I am BS and I've been trying to reach my wife who is still in the fog and in withdrawal. She continued contact for a while and has just recently stopped that. I have bit my tongue until it's bled. Any real meaningful conversation is snubbed. Even our couseling doesn't seem to be reaching her. I have worked on me very hard and have cried many a night over my frustration of not being able to reach her. She is soooo distant to me. Nothing feels the same anymore. I don't trust her because of her repeated lying over these months. Even now that things are getting some better I still struggle with trust.

But, now there's a new twist, and surprisingly enough, it's not from her this time. It's in my mind. I'm having some thoughts that I've not had this whole time. I'm thinking, "why in the world am I chasing, crying, grieving, dying... after someone who treated me like garbage for those months. Her total disregard for me and our children totally turns me off. I don't really know if I do want to spend any more of my time pining after someone who couldn't care less about me. Why do I have to be the strong one when I'm the one who was left4dead. She's been the one "in the fog" or "in withdrawal." But me, no, I've been the one having to keep things together for our family. I'm tired of this rejection => and for what sin, being faithful?

These are new feelings for me and I don't really know what to make of them. Part of me says, I'm having a pity party and the other part says, party on with it.

Any thoughts?

Left4dead -

You are going through the normal stuff. After an A, the BS has to do it all. I know, not fair, but that is the way it is. If you want to stay married, stick with us.

And by the way, welcome to marriagebuilders.

Left4dead,
Yeh, I know exactly how you feel. My WH is still seeing OW and may be moving out today. (I won't know 'til I get home.) I found out about his EA/PA in October 03. When I found out, I thought my world was ending and didn't know how I could go on living. Now, faced w/ all these months of hurt and deceit, I find myself alternating between wanting WH to stay and work on marriage, and wondering why I want this cheater/liar in my life at all. From what I've read here, these thoughts are very common. It seems to me that while the WS's are in their affairs and withdrawal, the BS's have to do all the work to keep it together. When the WS's decide to come back to the BS's, the WS's are the ones that have to do the work to earn our trust.

Hang in there. Don't give up yet. It's all just part of this painful process of getting through infidelity. Life really sucks sometimes!

Hi L4D,

Welcome to MB!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why do I have to be the strong one when I'm the one who was left4dead. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To answer your question, because if you want to ever have a chance at rebuilding your M, ONE of you has to be strong... Right now, it looks like it's up to you.

Believer is right, it isn't fair, but from what I've experienced and seen here, that's usually the way it ends up.

IF you decide you want to rebuild your M, and remember, YOU do have a choice here, then you are going to have to be the strong one for your M... Your W isn't capable of that right now... again, not fair, and it hurts...

Also, don't worry about trust right now. If your W isn't acting trustworthy, then you shouldn't trust her. Period. ...so don't even "struggle" with trust... you can't trust her... at least you know that now. Hopefully, she'll come out of the fog and you will start to see some trustworthy actions... Until then, watch what she does and don't listen to her words.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> it is a process...the click...then suddenly you feel different...

2 months in plan B i felt like you did...after 3 months...and that was sunday last...another click...suddenly i am ready for plan D. In other words, if WS dont come back i am ready to lose him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It is liberating to feel this.

I am glad you have finally reach a corner stone.

Dont worry about those changes...it is natural. I think it is our taker in motion.

left4dead, that is a normal feeling in the phases of recovery. After the relief of not losing your spouse and family wears off, anger sets in. It is very normal and healthy to feel this way after being treated so badly. And yes, you have been treated very badly and have every right to feel this way.

Howver, provided that the affair has really ended and you are both working on recovery, chances are great that you won't feel this way in a year. So please don't act on those feelings and do anything rash. The feelings are temporary but divorce is permanent. Just hang in there, it might get much better.