D-Day May 22. I know that I am only a little over 3 weeks in but I am not coping well at all. I keep getting bits and pieces of the story and my ww keeps lying to me. She has agreed to NC nor has she shown any willingness to go to MC. The affair has been going on for 5 years what a blow. She promised to be open and honest and tell me when he calls but she has lied repeatedly. I am in contact with the OM's wife and I am being honest with her. She is as devastated as I am. Both of them are continuing to lie. I know MB says give at least 3-6 months but I don't know if I can do it. I am so angry and hurt I can't stand it. I have not in the last 3 weeks LB but my tongue is sore from biting it. I really think her plan is to leave after our youngest son leaves for college in August. The only problem she has is she does not have a job. I am considering seeing a lawyer-any advice on that one? I have never cheated on her but her betrayal has me tied up in knots. I don't know if I can overcome this. One minute I want to save the marriage and the next I say they deserve each other. Any advice will be appreciated. We took a trip last weekend and talked the whole way (11 hours) down and back. She told me that if he left his wife she would feel obligated to go to him. I asked what about the obligation to me and our 3 children(28,25 and 18)-no answer. So can I do other than pray?

she has not agreed to nc-sorry for that

Have you read all the infidelity articles this site has to offer? (NOT just the discussion forum ... but the "concepts" part of the site)

Are you reading any of the many infidelity books?

Have you spoken to your physician and been guided through your medication options?

Even if you divorced her tomorrow... it would NOT lessen the devestating pain and anguish you feel in your chest.

Try to take this one hour at a time for now.

Is your W telling you why she felt she needed to cheat? Has she been unhappy for a long time?

Pep

PS ... expose the affair to YOUR parents and to your WIFE'S parents.

Do this today.

A phone call....

"I am sorry to tell you, this breaks my heart ... [wife] has been cheating on me for 5 years with [rat]. She refuses to stop seeing him. I need your help. I am unraveling. Will you help me?"

Make these calls TODAY .... your wife is not going to like being out in the open ... but exposing the affair to the light of day is your only hope at this point.

Pep

<small>[ June 17, 2004, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pep,
All 3 of her sisters know her 80 year mother knows but is no help. Her father will be here for the weekend but he also cheated on his 1st wife and is no divorced and remarried. I have read all the concepts and His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. She is reluctant to read the books or be on the web site. I'm trying hard but I can't be kept in limbo for too much longer.

Pep,
To answer your other questions she has been unhappy for long time but I was not listening. I was honestly trying to be her husband. She said she was lonely. I played a part in this but I did not choose to be unfaithful she did. She claimed and maybe rightfully so that I was angry at her all the time. Maybe I was. But there are other options such as separation before she had an affair. She only stayed with me because of the money I provided and our young son who is now 18. I feel so used.

Originally posted by hopefulinnc:

To answer your other questions she has been unhappy for long time but I was not listening.

Why weren't you listening? Do you have any obvious gaps in your communication skills?

I was honestly trying to be her husband.

What does this mean ...? exactly? Does this mean you were being the husband you wanted to be, and perhaps not the husband your wife needed?

She said she was lonely.

Why might she feel lonely? What (past) behavior of yours gives this arguement power?

I played a part in this but I did not choose to be unfaithful she did.

I understand... no excuse for immoral activities. EVER ...

However, if you want ot go through this affair rollercoaster learning some MIGHTY lessons along the way ... you might as well start now!

She claimed and maybe rightfully so that I was angry at her all the time.

Take out the "maybe". Why are you angry ... even befor the affair?

Maybe I was.

No maybe. Accept the reality. Once you accept the reality you gain POWER to change.

But there are other options such as separation before she had an affair.

Yes... we know. I am BS also. But 8 years recovered.

She only stayed with me because of the money I provided and our young son who is now 18. I feel so used.

Wellllllll

she does love you .... but, can't you appreciate that it is difficult to love an angry man?

PS.... you don't have to answer my questions ... just think them over and ask yourself all the really HARD questions.

Pep

I was angry. I was trying to control her. I know it was wrong but I did it anyway. I also withdrew from her because I can not verbally spar with her she is much more verbal than I am. I admit I f***** up big time. But since D-Day I have not been angry with her and she stills lies to me. I am trying very hard to change.
She told me over and over that she was lonely. I didn't listened. I am asking the hard questions. I am kicking myself in the [censored] for my part in this. I was so stupid.

If kicking your own [censored] would improve your marriage .... I'd say "have at it"... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

but it will NOT improve your marriage ... so I say ... just stop already!

How long can you go (talking about in your home now) without saying ~anything~ mean or nasty or sarcastic? AND not giving ~looks that kill~ ... ?
Pep

Anser this one.... NOT in context of the affair....

I am angry all the time because............

pep I don't know the answer to how long I can do it. I have been at for 3 weeks now. I know that is not a long time. She has only worked sporadically in 28 years. She needs to feel consequences. I support her financially nut I haven't supported her emotionally until 3 weeks ago. Today is a really bad day for me because I discovered another lie she told me. I'm on my pity pot.

" I'm on my pity pot. "

How's the view from there?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

they view sucks

I thought you might say:

"The view is crappy"

~~~~~~~~~

Then get up off the ~pot ~ and go do something that you can be proud of.... that will lift your spirits.

Are there any drug, alcohol, or porn issues in your family?

Pep

<small>[ June 17, 2004, 09:48 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

To answer your question about drugs. alcohol and porn. My ww has a problem with pot and alcohol. I too drink too much but have really tappered off since d-day. My drinking was a way to tune her out. There was never any physical abuse at all. As for porn it is not a problem because I find much of it disgusting although I have viewed porn on occasions but I have no porn obessions or compulsion. I did sit down last evening and compose a Plan B letter but I haven't shared with her yet. This weekend will be a busy one as my son receives his Eagle Scout award and her father and all the children will be in for the ceremony and the celebration afterwards. I am very proud of my son and won't do anything to ruin his weekend.

Not to be harsh...but move on. She doesn't want to make it work and it does sound a little like you're being used. I have a divorced sister on LI if that helps!!! She'd love someone who wants to be committed to one person.