A very condensed version of my story... My FWH has had past long distance affairs. The last inappropriate relationship ( phone calling and e-mailing to an old high school friend ) was a year ago.

He has always said that I need only to ask to see the phone bills and he would show them to me. I haven't asked to see them in a couple of years. I was feeling a bit uneasy about things a couple of weeks ago and asked to see the phone bills.

Oh, I should explain something else. He has his own business so everything is under lock and key there. ( Financial stuff, visa bills, bank records, phone bills, etc.)

Anyhow, after some days of thought, he told me NO. He said that I needed to trust him and that he had his limits too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

We have three girls who have been my motivating factor in trying to recover this marriage. But at this point, I'm not feeling too hopeful. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Is there anything short of pursuing a divorce that I can do that might help us out here???

Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Well now, you just need to tell him that you are not a child and would appreciate seeing the phone bills. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. Given his past, you would be crazy to blindly trust him so its not unreasonable to make such a request.

I would suggest doing some sluething to find out what is really going on. Don't make any accusations, just quietly sleuth and then you can decide if you need to take any action.

I would try and get his phone records from the phone company and see what is going on. Do you have access to his computer?

And lastly, if he has done this several times, wouldn't that suggest that this is simply a way of life for him? Is this more a matter of accepting him how he is?

Believer,

I expressed to him my deep disappointment at his refusal to show the phone bills to me. I also said that it was a great opportunity to build trust if everything is on the up and up. He still insists that everything is but that I need to come to a point of trusting him with this.

Are you a believer as in a Christian? Because if so, I'd like to ask... Where do you draw the line between commiting a situation to God and trusting Him to reveal truth verses having boundaries and enabling another person? I guess that's a pretty loaded question. Thanks for responding.

Melody Lane,

Thanks for the suggestions. Its very hard to sleuth with my husband. He has control of everything and I'm not given easy access to anything. So... I might be able to find things by looking but because of his incredible random lifestyle its very difficult.

When I have tried to contact phone companies in the past, the information could not be released without his consent.

You are probably right about just having to accept that is who he is. He could be innocent of an affair but then he's guilty of inconsideration and controlling. I guess I just need to decide if I can continue to live like this and accept him as is. Thanks for writing.

Leah, I'm the FWW and I find what your H is doing insenstive at best and suspicious at worst.

It never ceases to amaze me that people who have seriously breached trust (and I include myself in that category) would even consider not having absolutely everything out in the open if they wish to be trusted and believed again.

Not very helpful I know, but he lost the right to hide things when he breached your trust.

BTW, an aside to Mel. I refuse to go near that other post but I am edjimicated and I know what an analogy is.

Jenny

I discovered the on-going A through nextel's online e-bills otherwise he'd still be talking to the OW.

Hi Leah - what are the chances of getting a key to those locked files? Making a copy of the key? Is the office at home or away from your home? Don't give up and trust your instincts,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KiwiJ:
<strong>

BTW, an aside to Mel. I refuse to go near that other post but I am edjimicated and I know what an analogy is.

Jenny </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Kiwi,
Thanks for your response. It was helpful in that it is affirming to realize that what I'm asking for is a reasonable request. I appreciate that confirmation as my husband is very good at spinning everything around and making me question my own judgement.

To 1000,

His business is away from home. He carries the keys in his pocket, so it would be hard to get them from him. But thanks for the suggestion.

Glad I helped. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It was so important to our recovery that I did everything I could to make my H feel secure and feel better about himself and us. I wanted to make him feel that way, I didn't feel pressured to do it.

Jenny

Hi leah,

Well right off the bat I am thinking somethings up.He is hiding things from you and what better way to prevent you checking than to play the "Your paranoid" trick.My dear WH used to do that to me and boy did I get mad.He insults my intelligence with that BS.

Like believer said,if he has nothing to hide,cares about your feelings,wants to maintain an open and honest relationship and secure the marriage,his answer should be "YES,You can see whatever you want honey!"

I'm sorry though because this may mean you are back in trouble again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I hope it's not the case but just based on what you mentioned,that's what I would surmise.

O

Go to google or ask.com and look up phone records. You can review them as needed.

What do you plan to do with the info you find? Can you use a PI service?

Hi All

Thanks for your responses and suggestions. I did try looking stuff up on the computer but they don't post cell phone info. on the internet. Or at least I wasn't able to find it.

BUT, the good news is, after some intense conversations, my husband called this morning to say he has decided to give me the phone bills. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I guess it was a power play rather than hiding something.

I'm afraid I'll never really understand him. He knew I was very upset about this to the point of not sleeping and all. But my pain does not touch him unless he is personally hurt on some level. It seems to be all about power, control and freedom. He operates in a different world than me, so I have a tough time understanding. I want a mutual, loving, open, honest relationship. I'm not so sure I'll ever have that with him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But anyhow, thank you all for helping me through this latest little "drama". God bless you all.