Hi, I'm the WS, quick background. Dh and I were having difficulties for a long time. Met someone who was easy to talk to. While out alone one night ran into this person, and allowed the relationship to escalate into a one time PA. It was nice until we got going, and then I couldn't wait to leave the room.

DD was 3 mo. ago. I confessed to dh what happened. I have a question about talking about the subject. We've talked, we've fought, we've cried, we've apologized...

dh brings it up about once a week to argue and generally tell me that sometimes I just make him sick because I'm a wh0re...I won't go into all the details. Although, I know there is no justification for my sin, it kills me that he does that. I know I did wrong, I confessed my wrong to him, I've worked hard on my M since than. Doubly hard. Always account for my time, I am even looking for a new job closer to home so dh won't worry so much about me being at work.

I understand he'll talk about it for a while, but meanwhile, I am constantly living in fear of talking about the subject. I believe I am getting an ulcer from the stress. I've hit depression pretty hard. I cry at the drop of a hat. I've had NC with AP since two days after PC. I told them I couldn't do that again. DD was nearly 3 weeks later.

I'm not sure what I'm asking...I mean I know I can't wave a magic wand and it all disappear (although that's what I wish would happen) but how do you cope with your spouse bringing up the subject. I know I tense up, and I just wait for the questions all over again, and the accusations, and the name calling...then dh calms down and we're fine for a few days.

advice?

relevance,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. It's a mixed bag when someone new joins the ranks. Sad to see the new face, glad they've found the site.

You have done a lot of things right - confessing to your H, having NC with OM, looking for a job closer to home, accounting for your time. Those are all big steps and some of them awfully hard to do.

Your H, like all BS, will need to revisit the A over and over again, for many reasons. SDFR describes them very well in this post. The thread may not be particularly relevant to you, but I do encourage you to read that post.

That said, your H certainly shouldn't be picking fights and calling you a whore. Please read the information on this site about Love Busters so that when you talk to your H you can avoid the type of communication pitfalls that seem to be plaguing him. As you read, you'll likely be tempted to let some of the info fuel anger for your H (it affects me that way sometimes). Please focus on your own behavior as you read that info. It takes TWO to argue, and if you avoid LBs your H will scarcely be able to hold an argument all by himself, will he?

Also realize that his hateful remarks are borne of hurt, and fear. Try to hear the hurt and fear in what he says.

Finally, you might say to your H that you desperately want to work through all this with him, and answer all his questions, and resolve the problems that you know exist in the M. Let him know that YOU have a hard time remaining calm when he calls you a whore. Note that you don't tell him he's wrong, you tell him how YOU shut down when he exhibits certain behaviors.

Ask him if he would be willing to agree on following the Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation with you.

If you could create a little signature (click on "My Profile" link just below the MB logo at top of page, then fill in the signature block) it will help folks get a "quick picture" of you and your situation so that responses are more relevant and on target to your particular situation. Helpful information inludes who is the WS and BS, ages, how many children and ages, time and duration of A, how long NC has been in place.

Again, welcome - and do keep posting!

Hi,

So sorry you are here. He is probably having a hard time coping. I am a BS. What he is doing is wrong. He is emotionally abusing you. I know where you are coming from. I experienced what you are experiencing a long time ago in my first marriage. I was the WS. Husband did everything you are talking about. I tried MC and he still could not let it go. Maybe you could try seeing if he will read surviving an affair. I hope for your sake he will come around. He is doing nothing to help you.

I'm sorry, relevance, but most of what you've described is your lot in life for a little while.

You have to remember how badly you've hurt him. You have to think about how much you want your marriage back.

Yeah, it's going to be tough and you have more of that road to go. Stay focused on the prize of getting through this.

I'd say the best response when he has episodes is to respond with huge amounts of unconditional remorse, apology, reassurance, honesty, and gratitude that he hasn't booted you out. Work hard to avoid being defensive. Don't sull up. Don't fight. Don't make excuses. Don't run. Don't hide.

For example:

He says "You're a slut!"

You say "You have every right to be angry. I'm sorry for what I've done. I'm sorry for how I've hurt you. I love you and don't want to lose you."

He'll eventually get to a point where the two of you can begin addressing the issues that corroded your marriage without becoming angry.

Visualize how you will handle these conflicts in your mind. Try to compartmentalize your hurt for a bit so you can help him get through his. Once you get past this, you can begin to deal with your hurt.

He's kind of like a man on fire right now. You have to help him put the fire out before the two of you can begin to heal.

Buy SAA and HNHN. Great books.

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