Well I did it. I finally had enough of my H continuing on with his life attending bands with OW (even though he SAYS they only talk while in large groups) and told him I want a separation if he doesn't quit the bands that OW is in with him. I told him that each time he goes to be where she is, it erodes some of my love for him and I am running dangerously low of love for him and self-esteem/respect for myself. I told him that I can't take another minute of it.
I also told him that I wasn't fooling around and that I was prepared in every way to act immediately.
He caved. MIRACULOUSLY (sarcasm here) it was as easy as that (snapping finger here) to end his involvement in those bands where for 9 months he wouldn't--in fact telling me that I was trying to chain him/control him, that I might as well cut off his arm rather than have him quit music blah blah blah...
I was calm--I told him that if he would rather have a cheating, lying woman instead of my who was loyal to him etc. then he could go to it because I am SO done with everything--I love him but I need a clean break from anything to do with HER. After we talked, I cried for a bit, we sat quietly together and then I went to bed. I think that he knows that I mean it because I was so quiet about it all-calm, confident, focussed instead of emotional etc.
He said he doesn't want to separate, the bands are not worth sacrificing our marriage, he loves me etc.
I am hopeful but realistically, I think that this is round one and will be surprised if this is the end of it. (I think i had better be ready for some backlash yet don't you think?)

I am proud that I finally took this step. My self-respect is coming back as I did all of the background preparation for plan B. It is still in place and depending on what happens as he absorbs all of this, is ready to be clicked into place.

What opposition can I expect from him? I'm afraid that he will weasel/negotiate/fight about it over the next few days. The difference this time though is that I know what I want and I won't get sidetracked from it. It feels good--thanks believer, Melody and everyone else who "coached" me a few weeks ago into considering Plan B. I think my H plays a high stakes gambling type of game here and I have got to risk everything (just like he is) to have a marriage on my terms.

Any thoughts or recommendations on the days ahead (what to expect/tension levels in the house/how to act towards each other etc.) would be appreciated.

Thanks,
SAndy

Well, that almost seems too easy. But maybe he now realizes that you mean business. Now you must have Plan B letter ready to deliver in case he backslides.

I am glad that you remained calm. I think that is much more effective than going ballistic.

<small>[ June 22, 2004, 07:02 AM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

couple of things...

you need to change your language to be clear...

each and every time he accuses you of controling him over his continued contact with OW...
you need to stake you claim with themes like..

no dear I am not telling you to have not to talk to OP...I am only telling you what I am choosing to do about this situation....

You are not controlling you are choosing out of the triangle...he can and will do what he chooses as well...


etc....

ALSO

you need to prepare a couple of things...

you threw down the gauntlet..so you better be ready to follow through...or it will undermine your word...

so I suggest you write a plan B letter...and have it ready..
I also suggest you make a plan to seperate if he continues contact....

but if you say it you better mean it...

those are the negative things...side of it..

the positive side are these things...

if one of your husbands "complaints" was that you rarely planned the fun outings..perhaps you could do this..surprize him with some interesting activities...

also you two are way ripe of counseling...and if he's agreed to no contact you may want to see if he will agree to counseling...

if you can spin this positively....
like a new rebirth of a better stronger true partnership marriage....

also does this leave him in any type of music bands...

one thing is that you have three kids and he appeared to have committed a huge amount of time for practice and shows...so this will free up time...

but does he get any music time....
any other bands ...

ARK

Thanks Ark and believer! It does seem almost too easy and as the morning goes on, the more I feel that something is brewing at home as he mulls it all over. I anticipate "the tortured and misunderstood artist" line of thinking will be the first argument. However, I have my bull**** detector set on "high" power and will respond as you have suggested ark. I will be calm...I will be rock solid.

I have no problem with him being in any band where she is NOT--I do not have a problem with him being in bands--I appreciate the sacrifices that he made as we raised the children but I will not sacrifice my peace of mind about what happens at (or in the parking lot after band) any more.
I have helped purchase new instruments for him and have encouraged him to join the symphony and have accompanied him to rehearsals, parties etc. that have to do with that symphony.

As for the other 2 bands he plays in that include OW, I haven't been "allowed" to go to any concerts, practices, parties etc. because he says that it feels too uncomfortable having her and myself in the same room. I have waited for 9 months for him to get over that and I am done waiting. Those are the bands that I want him out of.

I will encourage him to get involved with other bands but bottom line is, at this point in time and until I feel secure in our relationship, he cannot be in those groups. Take it or leave it, that's it.

I will try to make more fun activities esp. now that I am on holidays. I will try very hard to show him that his "sacrifice" is worth it.

I feel better already. Just saying what I want has helped me to feel like I don't have the heavy weight sitting on my stomache.

I am completely ready to go to Plan B. I don't realy want to because I love him, still am attracted to him and his good qualities, but I cannot face more time stuck in this same place, worrying about the same things, feeling the same feelings of despair.

I realize that I have a lot of self-esteem building to do. I am not normally this insecure but this year has done a major job on my self-respect. The kicker is--I have allowed it to happen by not acting sooner. Too much Plan A.

thanks to everyone. Any advice about possible problems in the days ahead would be most appreciated. You are great supporters--

Regards,
Sandy

bump