The wife called me at work. Says she wants to have a talk with me. She wants to tell me a few things, nothing bad she says. Told me that we got married for all the wrong reasons, that she was looking for someone to rescue her from turmoil and she thought I was that person. (we dated off and on for over 7 years) She also said she didn't want me to feel like I was less of man because our marriage failed.


We are supposed to meet for counciling on monday again, our second meeting.

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>

1FamilyMan, I know how this talk is going to go. She is going to tell you she is "loves you but is not in love." That she has never loved you but married you for the wrong reasons, blah, blah, blah, blah. It is all FOGTALK that they all say when they are in the throes of an addiction and it is MEANINGLESS. They rewrite history in order to justify their affairs.

What is happening is that they have to ALTER reality to accommodate their bad behavior. This is very common and we hear it here EVERY DAY.

Here is what I think your best bet is. I would suggest you call Steve Harley with MArriage Builders and counsel with him. He is a pro in the worst cases of infidelity and can often do in 3 sessions what others cannot do in 20. He won't waste your time and money with nonsense and is worth every penny. He can assess your situation and get down to the nitty gritty with an EFFECTIVE strategy. It is no guarantee, but it is your BEST BET.

In the meantime, please don't pay much heed to the "talk" tonight. They all say the same thing while in the affair, but once they get out from under that spell and reality returns, they tell quite a different story. So keep in mind tonight that you are speaking to an ALIEN abducted mind, not a rational woman who is in touch with reality.

Also, don't lovebust her or allow her to make you mad. They often try to get the BS angry so she can turn you into the bad guy. And don't agree to ANYTHING. Just come back here after you have calmed down and let us help you work through it.

You will be fine, 1familyman, so don't despair.

I would avoid the fog talk. Tell her you would rather talk on Monday.

Like Melody says it will be what they all say. She will say OM is her soulmate, she didn't mean to hurt you, blah, blah, blah, she never loved you, you deserve better, she has to make herself happy, blah blah, it won't hurt the kids, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Why ruin a perfectly good Father's Day???????????

I agree with believer, wait until Monday if you possibly can.

I agree with Believer, make the meeting at a time that YOU decide. I would pay attention and if possibly repeat what she says and AGREE with everything she says in a cool, soothing unemotional tone. The meeting should be in a place that you can leave ( not your home). As soon as you feel your emotions rising, excuse yourself( think of a good excuse before you get there) and leave immediatedly. Do not tell her how you feel about the relationship and especially do NOT say " I love you" or anything close.

I hope these points and the others let YOU feel like you are controlling the situation.

BTW, stop your snooping at phone records, emails etc.... It can never help ( if you have proof of the A) and it will ALWAYS be an emotional hand grenade to your psychological well being. Resist the temptation to let her cruellty beat you up.

My prayers are with you.

I will try to put it off then. We are meeting with the counselor on Monday afternoon (separately) She still maintains that this internet guy is only her friend that she likes to talk to. She lied to the counselor about the affair. Wife is planning a trip then, she told me she was visiting her family up north.


SHe mentioned she might file by the July 13th. I don't know what is important about that date.

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 11:10 AM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>

Family Man - Have you seen an attorney yet? If not, you need to make an appointmet for this week. You need to know what your rights are and how to protect them. She has seen a lawyer already so she knows all this. If possible, put her off until you have talked to an attorney. You don't want to be blind sided. I am planning on meeting one next week just so I know where I stand, I have no intention of filing for a D. I have searched on line and found out WH can't get a divorce in MD for two years unless I agree to it. But because of the adulty I can get one when ever I want. It's nice to have that power.

FamilyMan,

I have been following your posts now and you have been in my prayers. I think the IM's about her moving is vital to your evidence - keep that and everything you have regarding proof.

I know you have seen a couple of attornies and it looks as though the only thing you can really do in your state is pursue a D. I wonder if it would look better if you let her file the papers, maybe that would make you look like you are trying to save the marriage and the family, therefore you would have a better chance of custody? I don't know.

Go out tomorrow with the kids and have the best Father's Day EVER!!! You deserve it!!!

You really need to see an attorney.

You really need to get proof of an affair.

She may be planning a pearl harbor on you in order to get most of the money and the kids and start a new life across the country. She has a lot of incentive to play dirty; start looking out for your kids, they may soon be living with a stranger because dad was in his own fog.

Okay now, settle down. You know that your wife is temporarily insane. So hold off on the talk, and try to have a nice FD.

Ok, she called. I told her I didn't want to talk while I was at work, and that it should wait till Monday night. (still a bad time, scared to talk to her about anything anymore, nothing but pain)

SHe didn't sound happy about it but didn't start to talk either. She's getting ready to file her papers I think, and have me served while she is with OM in Las Vegas.

Well now, you know your wife is not thinking right. She hardly knows OM. So that is in your favor. Hang on, and stick with us.

WW blistered me again today, at church no less. Scared to be around her, it is brutal.

I was thinking maybe asking her to write me a letter instead of the "talk." What do you think?

After D-Day I used to look forward when she talked to me, tried to encourage it even if it was not pleasant. But now I feel like a raw wounded peice of meat. Even the looks she gives me with the half sneer.

Just smile at her. She has demonized you in her head in order to justify her affair. Don't give her any ammunition. If you keep a smile on your face and act as pleasantly as possible, it will just confuse her.

Did you give any thought to calling Steve Harley? I think he could be a tremendous help.

I must say I think you should not even stay around there today. You need to get your kids out of there and spend some time with them. Would she take the time to write you a letter??She wouldn't get the satisfaction of seeing you smart everytime she opens her mouth or make a glare. I wouldn't even talk to her today. She has already gotten her satisfaction. l"d just take the children out and do something--anything to just get away from under her sh--. As I said in other postings let her be alone and wonder what you are doing without her. Heaven forbid that you should feel some happiness at this time. I think she hates it everytime you do somthing that does not make her feel important. That is what this is all about isn't it.-----HER FEELING IMPORTANT.
Right now all she thinks about is herself.

At some point you are going to have to protect yourself. There are different ways of showing boundaries. One is to let her know that her attitude hurts you. Another one is removing yourself from the situation. I suggest getting out of her way.

WW bushwacked me. I was sitting on the porch and she came out and started talking about some regular things, then started with the everything is too late.... how long did I plan on doing counseling ... she'd really like to get started on filing the D paperwork...

I told her when she first started that I'd rather not have that talk tonight, on Father's Day but she just paused and continued.

I guess she can file anytime she wants but I'm not sure she has access to enough cash to retain an attorney. She bought a magazine on house decorating today, presumably for her new house with the OM.

We are meeting for the second time with our MC tomorrow. Separate meetings.

What is stopping her from filing? She is a big girl. Surely she doesn't expect you to finance HER divorce and enable her affair? Let her know you don't want a divorce but she doesnt need your permission to file, its a free country. Throw that ball right back into her court!

I would implore you to get counseling with the Harleys. They are extremely effective counselors who specialize in infidelity. You can counsel right over the phone with them.

<small>[ June 20, 2004, 10:25 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Melody, I will try the Harley's. A bit expensive for me. WW will not participate. She is planning on a new life with OM.
Can the Harley's help me alone?

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>