My WS told me last night he didn't think he ever really loved me. Married me thinking he could grow to love me like I should be loved. That he loves me now but not like a husband should. Blah Blah Blah...

I was wondering when the fog lifts or when they realize OP is not what they wanted do they change their story? Anyone reading this post have a similar situation where your spouse told you these things but now admits he/she was wrong?

I was really sad when he said these things. All these years all the cards, emails, phone conversations and the way he made me feel I guess were all a lie based on what he is saying. I am really hoping he realizes he doesn't mean what he said. Makes me feel like saying well then what's the use if he doesn't love me. Why would I want to be with him if he doesn't? I love him so much but he just made me so depressed with his words.

<small>[ June 17, 2004, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

Has he ended his affair? If he did then you do a good plan A.

Do not listen to his fog talking. I have read so many stories about this i do not love you crap. It is the same with ALL the wayward spouse. Trust me when i say that the symptome we go through are almost identical.

When you have been reading as much as i have then you will realise you are not alone in this. We all have been there and gone through it.

The only difference is time..some take short time and some take longgggg. In my case its a longgggg one.

Hang in there and read more. Reading will comfort you because then you will have the knowledge. Now you are completely unsure of what is happening and everything else. Read more...type search and read the old stories.

Cry if you have to then get back up on your feet and move on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

He hasn't seen her since Dec but still has almost daily phone contact. I have been trying to do a good Plan A but it is hard. Sometimes I just feel like telling him to do whatever.

Sad -

I heard these same words from my H. It was hard to hear and still very hard for me to deal with even though we are in recovery.

I can tell you that after the fog is lifted they see the error of their ways. Reality hit my H in the face like a Mac Truck.

He was so depressed and angry with himself I thought he would kill himself. It was terrible.

Exposure was the only thing that would lift the fog from my H. After exposure and the fact that he could no longer hide his actions he was a different person and had so much respect for me for standing by his side through all of his foggese.

Have you exposed the A yet? Family, friends, their boss if they work together (if you decide to go the work route).

FOG! FOG! FOG!

Keep reading, you'll see. My H told me the same thing. He's coming out of the fog now slowly and sees the error in this "fog" talk. Almost all the WS here say that.

SM, this is classic FOG TALK from a WS who is in the throes of an affair. They all say the same thing. You know darn good and well he has loved you all these years so you don't even need to question that. They revise history in order to justify their affair. Don't worry, once the fog wears off, reality will return.

SML - I have gotten the I love you but I am not in love with you line. I don't know if it is fog talk or it is really true. I am hoping with time he will realize that he does still love me and we can build a new life together. At this point, I'm doing what I can and time will tell.

He told me he cared for me, always would. And he hoped we could be friends. But he loves her, and he wants to be with her, and I am supposed to just go away.

Add mine to one of the ones that said they thought they hadn't loved me in the yrs....or didn't think he ever did...hadn't been happy for at least 20 yrs...He barely remembers saying any of that now in recovery.

He thought he was in love with OW...now he doesn't believe he ever actually was...doesn't define it as love anymore. He thought he had a connection with OW...soulmate...didn't feel connected to me...

Yes, they rewrite history. They create complaints to justify their guilt. They become distant and irritable at home. All typical stuff from the A handbook.

They can get over it and become the best, most attentive H, and realize they always did really love you after all and can't believe what a fool he was during the A.

Sad,

I don't want to be the bucket of cold water on you, and if you need to please disregard this post.

But maybe he does mean it.

My XH did. I'm coming around to the belief that it really was a mistake for us to marry. He never really did love me the way I loved him. As evidenced by our always below-average sex life. By our less than fulfilling emotional connection. Now, I always believed we could work to make these deficets better. I think we could have made this marriage work, or at least tried harder for our very young son. But he never felt that way for me, and after all, I don't want to be married to a man who doesn't love me the way I love him.

I worry sometimes that people getting advice on this site are bombarded with rationales of "it's the fog" and "they all say that, don't believe it." It certainly seems that many WS follow the same script, and spout out the same nonsense to their BS to justify their otherwise inexcusable behavior. I sympathize with you, and I know you posted this in the hopes that people would rush to assure you that of course he doesn't mean it and he'll come back to you because the OW is trash and it was all fantasy to begin with.

But Sad, you have to look out for you, and your children if you have any. Because no one else in this situation is. Not WS, not OW. Be there for him, wait as long as you can for him to turn things around, but don't sacrifice yourself or your self-esteem. He may mean the things he says, he may not. You take care of yourself whatever he decides. No one else is going to.

Best hopes for you.

Carla

SML: Do you trust your own judgment and memory? Probably not right now, if you're typical. Look at old pictures (or video if you have any) of times when you remember feeling love and closeness. How does he appear there? Can you remember different loving times that you are sure he couldn't have been "faking it" that well?

My H also gave me the "I never loved you, our marriage was a mistake, we've never been happy together" shpiel. I would bring up specific instances from the recent past where he had shown and told me he loved me very much and was very happy. He would just get a very angry, distant, sort of spacey expression, like he was tuning me out and mentally going elsewhere. He had no response when I asked him if that was real or if he'd been lying. I think that's a pretty strong indication of fog. "Fog" is a conscious and unconscious denial of reality to avoid feelings of shame and guilt. If a person refuses to acknowledge evidence that the world might not be entirely what they are purporting it to be, that's an indication of fog.

It's possible that he never had strong feelings for you but unlikely that you could've been married to him for years without picking up on that.

I too have questioned WS's true feelings 100's of times. First it was: I don't love OW, then I love her, then I love OW but I still have deep feelings for you, then I never loved you, then I'm in love with you both and now it's I'm in love with her but I will always love you. It's a rollercoaster. I believe once OW is out of his life he will see her for what she is. Fog talk, yes. At some point I have to believe WS loved me and still does. I have dozens of love letters he's written over the years. I have such wonderful memories. One year for Valentine's day he drew my portrait. It's just right now he is in a fog. Believes OW's lies because he doesn't want to admit he's made a mistake. You have to look at the actions from the past and see if they are going along with the present. I honestly felt WS loved me, it's something I felt deep down in my heart and soul. I still do at times. That's what makes it so damn hard. As long as he's with OW he won't allow himself to feel any of the old feelings. I have to believe it's too hard for him to do so.

SML, I got that too. When he told me about his first affair, he said that he didn't love me. What I didn't know at the time was that he was already emotionally involved with current OW and this was why he said the things he did. It took D-day and exposure to make him realize what an a$$ he is and that he really loves me and our boys very much and doesn't want to lose us. It took over a year for him to come to that conclusion.

I feel for you sweetie. Hang in there.