him, IN ALL THINGS.

I should get my hubby to post on here. Since you two are so alike you both can have someone to lean on, who's been and is where you are at. Might help; worst that can happen is you two could come up with some data to analyze. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Chackler's in bed and hubby is up until the wee hours of the morning with NC discussing formula's, programming, etc... Chack stumbles in and says, "what are you doing?" and hubby says, "analyzing". Chack goes back to bed, to dream of canning plum jam... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Awesome post! I can relate because we had a similar experience on Sunday afternoon. I had been planning the confrontation for 2 months. I felt the God's strength and peace come over me during church on Sunday morning at church. God definately gave me what I needed to get through the afternoon.
The rest of this week has been incredible! My FWW told me last night that she loved me. A bit teary eyed she added " and you know what...for the first time in 5 years, I mean it." I am currently still in shock and scared to death.

I also believe that the answer to your rhetorical question as to why he puts us all through this....is so that we can learn to do a better job with your point 2.