Hello everyone. I've been a lurker here for a long time. Been reading everything I could on the site and message boards. I think it's time to post my story and hopefully get some feedback and support, as I really, really need it.
This story starts in November so it's going to be a long post. I"m sorry about that.

Let me preface by telling you all that I love my wife with all my heart. I still do even after everything that has happened. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I am 29 years old, she is 28.
We have been married a little over 10 years.
No children (yet. I'll get to that part...)

At the beginning of November, my wife and I had a fight over the phone, she had left on a Saturday evening to go off to work to finish up some stuff that she hadn't finished the prior week. She just ended up leaving without saying anything. I thought she was just going over to the neighbors to talk with her friend, so I got a little angry over the phone with her and she ended up not coming back at all that night.

The next day, she comes home and wants to separate. "Just for a few days to clear my head."
she told me. I figured I knew better than this, as we had separated once about 4 years into our marriage, when she has her first affair.

So we are separated and still talking. She says she doesn't know if she's coming home, etc.
Fast forward to January, when I confirm she's having an affair with a male co-worker. I suspected this when they both quit their job at the same time. (I figure work found out, and that's a no-no where she was.)
But confirmed it by checking her email.

I had not found this site at that time, so I was
a little hesitant to tell anyone, but I ended up
doing it on my own. I also used to post on divorcebusters, but I wanted to get some feedback here as I believe the advice and plans available here are the most mature ways of handling it. I told my family and her family. I guess I should have known already, but I was surprised when her parents supported me. They basically let her know that the guy she was with would never be welcome in their family, and that she would not be as well as long as she was with him. (Her family is very important to her.)

Ok, so at this time, although we are separate, I believe I acted in very much the ways of the Plan 'A'. I told her that I forgave her, and still wanted her to come home. She pushed and pushed for a divorce. Wanting me to sign the paperwork. I avoided talking to her for awhile.
It was just too hard on me to deal with and my love for her was being hurt. In early March, I find out throught the grapevine that she's pregnant, with this guys kid. Moreso, she says it was not an accident and they wanted it. I don't know what kind of guy wants to get a girl that he's been seeing for a couple months pregnant, but he himself is still married, and he's working on his divorce (was at the time they started their relationship) and has 3 kids from that marriage that he can't afford to pay child support on. So my wife is basically paying all the bills. (they live together now) Near the end of March, I asked to meet with her. She agreed and we met, I poured my heart and guts out to her. I told her I still wanted her to come home and that I would raise this child as my own. I meant it and I still do. She wasn't very receptive to my gut spilling.

The next day she asks to meet me for lunch. I agree and we talked and she wanted to come home.
She has the divorce papers in her trunk, and we tear them up together. She was crying quite a bit but said she wanted to work on our marriage. During all of this, since late November I had been seeing a counselor about my own issues with saying things in anger and being emotionally unavailable.
She said she knew I had changed and wanted to try again. So we both started seeing the counselor together. We both know him very well and is a friend to her family. She trusts him and so do I. During our counseling she is still living with the other guy. We do get together on one Sunday and make love. We plan to move away to the state her parents are in, and after talking about things we set a date for June 3rd.
Everything is going ok, and I gave notice at my work etc. The next day she decides she not going to go and wants to stay with him. He's her soulmate etc. Now, this had been painful going through all this, but when she told me that, my heart was smashed. I was a complete mess that weekend and even the Anti-Depressant I was put on couldn't help me.

So after a few days I'm doing better, and she starts to email me again, I didn't want to deal with it at the time so I didn't respond. The emails became more desperate, she started telling me she was still trying to figure out when she could leave etc.. I didn't respond.
After 2 weeks, she emails me asking me if I still want her to come home. and that if not, she "would stop banging her head against the wall." She asked me to stop ignoring her and please respond. I did reply and told her that yes, I still wanted her to come home, but that she needed to show me some action.

We start talking again, and she asks if I was still leaving work. I was and told her so and she asked me where I was going to go, I told her I was going to go home to my parents. She starts inquiring about going with me, and that she just needed to find out when she could go. She does truely love it there, and my parents were ok with her. (Well, as long as she was breaking it off with the OM anyway.)

So we are still talking about this, and fast forward to this last weekend. I was planning on leaving this week, (still am) and she wants to come over and see me on Saturday. Ok, I'm fine with that. She does and I think just wanted to confirm that I was really moving. The empty apartment and boxes everything told that story.
So we go to lunch, and she wants to come move with me. We talk awhile and she agrees to go home and tell the OM she's leaving. What we were going to do was get a Uhaul on sunday and move all her stuff over to my place and have the movers take it all from here. So I'm a little skeptical that she will go through with it, but ok. She does end up telling him she's leaving and I guess was really upset, and she called her parents. She talked to her mom and told her she had made her decision to leave OM and wanted her help and strength. Her mom offers to fly her out to their place, and W agrees but doesn't want to come alone. So I flew out with her on Sunday morning.

So we are at her parents, (it's only a 1 1/2 hr flight there) and are talking and stuff, and she starts to change, she's back to not knowing what she wants. I express in every way possible how much I love her and care about her. Telling her that we would make it. She planned to stay at her parents for a few days at least and maybe even a couple weeks. I flew back to my place this morning. So her mom is trying to talk to her, and she ends up telling her mom she wants to be with OM. Her mom made it plain as day that she would lose her family if that was her choice.
W said basically "Oh well." and is currently flying back here as I type this to be with OM again.

In going through all this, it's obvious she can't make a decision. I don't know why and I guess I probably never will. It's like she has to pursue me, but then when she catches up to me, she starts to waffle.

At this point, I don't know what I should do. I am lost and in tears. My mistake is loving her so much that I have wrapped my entire life up in her and (unfortunately) am greatly affected by this. I still want her to come to her senses and come home. She does have BPD (Borderline personality disorder) which I am sure is greatly affecting this whole situation.

I am afraid of plan "B" I ajm afraid she's see it as a personal attack and turn it around into me abandoning her. I have already writtent the letter, with help from others I have seen posted, but I just don't know if I should go ahead and send it or wait a bit or what. I am moving tommorow 2000 miles away to be with my family. I can't keep going on this rollercoaster much longer, but I still want her.

There's a lot here, and if any of you need clarification on anything, please ask. I will be here.

TTSi,

Well, the good news is that you're story isn't unique. In fact, I lived through something very similar several years ago, and we are successfully reconciled and the child in question is bopping around downstairs (at 5+ yo---my youngest of three).

I highly recommend a professional counselor or coach to help you out right now. If your current IC is familiar with MB methodology and has a good track record of dealing with infidelity---then stick with them. If not, phone counseling through MarriageBuilders is excellent (888-639-1639 for appointments)---Steve Harley saved my sanity and marriage through my wife's affair. Steve and his sister Jenn do the counseling. Another MB trained person, Penny Tupy, is a marriage coach specializing in infidelity, and you can reach her at Saveyourmarriagecentral. For someone in your situation, having a professional on your side to offer guidance as you formulate a plan is a good thing.

Your wife is showing classic signs of waffling, fence sitting, and demonstrating the clearly addictive nature of the affair. This isn't about you anymore---it's about her and her poor choices. Plan B can be an effective technique, in that it removes you from the daily pain of the affair. But you're not living together right now, and you're getting ready to move 2000 miles away. I'm not sure that a formal Plan B letter buys you much. Your wife is on a ticking clock here---if she has the child and is raising it with the OM, I think it would be wise for you to say "good luck" to her and get a divorce. If she can get her act together and leave the OM before the child is born---AND if you are willing to raise this child as your own (a huge financial risk on your part, should your marriage fail), there's the possibility that you could save your marriage.

As far as Plan A or B---if you move 2000 miles away, I would recommend that you send A letter stating your willingness to work on the marriage, and everything else you've mentioned, including the need for her to end the affair and move away from the OM. I wouldn't "cut off contact"---because you're doing that already, and I do think she'll view it as punishment. If she can come back to you---that's terrific. If not, I would suggest that you send a Plan B letter after the child is born AND be clear on how the affair must end and she must leave the OM before you will have ANY (I mean ANY) contact with her. Having an infant around may end the fantasy life that they've been leading, and it may be a wake-up call. You also need to isolate yourself from her during this period so that you are emotionally ready to "move on" from this marriage, should she decide to stay with the OM.

Harley has some Q&A's on this subject. I'd suggest that you read them if you haven't already. Those columns are here.

I wish you well. You're in a very difficult situation, and you're behaving in a very admirable way.

TTSi,

I am a lot older than you and probably older than your parents. I have seen a fair amount in my life. One thing that i have seen is that no matter how much you love her, you cannot make her love you. You need to accept that. You need to make your own decisions about YOUR life and move with them. If she decides to join you in your life, THEN you have some decisions to make.

She has made it clear she is in love with OM. She is a fool but she is also pregnant with his child. That creates a bond that us guys just don't understand. In this situation even Dr. Harley recommends that you divorce and move on. You can find this advice in his advice column under pregnacy or something like that.

My advice is don't bother with the Plan B letter, you are going to be 2000 miles away. Just do as you planned. You need NOT worry about seeming to give up on her. She KNOWS what you have done and what you have said. At this point she has no clue as to what you have endured.

My advice is move and don't send the letter. She knows where you are. If something changes, she can contact you. Frankly I don't think anything will happen until after the baby is born, then you must deny paternity or you will be held financially responsible for this child. Frankly, I think a divorce is really appropriate. But, even if you don't do that, make sure that you deny paternaty for this child.

Why? because you will be robbing your future children of resources that they will need from you. You are a very young man although you probably feel about 80 right now. Plan for YOUR future, and if your W or even exW decides to join you in your life, you will then decide on your level of love.

Please move home, and please protect yourself. I am sure OM will show his true colors once the child is born. I feel very sorry for your W, she has no idea what she has gotten herself into, but she did it, she wants to continue it, she feels she loves him.

Go HOME, and remove yourself from this situation. Trust me, it is the best thing to do for the both of you. You cannot help her now.

God Bless,

JL

TTSi,

JL and I collaborate a lot here, and his advice is very sound (and very similar). The bottom line is that your wife has decisions that she must make---and like an addict, she will probably need to hit a very low spot before she's capable of making those decisions (if ever). It was horrifying for me to watch my wife hit that level, and even six years after the fact, she still suffers today with those decisions she made.

Removing yourself from this situation is probably the best thing you can do for yourself, as well as her.

And there's no doubt that JL is older than you, your parents, and me... combined!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I would move and deny paternity. Then let her stay with OM until she's had enough. That way you will not be stuck with child support for another man's child.

My WH is just like your wife. He has come back and forth, wanting to reconcile, then going back to OW. I got tired of it after about the 9th time. He is still with OW.

TTsi,

Welcome.

I think this is called the 'Fog'.

It seems she is struggling. This is a good thing.
My advice is to pray for her, that she will be convicted of the harm to herself, to you, and to the mans wife and children.

That she will realise that this course of action will not bring her happiness, and that she will have a vision of a peaceful future with you.

That she will continue to have no peace of mind until she ends it.

He is probably using the baby to put pressure on her , but pray she will see him as the cheater and liar he is, and how shameful a life it would be given his existing wife and children.

I would say, don't press her, but let her know your door is still open.

I think you have responded very lovingly so far, and she will be drawn to you.

Thank you all for your quick replies. I wasn't really expecting so much so soon.
I am moving. Tommorow in fact. I will not change it or my mind.
What gets to me, is she says over and over again how much she loves me. and How much she knows this is hurting me. She's not currently "acting out" like a typical WW who will usually say they "don't care" about the BS.
Heck, when she called me on Saturday evening when she told OM she was leaving, she even said to me "I hope you really understand now how much I love you, that I'm doing this."
When we were talking a bunch on Sunday at her parents, (just her and me.) She would say how much she loved him, and also how much she loves me. It is like she steps out of the fog for a little while, comes back to be the woman I fell in love with, then reverts back into fog.

I still have thoughts about the Plan B letter. I'm not going to make any rash decisions about it though. What I get from her when I stop speaking with her is a bunch of "Are you ignoring me." or "stop ignoring me" emails. SO I thought the letter would at least explain to her why. I don't know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know divorce is usually recommended for situations like this. I have thought and thought about it, and I have chosen not to. It's not what I really want. But I will be sure to protect my rights no matter what. I have already consulted with a lawyer when I found out about the pregnancy just to be sure to cover my bases.

I have a feeling she'll start to panic once I'm gone. A good friend of mine, a lady I work with who I turned on to this site (she's familiar with the MB philosophies) has been such a great help thoughout all of this. She has been in my W's position (although not pregnant) and in my position. She has helped me with trying to save my marriage with such helpful advice. and because of her past experiences, she has predicted with pretty much 100% accuracy each of W's moves. She suggested after I move, to send a card to W each week. Something hand made. One, to help keep me in her mind, two, and as a side benefit OM will most likely get a glimpse at them, putting some pressure on his own personal security.

Oh and to confirm, yes he is putting pressure on her, for example on Sunday when she was a bit out of the fog, she was telling me how he threw a fit. (crying/manipulation ploy) when she told him she was leaving. He partially responded with
"You told me you'd never leave, blah blah blah, now I don't get to see my baby born or be in his life blah blah blah." .... you get the picture.

TTsi-

I think you’ve gotten some really good advice so far and there’s not much I can add.

I feel for you and wish you the best with whatever happens. I think you’ll know sooner than later.

When you are making decisions based on your W’s current behavior just be sure you’re not trying to squeeze orange juice out of an apple tree.

Best of luck!

TTSi,

One thing you will come to realize is that until her actions match her words, you can believe nothing she says. I know you want to believe her, but the actions must match the words and so far they don't.

She wanted to have a baby with this man apparently, and he is still married. This is very very foolish decision making. You don't have to do anything right now but move, and get on with your life. I don't think Plan B is for you at that point but if you find it too hard to communicate with her, perhaps that would be best until the A is over.

Please listen to what K has to say to you. He has been where you are, but the major difference is that he already had a family with his W, you do not. That is a huge difference.

Meanwhile, I would strongly recommend that you give this plenty of time and have some patience. You surely have shown an amazing amount of patience so far.

Have a safe trip home, enjoy your life while your W figures out what it is she wants to do.

God Bless,

JL

PS: There is something I forgot to address and that is the matter that this is her SECOND affair in the marriage. Also that she only wants you when she feels you are leaving. She wants a safety blanket, NOT an H. You are the blanket in case you have not realized this. Frankly, SSTi, you need to sit down and take a deep look inside. You cannot build a marriage on the "rescue response" which is what you seem to be doing. I really think you need to evaluate why you are willing to endure two affairs and a PLANNED pregnancy by her.

Please consider this very carefully

<small>[ June 22, 2004, 12:55 AM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong>
PS: There is something I forgot to address and that is the matter that this is her SECOND affair in the marriage. Also that she only wants you when she feels you are leaving. She wants a safety blanket, NOT an H. You are the blanket in case you have not realized this. Frankly, SSTi, you need to sit down and take a deep look inside. You cannot build a marriage on the "rescue response" which is what you seem to be doing. I really think you need to evaluate why you are willing to endure two affairs and a PLANNED pregnancy by her.

Please consider this very carefully </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am definitely taking your words to heart. I know I do have a problem with wanting to "rescue" her, and it's something I'm dealing with. She unfortunately was abused greatly as a child before being adopted. That's what has lead to her BPD. The times she does come out of the fog, she does talk about going to a physciatrist.
As she knows what is wrong with her. I guess I am just hoping that she'll get the help she needs. I know none of this excuses her actions at all. But I'm not ready to walk away just yet.

HI! I am truly sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to give my thoughts. It seems you are definitely not ready to give up and if you are not then don't. I think you should write her a letter to let her know you are still open to your marriage and explain to her what she has to do-stop the A. I don't think it should be a plan B letter ending all contact though. With you moving 2000 miles away that is already limiting contact enough. However, I wouldn't get too mushy in the letter try to be more friendly and upbeat as if you feel she will end the A and come back to you. You need to be strong even though it is very hard. Also, I have a question. Are you 100% positive the baby is not yours. I don't know the timing of everything but you do state that you and W made love during A at least once. Well, good luck to you!

<small>[ June 22, 2004, 01:52 AM: Message edited by: staggered ]</small>

Yes, I'm absolutely positive it's not mine.
We made love after I knew she was pregnant.
She conceived sometime in February. At that time
we were not even speaking.

Okay! I just thought I would ask because I wasn't sure. Well, it is good to know that you are positive because you definitely don't need any more complications in your situation. Anyway, I wish you the best in your move and your situation!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by staggered:
<strong> Okay! I just thought I would ask because I wasn't sure. Well, it is good to know that you are positive because you definitely don't need any more complications in your situation. Anyway, I wish you the best in your move and your situation!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Heh, that's true. I definitely don't need any more complications. Sorry if I came across as hostile with my reply. All I meant to say was that I was sure it wasn't.

<small>[ June 22, 2004, 02:33 AM: Message edited by: TTSi ]</small>

Don't worry. I didn't take your reply as hostile. In the situations we are all in the world may seem hostile. But I didn't take it that way. By the way shouldn't you be in bed getting sleep for your move. It is 9:35 in the morning where I am but I know in the States is is about 2 in the morning.

TTSi,

I would say that your wayward wife is acting EXACTLY as a large percentage of people in an affair act. Incapable of making decisions. Swinging from emotion to emotion. Inconsistent in behaviors. Incomprehensible from your point of view. If you substitute "OM" for cocaine or heroin---your wife is acting like an addict. When Harley likens an affair to a chemical addiction, he's not kidding---they share many of the same aspects.

And like addicts, you've done your best to establish a safe place for recovery to happen. But only she can decide to quit. And she hasn't gotten there---she will need to hit bottom.

As JL indicated, I went through this with my wife, but we had two children together. You have none. As a plan towards the future, should you have the opportunity to reconcile, I would strongly suggest that you would do so AFTER you and your wife POJA a divorce that will leave you financially unencumbered with regards to child support. Given your wife's history and track record, I think it would be best for you to go into a reconcilliation knowing that you will not be on the hook for child support should the marriage fail. Whether or not the OM should be pursued for CS would be another decision that you and your wife should enthusiastically agree on.

You're a long way from that, however. Take good care of yourself now, and have a safe trip.

TTSi,

Read K's post to you very carefully, especially the part about divorce and the financial ramifications of not addressing this.

Given what you have said about her childhood, I would also like to suggest that as part of any reconcilliation that your W needs counseling. She must address her demons or you will find yourself once again in this situation if you take her back.

Once is an accident, twice is a pattern, she is showing a pattern of for lack of a better word "acting out".

Finally, I am only older than you and your W combined. K is dottering along and gaining on me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

K is right though you have a long way to go, so do your best to keep yourself on an even keel.

God Bless,

JL

Speaking in the "what if..." vernacular...

What if...she asks to move there again?

Do not invite her home right away...she needs to separate from the OM, which means get her own place, kick him out, move away, make a giant leap forward. Wait a month, begin recovery from afar. In your Plan B letter you have probably asked for some major changes to happen. If she comes back begging to move there, I would give her the letter then..."This is what it will take to come back..."

Some suggestions...

Move out on her own for at least a month.
Proof that there has been NC within that month with OM.
A plan for visitation or legal guidelines that she will stick to.
Begin IC and medication?

Well, I got just about everything out of the apartment. Just taking care of all the loose ends that come with moving. Thought I'd take a break and update..

As I figured, W called this morning crying. Wants to talk about going with me... So we talked awhile and she asked for me to wait to leave for today. (Told her I would, but I'm not really waiting for her, got too much stuff to finish before I can head out) and then starts talking about how she wants to think about it.
Nothing really unexpected, as you've read, I have gone through this with her over and over again. OM continues with the manipulation ploys and she buys into it because of her emotions.
I'm starting to think, I'm going to have to let her go in order for anything real to happen.