Well it has happen. ws told the kids last night and left this morning . I left pbl on bathroom vanity and he read it b4 shower. well he broke down. it is the the first time I saw him show some true emotions since d day 10 months ago. I was very strong as much as i wanted to beg him not to go, i didn't. Kids are doing ok and so am I. I have so many people around me for support, I had company all day. His sister, my god friend even drove two hours to be with me. This is the first free moment I have had all day. Ws called to say good night to kids we missed the call, he left a message. I am feeling positive about the outcome. I just hope I am right. Please pray for us. Thanks for the support and strentgh to get to this point so far.

I'm glad you have friends and support. We are here if you need us.

I think you are doing the right thing. You sound good. Be strong.

Sending up prayers for you. Take care!

Susan

Good, now let your children be part of your support group also. Let them know they can help you and like a mom reassure them of your love and let them know you will now leave them. This is one thing children wonder about and are often afraid to ask. When you reassure them, it helps and in turn, they will give you the love and support to cope.

Some down time is ahead but it will get easier.

My 6 year old son said that he would not be able to go do school after his father left. He told his dad the day his father told us he had to move. Son thought that if he didn't have a dad, other kids would laugh at him and they wouldn't let him in school.

The WS left anyway. Go figure. I was sooo angry at him for doing that to our son. I kept the lines of communication open with my son and when he was ready he would talk. That eventually led him to write his father a 4 sentence letter in which he asked why did he want to divorce mommy? He also let him know he missed and loved him. From a 6 year old. That letter touched the WS heart but the OW and the A hardened it again and the WS lived out of the house for 4 more months.

When the WS came home, he brought that letter with him. Seems it had a lasting impact.

My son had said he needed to write to his father because his father was tooo confused to understand any talking so it made it too hard for our son to speak with his dad. Out of the mouth of babes. Even they can see the fog babble. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

take care,
L.

<small>[ June 21, 2004, 11:00 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Well it is day 3 and we all still seem to be doing ok. of course it does just seem like he is away for work. he has called the kids several times to say he loves and misses them. our youngest asked if ws wanted to speak with me and he said yes but bs(I) doen't want to talk to me. dd asked me and i pretended i didn't hear her.
I do miss talking to him. It helps to hear his voice when he speaks with the kids. I hope he comes back soon for all of us but mainly the children.

I saw my ws at a dinner on friday night. We had casual conversation, He did tell me how much he missed me. ! week of plan B and very dark. He said it was the worst week of his life. He hated NC. He did see OW and felt nothing. we both attended the wedding on sat. He was nothing but positive and loving. I was in the wedding, and he and the chldren attended. He spent the night with us at my DD request. I must admitt it was wonderful. He seems to be seeing things clearer or so he says. Again many positive things said. THe problem is how can this be after just one week? Do I saty dark? DO I believe him? I am so confused. People say let him suffer. This is not a game to me it is my life. My children miss him so much and so do I.
How will I be sure he has ended things for real this time. DOes he call does he send NC letter what should be done? DOes he just walk away and nver contact ow again? HELP>>>>

Hrt, why have you broken Plan B?

I guess it is just an excuse but I broke it for the kids and because of the wedding. So do I go dark again and until when. When he is ready to send a nc letter? How long can plan be last and how short can it be. Can the ws really see the light in a weeks time? I need advice. Please help. I was so strong last week.

Plan B is working my dear, so stay in it. Do not let him come back until he agrees to send NC letter to OW, and agrees on a plan to rebuild your marriage.

Remember this .... when you break your Plan B and allow comfortable loving contact between you and your WS ...

The ~lovely warm feelings~ he gets from that contact PERMITS him to continue his affair.

Why?

Because he temporariily feels a relief from his consequences.

Plan B is a wake up call to the WS .... allowing the WS to realize what he is going to be missing in his life... and it doesn't help if he is NOT missing you!!!


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Be tough.

I am currently doing something similar with one of my adult kids who is an addict. The more I help him not suffer, the longer he remains out of treatment.

Be strong.

Pep

<small>[ July 01, 2004, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hrt,

Not only does breaking Plan B give your WH a "fix", it teaches him that you don't mean what you said in the letter. You have lost integrity by breaking Plan B. Don't do it again.

A few days ago you said something that bothered me, and I didn't address it but I think I will.

our youngest asked if ws wanted to speak with me and he said yes but bs(I) doen't want to talk to me. dd asked me and i pretended i didn't hear her.

Please don't do this. Your children are hearing from your WH that you don't want to talk to their Dad. This probably confuses and frightens them. Don't ignore your children's questions about this. Explain to them in age appropriate terms that Daddy is part right and part wrong. Of course you want to talk to their Daddy, as soon as he quits hurting your feelings. Right now, he is hurting your feelings very badly but you are waiting on him to change.

Your children need to know they can turn to you and you'll be straight-up with them. They need an anchor in this chaos that has invaded their lives.

WS has ended the a once again but not by ncl with a phone call. He says it is over a done and ow knows where he stands and understands to go on with her life. He doesn't see the point in a letter. He says he did what I asked to come back 100% committed and he wants to work on making me forget it ever happen and says he will spend the rest of his life doing so. He says all the right things. I know for a fact he saw he once while he was away for the 2 weeks and spoke to her 2, 3 including the time he ended things. I know we have alot of work to do but could this be the start to recovery or does he haave to write the letter. Also I feel like I want to contact her, should I. When I asked what she says about it all, she tells him he is making a big mistake, No one loves him more than she does and that he belongs with her. He said he is sure he will never speak or see her again. He is finnaly at peace with himself and everything he wants. Opinions and advice please! Should he write the ncl? Should I let him stay home with us? Could he have seen the light in such a short time? Is this real?

He needs to write the NC letter. Mine said the same thing - that it was "pointless", and he was right, it was pointless because he continued to have contact with OW.

Before he moves back in, he needs to write the letter, and you mail it. If he refuses, then you see that he is not serious about working on marriage.

He should also have a plan on how to avoid her if she contacts him.

And you both need a plan on how to go about restoring your marriage.

HRTBRKN, if he is truly 100% committed, then he should have no problem drafting a letter to the OW that expresses feelings to which you can be a witness. You weren't there when he made that phone call so you have no way of knowing if he expressed his committment to his marriage in that call. [often they say just the opposite] The purpose of the ncl is more than ending contact, it is to REASSURE the BS of his committment.

If he can't do this for you, HB, then I would seriously question his committment to you. If he REALLY means he is done and is now committed to his marriage, this letter shouldn't be a big deal to express in writing if it will make you feel better.

Here are some samples: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918

I would also ask him what his plan is for repairing the damage and breech of trust that he has caused. What will he do to repair the marriage?

Here is a really good post from MB coach, Penny Tupy, about setting conditions for the return of the WS:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=024255#000006

If I understand Plan B correctly, he should have been provided with some criteria that have to be in place before he is allowed to return home. Amongst those items would of course be, No Contact.

I would think the NC letter would be a part of those criteria, as well. Did you mention that professional counseling would be a part of the deal, too?

If, indeed, you have set the criteria, and believe that he has and will agree to ALL of the items, then maybe he should be allowed to come home. But you need to make sure all of the criteria are known and understood by WH.

The next thing you should do it jointly write the NC letter (which you will mail), and begin changing phone numbers, cell phone numbers, e-mail addresses, and have you H do away with any chat services he may have used.

Regarding YOUR having conversation with the OW, I will let someone more qualified respond to that. It is a controversial topic, and I don't know enough about your sitch to have an opinion.

Best wishes

SD

Listen to melody - she saved me from letting WH move home with no conditions. Whew! That was a close one, he was actually starting to move things into the house, and everyone here said "Noooooooooo!"

I would have had him back with me and STILL seeing OW, and unwilling to work on marriage.