I had to filr for a divorce 4 mths ago because my wife tried to steal all of are money? She has now screwed one guy just for a night and is now involved with anithe guy for about a month who is 25 and she 34. we have two small kids. She refuses counselling even from the begining. We were married for 14 yrs and now she just wants out. Do you think it a good idea to force her through counselling, I can have this done through the courts for three sessions. I feel I need to do this because I has alot of love busting going on in the beg. I thought that I could get a least my msg accross. And if you do what would you say? and what typr of counseler? I taped phone calls and she foun out, I checked her voice mail at work, and we had pushing and shoving match because she was keeping the kids from me. I am so despaired from this whole thing we were good together at one time and now we are strangers. Do you think I should send her a card for our anniversery comming up? In PA there is a two year waiting period for a divorce ,but she wants me to sign now. What do you think? We are not living together now and she is moving out by eom this will be the first time out of the house. Do you think this will help her wake up? I also won a temp custody aggreement that she hated and is betting that i will lose the final order and if I don't do you think this may make her think of what she is doing? Because in her warped mind she does love the kids. I am empty inside "Where did the girl I feel in love with go?"PLease help?

Wow - I never heard of a court requiring counseling prior to a divorce - except for joint custody parenting classes in Minnesota - shows you how much I know.<P>In CA they allow mediation - in other words, mediation to help the 2 divorcing spouses come to an agreement which tends to alleviate a lot of dissension.<P>You are in a tough spot. Your wife is moving out at the end of the month? What about lovebusters? Have you been hot and heavy in that department? If so STOP right now.<P>I don't know what to tell you about sending her a card for the anniversary - maybe letting her know how much you appreciated her as a wife, but not talking too much about the future relationship?<P>The point is not for you to get your message across, but to stop the lovebusters and not take anymore units out of that old love bank.<P>Read Basic Concepts, and Plan A Plan B. The first page of the site has links to all.<P>Also if you can find "surviving the affair" good starting point.<P>And the other most important thing you can do if you are spiritual is to pray. Has helped me tremendously.

Dear DJB,<P>I am so glad you are hearing from other men on this site. Some of whom have/are going through something similar to what you are. I was truly hoping that more of the men on this site would have replied.<P>Any advise I have given you, has been from a women's point of view. One who has seen other women cheat on their husbands with someone from the workplace, or a friend of the husband's. I don't believe in cheating. But, many women I have worked with have/do cheat. Most of their husband's didn't/don't have any clue that they are doing so. You not only found out, but are dealing with the painful situation each and everyday. <P>More than anything, I would like to see you<BR>get back together with your wife.Why? Because, you have years into that marriage.<BR>Lots of shared memories, hopes and dreams.<BR>However, from what you have said, she simply<BR>doesn't want any of that right now. As I have mentioned in my posts to you previously,when a person is FORCED to do something,they become defensive. However, going to counceling through the court, does seem to be something YOU truly want to do. And, there has to be a "YOU" somewhere in all that is taking place. (The word "YOU" is the important word here).With "YOU" in mind, I would say you should go to counceling with your wife through the courts. Please do this only for yourself, with no expectations of turning everything around so quickly. And,<BR>keep in mind that she won't want to even be<BR>there. <P>Another thing....You keep bringing up the <BR>recording of her phone calls, etc. You are blaming yourself (righfully so), for having<BR>done these things. But (and this is a really<BR>big one), if you had not had the suspicion<BR>that she was already cheating, and the need<BR>to know for a fact, you would not have done these things. Other people hire Private Detectives to find these things out.(The pushing/shoving), is another matter, and one you say you truly regret. Have you told her<BR>of your regret for doing this?<P>About sending her a card. If that is something that would make you happier, then do it. Don't do it expecting her to phone<BR>you and rush back.<P>I think a number of the persons here (myself included), are beating themselves up emotionally/mentally about how they don't, somehow measure up in one way or another, and that is why their spouse cheated on them. In some respects that is good. We need to look within and see what we might have done differently/better, in order to work on self-improvement. We don't need to browbeat ourselves, downgrade our uniquness<BR>or thrash our selfworth. Don't let yourself<BR>get into this rut! <P>I sincerely hope this helps you in some small<BR>way. JUST HANG IN THERE! Know at the<BR>final outcome that you did, truly, everything<BR>you could in a "POSITIVE" (key word being "positive"), way to rectify the situation. <P> <BR> <p>[This message has been edited by ckasinec (edited September 17, 1999).]

I'm also a woman.<P>The other thing I would suggest, is to stop snooping. You already know your wife is cheating, so snooping keeps the discovery day and the reality of it all so new each and every time you find out more. She IS cheating, so now you have to realize that and keep moving forward with no lovebusters. <P>Then you have to see what behavior changes you make - and measure how they change your wife. Take baby measurements and watch the baby steps.<P>