Although my issue seems to pale in comparison to many I have read on these boards, I could use some supportive commentary just the same.

I am a 34 year old male who has been in love for 10 years with my engaged fiancee. We have shared many incredible experiences together and we're happy for many years. At times, we were both verbally abusive (me moreso than her), and fought in the past few years. More than not though, we had just got caught up in the children, jobs, bills and most of all, video games. We lost all the little things we used to do for each other.

The video games I speak of is a genre of growing games called MMORPGs. Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Games. We started playing it 3 years ago and both enjoyed it together. About 6 months ago, our 'guild' that we were involved in (which included real life friends) dissipated. Many of the members moved to another guild including my fiancee, after I had decided I was done with the game. One of the main reasons I had decided to leave the game, was the 'guild leader' from this other guild, was a 26 swinging male who made me angry and I disliked him. It didn't come apparent until later, but I feel I resented him for his incredible chat-up capabilities with everyone, and his charm that I knew I lacked.

I told my fiancee I was tired of the game, and with her just starting third shift and I on first, she said that she didn't really care she wouldn't have the time anyway. So I cancelled both accounts.

Then, I made a big mistake. I started another MMORPG. I felt guilty that I was playing and had something to do in the evening after the kids went to bed, and she did not have the opportunity herself. So I reactivated her account in the original game we had tried together.

We have 2 children together and were/are planning a wedding in August. She had came up with the idea for a themed wedding, celtic medeival, which we both were extatic about. The invitations were made, and plans were rolling. Who would think that anything could be going on?

It was the weekend, and we both were playing our seperate games (instead of spending quality time with each other), and I happened to look over at her screen. She had typed, 'Your going to get a spanking!!!'. I thought this a bit odd no doubt, but she can be flirty, which is a quality I do like about her, just not in extremes like that. I asked her what was the deal with that?? She just brushed it off as flirting, BUT didn't show too much offense. She logged off and went to bed.

I 'smelled a rat' so to speak and the game has a file that holds the chat buffers. So I perused them and noticed that the statement was unprovoked which arose more suspicion.

A few weeks went by and wedding plans seemed to slack which was odd. I was slipping off to sleep without her again and I decided to check the logs again. I'm glad I did. I got extremely luck also because the logs roll when they get a certain amount full. I caught the last bit of her cybersex where he asked her for her number and you can imagine my shock when I saw MY PHONE NUMBER GIVEN TO THE GUILD LEADER I SO DESPISED!

I sat up all night in anxienty. I was angry, hurt, and disgusted. It was dated May 25th, a day after our 10 year first date anniversary and also the day I went to another state to try on my wedding armor. How could she do this WHILE planning to wed me? I confronted her that morning, I could not sleep. At first she attempted to deny it, then she admitted it. I asked her how many times he called and she said just that once.

What bothered me the most is that it seems, even now, that she has no remorse for it. That it was just 'fantasy' and she was 'expirimenting'. She does feel guilty for hurting me, but not for the act. Which leads me to believe she would do it again.

I promptly deleted the account, asked her to never speak to him again, even if he was 1000 miles away. She insists that it only happened to fill an emotional need which I beleive, but I just wish she had told me that I was not meeting her emotional needs. I was under the impression everything was 'ok' even if we were a bit distant.

To finish up this long rant, I really want it to work. I beleive it can work. We have already sat and talked for hours, but it seems like she will not give back to the conversation as much as I'd like. She claims she does not know what to say because she feels so bad for hurting me. I need more though, it seems like I am doing all the work at times, talking to her, taking walks, giving her hugs and kisses before work, etc. Although she says she doesn't, could it be withdrawals from the emotional contact she had with this other man that is holding her back from me? She says she would do ANYTHING to make it work.

I feel I could marry her, if only she would show me a sign it wouldn't happen again and we could give back to each other the emotional needs we both need. The wedding is in a month and a half, and I really love her. And I know she loves me. Married couples work through these problems all the time, right? Only problem is, can I say my vows ...

Sorry for such a long rant, but I needed to get it out.

Are we talking about Everquest, Heorn? My wife and I played for over three years, and Meridian 59 for a couple of years before that. Any MMORPG can be highly addictive and dangerous. And it is not uncommon for the game to be used as an on-line dating/swinging service. As a couple, we have endured a similer experience to yours, but came out of it ok once we managed to detatch ourselves from the game. I would love to talk to you more about it, but I need to get to work right now. If you want, e-mail me at kinther@wi.rr.com. We can share those experiences with you and maybe help you know what you can expect. I will say this tho; YOu made the right first move by canx'ing the accounts. However, if your finace wasn't ready to pycologically detatch herself from this very dangerous alternate reality, then you will have a few more bumps in the road to get over.

Kinther,

It is a game very similiar, with in-game personal chat systems and public chats. I know it was just starting to become an addictive problem when I also saw in her chat log her acting like a 14 year-old teasing a guy by leading him on and slamming the door. She was experimenting alright. I'm just glad I didn't see the explicit verbiage, I can imagine it well enough.

We do both want to work it out, but I think we're both confused the steps to take. I am very glad I happened upon this site. I have written her a letter to explore it tomorrow. She is in denial about it being an addiction, but she was trolling forums of the guild websites today, and she never took interest in that. We also played for 3 years.

I would be happy to hear from someone with a similiar experience.

Oh the game was Dark Age of Camelot.

Hi heorn,

Welcome to MB.I am glad you have a chance to address this problem before you get married,it's a red flag for sure.

I used to play America's Army with my WH,he would be on our downstairs computer and I would be on the upstairs one.But,the fact was,even though we were playing "together",we weren't really together.As fun as I find the game,we had such precious little time to spend with each other so we shouldn't have been wasting it on something like an internet game.

Nowadays,with internet access being so prevelant,it is causing all kinds of issues for people.I got hit on so many times playing that game and these guys didn't even know me.I think some people feel that they can really cross some boundaries because it's cyberspace and they wouldn't act or say the things they say if they were sitting in front of you.

You wouldn't be the first person here,either,that has issues with a spouse that is involved with someone from the internet.It can be just as damaging to let these on-line meetings fester and come between spouses.

I hate to suggest this but I think it might be wise to hold off on the wedding until this matter is cleared up for good.If your fiance is really hooked on this man from the game,it's only going to follow you into the marriage and then you will have an even bigger hurdle to get over.You have a lot of valid concerns that need to be dealt with so maybe some counseling beforehand can help.Your fiance has to know that this is serious and that your feelings are warning you about her actions toward you.

And as for married couples working through their problems,well,that doesn't always happen like it should,I am living proof.My WH doesn't WANT to work on our problems and we are headed toward a divorce.So,save yourself from more agony and get things straight with your F before you walk down that aisle.

O

<small>[ June 22, 2004, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>