I have done much research here about recovering from infidelity (and more to go) but a question I haven't seen addressed here (or seen yet)is do I tell the H spouse what he has been doing with my W or will that just add to the problems? Love buster?? Is there proper etiquette as to who to tell? IE: family, friends, and what do you tell them? Post you experiences or suggestions. Thanks again, Brad!

Hi dandydude, welcome to MB. Sorry you are here.

There are no hard and fast rules, but usually you would want to tell the OP's spouse under all circumstances. They need to know about it and it also helps reduce the chances that the affair is not resumed.

If the affair has ended you probably wouldn't want to tell family and friends, though. The main reason for telling the latter is to put pressure on the affair to end and to gain support for the BS. If it is already ended, there is usually no reason to tell them, though.

Depends on the situation:

Ongoing affair: Anyone who can exert pressure.
OP's spouse, mom, dad, priest, 3rd grade teacher.

Affair already ended - There is some debate on this point. Should the OP's spouse be told? Pbjectively yes, but maybe not by you. Well we have a collision of two principles here and one of them is No Contact. Tell the OP's spouse and OP will call YOUR spouse right away. Your single best bet right now is for him to be scared to death of you opening your mouth. He's a coward, he will suffer plenty worrying about that. Let him squirm and be afraid to go near your wife. This isn't your job... unless contact resumes. If contact resumes then all bets are off and you consider contact as an assault on you family - the gloves come off and it is fight like hell time.

You also have a nice WMD in the closet - if you suspect he may contact your wife let him know that if he does you will first tell his wife and then the judge at his divorce hearing.

Again, ain't no such thing as fighting dirty when fighting to preserve your marriage. Fight to win and fight smart.

hope that helps.

Dear 2, WS said it was over. ( She states she was looking for a way out) After the DD I let him know that I would tell his wife if it didn't get broken off between them. The problem is they work together. And 2 weeks ago I caught them on the phone talking about me. Needless to say it got my heart pumping. So as long as they work together I cannot trust it is over. they have to talk to eachother for work issues at least. I am silly to think this can work while they are employed together. In your opinion would you use the WMD at this point and make the call? AND do I tell the WS my plan? Aint life wonderful...Trying to keep my sense of humor.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your sense of humor is all ya got, keep it.

First some perspective - I'm a former WS.

I've spent the better part of two years talking with a lot of other WS's and one thing we seem to agree on is that we would have kept it p as long as we could get away with it. It wasn't until sometime AFTER the contact was broken that I was really trustworthy again.

If they work together and she was talking to him on the phone then hell yes I would tell his wife.

Initially your wife and peckerhead are going to be VERY angry with you. yes, you sir are an unreasonable [censored] who has no respect for your wife's boyfriend's right to lie and cheat in secret. Shame on you.

Number 2 is that she and he can't work together, they can't be friends, they can't go bowling or play brige together. One lesson you will see repeated here over, and over, and over is that 99% of the old timers say no contact is imperative. A VERY HIGH percentage of WS's will tell you outside public earshot that if they could have found a way to keep getting away with it they would have.

No contact breaks the affair while the WS has a chance to rebuild and repair their own integrity. It does not happen overnight. Generally though there is a 'lightbulb' moment when they understand what they have done and it hits them like a truck... they get better quickly after that.

Yes, tell OM's wife and ask her help. If they were talking about you behind your back the affair is ongoing, sex or not. She is betraying your trust while confiding in him - sex is a detail.

Nail him and get a second set of eyes on your side. Occasionally (very) this move results in the affair couple deciding to strike off together. DO NOT panic if that is threatened, once you add bills, responsibilities, farts, morning breath and the other portions of reality that suck into the equation, 'paradice' gets some big ole rain clouds rolin in.

Hang int here - it's a series of sprints early on but in the long run it IS a long rn... pace yourself, even keel, deep breaths, back straight.. you'll handle this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by adandydude:
<strong> Dear 2, WS said it was over. ( She states she was looking for a way out) After the DD I let him know that I would tell his wife if it didn't get broken off between them. The problem is they work together. And 2 weeks ago I caught them on the phone talking about me. Needless to say it got my heart pumping. So as long as they work together I cannot trust it is over. they have to talk to eachother for work issues at least. I am silly to think this can work while they are employed together. In your opinion would you use the WMD at this point and make the call? AND do I tell the WS my plan? Aint life wonderful...Trying to keep my sense of humor.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">dandy, I would definitely call the OMW, but you don't want to tell your W. She will forewarn the OM who will then go home and tell his W that some "jealous nut is going to call you...." And then she will never get the full story. She can be a huge help in ending this affair.

That being said, as long as they work together, the affair will probably not end. They can't possibly get over that addiction if they see each other every day. You don't even want to back down on this point, dandy. I promise you months and years of HELL if you do.

2ofakind, You made me laugh. "Peckerhead" thats a good one hehe <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Also Thx Melody, Geezzz, I have been to this board only 2 days and feel better now than I have after years of counseling. D*mn...where is that phone book....gotsta make a phone call. Thanks guys u r all B E A UTIFUL Thx again!