I don’t start a lot of topics, but this issue has been on my mind lately. I am primarily addressing the parents that have been touched by infidelity, but anyone can respond of course.

For the BS out there. How much did the fact that you had children play in the decision you made to reconcile, or not reconcile, with your spouse?

For the WS. Same question.

Here is my answer, along with a little background information. I was the WS. I was a child of divorce. I know the devastation that divorce CAN play in a child’s life. I know that in some situations, divorce can be the best of two bad options though.

Anyway, I was/am determined not to afflict divorce on my children if at all possible. Having kids played a major part in my decision to “return” to the marriage. If I didn’t have them I probably would have left the marriage.

The scars of infidelity run deep. I wonder if they ever truly heal. It seems that months and months can go by and then my wife still feels the need to pick off the scab . . .If I had my choice I would close this sordid chapter of my life and try to make a new start. It would be nice to be in a relationship (or alone for that matter) without my hair-shirt with the Scarlet A. It would be nice to just be a normal guy again.

My A was over almost 3 years ago.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

CN,

Interesting question. Boy, do I fit a few profiles. I have two daughters by my first husband and am remarried.

Did having children play any part in my decision to D my first H? Yes but believe it or not that was what tipped the scales in my decision to D. Things were awful, H wasn't into the M, I was crying all the time - you know the drill. One afternoon one of my daughters came to me and asked me to read them a story - a simple one, a children's book. I said "No, honey, Mommy's too tired to read you a book." Well the tiredness was depression, and I knew it. I wasn't ill, I wasn't sleep deprived... I was totally depressed and as a result was beginning to be a stinking parent. I truly was a better parent, almost immediately after we separated. Like a Plan B, I could focus on myself and my children without the pain of my H in my face all the time.

With my current H, the fact that I have children also played a big role in my decisions. I decided to reconcile in large part because my children had already had a lot of trauma and upheaval in their lives. My current H has been willing to look at our problems and make changes for the better. We're not "there" yet but for now I feel like we're taking some baby steps every once in a while.

I guess bottom line is, having children makes me give that extra, that "one last try" (a few times now). But I won't stay in an emotionally unhealthy environment solely because I have children.

Hi,

With first Marriage I decided to divorce because of abuse of me and child.

With second Marriage I decided to divorce because husband beat me in front of kids.

With third marriage I am trying to reconcile but kids have nothing to do with this decision. I just love this man. But I may have to divorce him too because he refuses to go to marriage counseling.

For us, our baby is the #1 reason we are reconciling. I'm very practical and I realized that if we were to divorce, FWS and I would still have to be friends because of our daughter. We'd still have to work on our 'relationship' to make sure our baby was okay.

So I figured if we're gonna work on our communication if we were apart, we might as well work on it while we are married. Before the end of the A, I thought this would be a "let's see how it goes" kinda thing.

But it turns out we are recovering and fully engaged in our M. I'm so happy for all of us.

I was the BH, I decided to stay together because we already had two children. I looked at her lovers child as God's way of testing me. During the years (19) I gave up many other things in order to try to keep the family together.

Nothing changed her. When the children were 18, 16, & 11, she left us all to "find herself. I think she is still looking. Five years later, I married my wonderful present wife. First wife has been through 4 or 5 marriages since then.

The main concern is the children. The two girls go our of their way to not be like their mother. I think our boy doesn't trust women. He will be 40 in October, not gay, and still not married. Oh well, one tries one's best.

I hope this helps. Be excellent to each other.

Added profile to signiture line.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For the BS out there. How much did the fact that you had children play in the decision you made to reconcile, or not reconcile, with your spouse? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My kids played a major part in why I stayed...or least why I had given it another chance after DDay #2. The top reason was because I still loved him deeply and knew the man he had become was not him (alien abduction theories? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) but my children having a loving, stable environment is one of my priorities. If my M with H ever becomes like it was, and I have tried everything, I'd leave because my home and M would cease to be a loving, stable environment.

"Tiresome and often spurned-child" here.

One of the main reasons I waited to get divorced was because of my kids.
None of our parents or grandparents were divorced. (My Mom's Mom was divorced way back in 1920, way before my Mom was even born)

After the first year my wife was gone, I asked my oldest what she thought if her Mom was to return. She (daughter) told me she would be extremely pissed at me if I tok her back.

When I told them I had filed for divorce and had to go to court, they jumped up (almost ecstatic) and wanted to go too. They didn't go.

Then, they both said, "Let me tell her!", again very excited. I told them that was not something kids do & I will do it as her (ex) husband.

Hi CN,

My daughters played a big part in my journey over the past 9 months.They were always my main concern,that is after I got through the first several weeks of torture and pain from finding out about my WH's infidelity.Those weeks were jsut about ME surviving and not taking myself out of this world.

Several weeks ago I made the decision to D my WH.It hurts me deeply because I too am a child of divorce,I know that pain and I also wanted to grow old with my H and give my girls the best family situation to grow and learn in.I was determined.I was even determined after my WH came home the second time to reconcile.There has been no D on my WH's side of the family either,a big disappointment and a lot of anger/sadness from my In-Laws too.

I knew that we could have a better marriage but he never really gave us that chance.He couldn't be faithful and he couldn't be selfless,he was, all this time completely selfish.I have to let him go.I cannot go on in this painful situation doing all the work alone anymore.Even despite how I know it will hurt my children when I have to tell them.And that time is coming soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know my WH will not stop me.He is using my pain to his advantage,so he can say that I made the decision,that it's my fault.That he can say well,we are divorcing so I don't have to do anything.Yeah,like usual.He can twist it and turn it around to say well,SHE is the one that ended our marriage so he is free.I really don't even think it crosses his mind how badly this will hurt our girls.All he can see is being free to be with homewrecker and who knows,marry the ***** ** ***** because I am sure that's in her agenda.Puke.

Being alone now is the best option for me.My WH wants desperately to have my friendship but that isn't going to happen.He can't destroy my life,our marriage and family and then get to talk to me and spend time with me.NO WAY.His loss.Let's see if the homewrecker can carry it all.She will have to be everything for him to prevent him from straying again.He is very needy and he is about to lose his wife,best friend of 20 years and children and family time as he knew it.I want him out of my life for good.

o