My WW stayed at the house a few nights this week. While here, I did not LB at all. I was very nice and gave her space and did not complain. She saw OM right under my nose and was rude to me a few times.

I take all this with a grain of salt, but I was talking to my friend last night, and she thinks the sparrow is confused because I'm supposed to show my anger, and I don't, and this is making her mad because I'm not cooperating.

But I was reading juke1225's post about his WW warming up after he screamed at her in public, changed the locks on the house, and put her stuff in the garage, and it made me think. The sparrow told me she might need to stay here a couple of nights next week. I'm tempted to uninvite her. I haven't decided yet, but is there a way for me to do it without LBing? I thought I might tell her, [sparrow], when you've been here I've been nice and given you space and privacy, but your actions and words have hurt my feelings and so I don't think you should stay here again.

Any advice? I miss her and want her to come back, but maybe it's time for plan B. I can't tell.

GC

You are too early to go to Plan B. Please stay in Plan A longer.

However, you do not have to be a doormat. I would definitely uninvite her. Just tell her very calmly that you can not allow her to hurt you by having OM anywhere around your home. Then tell her it would be best for her to get a room somewhere else.

believer is absolutely right! I would be as nice as possible to her. The reason she is being mean to you is because she is trying to rile you up. If she can rile you up and make you angry then she can make YOU the bad guy. If she can make you the bad guy, then she can justify her affair.

Now, the reason juke's wife started treating him better is because he stood up for himself and demanded respect. Women don't like guys they can run over.

You can achieve the same thing if you tell her you are going to pass on the overnights. Tell her you love her dearly but you find her behavior very unpleasant and unappealing and have decided to take a pass. Offer to help her find a hotel room. That will let her know that you respect yourself enough to set boundaries.

<small>[ June 19, 2004, 11:59 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Gray- The losing my temper in public thing seemed to have worked a little for me LOL, but I did not plan on doing it. Just came out. I also could have been arrested for it because I punched her car window with her in it and in front of people. Not a good idea. I think with my WW she needs to be able to respect me and by me being a doormat I was not very attractive to her I guess. I think that you can still be nice to her, but stand up for yourself too when she is asking too much and trying to push u around. Show her that you can function without her. Don't show your sadness and be STRONG in front of her. That is attractive and will make her want you more.

Thanks for putting it so well, Juke. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Go to focus on the family website and take a look at the summary of the book > Love Must Be Tough < . I think you'll appreciate it.
May give you some ideas on how to handle this. Being agreeable is one thing, allowing her to use you and your house as a launching pad for her A is quite another. Don't let her use you like this.

I'm beginning to see that letting her come and go as she pleases and treat me disrespectfully is as bad as begging her not to go. If I don't hear from her by Monday I'm going to call her and tell her she has been inconsiderate and unpleasant when she's been here, and so I think it would be best if she didn't stay at the house.

Thanks guys. Today is a low, the worst since my ADs started working. I'm supposed to be at band rehearsal right now but felt too rotten to go. This forum always helps pull me out; makes me feel I have some small measure of power over my fate. Time to go play a little guitar and hang with my friends. Later,

GC

You do have power over YOUR fate.

Go play guitar - play some jamming Jimmy Hendrix or Led Zepplin!

oooh, don't tell her she has been unpleasant and inconsiderate. That would be an LB. Tell her that you will not allow your home to be used as a crash pad, and it hurts you that she has OM around.

Believer, I've been agonizing about what exactly to say. MelodyLane suggests I tell her her behavior has been "unpleasant and unappealing". I can see where that would be risky. If I just say that it hurts me that she has OM around, that's fair - except I didn't actually see them together. It was only obvious that she snuck off to a waiting car a few blocks away and who else would it be?

I also don't know if it's a good idea for me to say "I will not allow" something. A big part of what she's doing is an effort to take all my power away, and she would interpret those words as me trying to boss and control her. I'm sorry to be sweating so much over my words, but it seems like it's critical for me right now to handle every exchange the right way.

GC

Dude... there's an issue I've been struggling to understand and work into my own personal paradigm.

What it boils down to is the difference between setting personal boundries and trying to control another persons behaviour. And then, there's the issue of implementing the philosophy...

This is a crucial issue for me, and I believe it is for you too.

You need to find a way to work on saving your marriage without losing respect for yourself. The way you are allowing yourself to be treated tells me you are no better at this than I am (was).

IOW, She's treating you horribly and as long as you allow that to continue, you are steadily losing respect. Both from her and yourself. Above all else, this is not conducive to any kind of happy or even reasonable ending.

Trust me. I've tried it (twice) and seen the results. When you let people treat you badly, they take it as a sign that they can treat you badly. I cow-towed to my first wife and it cost me more than I've words or time to explain.

I let my 2nd wife have an affair down the hall with our room-mate for 2 months because I was afraid/couldn't find a way to 'draw the line'.

It didn't help end the affair. It didn't encourage her to respect my feelings more. In fact it made it worse. She started staying out later and spend more nights in OPs room. It made it all worse... worse to the point that a separation occured whereas more appropriate behaviour (on my part) at an earlier stage could have not only ended the affair but kickstarted the repairing of our relationship.

Can you legally kick her out? I'm not advising for or against this... I've followed your story but I don't know everything... but have you asked your lawyer about any actions you can take to protect yourself. If she is the first to file in a court case, you may be at a significant disadvantage.

On a Marriage Building site, I feel compelled to always take a pro-marriage stance. The exception is in cases of abuse. It is my experienced view that you are being abused and are allowing it to propagate itself. Unchecked, I feel that this will lead to disaster for you and your children.

On the other hand, sometimes the Wayward can act in very uncharacteristic ways. The person I married and Love would never behave in the ways that she did. I choose to adopt the MB analogy that my W was abducted by aliens and that if we can get back on track and rebuild she would revert to the person she really is inside. That person is a devoted Mom, and a loving, loyal Wife who would never inflict the kind of devastation this family has endured over the past 8 months.

You need to think about who your W really is inside. Within you you already have so many answers. You need to look inside and acknowledge them. Is this her? Or has she been abducted by aliens?

dewt

ALWAYS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH. Speak it in a respectful way, but speak it.

I used to struggle with this, it seemed I spent too much time thinking about what to say, worrying about the outcome, how the other person would react.

I finally learned that by speaking your truth, always, you create boundaries for yourself. It all becomes so much clearer when you don't worry about what the other person will think.

I do this now in all my relationships, with my boss, with the people who report to me, and I do it immediately. The trick is to speak it as respectfully as possible. It becomes habit after awhile.

Does that make sense?

my $0.02

Perhaps " I feel uncomfortable with your stay because ( fill in a reasonable respectful and truthful stance) eg I am trying to work on my feelings and thoughts right now."
Stick to whatever you feel is best don't allow yourself to be persuaded.
She is perhaps trying to prove to herself how far she can push you before you will "fight/beg" for her to come back. You could consider what consequences your reaction will bring but you could also drive yourself crazy with the "what if's?"
Hang in there. Breathe in Breathe out.

I like babysteps advice. It sounds respectful and calm. When you let people get away with disrespecting you, they continue to disrespect you. Very bad for your self-esteem. Show her you have boundaries by staying away from her.

You'll know it's time for Plan B when your love for Sparrow deminshes and your love bank is near empty. Indicators will be you'll have a hard time not love busting her, and understandably start to slip.

No one can tell you it's Plan B time, you will know, but will be inclined to waffle fearing she will fly away for good.

Stay strong and God Bless,
Jo

Whatever you end up saying to her, remember to preface it with "I FEEL .... ".

Less chance of a disrespectful judgment that way.

I'm not ready for plan B. I miss her and want her back. But I want her to understand the reason she is not invited to stay here isn't because I don't want her here, it's because when she's here she is a JERK.

Though she did clean up nicely after herself when she left on Friday.

GC

You can stay in Plan A, but don't set yourself up for being hurt. And also we women don't like to be around a man that we control. It is a fine line, but I hope you will start having a life without her (temporarily).

I'm trying, believer. I'm a bit of a homebody these days, but I do get out with friends often. I'm living life as best I can. I'm not used to being so alone, but I'm not laying here holding my breath waiting for that stinker to show up. And at least the house stays clean.

Ah, finally the sun is gone and it's cloudy and windy. About time the weather matched my mood. I think I'll go to the movies (nothing with a relationship in it) and then deliver the sparrow's stepdad a Father's Day card.

GC

graycloud - Get out and do things. That is what helped me the most. I have done tons of things. You are wounded (and why shouldn't you be), and you need a good shot of self-esteem.

These days are horrible, but they will get better. I promise you that.