My W has re-entered the fog. She had an A from Sep. ’02 to my discovery in Aug ’03 (at the same time, I also found out about another A she had in med school 10 years ago). I thought she was in recovery, but she was really in withdrawal. She had several “innocent” phone/email contacts with him until Dec ’03. She restarted the A in Feb ’04. This dude had the gall to call me at my job to tell me to “move on” The strain of it all, combined with my clinical depression pushed me into suicidal thoughts (I was hospitalized for 2 weeks in April). While in the hospital, the entire A was revealed to family and friends. Everyone confronted my W. She responded by leaving town to visit the OM. By the time I was released, my W had retained an attorney and has since filed for a D.

She has “fired” all of our mutual friends, asked for EVERYTHING in the settlement and centers her world around a man who:

• Lives 1000 miles away
• Has other women
• Lost his wife of 13 years to an A (and is still angry)

Although I’m in pain, I’ve decided to stand for my family. We have 2 boys (2 and 5) we’ve been M 13 years and together 20. My W also just quit her job to start her own medical practice—all while making these gigantic changes. We still live together, so we still have lots of contact.

My questions:
• Should I fight the D? (FL is a no fault state, so I can really just drag it out)
• Should I reveal what I know about the OM to my W?
• OM works for the Federal Gov. and has used his travel privileges to facilitate the A. There are statues against that (he would lose hi job) my L says we should use that as leverage in the D proceedings. Should I?
• She is struggling with the practice already. I was assisting her before the hospitalization. Should I help?

<small>[ June 18, 2004, 06:40 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

You should let his work know what is going on.

Have you done a good Plan A? Read all about it here. And if you don't want a divorce, drag it out.

Hello dleightonc,

Welcome to MB although I am sorry it's for Infidelity.And I am very sorry about your pain and hospitalization.Many of us know how adultery can bring us to the brink of suicide or even just thoughts about it.I collapsed one day myself in the middle of a restaurant under the extreme stress and pain of knowing my WH was with the homewrecker instead of his family and my WH whole side of the family was with me at the time.It was just awful.

It sounds as though you have already taken the first step to protect yourself and your children by getting a lawyer.That's good.One thing that you should consider is a restraining order on the loser(OM) if he contacts you again.Even if you have to let it slip to WW or OM himself,that should keep him off your back for a while.You have enough to contend with without this guy calling you and giving YOU advice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Next,it's pretty hard to do a Plan A when your WW is going full steam ahead with divorce proceedings.All you can do IMO is the 180 degree list.Someone around here has it handy I am sure.I think Plan A attempts will be lost on her right now if she is angry and determined.What you can do is be calm and try to be agreeable within means.Don't give up the farm but she will be looking for you to give her a fight so don't give it.

I have been married for 13 years and together almost for 20 as well.It's a lot of time to think about giving up so if you still want to try then drag your feet about a D as much as you can.See about getting into counseling if you can.I think some states require that you both go before you can divorce.If your WW had it so good with the OM,then she would have been gone by now but something made her stay all this time.You can work from that base and see how things go.Even though she is headed for a D,it doesn't mean it will go through.It's not over till it's over.

Lastly,dont' help your WW with her job,her decisions or anything else right now.Let this all blow up in her face if it's going to.She isn't thinking clearly right now and she hasn't realized how bad things are.She may not until she actually has a chance to go and live with this guy after a D.Who knows.Just be as calm and confident as you can possibly muster right now.You want her to remember you being the rational one if and when things deteriorate.If she rememebrs you angrry and abusive in any way,she will just be more determined and run away.Which is what she is already doing in many ways.

Keep posting and coming back.We're here for you.Hang in there.It's a rough ride but your boys need you.

O

<small>[ June 18, 2004, 09:31 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thanks O:

You know what's funny? My W's best friend from our High School days is a D lawyer (so is her husband). My W discouraged her from pursuing an A last year, but never told her about her activities. Anyway when her friend found out about everything, she and her husband decided to take my case--Pro Bono!

Needless to say, she blames me and sees this as the greatest betrayal ever. I seee this as God giving me the resources I need to fight the good fight. These friends are pro-marriage and have agreed to drag this out as long as possible to give healing efforts a chance.

Wow! Pro bono.Terrific! That's a load off your mind I'm sure.

Of course your WW is going to see blame in your very existence let alone that you had some decent friends help you out at your time of need. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Ignore her drivel.

It is ironic that your WW directed her friend away from marital infidelities while doing the same right under her friends nose.What a hypocrite huh? Ugh.

Well,I hope your lawyer friends there are doing ok seeing as how they too were on the brink of becoming MB panelists.You should tell them about us and how great and supportive we are! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good night.

O

<small>[ June 18, 2004, 10:06 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>