For those of you unfamiliar, my separated WW (28) is seeing a man who is 48. My question to any women out there is this:

How important is age to you? I know that WW wants to have children, and this just doesn't seem like an optimal family situation. I realize that OM is meeting certain ENs that I was not, so I can see the initial attraction, but I fail to see the long term plan. I know she [thinks she] loves him.

I keep telling myself that she is still in the infatuation stage, and that she will eventually snap out of it. I'm almost encouraged by the fact that there is such an age descrepancy, as I think when the aliens return my wife, she's realize how silly this is, but I don't know...

Thanks for any opinions
-phantom

Phantom -

I am 44, but I can't imagine being attracted to or staying with a man of 48 when I was in my 20's.

And now I can't believe a 48 yr old man would want to have babies.

Some women are attracted to money, status and power. Does he have these things to offer? If not I would be very surprised if she stays with him for long.

I don't know your story, but I would hang in there if I were you. The age difference poses many problems, besides the fact that relationships started in the deception of an affair don't normally last.

That will never work out. He is too old for your wife. Hopefully the fog will clear soon.

My WW will be 34 in a couple of weeks and her OM will be 52 in October.

(Learned his birthday during the deposition, LOL)

Tony

Money, status, and power... Unfortunately, I'm not sure what he does, or how much money he has. But yes, she is attracted to money (as can be evidenced by the $8000 credit card that she as accumulated since she left), whether she would admit it or not.

What I do know is that my WW and I are still in our 20's, and we have a brand new house, and 2 new cars, not to mention a bunch of other 'toys'. And I just started a technical consulting practice with a friend of mine earlier this year. In fact, our future was looking brighter than ever when she left. (sorry, I don't mean to seem arrogant, as that couldn't be farther from my personality)

Don't get me wrong; I realize that money isn't everything, and I've realized how to meet the ENs that I wasn't meeting. I even think WW has realized that, but she is still infatuated with this guy, so it's not making much of an effect.

Time will tell...

My WH and I too had it all. Good paying jobs, big house, nice cars, lots of fancy toys. Most of this initiated by him. Now he tells me how unimportant money is to him. I know he always wanted a family. The OW is 39 and has a 15 and 19 year old so I don't think he would be starting a family with her. I don't think that practical long term thinking plays a part in these WS's minds.

I had a sister in law who married a man 25 years older then her. We all knew it wouldn't last, she was looking for a father figure. Well it didn't last and now she is engaged to a wonderful man who is her age and talking about starting a family.

Clearly, that sort of thing works for some people. TBXW is 30, and has been dating a guy who is 53 or so, and rich, ever since I moved out. Same age as her father. She wasn't cheating on me with him (as far as I know), but she started getting interested in him while we were nominally working on the marriage.

It bugs me for reasons of residual territoriality, but not for reasons of competitiveness. It's not as though she dumped me for somebody in the same space of life as me. He's got 20 years on me.

I don't know if it'll last, though it's not really my business anymore. I do know that he gives her a lot of things that she felt she couldn't get from me, like money, access to the upper echelons of power, etc. They move in similar political circles.

One reason it works for her is that she told me in November that she needed to be with somebody who was like her, only more so: even more type A, who she could feel safe relying on for emotional support. In him, she's found that. She wasn't looking for gender equality; she was looking to find a S/O who could be the stronger force in the relationship. Now, given his age, wealth, and influence, she has that.

What's funny is that she's switched gears a bit. She's tried on a few occasions to confide in me. She's told me that she doesn't like her job and that she's been on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I asked if her BF knew that she was so messed up and she said that he didn't. And he thinks she loves her new job.

So, she's doing to him exactly what she did to me: confiding in somebody other than her S/O, the person she's supposed to be confiding in. I don't know if she'll eventually figure out how relationships work, but for her sake I hope she does.

<small>[ June 20, 2004, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: reservoirdog1 ]</small>

I hope you are taking steps to protect yourself financially ($8000 in credit card debt, thats insane).

I still think the age difference will work in your favor.

Tony - you too. I mean guys age so much faster than women. The guys I know my age, look older, act older, think older. (of course most of the guys I know are from work, maybe its my profession that ages them) There are guys on here who are the exception of course. But I still don't get it that a woman would want to be with someone that much older.

I think reality will set in that much sooner and infatuation will end with that reality.

I'm the FWW and the OM was 10 years older than me, I am 34 and he is 44.

His age didn't bother me that much because I was so deep in fog/infatuation/lust/whatever that I didn't care. Now I look back and it kind of does bother me, don't know why but it does.

Good to hear that I'm not the only one who views the significant age difference as a problem.

Funny thing is, from what I've seen and heard, the guy is a lot like me (plus 20 years). He's been through a divorce, so has likely already learned the lessons that I'm learning now.

I'm just going to try to sit tight, and wait for reality to strike. Her family is on my side, which is good for my sanity; but it means that she's not really talking to anyone in her family, as they're not telling her what she wants to hear.

I think her fog is as think as pea soup.

Hi phantom,

Personally I cannot imagine being interested in someone 20 years older than me but BS's are rational thinking people,for the most part.WS's are deep in the "fog" and can only think through their infatuation saturated brains.My WH told me in the first few months of his adultery that he didn't care if he lived on the streets as long as he had his homewrecker. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

And now,I wonder if they have even talked about this,the homewrecker is a single 30 year old who until last December or early this year was living with her parents.Now tell me that she isn't going to want to be married and have children of her own some day.WH had a vasectomy years ago and is going to be poor after the impending Divorce.Emotions can only carry you so far and then REALITY starts creeping in and altering our perceptions of an amazing Fantasy Island type of life, as my WH thinks he can have.

Give it time,I don't think that your WW can realistically last in the relationship with this older and divorced man.Second marriages have an even higher rate of failure,if it's her intention to marry him someday.Unless she wants to add having a child out of wedlock to her "repertoire".Plus,it seems that more women see the error of their ways then men do.We have more WW's here who have ended their A then WH's.

O

Hi Phantom,

I'd say it's one or more of the following things causes her attraction to this guy:
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Status / Money</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Father Figure</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Security</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
And please do remember, it's not about what they look like, act like or how old they are. It's about how the OP makes the WS feel about themselves.

Most of what a WS does is illogical, they don't think ahead into the long-term future most times. It's all about the NOW.

My personal opinion is in agreement with most the others, it will NOT last.

Love,
Jo

<small>[ June 20, 2004, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Resilient --

I don't think it's status/money, as we're doing pretty well.

Can you explain more about the Father Figure and Security?

She's always been pretty close with her dad, so it's not like that's something that's been missing in her life.

And like I said, we're pretty well off, so by security, do you mean as far as her self-esteem is concerned? (I'm pretty sarcastic, which is one of things that I've changed over the past 2.5 months... I know that she reads into my smart comments a lot, especially where my tone of voice is concerned. I know she feels that I don't respect her because of this, which couldn't be further from the truth.)

Sorry to be a dumb male... I need things spelled out for me sometimes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ June 20, 2004, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: phantom8808 ]</small>

Hi again Phantom,

I am a former-BS and female. For me security is a major EN. It means I can feel safe with the someone I'm with. Safe to be myself, safe in knowing he accepts me as I am, safe knowing we are a team and are there for one another. Safe knowing he's on my side. Us against the world.

Now "feeling secure" can mean diff things to diff females. I'm financially self-sufficient, so for me that isn't an issue. And it sounds as tho it's not one for your wife.

Just a thought, but if you feel your sarcasm was a source of contention, perhaps she didn't feel safe because of it. Perhaps she felt you two weren't a Team and your sarcasm was a barrior in gaining that status.

Love,
Jo

She is financially self-sufficient, though she spends like she makes more than she does. This wasn't a problem when we were together, as I'm just the opposite, so it worked out well.

I didn't realize until recently how much my sarcsatic comments affected her; I though she knew that I was always just 'playing around' (friends have likened me to Chandler on Friends). Once I realized how it affected her, I have been able to eliminate it from our conversations. Like I said in an earlier post, I think she's noticed, but she's still infatuated with OM, so it's not making any impact.

Thanks for your insight.
-phantom

<small>[ June 20, 2004, 12:45 PM: Message edited by: phantom8808 ]</small>

when I was in uni after I broke up with my first serious boyfriend
who was about 3 years older, the next man was about 16 years older than me.
Funny thing was personality wise, he and bf was very alike but he was more mature and infinitely more patient. It was like looking into the future and seeing what bf would become.
The age gap was too wide in as became evident when his friends were around. They would talk about their "young days" and I still was in that part of my life...

Phantom,

I want you to rememeber that regardless of what your contribution was to the state of your marriage, you are in NO WAY responsible for your wife's choice to have an affair.

You owned 100% of the 50% of your marriage's health, with your wife owning the remainder.

It was her unilaterial decision to have an affair in response to her unhappiness with the state of the marriage. There were alternatives, but she chose that path, you do NOT own that.

Please take care of yourself.

Lv,
Jo

Hi phantom
sarcasm is no reason for adultry! but weak people don't need much of a reason.

My guess is that initially your W and OM were just friends. She began complaining about things that made her unhappy at home and he blew them out of proportion, giving her a little nudge to make her believe that she was being emotionally/verbally abused. After time she started looking at him as her protector, someone who made her feel safe "father figure". Don't misunderstand, I think she knew what she was doing the second she chose him to confide in. I doubt there is a physical attraction. sorry but yuck!

Yeah, I'm not saying that sarcasm is a good reason, but frankly, it's the best reason that she's given me, so far.

You're right on. She had been going to the bar after work with several of her friends. Most of them are married, so while I wan't crazy about it, I never really expected anything bad to happen. This guy was just a regular at the bar who she began confiding in, and here we are.

I think you're right... "yuck" says it best...

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 04:54 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>