I have not posted in a very very long time... but i have read and things have gone on in the real world.

Number One is that I told my H about the affair.. however, I didn't stop it. I thought I said goodbye to OM... but we continued to it on. Just in case you don't remember...

I had been involved in an on and off R with OM who had moved closer to where I lived. One of the reasons for moving to the East coast was to be closer to his child from his X-Fiance. Well, the move not only accomplished him being closer to me, but also closer to his Xfiance and now he has decided to re-establish his R with her. I have very very confused, sad and bitter feelings towards that. And I know this may sound hypocritical of me.. but I do feel hurt. Although, it was me that encouraged him to do that.

What has gone on in my M... basically, I told my H originally about the A (rather he found out and I half confessed).... leading him to believe that it was over, when it really wasn't. The latest revealing was him finding a goodbye "Dear John" letter that I was writing to the OM while I was gone and reading it. He was devasted because he had believed me before when I told him it was over.

Things have not progressed well for us. He has been unemployed for a year... he got a job a couple of months ago, only to get injured within the 2nd week of the job (on the job) and has been out on disability for the last 2 months.

We have been to MC which was a joke... because he left in the middle of the 3rd session and didn't want to discuss it. I have been to 1 IC, and am now seeing someone else. I have also been to the pastor of my church for guidance.

Right now, my H is feeling worthless and I understand. He is feeling like his manhood is under attack from all directions. My problem is that I have a real hard time trying to encourage and be supportive of him.. for the simply fact that I am not encouraged. I see no hope for the future at all. He complains that I do not say anything positive to encourage or lift up his spirits. I realize that... but i find it hard to be the supportive wife right now.

We have had such a rough last 6 years and I'm at a complete lost right now... Finacially we are in dire straights, emotionally, both of us are strapped, physically we are both challanged.

I know that I am being selfish for thinking of myself now, but I have always been the type of person to give give give and all that ever left me with was feeling empty...

Please help...

Whatever happens...just dont give up.

U did the right thing coming here. U will get a lot of help from other FWS...there is a lot of them here and they will support you.

I am a BS so i do not know how you feel but i do understand your husband's feelings.

Try and get your husband to come too. This site really helps. There is a lot of other betrayed husband around here. In fact i think lately there are a lot more than normal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, luckily you decided to post again. We have a whole crew of WW's going through the same thing right now. Check out runaway pot, crazed love, broken vessel, kiwi, and finally learning.

I think you both can get through this. Stick with us.

Thanks for responding... i could use some more input.. i am having such a horrible time... i feel like i seriously wanna die (i'm not suicidle).. I hate my life.. I hate going home... i hate looking at my H, for #1 knowing what I HAVE done and #2 feeling like I can't love him the way that he deserves to be loved.. #3 compromising my kids for the sake of my needs.. #4 having to look myself in the mirror and know that it was because of my actions that my life is in this state and #5 for still feeling depressed about ending it with OM...

I am seeing my IC this afternoon and I know that she doesn't have any answers to my problems.. but i just need to get it out!

And I'm feeling weak.. I know I won't (at least I hope I won't).. but i wanna talk to OM... With ever fiber that is in me... I will fight the urge to contact him... but i want to.

I know that right now that he is with his Fiance and their child... and I hate it that he's sooo happy. I know alot of WS say this... but it hurts!

Feelin,

I am glad you are back. You are in withdrawal and that is a problem right now. I won't even go into what you have done to your H, I am surprised HE is not suicidal. But you said one thing that I just have to get the old wet noodle out and give you a view lashes for. You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that I am being selfish for thinking of myself now, but I have always been the type of person to give give give and all that ever left me with was feeling empty...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You could not be more wrong. YOu have taken and taken, and not that OM is NOT giving any more and your H has been pretty much flattened you are feeling empty because there is no one left to give to you. You have this concept really really wrong Feelin, and this you need to address before you can progress.

You have been the taker for years (or at least as long as the OM has been in the picture), you have given little or nothing to your H and you know it, and I doubt your children got full time and attention either.

So please stop with this line of thinking. You are NOT the victim here, you are the victimizer. When you get through withdrawal you will begin to see this. But you need to talk with your IC about your perspective of things. That is if your IC is NOT a "feel good, do whatever makes YOU feel good" type of counselor. If he/she is of this type you will kindly stroked, told you are right to act on your feelings no matter who it hurts and the problem is NOT you. All of which is complete garbage.

Please remain here do the reading ask questions AND maintain no contact with the OM. You just might be able to save your marriage, and with that your self respect. There are many here who have been in your shoes, and there are many that have been in your H's shoes, all will offer help, if you are open to it.

That is step one, do you want help, do you want to save your marriage? I hope so.

Please think about what I have said.

God Bless,

JL

Guilty,

You said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What has gone on in my M... basically, I told my H originally about the A (rather he found out and I half confessed).... leading him to believe that it was over, when it really wasn't. The latest revealing was him finding a goodbye "Dear John" letter that I was writing to the OM while I was gone and reading it. He was devasted because he had believed me before when I told him it was over.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The first discovery was very difficult for your H. The fact that you continued to lie to him after he felt the relief of it "being over." Is twice as devastating.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Right now, my H is feeling worthless and I understand. He is feeling like his manhood is under attack from all directions..... He complains that I do not say anything positive to encourage or lift up his spirits. I realize that... but i find it hard to be the supportive wife right now.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's exactly how he feels worthless. He feels as though he's been psychologically castrated.

He had enough to worry about because of his work situation. Now everything that he's known in the recent past is called into question. What is the meaning of life? He may not be at mid-life chronologically but he'll go through this type of crises.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My problem is that I have a real hard time trying to encourage and be supportive of him.. for the simply fact that I am not encouraged. I see no hope for the future at all. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are going thru withdrawal from the OM so you aren't thinking straight at this point. Your OM has already told you how he values you. He's off with someone else.

IMHO, affairs and their aftermath do send families into downward spirals. The question is whether you have the the internal fortitude ie guts to help your H pull out of it.

I'd suggest you give it some time. Help your H even if it's as his best friend. Follow the Harley principles. Spend time with each other (min. 15 hours a week)

It'll be a rollercoaster especially for your H. There'll be days that he's his old self and you'll think he's "cured". Then there'll be days that he's angry or withdrawn. Don't hold this against him. Remember you are making forward progress even if it's three steps forward and two steps back.

cwmac

Guilty,
Have you sent OM a NC letter? It'll go along way to help your H start to trust you again and have a bit of faith in you.

Read about NC letters up on the main MB board. It should be short and not sweet. Should say that the affair was a huge mistake. You can't believe you hurt your H in that way. In your case you should reference your continued lie after the first DDay and say that contuing at that point was very selfish of you and OM.

There should be no la de dahs of "Have a wonderful life." I'll always remember this fabulous time" or "You are truely my soulmate"

Your H should read, approve it and mail it for you so there can be no PSs of "just kidding call me tonight."

cwmac

THANK YOU guys so much for your replies... I sincerely appreciate it... I realize that the lives of 3 other people are at stake.. and I need the courage to do whats right.

The reason why I said that I have always been the giver and always making sacrafices (and one of the reasons as to what I believe led me to have the A) is my R with my H pre-Affair.

We got married really really young, right out of high school practically. By the time we were 22, we were married, had our first child and just signed the mortgage for our home.

I had always wanted to go back to school, and my H thought I didn't need to because I already had a "good" job.. (I was a secretary) and he thought that I was being greedy, so I put it off. I always wanted to do things to make things better... He also didn't like the fact that I earned more than him... So anytime I would approach him with the idea of going back to school, or going for a better job.. he would shot me down. (this is only one area that this happened in, there are many others) It got to the point that I simply stopped sharing with him, because of fear of rejection or discouragement. 10 years go by and I'm feeling lifeless... In walks OM, with whom I share some of the exact same dreams and he completely understood and encouraged me.

Hindsight, I realize he was a predator and knew exactly what to say to me.. but at the time.. it was all i needed to hear.. It came a time, when I stopped sharing things like that altogether with my H, which closed off another avenue of communcation for us. I HONESTLY didn't calculate the damage that was to be done by that breach of communication.

There are also other things that I felt no longer safe to share with my H.. Important things to me, but he often ridiculed me so I stopped sharing.

Please understand that I am NOT justifying having an affair... I know that there is no excuse... but I truly believe that those things coupled with the fact that we were both so young, uneducated and broke from day one... makes for a difficult relationship.

Also.. shortly after giving birth to my second child, my weight sky rocketted to the moon. Reaching it's peak @ 230lbs... at that time i felt like and looked like sh*t. He made sure he reminded me, by calling me names like fat B*tch when he got mad at me or telling me I need to loose weight. Well, I lost weight (95lbs to be exact) and I have never forgotten the pain i felt when he called me names.... it still hurts, although I have lost and kept the weight off for 7 yrs now.

Feelin,

But, the fact of the matter was that when he found out about your A, he stayed with you and tried. You continued the A. From the dates listed it seems you have been in the A since 1998, which is 6 years.

You are very right you were too young in many ways. It is probably also true that he did NOT value education as you did, or he would NOT have married you but continued on with his education.

Further, it seems clear he always had a bit of a jealousy issue. Now he has a BIG jealousy issue and with good reason.

Feelin, the OM was not the answer. You nailed it when you said better communication was the answer, but you decided to curtail that, which isolated you even further.

I know you are going to say "yeah but..." There really are NOT "buts" available. You made choices, your H made choices and neither of you tried to save the marriage until your A.

I would strongly encourage you to begin to communicate with your H. Don't go around blaming him for your decisions and continual lying, the reality is he hasn't had a W in 6 years. But, you can express how his current form of communicating affects you if he is still this way.

As for the past name calling, let me ask you something. Do you want to be forgiven for what you have done? If so, why haven't you ever forgiven your H? Your anger and hurt will start to subside IF you can learn to be as generous with your forgiveness as you would like him to be with you.

Please, do some reading here, and acquaint yourself with the concepts. It will help you.

God Bless,

JL

Feelin,

Listen to Just Learning, he is VERY wise.

Regarding your difficulty communicating with your H, and his ability to "shut you down" - have you guys read about Love Busters together? This would REALLY help open up the communication and as you know, once you can communicate safely everything else is so much easier.

I know what you mean about wanting to call OM so badly. Have you sent a NC letter to OM? If not, sit down with your H and draft one to him *and to his fiance*.

I was going to suggest that in addition to the regular NC stuff, you ask that OM put in email filters to filter out anything from you and that they use call blocking to block your home, work, and cell numbers (if call blocking is available in your area). However, I think this gives OM too much power and importance in you life. It leaves you in a position of weakness and leaves you dependent on OM for something.

Instead, I think you should put rules on your own email account(s) so that any email to OM would have a copy sent to your H. Also any email *from* OM would go to your H. I would also put a recorder on the work and home phones and show H where they are and let him know he's free to access them at any time. Make them a gift from you to him. And if you carry a cellphone ensure your H has full access to all records (including calls placed and received). This way you have some insurance against contacting OM *plus* you are doing something to help earn your H's trust back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
[Q] Feelin,

But, the fact of the matter was that when he found out about your A, he stayed with you and tried. You continued the A. From the dates listed it seems you have been in the A since 1998, which is 6 years.

Yes the A has been on and off again for the pass 6 years, it ended last month and I realize that I am still going through withdrawal...

You are very right you were too young in many ways. It is probably also true that he did NOT value education as you did, or he would NOT have married you but continued on with his education.

Further, it seems clear he always had a bit of a jealousy issue. Now he has a BIG jealousy issue and with good reason.

Feelin, the OM was not the answer. You nailed it when you said better communication was the answer, but you decided to curtail that, which isolated you even further.

Please do not read this wrong, i am not making excuses.. I did not decide to have an affair. I did decide to not THINK about it. I didn't introduce myself to this man and say, hey do you wanna have an affair with me? I am just like any other WS in that if you would have asked me before the A I never in a million years would have thought I would have done it.


I know you are going to say "yeah but..." There really are NOT "buts" available. You made choices, your H made choices and neither of you tried to save the marriage until your A.

I would strongly encourage you to begin to communicate with your H. Don't go around blaming him for your decisions and continual lying, the reality is he hasn't had a W in 6 years. But, you can express how his current form of communicating affects you if he is still this way.

As for the past name calling, let me ask you something. Do you want to be forgiven for what you have done? If so, why haven't you ever forgiven your H? Your anger and hurt will start to subside IF you can learn to be as generous with your forgiveness as you would like him to be with you.

Yes I must certainly desire to be forgiven, however, if the circumstances are no different now from Pre-A.. then y bother? Why haven't I forgiven him? because he is basically the same. He thinks that I'm greedy, that I want and ask for too much.. that I work too hard and that i will never be satisfied. and I keep telling him I won't be satisfied, because I think hard work is the only way to achieve your dreams. He is satisfied and content with a "job" and I want to eventually own my own business. I need to finish my degree and he thinks i'm being unreasonable..
Please, do some reading here, and acquaint yourself with the concepts. It will help you.

God Bless,

JL [/Q]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">