Well I'm home for a few days on leave. I expect we will be deployed when I get back but everything is being kept quiet on that score.

Not thinking straight, thats a good way to put it. Met a lovely woman who does volunteer work at the base and for some reason have been able to talk to her. A couple of years older than me and a widow, H was a soldier, her son is now. All very proper between us more due to her decency than mine I have to admit.

Went out with a few people for drinks night before leave, my wife CL (Crazedlove) was coming down to pick me up with the kids the following morning. Well I got happy mellow not morbid pain in the [censored] drunk. Not a late night. She said she would get me back home.

Talked a long time on the way back and she said to come to her place for a coffee and if I wanted to talk then that was ok. Well I did talk , told her the whole thing in detail about WW affair, how long & how I was so angry, hurt and well yes bitter about it.

When i told her that I didn't love my wife any more she came over and took my hands and told me i was a fooling myself. Then she hugged me and I just felt very awkward. well this lady is smart, just looked up at me and said I didn't need a lover so don't panic, I needed a sister so just think of her as that.... I felt a lot better, relief if you want to know............ I mean it's not that sex wth her would have been bad, god no, she is a very good looking woman, it's just not what i needed ............but if I'm honest i wouldn't have refused it if offered right then.
That hug helped, nothing but compassion and new friendship.
We had a good long talk, and at first I insisted that I did not love my WW anymore, my friend got quite annoyed with me and said so I could turn off my feelings for WW like a tap?? If so then why was I hurting and so bitter. She was right, I did still love WW, just didn't like her right now. Even my thoughts of contemplating sex with someone else, I didn't think of WW at all. Didn't care one way or the other.

Spent the night at her place and have felt a lot better since then. But I don't feel easy about the way I so casually considered sex with someone not my wife. I mean what if it was someone not as nice or smart as my friend? Becasue I still don't feel that it was so wrong and I should.
I am going to have to work harder at this with WW than I ever thought.
Is this a wake up call or am I going through some stage that BS have?
It seems I would like to hurt her like she has hurt me..........guess I am being a jerk about her A even now.
I want her to feel what I have been feeling, can't help feeling that.

hoooooooookay, here you are at one of the most vulnerable times in your life when your self esteem has been shattered by your W and you are going home with strange women. You need more than a 2x4, you need a BASEBALL BAT!! Holy crap!!

You are probably more vulnerable to an affair right now than you have ever been in your life. And this does nothing to help your marriage, which is in a state of crisis right now.

If you need to have sisterly talks with women, come here and we will talk to you. There is no risk to your marriage in that. There IS a huge risk in what you did.

MBS,

I'd say you just walked through a minefield and almost blew the legs off your M...

Hey, I know how you feel... It's easy to fall into the temptation of a revenge A... but don't do it!

You're angry, and rightly so. You don't know what to feel right now, and it's very comforting to have someone to talk with... But if you must talk with someone, please try to keep it to a trusted MALE friend...or here on the MB website.

You are in too much pain right now and are very vunerable... Don't ignor the minefield warning signs... stay out...

You have a W that loves you and is willing to work on SHOWING you that she can be trusted. Please, if you are able, give her that chance...

I'm praying for you and your W and your M...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Maybe,

So much to say to you, I hardly know where to start. I guess you realize that some of this is normal, but your actions with your "friend" are NOT a good thing to do.

Your "friend" is right about one thing though, you do still love your W otherwise this would be a walk in the park. It is not. I think you already know that, and the previous posts have pretty much spelled out how you have come close to messing this up.

I thought Iwould focus on something else you said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It seems I would like to hurt her like she has hurt me..........guess I am being a jerk about her A even now. I want her to feel what I have been feeling, can't help feeling that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe, your thoughts are also normal but are they productive. Earlier in your marriage, say 6 months ago, what would do if someone attacked your W and tried to hurt her? Let me guess, you would have taken that person out or died trying right?

Even today I think your reaction would be the same, it surely would be if some attacked your children right?

So, let's examine your thinking </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It seems I would like to hurt her like she has hurt me.......... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Understandable, but do you want to hurt the mother of your children? Will it do them any good for you to hurt them by hurting their mother? Further, will it do you any good for you to hurt your W? No, you have been deeply hurt, but this is NOT combat. You hurting your W would be revenge...sort of. But it will not help you or her, or your family.

Maybe, this is NOT a situation where revenge is of any use, unless you take I believe it is Shaw's form of it. "The best revenge is a life well lived." I am going to discuss this in a moment.

But, first your last statement </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want her to feel what I have been feeling, can't help feeling that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe, I have been reading and posting here 5 years, and there is one thing that you need to understand. In those 5 years I have NEVER seen a WS understand and feel the pain of a BS. Oh! they are aware that the BS is in pain and they know the reason, but they cannot know what you feel. So trying to get your W to feel what you feel is really a waste of your time.

Further, there is another side to this. No BS really understands what a remorsful WS feels and endures. I will say this if your W is remorseful and I think she is, she will live with what she did for the rest of her life. It will fade some, but the better H you are to her the more she will regret what she has done. Worse, when your children grow up and marry, she will be reminded of her failure to meet her vows, over and over.

You will not have to say a word. Remember that quote, "the best revenge is a life well lived"? Well, be nice to her, love her, be a great H to her and you can be assured that she will come to fully realize what she has done.

Maybe there is NO FREE LUNCH and you know it. So back off, let time heal this, and you will not have to worry about revenge, or her "feeling your pain". You will come to realize the hardest thing will be getting her over HER guilt and remorse.

So step back from the edge my friend. Heal and deal with your pain, and do your best to protect the mother of your children and your spouse. You will NEVER regret giving her another chance and treating her in a good fashion no matter how this works out.

I know you are hurt, I know you don't trust anything about her, I know you fear going away and leaving her alone, but Maybe, you will find out what you need to know, during this time. You will heal as others here have done, and your may find that your partner in her guilt and remorse has finally dealt with the demons within her and can be the woman you need in your life.

Give this a chance, and leave revenge and punishment in the hands of God. She lost something very precious before her affair, she lost something extraordinarily precious to her during her affair. She knows this and it eats at her, let God take care of this my friend, and you do what you vowed to do "through sickness and health, for better or worse" you vowed to love her and protect her. She needs your protection now.

Don't do something foolish, and give yourself time to heal. You won't regret taking the high road here, and your children will prosper if your marriage does as well.

You can do this Maybe, it is tough going, and this stuff is definitely NOT for wimps. You have what it takes, use your strength.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Welllll you have gave me lots to ponder.

Been thinking about it for a while.

No I don't want to really hurt her, would like her to feel the way I feel but thats impossible like you say.

Is this worth it all?
Don't know if I feel anything at all but I will try.
ok I'll do what I can to not repeat anything like that again. I guess I have lot to thank that friend for don't I.

So do I tell WW about this? I mean she can read it but should I tell her?

Maybe,

If your W had only gone as far as you've gone with your friend, would you want her to tell you, or would you rather read about it here??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I think you know the answer to your own question...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

maybe single --

I have been talking to your wife here for days. She is truly remorseful. I am a BS too, so I know the hurt and unbelievable pain you are going through. But your wife will not know this pain, however she knows her own pain and self-loathing.

You were lucky that your woman friend was a good friend and told you the truth. You need a sister, or mom, not a lover.

I'm so happy you got to be with your family before you go "where ever". I hope you will keep posting if you can. In the meantime, I (and I'm sure others here) will be praying for you, and all the other warfighters.

Hi maybe,

I posted to your WW before and have read your whole story.

I would just like you to think about one thing:even after all that you have been through,consider yourself lucky.I know,lucky for what?? If my WH was as remorseful as your WW seems to be then I would be counting my blessings because you have before you,a CHANCE.That chance,is what many of us BS's here would love to have,just a chance to make our marriages better.That is why we are here,do the plans,talk and read.

Many of us are SO ready to make the changes in ourselves,to have a loving,happy marriage and family.We have made the changes,we have read and counseled and take our medications,etc.But we wait,and we hope for that chance for our WS's to come back to us and help us.Many times that doesn't happen and we end up divorced,a marriage broken,a family shattered.Don't let this opportunity slip by.Many marriages have been saved and have become better than ever and all it takes is two willing partners.

I think the best person to help heal your hurt is your WW.As much as she hurt you,it is also she that can make it better.No one can take her place,including that other woman friend that had the decency to turn you in the right direction.Give her that chance maybe.If for nothing else,so that you can tell your kids that you did give it the chance,they DESERVE it!

MY WH still only thinks of himself and is about to let all of it slip away: our friendship of 20 years,our marriage of 13 years,our family,our lives as we knew it.Everything.So much to lose.But obviously it doesn't amount to much for him anymore.Do you value your marriage,your vows,your family? I am sure you do so you know that trying is the honorable thing to do.


O

<small>[ June 20, 2004, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

hello all

still waiting for orders.
WW is trying so hard I acknowledge that, but also hard to accept anything she does is honest.

She lied for 12 months don't know if i can afford to believe her anymore. Can't help but think she has done this once for so long what is to stop her doing this again???

I know what the doctor said about her behaviour problems. I accept it all intellectually, it's just this basic gut feeling of distrust.

Being able to trust at home was the most important thing to me. It was the core belief that kept me alive. At home I was safe, secure, loved, could trust everyone. Now thats gone.

I know this is purely selfish response, however it doesn't mean it's any less real. This is hard to explain to anyone who has not been where I have been. Where you are isolated for so long from your own people and only have yourself to rely on. I wonder if I am even the man she decided to cheat on any more.

Can't make any decision about this now, just too much to really sort out. I'll be much happier on ops where I'm busy all the time. Damn I wish I would get the ok, can't enjoy this delay feeling like this. Try to be with the kids most of the time.

Well I'll leave it as it is for now I suppose.

maybe - Your feelings are completely normal. Your wife will someday win back your trust by her actions, but it is very soon for that.

I am praying that you will be sent somewhere peaceful, like a south sea island. You have more than done your part. Please keep in touch, and we will continue to try to help and support your wife.

Hi maybe,

We all know what you are talking about.The trust you had with your WW was obliterated.That's a HUGE thing to endure.Oddly enough,when you mentioned how home was your safe place and you felt secured and loved.That's what I created for my WH because he was away a lot too on jobs.I always kept the home fires burning,as they say but in his reality,he felt that because I was ok and the childen were ok and the home was ok,he could indulge himself.Grrrr.However,my home is MY safe place too and I have been huddled in here for months now.I have been out and about but I always like to retreat back to my "base". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway,it will take a long time to feel that trust again.It is possible you know.Your WW has a lot of rebuilding to do to show you.You both have work to do.Also,don't try and figure things out and solve the problems right away.It's not possible.That's also hard to deal with.It would be nice to fix it as fast as say,a computer problem,but this is so much more involved.Give yourself time.And it's not selfish to want the trust back and your feelings of security.We all want that and deserve it.

Lastly,your gut it your guide and it's helping you right now.No you should NOT trust your WW yet so those feelings are there for a reason.Trust them.

Take care.

O