I have been lurking for a few months. Here is the story. I had feelings months ago that my H was becoming distant, no sex, no conversation. I chalked it up as he works too much, comes home tired and is exhausted. I went away for a weekend and found things in his car that led me to believe that he had someone in his car. I know this particular person has been after him, but he had reassured me that it was nothing and she is nothing to him. Stupid me. I then in the next two weeks, found them together once in the afternoon and once at night in two differnt places. we fought argued, he said they were just friends, and that he talks to her about life. Many things have been said and talked about since then (may). He still says that he is not sure if he is supposed to be married or if he wants to be married. He still sticks to his story that there is no one else. I just have really strong gut feelings, and too many things have pieced together for me. Last night, he said he thinks he should leave, that the marriage is miserable. I just am scared for him to leave. I read all about plan B. He just will not tell me what is going on and what has happened. If he would admit to cheating, I think it would be easier to let him go away for a while. I am scared he will decide not to come back. He says he loves me still. We have been best friends. Everyone thinks we are perfect together, so that would be hard too. I just worry myself to death everyday about this. I want him to wake up and see what he has. We have no children, just each other. He also gets very defensive about things, which is another clue to me that he has guilt and is hiding things. How many people finally get the truth? It seems most here have had their spouses admit to them there is another in their life. He just can not do that. Thanks..

lovetoomuch -

I agree...there's too many signs that something is wrong...the defensiveness, "we're just friends" line, catching them alone together in two different places, not sure if he should be or wants to be married...all classic phrases/actions of a WS.

Have you read all of the information on this site? Read up on Plan A and start there.

I'm sure others will be along shortly to provide you with more direction.

Take care.

sss

<small>[ June 17, 2004, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>

I'm sorry you are here on this board. We're all here because of things that have happened in our lives. It sounds like the beginning of an emotional affair. Don't put your head in the sand. Get involved now. This was my mistake. I trusted my wife implicitly, even when I saw that she was becoming someone totally different than I knew. She was acting secretively and becoming distant. I just thought "that could never happen to me." So, I just let it go on. Meanwhile the affair got deeper and deeper right under my nose. The confrontation is as much for you as it is for him.

Stay posting on this site. It will really help you.

Love -

Do you have access to his cell phone records or does he use a computer at home? If he does I suggest getting a copy of spyware and loading it on your computer. If you need help with this I can help you.

I hate to say it and I'm sure you already know the truth...but it sounds like there's an EA going on at the least.

You can ask anyone on this site and they will tell you that their but revealed the A long before they had evidence.

All the signs are there. Have you read up on Plan A? You may also want to purchase HNHN and SAA. You're gonna needs this in the coming months. Stay on this site and let us help you.

Hopefully WAT, pepper, believer...or some other long time helper will see your thread and offer you more advice. I'm struggling with my own recovery right now and may not be able to offer the type of help you need.

Thanks so much for the feedback. I do have access to cell phone records. Only outgoing, and he knows better than to do that. He works at a resort and she is a member. She is out there constantly and I think phone calls are made from work phones. I know they see each other. Should I confront her, or just tell him that I know what is going on and I can not take it anymore. I am so not confrontational. He is not violent but I hate when our arguments get out of hand. I need to learn how to be stronger. I just do not know how to be if he leaves, even though I know we do not have much of a marriage right now. I still consider him my best friend. Am I too naive? I know everyone out at his work, and I know that this would be such a shock to know he is doing this and with one of the resort members. I do not think people would be shocked to know she is doing it. She has had a reputation of this, so that is why i know.

LTM -

If you have no hard evidence I would worry that he would deny deny deny and thus that would allow him to think he's getting away with it. Do you have a trusted friend that he works with that might help you out? It would be sticky to get someone else involved and that doesn't sound like a good idea.

I would think that a PI would be better for you. But if they meet at his work and see each other often there a PI might not even be helpful.

Does he ever use your computer at home?

If you have access to cell phone records but not out going calls there's really nothing you can do there. You could hire an attorney and they could requests those records but chances are the cell phone company or at least the people you speak to when you call won't be able to provide any other information.

Legally they have to capture this information and it has to be available for up to 6 months. This is something police use regularly and comes in handy when tracing someones whereabouts during the time of a crime.

I'm not sure you want to go that route but I can't think of any other way for you to bust him.

Can you afford a PI? You can go to Radio Shack and buy a phone tap. There's another lady that posts on this site that is doing that now. They are easy to set up and easy to hide but if your H is not making or receiving calls from home then this might not help you either.

What are your thoughts?