<small>[ July 29, 2004, 04:23 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Kas,

glad to see you are sticking around <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So glad you are back!

Dear Foreverlearning,

You have inspired me truly with your openess and honesty of your struggles and your doubts and a million other things that an affair can do.

I have followed them through and do care, though am trying to get in shape myself.

If you only knew how I was almost so close to contact, just to find out why me? The more contact you will have with OM the more you will be struggling with 'emptiness' doubt and confusion.

Believe me I AM.Please keep sharing. It is so helpful and has been as I said before one of things that made me come in to MBs.

Take care,

Kas

Dear RAP...

Thanks too! In my humble pride for what it's worth I am back!

haven't got a clue who you all are, just that I knew I needed you all in my life right now, and hopefully for a while.

I drive round in the day in the car and think of you all (is that sad??)

Seriously, I will try smiley lips instead of pouting ones...(When I understand how to make smileys get on these posts)

Kas

W

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You might wake up tomorrow and find yourself gazing upon 100 pink plastic lawn flamingos surrounding your house... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I often wish I had a poutier mouth... more like Bernadette Peters' pout .... sort'a like lips after a bee sting pout... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

take it easy BV ... this recovery business is a long haul... don't burn yourself out with all your mental and emotional flips... save your strength.

remember... this is a marathon, not a sprint....

Pep

OK ... Had to get my silly-side taken care of first....

NOW, here is my actual suggestion (to all of you girls)

Start a new thread ... sum'pin like

** Pouty-lipped girls NC support group**

Whatever.... you name it...

and give yourselves the support you need to maintain NC...

This worked for others on a different forum I used to frequent....

so, give it a try.

Pep

Dear Pepperband,

Thanks for your recent post and idea of starting that thread..

take it easy BV ... this recovery business is a long haul... don't burn yourself out with all your mental and emotional flips... save your strengt

Will try my best in this. I will save my 'flips' for maple pancakes..

I don't think I could conjure up a satisfactory immage of 100 pink plastic flamingos on my lawn..I love gardening and I particularly like the 'natural' look ie wood, woodbark, stonework and 'oldy worldy' things..

By the way, why do you say sex, death and chocolate in that order??

I would want the chocolate (iam a chocoholic) before death..

Thanks for your post,

Kas

Glad to see you are still here. Don't give up on us and we won't give up on you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Dear Believer,

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it very much.

I am always struck how you end your posts.

It is so true. Sometimes God doesn't quieten the storm but quietens His child.

It is harder to trust when storms are raging, but I have found faith deepens. Am still working on this in my life.

3 things just came to me which I want to work on:

Repentance
Reliability
Restoration

Thanks again,

Kas

broken vessell...reading your posts is like reading my own a few months back. If you get the chance go back and read some of my old ones. I won't repeat them here. I will say that I too have struggled with feelings for OM (we still work together)!! I will also say that I felt/feel something for him that was true and I believe will always be a part of me <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . I struggled for so long about these feelings and the fact that he never felt the same for me. Ask KiwiJ and Mrsx...they have talked me through me "crisis" situations over the last year. My d-day was July 9th of 2003 and I have just gotten to the point of the last month that I don't dwell on it.

I felt so used and cheap for so long because I felt like I "whored" myself out to a man who never even professed having feelings for me and I knew that but yet I still slept with him. God help us all!! BV...if I could give you one bit advice it would be this...Don't try and figure out your feelings for OM or your H. Work on yourself and I'm going to recommend this book one more time here on MB, it has been a Godsend to me. "Freedom from the Ties that Bind" buy Guy Finley. BV, this book will change your entire outlook. You can order it from his website. I wanted to understand how and why I fell prey to this predator that I allowed to prey upon me. You see, he has now had 4 affairs including me and his w doesn't know about any of them.

I truly have gotten to a place where I've let go of the need for his love/affection to define who I am. It feels good to be moving in the right direction. I have many issues that have been there for a long long time and my A brought a lot of these to surface. God still has a way of turning fiery trials into victories for us. I am praying for you and know this, you have a friend here who truly knows what you're going through!!

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 04:25 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with is the fact that my OM did tell me constantly through talking, txts that He DID genuinely care, and loved me, though He wasn’t ‘free’.

blah blah blah

He sent so many intimate and loving and believable txts

blah blah blah

I tried to get direct answers from him, but he always assured me his feelings were genuine.

blah blah blah

You are so right. I was needing his love and affection to define who I was.

Nooooo


You were needing his "blah blah blah"....If you want a real close look at GENUINE love expressed by loving actions .... look at your H. He sticks by you .... even tho he may not be full of "blah blah blah" .... he is loyal and faithful and he is devoted to YOU ....

BY HIS ACTIONS.

Words are cheap.

Where the rubber meets the road is where actions do the talking.

Pep

BV...Reading your story sounds so much like mine. I too thought that I could never lower myself to ever get involved in an adulterous relationship. Never say never I learned! I too have been through the begging God for forgiveness and restoration. He is right there and has already forgiven you BV. You must forgive yourself and ask God to reveal to you what issues in your heart led you to this relationship with OM. This book will reveal amazing things to you about yourself and your need to search outside yourself for affirmation.

I have finally reached the point where I no longer place the blame on anything or anyone and
I don't constantly berate myself for what I did. That's a big step. I know that you miss what you thought OM gave you but that is all the fantasy of how you thought OM made you feel. If you will remember back BV, those "feelings" were fleeting. It was an escape to fogland where you forget about your problems for a while and have your needs met. You don't need this man in your life to make you happy or to complete you! You will realize that.

Amen - Lisa, Nice to hear you say it and even better knowing you are feeling it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

BV it takes time, but you will come around. Stay strong, the more time passes the better you will feel and the more ridiculous you will see the OM's hold was on you.

KY
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BV,

I was going to stay out of this thread as it seemed you ladies are doing so well talking amongst yourselves, but you said something I really felt the need to address. You stated </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with is the fact that my OM did tell me constantly through talking, txts that He DID genuinely care, and loved me, though He wasn’t ‘free’. He sent so many intimate and loving and believable txts etc that It is still painful to take it in it was all a ‘fabrication’ to ‘win me over’. Lisa I struggle with that SO much. The pain is a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I tried to get direct answers from him, but he always assured me his feelings were genuine. That doesn’t make what I did right, I know, and it was sin on my part to respond to him, but the deep pain is still there.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BV, please stop and think about this for a moment. What I am going to say is NOT meant to make you feel bad but to offer you some perspective.

Your OM was a clergyman, what is his job?? IT is to make people BELIEVE. What is the image of a clergyman, it is one of loving EVERYONE. The "love your neighbor as you love yourself, sort of thing.

He "loves everyone" to some degree and he is skilled at touching peoples hearts and souls so that they may BELIEVE as he does. But, can he give himself to everyone? No! You do realize that the famous saying by Weismann applies here big time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The opposite of love is NOT hate but indifference. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your OM did not hate you either. You need to address the fact that you met a need within him, but that need could had has been met by many women. He did not HATE you. But, he was able to touch you, because he is trained to do that. Your H was able to sense what was in this man's heart, because clearly this man set himself up to handle women NOT men. A clear sign that he had big problems with his faith. You very likely could NOT have seen this, because of his skill.

You do realize that you had free will, that you could have listened to your H, that you could have chosen to honor yourself. Those things you need to address, but your focus on the OM is simply your denial that you were fooled and then you acted foolishly.

But, BV, do as Pep suggested look at actions NOT words, that is a man's language. I realize your H's actions have not impacted your heart as much as your OM's words, but it is time you realized that actions carry with them a much deeper commitment than mere words do. You need to accept your decisions, and then decide what is more important to you: actions or words. In the case of OM you only got words. In the case of your H you have gotten action and words, and they have been supportive of you, protective of you, and they came at a time of his deepest pain caused by you.

Stop and weigh each man carefully, and see if you can determine which is real and which is not. I think when you can do that, you will come to realize where your heart, your focus, and your thoughts should be. Your focus on the OM is an attempt to deny reality and stick with the fantasy he wove.

I will return this thread to you ladies. I apologize for barging in.

God Bless,

JL

Hi. Just a quick note. I have followed this thread today, but am just able to absorb today.

JL,

Your post brought me to tears. The quote from BV about the words her OM wrote hit home. We all know in our head now the truth, it's just getting it into the heart.

I am not doing anything wrong today....breaking NC, pining(hope not?), but definitely not having victory in the head to heart department.

Anyway, BV,

Am enjoying your honesty and posts with all you smart, growing women.

JL,

Your viewpoint and willingness to share from a man's perspective is priceless. It has helped so much. Thanks.

Pam

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 04:26 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 04:27 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

BV... You ask how long will it take for these feelings to go away. I still have "feelings" for OM and I hate to admit that. I don't obsess over it anymore though and I have had to work with him for a year since A ended. It's been hell. I wanted to share with you an experience at church a few months ago. We had a visting evangelist there speaking that morning and his message was on "Getting to Jesus", regardless. He used a lot of stories from the Bible.

He opened up the altar for prayer at the end of the service and many people went up. I knew that God was dealing with me because my heart was beating really fast and I was wrestling over whether to go or not. Well, I decided to go up. Figured I had nothing to lose. I didn't tell this evangelist anything about what I needed prayer for but he started talking to me as if he knew my whole situation.

He told me that I had held on to this for too long and that it was time to let go. He told me to quit taking all the blame for what had happened. Back during that time I kept having a reocurring dream about being on a dark road and not being able to find my way back home. He also mentioned this when he was praying for me. He said "You've been on this dark road for too long and it's time to find your way home". It makes me cry even now just thinking about it. What an awesome God we serve. He knows right where you are BV, never forget that and we are all his children!!