Are we the only ones here today???

I just wanted to wish you a happy Saturday.

I'm mopping, the ammonia is getting to me, I think I should ventilate. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Time to go add the bleach. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Later
Ky-4

Hi! I thought I was the only one posting on Saturday, and cleaning my house. Thought everyone else in the whole world is out having fun.

Hey, maybe you can help me out. I had a weird IC appt. this week.
My C told me she thinks it was a good thing for my M to have had an A.

My A lasted 5 months, with very close friends of ours.

My H and I have had many S problems, and the OM taught me how things are different when you are receiving respect. I have never felt valued by my H. The OM made me feel very valued.

I would have never put a stop to the bad things that was happening in the bedroom had I never had the A. I wouldn't have known better, and I would have felt worthy of any better treatment.

I'm not sure if you are the BS or the WS, but either way I need help to clarify my thinking now.

My H even feels our M will be better because of the A. I'm miserable with myself because of this A, I hate to think that is the only way good things could come to me.

Yes, I was mistreated, I really don't think I ever could have stood up for myself before the A. I don't think I ever thought I deserved more, now however I do, and I want more from my H.

I'm having a hard time forgiving him, yes, me forgive him for our pre A state. He has totally forgiven me, but I have so many issues with him from our past that I never dealt with because I have never had a voice, I just want all the issues out on the table, right now.

I don't want to look at it as a good thing, the A, because inside me I'm struggling to recover myself from all of the shame I feel from it. Now I even have my C telling me it was the best thing for me and my M.

Help me see more clearly, 2x4 if need be.

Thanks KY-4

I am the BS, but have you read "Torn Asunder?" In that book there is a chapter on "The Message of the Affair". It is very interesting. You need to figure out the message of the affair, so that it does not happen again. And you need to correct what was wrong.

One possible message is that you were being mistreated and had no power. As women, we tend to go along with the program, not complaining.

I never complained, I in fact fooled myself into thinking I was perfectly happy. I use to say, he is so selfish, but luckily for him, I'm very giving. I'm extremely submissive, and his very much in control.

I will take the message and learn from it. I like the way you word much better than my C.

Thank you, happy cleaning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

kyellow, I see where you are coming from. I think affairs are always bad things even though we can get good things out of them. Even though we can garner good out of bad, it doesn't make the bad thing good. So, I see your quandry, but I think its just a matter of semantics.

The real tragedy is that it had to come to this crisis level in order to expose the problems in your marriage in the first place. Perhaps if you had not CHOSEN to be submissive and so easily manuevered, you wouldn't have been vulnerable to an affair?

I mean, I see you blaming your H for your unhappiness, but you are also very much responsible for the state of your marriage. You CHOSE to respond that way, leading to your unhappiness. See what I mean?

You are not a victim of HIM, but of your OWN choices. I think owning that truth would be very empowering and a huge step in the recovery. And in that realization, you can get a very good thing out of a very bad thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, there you've got it. Now you must forgive yourself for the A, forgive him for the way he treated you. And on top of that, change the way you relate to each other in your marriage.

Thank you ML, I knew I needed a kick in the pants.

Our M has changed a ton. It is just a matter of us now balancing this new stuff out. I absolutely set back and allowed things to happen to me. I'm no longer doing that, and he is very much obliging me.

He still falls back into the old ways, but I have learned how to set up boundaries, and I now feel I can say something, I am worth more.

I am taking responsibility for me and my welfare. I was just stating pre A state of M, and what the C said.

I feel we are on a great road to recovery, I just don't want to blame my H. I need to take responsibility for this, forgive myself and forgive him for past hurts, so much easier said than done.

He even said to me, he doesn't think I'm in love with him. I've never told him that, he just feels so much is missing from me. I want it back, I'm not even sure what it is that makes me distant.

We joke, we laugh, we hug, we kiss, we say ILU, but still something is off. I just want it better.

KY-4