BrokenVessel -- Was the age difference eventually a factor in bringing you out of the fog, or did it never enter into your mind?

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 04:55 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Phantom, first, I have a friend in need can you send me a loan??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Second, I love Chandler.

There now that I have the silly stuff out of the way, I will try to be serious, this is difficult for me, so bare with.

I think age will help you because an A has so many things going against it all ready, this just adds to it. The OM himself is probably going through middle age crisis and feeling quite cool to have a young one on his arm.

When you have an A, it is two people mutually using each other, she should sense this sooner than most because of the age I would think, because to you and I, it is quite obvious why he is using her.

You said,
I think her fog is as think as pea soup.
And your Plan A is the water- keeping adding healthy doses and you will see the soup thin!!!!

You have many factors in your favor, he isn't around much, she has very little friends. Be her lighthouse, does anybody have immediate access to that post, it is an awesome post.

Show her the way home, show her you are her security.

The best to you,
KY

Sure, you can have a loan at the special MB intro rate of 34% <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yeah, I have no doubt that the OM is quite pleased with himself to have a hot young thing on his arm. I sure hope that one of them wakes up soon and realizes that this relationship is destined to fail.

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A is what I'm doing. It's just so hard when I only see her a couple times a week, for a few minutes each time. Basically, I just need to let it self-destruct on its own, as we're just not together enough to make a huge difference.

Phantom,
My A lasted about 5 months. It will self distruct, something will give. Hang in there.

I find you BS incredible strong, you say I will Plan A the best you can, while you know she is with OM. That breaks my heart for you, and all the others.

Plan A sir, I'm sure it will work out for you.
KY-4

Incredibly strong, or incredibly stupid; I'm not sure which <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Just kidding.

I never thought I would be willing to forgive an affair, but I find myself ready to do just that. I gave this woman my heart when we were 17, and I'm not ready to take it back.

<small>[ June 20, 2004, 05:32 PM: Message edited by: phantom8808 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by phantom8808:
I gave this woman my heart when we were 17, and I'm not ready to take it back.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's because you still have love bank units stored for her.

Plan A is the right place for you, but do not enable her affair. Plan A is not being a doormat, it's being strong, and I see that in you. You have resolve. You ROCK!

Continue to respect yourself. Be honest that the affair hurts you, both to yourself and to her.

God's blessing and love to you.
Jo

Phantom,

Having gone thru what you're experiencing, I can say with complete honesty that it would have been easier to walk away.

It takes infinite strength to to fight for your marriage.

You're to be admired.

Jo

She's attracted to the "protection" type of security she feels w/ him. You mentioned she's close to her father....maybe she's looking to be w/ someone who's more like him.

Sounds like she's confused and maybe a bit immature. She may come out of it....and you may be able to re-build the relationship. You guys are still pretty young (i.e., maybe she just got married too young).

phantom, I know EXACTLY what you mean about being "incredibly strong or incredibly stupid." I've asked myself that question many times.

I wanted to add my input because my H just turned 53 yesterday. His OW was in her early 30s. I don't even know her exact age, but it was about a 20 yr. age difference. She was his office manager for 4 yrs. Last year we had many outside life crises occur in our lives. One of them was H's dad dying last March/03. Meanwhile she was having M problems. She and her H were bankrupt. She actively began pursuing H. Because my dad was in very bad health I wasn't there for H, but she was big time. In H's case I think the EA is very difficult for him to get over. So for an older man it isn't always about a young chic on his arm. It wasn't for H. I wish it had been just sex.

One thing that might make you feel better no matter what happens is this. Both our MC and H's IC told him that no matter how great the sex is in the A, if they were to get married the sex would suck because H represents a daddy figure, and if they married that would end up being a turn off.

In my H's case he recognized the age difference would be a problem. He doesn't want to have more kids. When he told OW that she probably would want children one day she of course blew it off. In our case I'm sure one of OW's top needs was financial security and being comforted by the wise daddy.

Until this my H was always a good guy. Hopefully if your W doesn't come out of the fog the OM will. Good luck! CV

The former OM was 15 years older than me. Initially, when I first became friends with him, I thought of him as a ‘father figure’. The age difference was the main reason I felt so safe with the friendship. I never though I would get physically attracted to someone that much older (normally I'm not attracted to much older men at all) and in the second place OM isn’t outwardly an attractive guy…but yet I eventually became infatuated with him... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> So, what have I learned from all of this? That ‘falling’ for someone else have nothing to do with age, looks, status, money, logical thinking or whatsoever, but rather with how someone makes us feel and to what extent they fulfill our ENs.

<small>[ June 21, 2004, 06:16 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

hey phantom, from reading this thread sounds like you and i have a lot of similarities.of course in the grand scheme of things there are a lot of differences as well.

as for the age thing...........? not sure how to answer. seems doubtful. but don't know. my FIL is 16 years older than my MIL, she was 21 when they got M and they've been M since 1969. i met my H the day after my 17th bday and he is 5 years older than me. we've been M 11 yrs as of last week. the OW in my case is a single 20 yr old who still lives at home. i've been told repeatedly by people here, steve harley, and a friend who went through a similar situation that it won't last. i'm still a little skeptical of that. i know it won't last in the long run but in the mean time what are we talking about? 1 year, 2 years? from what i could tell it became PA probably in dec 03. they had met in a college class last fall. he told me that she was just a pretty girl who was nice to him. this OW's mom told me that she was just an innocent girl who met a guy in a class and doesn't want her daughter to get hurt, whatever. my dad told my mom after she relayed what the OW's mom had told me, "what about my daughter?"

so you tell me what do you think my odds are? i am pretty stubborn and can outlast a lot of things. my H told me that this OW reminds him a lot of the way i used to be, so is she just as strong willed? i'm still confused about what i feel or what to think. my H is the only one that i have ever been with, can this OW say that? others have suggested to me that if my H really thought about me being w/someone else it would bother him? surely has got to have thought about this since DDay and where are we w/our M? well he's not even entertaining the idea of working on the M, he's still fixed on having to start over and that we both need to move on.

lots of emotions here and not sure i even answered your question. i guess age is just so relative that it's hard to say one way or another how much that would play apart in all of this. i couldn't honestly say that i wouldn't be attracted to a really older man given certain conditions. but you know that's just me. right now just the thought of being w/someone else (the thought does creep in occasionally) i just get sick to my stomach. so i don't know if i've said anything helpful or not but keep coming here and your bound to receive some answers. i would also ask steve harley and get his opinion given your situation. he's the expert in my opinion.

keep doing what you are doing for as long as you can and hopefully like me, time will be your friend. i'm still going to do what i can for as long as i can amidst all the choices that are being made for me by my H. God is also and always will be your friend. continued prayers to you, RR

What is the relationship with her father? Is he feeling a void left by the relationship with her father?

My 18 year old daughter has a friend who has dated this boy who is 23. They dated all throughout her senior year. I told my daughter that something is not right with a boy out of college and dates a high school girl. The giggling alone would drive him crazy if it weren't for the fact that something must be wrong with him. I asked my daughter if she would like to date a boy in middle school. She made a face and saw what I meant.

Their experiences and history are totally different. Unless these is psychological problems that this relationship is feeding, it won't be long until the differences divide them.

She made need a father figure and he may be so insecure that he's hidding behind her immaturity. He may fear that someone with life experiences that match his own would see his insecurities.

Wow, lots or replies this morning. Thanks to all for your input.

As far as the father figure, she's always been pretty close to both of her parents, and talked to them once or twice a week, prior to the A. That being said, we only visit them every other month or so, so I suppose she could be missing her father. Though she always said that I was a lot like him, so I'm not really sure if that's it.

I think it just comes down to the ENs that I wasn't meeting, Affection and Conversation. Now that I know what to do, she's blocking my efforts. I'm hoping that by giving it time, OM or WW will realize that this is not a long-term solution. I do believe that WW has noticed changes in me, so I'm hopeful that once the A ends, we'll have a chance to fix things.

i know you've read it on my sessions w/SH thread but something that he told me that has given me comfort is the fact that no matter what happens between me and my H, their R started as an A and that wil NEVER EVER change. No matter what happens between them either, their R started as an A and they can't go back to change that.

continue to follow your words w/actions. that is very very important. that's great that she has noticed some changes in the small times she's allowed herself to notice. keep it up, don't say that you have changed and then do something or say something that says the contrary. this is a major part in my progress, if not THE major part. i've owned 100% of my 50% of the envivornment of our M that led my H to an A. i do feel to a a great deal that it was pretty much all my fault. i hurt my H by just being me. but he still chose to have an A.

so again still work on the changes you've made because WHEN your W comes back you will have to have made those changes a part of you forever, life long changes. i do like the person i have become through all this and i praise God for the miracles he has worked in my heart to make me this way. because w/out the A i may never have woken up. my H has noticed my changes as well, kind of hard not to notice a 30lb weight loss (in 6 weeks) which is what i had lost the last time i saw him which was in march. i plan on seeing him again the end of next week and i hope to wow him even more w/a total of a 45lb weight loss.

hang in there and God bless, RR

Wow, 45 lbs! Good for you!! I've also started working out, and I've lost 30 lbs (though much of that was due to the initial shock)

As far as my changes, I really do believe that they're permanent. I've had a lot of time to look back on the person that I had become, and frankly, I didn't like him all that much. I'm much happier with myself now. Don't get me wrong, I realize that the A is not all my fault, but I was certainly a factor in our M problems. I just hope that WW gets to enjoy the person that I've become. If not, it's her loss.

thank you! keep up the good work yourself, you've come a long way in such a short time period, sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and a lot to offer. i pray daily to be allowed the opportunity to be the wife that i know i God wants me to be and the wife that my H needs me to be. but in the end that may not be in God's plan.

i wasn't a mean person or a bad wife but i don't think i was a great person and certainly not a a wife that others were envious of, far from it probably. but like you, the person i am now is much like the person i was when i first met and married my H but at the same time so much better. i also pray daily that these changes are permanent and you know what? it's really not that difficult, it really hasn't even been that hard to lose the weight but that's thanks to all the prayers.

you have a lot of people pulling for you and anytime you have a question just come here and ask. prayers and God bless, RR