I have been married for 7 yrs. Since last year I have found numbers in my H's cell phone. He claims they are just friends, but when I heard the messages, it seemed like they were more than friends. I called 2 of them and they claim they did not know he was married with children. Even when I asked him to just come out with the truth, he still continues to lie.

So one day his phone rang and I decided to answer it. I said hello, and they hung up. They called back and I answered again. This time they said nothing and just sat on the phone.
He tells me there is nothing going on and that they are just friends. He also says the reason why he doesnt tell me about the females he talks to his because he thinks I'll get upset.
Well, I am upset now at the fact he keeps these secrets.

Am I wrong to be upset? I feel like I dont trust him anymore. He had been talking to these females since March and I am just finding out about them. Not only does he talk to them on his cell, but he calls them at work as well as they call him.

Is he cheating or am I just overreacting? Please help

Well, I don't want to give you some tainted answer because almost everyone on this website has either been cheated on or has cheated. But, it sounds like your husband is being less than truthful with you. Now, how far that's gone, who knows. But, for him to just say, "I didn't want to tell you because it would just upset you," is being untruthful by virture, he is withholding information from you. My hope for you is that nothing is going on, but everyone on this board has brushed shoulders with nightmarish situations. Even myself, got the news that I never dreamed I would get. My wife had had an A. I couldn't believe it, that could've never happened to me, but it did.

Don't settle with his short answers. Make him give you proof. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi confused -

BIG RED FLAGS!

Just the simple fact that your H is keeping his phone calls secret indicates inappropriate behavior/relationships.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He tells me there is nothing going on and that they are just friends. He also says the reason why he doesnt tell me about the females he talks to his because he thinks I'll get upset.
Well, I am upset now at the fact he keeps these secrets. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This sounds familiar. When I discovered H's last A a year ago, I also discovered that he had continued contact with this OW since his first A with her (in his first M about 11 - 12 years ago). He was really in an EA the entire time we were dating, living together, getting married, buying a house, etc. I had no idea. H tried to say that it was "no big deal"...they "were just friends". I asked him that if they were just friends, how come he felt that he had to keep it a secret (from me) that he was talking to her during the entire time I have known him. Guess what his answer was! Yep..."I was afraid you'd be upset."

This *friendship* allowed him to get back into a PA from 12/02 - 6/03.

You are not overreacting! At the very least, it appears your H is involved in EA's.

Keep checking and asking questions - and read everything on this site.

Take care.

sss

confused,

Is he cheating? Maybe, maybe not - and some of that depends on how a person defines "cheating". However there are clearly some problems.

He claims they are just friends, but when I heard the messages, it seemed like they were more than friends. I called 2 of them and they claim they did not know he was married with children. Even when I asked him to just come out with the truth, he still continues to lie.

"It seemed like they were more than friends" is pretty vague. Are they saying they love him? Are they talking about private lunches or other encounters?

Women who know him well enough to call him on his cell phone should also know him well enough to know he's M with children, in my opinion. NOTE that you cannot "prove" to him that you are right or that his behavior is wrong. I make my observation in an attempt to say your gut instinct is not failing you. Something is amiss - whether he's cheating or whether you and he haven't discussed appropriate boundaries with opposite sex friendships, whatever. Again, you can't "show" him he's wrong. You can only state how you feel and what you would like to change.

He tells me there is nothing going on and that they are just friends.
In my opinion, friends would be happy to talk to the wife, chat a little, and ask to speak to the husband. Friends wouldn't hang up or sit there saying nothing.

He also says the reason why he doesnt tell me about the females he talks to his because he thinks I'll get upset.
Have you? Perhaps it would help to tell him that it is important to you that you know who his friends are, whether they be male or female, but you especially need to know about the female ones. Then when he DOES tell you about a female friend, you should thank him for being honest and taking your wishes and feelings into consideration.

Well, I am upset now at the fact he keeps these secrets.
Does he know this? Have you made it 100% clear that you are upset over the fact that he's keeping secrets?
Does he think that secrets of omission (not telling you he converses wtih these women) is as much a lie as it would be if he were telling you he doesn't talk to them?

Am I wrong to be upset?
You are never wrong to have whatever feelings you have. How you choose to ACT, however, can be right or wrong.

I feel like I dont trust him anymore.
I wouldn't either. Have you told him this?

You and your H need to sit down and discuss what each of you find appropriate regarding opposite sex friendships. For example, you should think about whether you are threatened if your S goes to lunch with a person of the OS with no one else around (hint: most here would agree that's a big no-no).

I think if I were in your position, I'd tell H that because you didn't know about the friendships, they feel "secret" and "hidden" to you - whether or not that was his intent. I'd explain to him that hidden friendships with OW(s) make you feel threatened. I'd ask to meet these women. I'd watch H for his response. If he gets angry and defensive then something is probably up.

If you haven't already, you should read up on Love Busters and Emotional Needs - click the Concepts link beneath the Marriage Builders logo at the top of the page.

How do I make him give me proof? This has been going on since June of last year and it seems like he doesnt want to quit.
We used to live in Texas. I left and moved to Indiana because I couldnt take anymore of the lies. 6 months later he moves up here because he wanted to try to make our marriage work.
Now it seems as if he found a new batch to play on behind my back. I want to get out of it, but my heart says keep trying. He says doesnt want to leave but if I keep "nagging" him about this, I'm going to push him away. Why do I put up with this?

In Dr. Harley's books, I believe that he tells us that we shouldn't have friendships with people of the opposite sex with the exclusion of our spouse. We shouldn't discuss intimate details or marital problems with people of the opposite sex.

You may want to get the books 'Surviving an Affair', 'His Needs, Your Needs', 'Love Busters' and read them together. Also, 'Not Just Friends', by Shirley Glass, and 'Torn Asunder', by Dave Carder. All of these may be helpful to both of you.

You both want to understand the Rules of Protection. Look at the Rules for a Successful Marriage here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html

Share and discuss this material with him and hopefully, he may get an 'ah-ha' moment and and eye opener. He needs to see the damage his behavior has been causing to your marriage.

You can have a better marriage if you can grow from this experience.

<small>[ June 17, 2004, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

How do I make him give me proof?
#1 - Proof of what?
#2 - You can't make anyone do anything. You can make polite requests and avoid love busting. After that, it's up to them.

6 months later he moves up here because he wanted to try to make our marriage work.
This indicates there is a lot of good in your M, something to fight for.

Now it seems as if he found a new batch to play on behind my back.
What did the two of you do the first time to "make it work"?
Have you discussed boundaries?
Have you discussed honesty and communication?
Have you discussed repercussions?
Have you discussed how you will protect one another and the M?

He says doesnt want to leave
Another indicator that this can work.

but if I keep "nagging" him about this, I'm going to push him away.
True. So quit nagging. Read about Love Busters. Learn to work WITH him instead of AGAINST him. He has a lot to learn, too, don't get me wrong - but one of you has to take the first step, and you sound like you're better equipped to do that.