This is kind of a repeat of a post I put in another topic, but deserves its own.

The situation with my wife just gets worse.

She has no greater fear than the fear of being "in trouble", of doing something wrong and suffering the disapproval of people she cares about.

I'm thinking of bringing this consequence to her by telling everybody in her extended family what she's doing. Possibly the people she works with as well, though OM no longer works at her place of business.

Her extended family is quite close, and they are very good people. They supported her family when her father was losing his fight against cancer many years ago. Her mother's sisters are best friends. One of them, her godmother, has stayed with her husband despite 30 years of infidelity and alcohol abuse.

Her grandmother on her father's side, about 82, was abandoned with her two sons when her husband left her for another woman. She raised the boys alone. She is a devout Catholic. She has outlived one of her sons and several siblings. This past March she lost her brother, an influential Catholic priest. If she knew about the sparrow's behavior she would be seriously disappointed and would make no secret of this.

So, I'm wondering if it would do any good to let this out. The sparrow will be furious, I don't know if her grandmother deserves to find out, and I will have to reveal my secret correspondence with OM's wife to share what I know. The sparrow thinks I believe she and OM are just good friends and are only thinking of casually dating after their divorces are final. She must think I'm really stupid.

This is a very tough call. They might just say, well, she's an adult and has to make her own decisions. They might think I'm crazy to tell everybody. But these people welcomed me into their family and I'm also rather close with them. Those few who know what's happening do not support her. They might sit the sparrow down and get her to think a little, especially her godmother and her grandmother, both of whom have been at the business end of behavior like hers.

GC

Graycloud, exposing the affair is an essential step in effectively hastening the end of the affair. The more exposed the affair, the faster it expires because the fantasy aspect is greatly diminished after it is exposed to the light of day. By not exposing it, you are essentially KEEPING HER SECRET for her and enabling the affair.

I am not sure that you should tell her workplace, but you should surely tell her family and any close friends right away. I would suggest making a list of all key people and calling them in one day. Better to get it over in one fell swoop and manage one lovebuster rather than several.

And yes, it will make her angry, but she will get over it. Whereas, you WON'T get over anything if this affair is not ended. You have nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain. She will get over being angry, your marriage WON'T get over an active affair. That is why Harley recommends you do EVERYTHING to hasten its end.

Yep, Melody is right. You need to tell everyone. Do it soon, and calmly. Tell them that your marriage is in trouble, your wife is having an A, and you want your marriage.

You can also add that you are communicating with the OM's wife, and she wants her marriage to work.

I will lose my ability to share information with OM's wife. We have connected the dots on a few things by combining incomplete stories, and he has admitted things to her he probably would not have if he knew we were talking. And we know the basic foundation of lies the two have both concocted about the previous state of their marriages: married to controlling psychos that made them unhappy and it just took them a long time to realize it. Pure horse$**t. We were best friends. Did we have problems that made us vulnerable? Yes. Were they horrible, must-end-marriage-to-save-self problems? No way.

The sparrow's best friend tells me I shouldn't do this, that it will all come out eventually. But I think eventually is too late.

GC

Go for it.

Got the OK from OM's wife. I'm going to start dropping shame bombs tonight. I'm hitting the Y first though, because I'm practically shaking right now. I think some of my buried anger is coming uncorked, and I need to be calm for this.

GC

Good luck Gray.

Gray:
You're the man. I know this is tough, but if what you said was true about your wife's avoidance and fear of "being in trouble," this could put a quick end to things for her. If her family is a good one as you say, then they will climb all over her for this. Especially if they see that you still love her and want the M to work. She may have some major issues with you for various reasons, but when she sees all of her family come after her on this, it's going to be harder for her to defend these indefenible positions. Hang tough, buddy. I know even you sharing this to others is a swipe at your own pride too and that 's difficult. I thought I was going to have to do this same thing with my situation, but FWW turned around before I had to. I remember feeling how, if it came down to it I would've done it, but it sure would have been rough.

Her family could be your greatest ally in this fight for your wife.

God Bless <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

"Shame bombs." I like that. Believe me, it comes as a relief. At first you're scared, then you feel much, much better.

Gray, good luck. Just know that we will all be thinking of you while you are making those calls. You sound like you are doing real well considering the circumstances. Take care.

I had this same problem this weekend.

My WS relatives (brother, sister-in-law, sister, mother) all came to town to visit. I thought about exposing everything to them. But I didn't. I kept my mouth shut, and acted normally. Everything went well. She even treated me nicely, a bit like the old days, got me coffee and cake. Relations around the house are OK, converstational, about 1 inch deep, and we sleep apart.

My family knows, and our children aged 19, 30, 32. The OM wife knows too. I called her the first night I found out.

I really don't know how much contact my wife still has with the OM, she seems to be spending a lot of time with her girl friends, many of which have marital problems of their own.

Anyways good luck, let me know how it turns out!

Just remember not to be judgemental or critical. Advise her relatives that you would appreciate any help or support because you want to save your marriage.

No, I vote wait.

If anyone asks, I would tell them she has moved out, and that you are concerned about her, and that she could do with someone to talk to right now, but I wouldn't mention Adultery. You might confide in one person who will not spread it around, but who will listen to her. Better yet, encourage your wife to talk to them herself.

It is early on, she may yet come to her senses, and exposing it at this point might cause irreversible harm.

Shul, I appreciate your opinion. My wife will be in town this week, out of town on business next week, and the following week she moves into her own place.

So far her aunts and at least one cousin know about pretty much everything. Her mother told everybody at a Father's Day BBQ yesterday.

I don't plan to tell the grandmother right away. She has been through lots of trouble, and she can be unpredictable in her reactions to bad news.

I may talk to some cousins and an uncle tonight. I'm starting to worry they might just think it's off the wall and a little weird for me to contact them.

GC

GC, the more exposed the affair, the faster the fantasy is broken. Most folks who go through this kick themselves for not doing it sooner because often the result is great. The more secretive the affair is, the longer it can go on, so expose, expose, expose!

P.S. I have to agree with your thinking about the grandmother. Leave that one up to what your MIL thinks best.

GC, I wish I would have exposed sooner. Make sure you tell those who you speak to that you want to heal your relationship and for them to help encourage your wife to return to her marriage. You don't want to come across as a vindictive malicious husband.

I spoke to one of WW's aunts for a long time, so it's a little too late to be making more calls. She knew basically what was going on, but she's bowled over to hear how cruel the sparrow has become towards me, and how brazenly she conducts this affair. She's very concerned. I did not come across as vindictive or angry in the least. The aunt plans to talk to the sparrow, but also repeated several times that my wife has made it very clear that she's DONE with me, and that she's just going to try to be there to lend an ear. She's very sorry, because in the last ten years I've become a real member of this family, but she reminded me what I already know - only my wife can decide what's going to happen, and it doesn't look good. This aunt has been through a similar situation, but said she never was anywhere near as far gone as this.

GC