Are PA’s worse than affairs of the heart (or EA’s)? I found out about a year ago my wife of 15 years was having an "EA" with a coworker. This A was to the point that she asked me for a divorce and she told me to move out so she could pursue a relationship with him. She gave reasons for the divorce but they were all things I do and had done that she had never mentioned to me at all bothered her. I had noticed for a few years that something was wrong with her and would ask her often what was bothering her and what could I do or change for her to help her with whatever was bothering her. (Way before this coworker even appeared in her life.) I had even printed some things off the MB website to see if that would help. She always said nothing was wrong, she was just tired, had a bad day or one of several other excuses. 3 months after I moved I found out about the affair. I also learned that 2 weeks after I moved he told her that he did not like her in that way, she had misread his intentions. I learned all this from a friend of hers after I moved and then my wife confirmed it all when I confronted her.

Why I asked the first question of is a PA worse than an emotional affair is because I had been trying to get on that emotional level my wife and I lost after our second child for the 5 years since she was born but she would only push me away. Then to find out she was able to get on this emotional level with the OM is very hard to get past. Some days I think I would have rather had her just lusting over someone and having a PA. For some reason I think that I might be able to understand better an PA more, but having an “affair of the heart” when I had been doing everything I knew to do and asked her often what she needed and do we need to seek help is a very hard thing to overlook. Here we are 12 months after I moved out and we have been attempting to see if we can work things out for the past 3 months but I am having a major problem getting beyond the emotional part she gave this person and is still withholding from me.

I think that one reason I have problems getting beyond the A is because I do not feel she has been honest about the level of the affair. Everything from her cell phone bill to the call details of my home phone point to what I was told that 2 weeks after I moved he told her he did not like her in that way. (All contact ended)Everything except the paragraph below that she sent to him one night in an e-card. She sent this card when I was out of town about 3 weeks before she asked me for the D. I got it when I hacked into their company e-mail server on D-Day 3 months after I moved out. (Habits of my youth come out and seem to die-hard) Everyone that knows my wife describe her as quiet, proper, polite and until the A was considered to be very honest, old fashion and respectful. She would never ask someone on a date nor would she call someone without the person telling her to call. Why this card bothers me and is the obstacle is the last line in it. I know that she must be completely honest with me for us to be able to rebuild and this card is what makes me think she is not. Does anyone have any advice?

Here is type she put in the card:

Please forgive me.
Tonight when I was getting the girls to sleep, C kept getting out of bed. So I laid down with her. I fell asleep and the next thing I know its 11:30. I did not know what to do. I did not call because I did not want to wake you. I'm SORRY!!! I'm wide awake now (it's 1:15am) and can't sleep. I am too busy kicking myself. I wish I was in your arms.

Dear Rwagner: Welcome to Marriage Builders,
I am sorry you are here - an EA is hard to get over - in PA there is usually only one need that is being filled, the physical/sexual, in an EA there are so many needs being fulfilled, conversation, etc. and for most women conversation is usually one of the top needs. I think then you get alot of the "soul mate" talk

What about MC - is your wife willing to go? I would really encourage you to try and convince her. I know in my case it did make a difference, having children may help you convince her to work on the M for their sake, completing the emotional needs questionnaire and maybe find out (if you can get her to open up a little) what need or what this OM is doing to make her want to give up her M for him.

Keep posting, there are alot of people on this board who have been through it all and will have great advice for sure.

<small>[ June 19, 2004, 03:27 PM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>

The "I wish I was in your arms" comment would indicate to me that her A was probably both EA and PA.

I would insist on complete honesty of all the historical aspects of her relationship with OM. Read "Surviving an Affair". Have her read it if she is willing.

To me, an affair of the heart is the worst. My WH is madly in love with OW, and that hurts worse than anything.

Stop calling it an "affair of the heart". That lends it an air of romaniticism

It was tawdry infidelity. Nothing more.

Low

I was involved in an e-mail friendship which became inappropriate and beginning of EA. Neither me and my H were involved in any PAs, so since I can’t talk from experience, I can only give my own personal opinion on this:

Personally I think the worst scenario is where someone gets involved in both EA and PA. IMO the big difference between EA and PA is that when you have an PA with someone you know without doubt that what you are doing is wrong... I mean, I can't imagine that sex and using your genitals can happen as ‘just an accident’. However, someone can get involved in an EA if boundaries is unwittingly crossed from platonic friendship into something more… So in my opinion an EA can happen unintentionally (I don’t say this is always the case) but a PA is intentionally since clothes can’t get removed by themselves! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> When a friendship with someone develops to a deeper level and you realize you’re involved in an EA, you still have the choice to stop it before it develop any further, but if you let the EA develops into an PA any way, you know you're doing wrong… For me personally, having sexual intercourse with someone is the worst form of betrayal I can ever imagine... However, I agree that in general it's more difficult for woman (both BS and WS) to recover from the emotional side of an affair than for men. From what I've read on these boards, an EA is worse for woman and a PA for men.

Just my 2 cents for what it's worth! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ June 21, 2004, 05:31 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

I agree with suzet, although I cannot talk from experience about PAs.

With a PA, there is a point of no return that you cross, a moment where you decide whether to go one way or the other, to have sex or not. No matter how foggy someone is, this is their decision and once they have made that decision it is an intentional PA. EAs develop more slowly and can be almost accidental, depending more on emotions and ENs.

My H2B had a short EA, but I only call it that because there was no physical intimacy at all. It was, however, sexual in nature. I consider my situation better than most because he did not love her, and he also did not have physical contact with her.

I dont think I would be able to try and rebuild if it had been EA and PA, but a lot of you are much stronger than me.

Just my VVHO.

If I found out that my wife had only an EA,,,I would definately take it better. How would you like to find out that your wife had sex with someone else twice a week. For 2 months?? One night stands are hardly ever discovered because that is exactly what they are. To me for someone to have repeatable sex with another person,, there are tons of emotions involved not just one need. I have also found it very rare for there to be a long drawn out EA, at least where the WS and OM saw each other in person. Most of the time when confronted with evidence the WS will usually respond by saying "we didnt do anything" "we are just friends" " we only talked". The WS knows to reveal that they have given thierself sexually to someone else will tear the heart out of thier Spouse. After all whats the harm in talk??? Maybe it was just a friendship?

EA's are hard to end. Even after they are over, they linger on for both the WS and the BS. The "I love you words" hurt said to the OP by the WS hurts the BS very deep especially when you thought your spouse was loyal and loving to only you. The love felt by the WS is real for the moment but not built on reality.

I am almost one to say, I wish my FWW would have had a ONS. I think it would have been easier.