I need to know if I should call my wife and ask her if she is 100% sure about filing or should I keep acting like it doesn't bother me. Read "WW filing for divorce on Monday" for reference. Lately I don't try to reconcile at all just act like I am moving on. I mean, her mind seems to be made up regardless. Almost all of her things are out of the house etc. The fricking FOG is still there in a big way. She said she is going to have her wedding ring melted down and turned into a cross. A CROSS! LOL. She is not kidding. She gets more ridiculous every time we talk.

Juke- Everyone here can see how ridiculous she is, but chances are she is so deep in the fog, that she thinks she is acting normal.

I would not contact her, just wait and see what she does.

I'm certainly no expert here, but I would say to just continue on like it doesn't bother you. She needs to see that you're strong enough to move on with your life, with or without her.

OK. I think she really will do it. Maybe the best chance of reconcile is after divorce for us? At least once this is done she has no excuse to call me for any reason. Should I tell her at some point that I am willing to be friends when her and OP break up some day or is that stupid?

This is so early to be filing for divorce. She must really be temporarily insane. Wait and see what she does.

How long has she known this OM?

Also many people do remarry after divorce.

I agree with the others. Just sit back and watch the show. That is the way I started thinking about it, back then. Just when I would think, "Well, at least it can't get any worse," my H would come up with a doozy! I was shocked and amazed by the things he said back then.

You were given a quote by someone on your last thread, and it comes from very wise vets who have been here a long time, and seen the patterns first hand - "Don't believe anything you hear, and only half of what you see."

It's a bunch of smoke and mirrors, inside the WS head. Don't try and understand it, apply logic to it, or make sense of anything. That is what they are doing! They are trying to make sense of what they have done, they are putting lots of energy into creating a reality that can accomodate themselves and their actions and feelings. And it cannot work.

Let her spin her wheels unhindered. I believe it just speeds up the process that all WS go through before they can let the fantasy go.

You are doing great. Do not doubt your plan, your thinking. You are doing well.

SS

Hi Juke,

I don't have any specific advice regarding your situation... as my W never tried to leave... but I can tell from your post that you are really hurting. I'm sorry that you're going through this...

Hey, one thing I DO know, is that WS's will say the most outragous things to try and get a response from you... they may even "act" on some of their threats, but eventually, the fog will clear. Hopefully, you will still be there for her when it does.

You said it yourself... your W is deep in the fog. She may have told you she was going to melt down her wedding ring, but I wouldn't believe it until she showed it to you. Same thing for the divorce... let her make the first move...

She's already proven that you can't trust what she says... why are you trusting her to melt down her ring and file for divorce? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Oh yeah. I have been hearing a lot of affair stories lately with 3 months as the time frame before reconcile. Like 3 months for WS to snap out of it. Anyone else heard that? Also, I LB'ed a few times when I was angry by rolling my eyes when WW said she would be in dental school in a year. Just because it is a fact that she won't because her grades aren't good enough to be excepted. She is in major fantasy denial about that, but it is her dream and she seems to put it high in her life. Me not believing in her for that is not going to make her want back. Should I apoligize and say that I do believe in her and just was trying to hurt her because I was angry? I could just send an email for that.

Believer- she has known OM for 4 months now and only became PA April 30th. Yes. She is jumping right into this. Seems crazy to me and destined to fail.

Juke, my advice for the LB, is not to contact her regardig it. Make a MAJOR mental note, however, if she brings it up again, to react in a supporting, optimistic way. It is her fantasy. Do not let her focus any of herself on YOU trying to destroy that.

When she has nobody to fight and justify her fantasy to, she has to deal with it inside herself. THAT is where the war will be fought. All you can do is stand on the sidelines and let her know you are there for her when she is done.

Don't apologize for what you have already done - but recognize it, own it, and CHANGE it next time.

SS

I won't mention it again. I will be supportive. I know that if we don't ever reconcile that she will think about it when she doesn't get in and realize, "Jason was right". She even said yesterday that she will call me when she graduates to celebrate. I just said why? We won't even know eachother then. It's like she doesn't realize the finality of it all. That she won't see me anymore.

Juke, Spider Slayer is right. To go back presents a needy insecure you to WW. Live and learn, detach from the alien's behavior. A passive role is best right now. Wish I would have figured that out in my situation.

It's hard to be a spectator to one's life going to pieces, but you can't control her. An active role can only occur in exposure right now. When she talks about the divorce give her a lot of, "I don't want a divorce, but I won't stop you" and a lot of "I see" and "I'm sorry you feel that way".

To get her to see her logic and fantasy is flawed would be like explaining color to a blind man. This part of the affair is very hard for the BS. Your emotions are raw and you are powerless to change her. Just don't give her a focal point for the guilt she feels because it will manifest itself as rage.

Be the soft target. If she can't unload it on you it will fester within her. Let her marinade in it.

Thanks Binder. Very good advice there. When she said she was filing Monday I think it was a spontaneous decision. When she first came over I asked her if she had filed yet. She said, no have you? Later on was when she said I am going to file on Monday. If she had that in her head she would have said it when I first asked right? I wonder if she wanted to get a reaction out of me like, NO! don't file we can work things out kind of thing? Like what I would have said weeks ago. I just was like, ok. Didn't react to it at all. Is that good?

Yes, be clear you are willing to address whatever she feels are the deficiencies in your marriage and do so. Try and figure out what her EN's are and contribute to them in a understated manner, no smothering. If you try to convince her not to go the direction she is going she will see you as controlling and judgmental.

Juke -

A couple things. First, this could be one of the reasons she DOESN'T want to come home:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will be supportive. I know that if we don't ever reconcile that she will think about it when she doesn't get in and realize, "Jason was right". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right and wrong. Good and bad. Win and lose. This is probably one of the reasons she is a WW. That is the type of thinking you need to work hard to change, not just hide from her while she is foggy. Do you understand?

And second, do not bring up the D word. Just ignore it. Only respond to her if SHE mentions it, and then respond as you have been lately, as Binder recommends. That is excellent. But do not open up that can of worms:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When she said she was filing Monday I think it was a spontaneous decision. When she first came over I asked her if she had filed yet. She said, no have you? Later on was when she said I am going to file on Monday. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She doesn't need any nudging in that direction right now. Just let the issue drop - if possible - and keep watching the show and working on YOU.

Do you take responsibility for the state the M was in prior to the A, that made it vulnerable to the A? This is one of the hardest parts about being a hurting BS - owning responsibility for the state of the M. Take a hard look at that, and what you can do to become a better H, a better Juke.

SS

<small>[ June 20, 2004, 11:37 AM: Message edited by: Spider Slayer ]</small>

Spider- I have addressed and accepted the fact that there were things that I did and didn't do to contribute to her un-happiness. I told her that in the beginning. I didn't say the thing abut her realizing I am right down the road to her, I just thought it in my head. This whole thing is so hard now. I feel like everything I do is the wrong thing. The reason I asked about D is because I was told to by parents and my paster to ask just to know what is going on. She doesn't give me a chance to change in front of her. It's not like we hang out together and do anything. She lives with him now. I stopped being there as a friend because she was totally cake eating it up. I wanted her to miss me. So how in the world can a even be the man she wants me to be if the only time we are together is in regards to the D? When she was over yesterday I cracked a few jokes, smiled at her, got her to smile, was friendly, and acted happy the best I could. Just wanted her to see me as strong and not as a pathetic, wimpering, crybaby. I feel like I am walking a tightrope made of dental floss.