I still feel anger, jealousy, and sadness. Discover day was New Years Eve. My OW is not due till Sept 15th. Sept. 15th seems like forever. WH finally told me the due date. But he slipped and said she got pregnant in January. He meant December. Affair supposedly ended in December? I asked how could he slip and say January when it was suppose to be over in December. I said if it continued in January and February at least it would explain his behavior towards me during that time. He then said OK I did it in January if that will make you happy. I then replied I do not want you to confess to something that is not true just to shut me up. The way you are saying it, I cannot tell if it happened or didn't. He said I was just makeing a big deal over the past. However, I would like to know the truth. I probably lovebusted but he is the one who slipped and said January. How could he make that kind of mistake unless he was still in the affair in January? Why can't he understand I just want the truth no matter what it is. An explaination as to the strange withdrawal from me in January and February. He says I need to stop dwelling on the past.

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 04:52 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Hi Genia,
Your intuition is probably right, and I think your H behavior when confronted confirms what you have been thinking, the A cont. through FEB. Sorry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Put on your happy face and be the best you can. I didn't realize OW was pg, sorry to hear that. More complications to the mess your H brought you both into.

Did you LB that is so comical, the BS is to walk on eggshells, don't anger the WS because they will use it against them to justify their A.

To think I was apart of that logic, shames me all over again.

MB Love,
KY

Why can't he understand I just want the truth no matter what it is.

1. He might not even be clear what the truth is himself. They get so bloody confused!!!

2. He might be trying to "protect" you. They do this in the mistaken belief that you would be more hurt by the truth than by their lies.

3. He might be so ashamed of the truth that he can't tell you.

4. He's probably been lying so long, he wouldn't know the truth it if smacked him in the head.

He says I need to stop dwelling on the past.
WS speak for "This is so uncomfortable for me, let's not talk about it"

You DESERVE the truth, just choose your moments carefully.

You will find out the truth one way of another. Much of it you won't like.

Don't contradict or argue, just listen very, very carefully and watch the body language and make sense of it for yourself.

the affair will come back...and it might show up even 2 years from now because there is PROOF of it. It's quite natural that it does come back, but when it does.. approach the discussion with care. Are and your husband getting help for all this? This a heavy baggage Affair.. all of them are, but when kids are involved its more complicated.

Keep your head up, becareful with the LB's and you'll do fine.. my H's affairs come back quite often and he told me about 1 day after he slept with her. We go back to that night quiet often....
Now I have somewhat different husband. He pays more attention to me lately..more attentive, more willing to tell me things... let his cellphone unlocked.. only thing I can't get through is the computer, but I'm smart enought to break into it.. (nothing offensive) yet.. I am on my guards though.. ALWAYS.. One thing I learn from MB is that you should never "COMPLETELY TRUST" your spouse.. and I'm learning..

Hi you all,

You all have been very helpful to me. I am beginning to understand him but I wish he could understand me. I tried to be open to the truth. I even told him I would feel better if the affair lasted through February since it would explain his strange behavior. Maybe he thought if he confessed honestly instead of making the sarcastic remark, that I would jump down his throat which I did after confronting OW and finding out that he had unprotected sex together. By the way WH did not confess anything. I had to be a detective and he would only confess after being caught.
Broken Vessel it is hard. I have only stayed this long because I love him. I will not stay unless we get the baby. I cannot tolerate contact. This OW has her fangs deep in my husbands skin.
Kyellow I know the signs but because of my love for him I was choosing to beleive a lie.
Enigma you put it so plain. Thank you.
Harudah, I hope to be where you are one day. He has agreed to one counseling session. I told him it is harder for me to get over because of the baby. He said cheating is cheating and the baby should not make it harder. He does not understand contact issues and thinks I should just trust him because he says it is over. The problem is that he has not proven his trust to me. He has agreed to one counseling session to prove me wrong concerning cheating is cheating. I hope the counselor is good. Thank you all.

I am a FWW-so maybe I
should not be in this
thread, but it is not
within my understanding
to know that MB teaches
a BS to never "completely
trust" a WS again-is this
a truth? Can we ever hope
to recover from an A? we
have to put our own well
being aside to focus on S
after D Day. I feel I am
trying, but I wonder if
it will ever be the same-
and comments like this-I
guess its true-no hope
for complete trust.
Do we get second-guessed
the rest of marriage?
It seems this is what
is deserved? please set
me straight...pal

Hi Peace and Love,

I too am a FWS. I betrayed my husband. He did me the honors of getting me back by getting a woman pregnant. That is why I am so angry. I used protection and he did not. I slipped up in a moment of loneliness while he was in prison for six months. So I understand the punishment. I have been punished severely. And even though I only did the act twice, cut off all contact with other man and confessed to my husband what I did. I also pointed other man out to him as well as where OM worked. He got me back and still he says he cannot trust me. If he would only be open with me and quit lying about stuff, I would give him my trust. I think it is an individual thing. You can trust a person again I beleive after a certain period of proveing yourself. The problem is my husband will not provide me with this. He wants me to trust him while he continues to spill his lies. I just pray for him that God will get a hold of his heart because I love him and I am sorry I ever hurt him so bad that he had to hurt me back so much.

genia-
your pain is so
evident-I can tell.
I am so confused
at times about my A.
I can see how that revenge
thing for a BS can happen-
I dont think my H
could ever do that.
It takes so long to
move past the past.
good days & not so
good days-stay on MB-
it has helped me-and
my H (renewingdeeplove)
pal

Hi Peace and Love,

For you it will get better. For me the OC keeps the wound open because Husband insists on contact because he is a recovered addict and OW is a addict hurting her unborn baby. She is the damsel in distress and he is her savior. I hope we get the baby so he will stop contact. If she keeps the baby and husband insists on contact I will not be able to stay with him because my love for him is so strong and it will make me feel insecure for him to have contact with OW.

what possibility is there
for you & H to raise the
child? has she offered this
option? they will always
be connected now-always.
they share a child together.
I wish for you that you
could give yourself some
time away from all of this
mess. Let H know that you
are taking care of you. He
can deal with the mess HE has
made-take a weekend & get away.
think about it-pal

Hi Peace and Love,

He said she said something about giving him the child. That is what I am waiting for. He said he told her from the beginning that he loved me and for her not to expect anything that he just wanted sex. She fell in love with him. He told me he is not in love with her, but he loves her as a fellow addict. Her child is biracial. She is white. Her family has rejected her child. I am willing to raise her child. But if she keeps the child I will not be able to handle the pickup/dropoff over 18 years of the childs life. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my husband. I am angry with my husband for putting me through this. I am more angry with OW because there is so much birth control out there that I must conclude that she got pregnant on purpose to snag up my husband.

PAL (and Genia),

Don't want to threadjack so if this spurs a conversation we can start another thread.

PAL said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> it is not
within my understanding
to know that MB teaches
a BS to never "completely
trust" a WS again-is this
a truth? Can we ever hope
to recover from an A?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SH doesn't say that you can never completely trust your S *after an A*, he says that NO ONE should ever completely trust their S, even if no A ever occurred, even if the M is strong.

This is from Coping with Infidelity: Part 4 - Overcoming Resentment in the Q & A Columns.

One topic is loss of trust. How can a spouse ever trust an unfaithful partner again? My answer is that the spouse should never have been trusted in the first place. I shouldn't be trusted by my wife, and I shouldn't trust her. The fact is that we are all wired for infidelity, and under certain conditions, we'll all do it. The way to protect your marriage from something that has been common to man (and women) for thousands of years is to recognize the threat, and do something to prevent it from happening. Basing a marriage on the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward preventing an affair. Being each other's favorite leisure-time companions, and not being away from each other overnight are also important safety measures. Meeting each other's most important emotional needs, avoiding Love Busters and building an integrated lifestyle, free of secret second lives, are all ways to affair-proof your marriage. With these measures in place, we end up trusting our spouses because an affair becomes almost impossible to achieve.

Hi turtlehead,

Thank you for the insight. I bought the book His Needs, Her Needs. I could not get my husband to read it. He says he does not have time. I printed Lovebusters off this website. He has yet to read that. I left it on the coffee table and it still lays there. I just cannot get him to take me seriously. It is like he sees everything as a big joke. But you did make the trust issue clear. So I guess it is sort of like you trust them about 99%. Then when the trust drops to 0%, it is up to the WS to build that trust back up.